berlin tours from cruise ship

Berlin from a Cruise Ship: Best Shore Excursions from Warnemunde Cruise Port

Are you exploring berlin from a cruise ship here is my list of 35 top things to do in berlin..

If you’re arriving in Berlin from a cruise ship at the Warnemunde Cruise Port, you’ll want to make the most of your time there! Whether you’re an experienced traveler or a first-time visitor, this vibrant city offers something for everyone — and with limited time available in port, it can be overwhelming to decide which activities you should prioritize.

Fortunately, there are many fantastic shore excursions available from the Warnemunde Cruise Port that will allow you to immerse yourself in Berlin’s culture and history fully. From visiting iconic landmarks like the Brandenburg Gate to exploring rustic villages outside the city, these tours offer a comprehensive overview of all that Berlin has to offer.

My personal favorite shore excursion is a full-day tour of the city’s must-see sights. Not only will you get to view stunning monuments and learn about Germany’s history, but you’ll also be able to soak up the lively atmosphere of this unique city.

Another great option is an afternoon bike tour through various neighborhoods, which is a great way to get a feel for the city’s diverse culture and visit spots that you may not have seen otherwise. If you’re looking for something outside of the city, there are also several tours that include visits to quaint villages in the surrounding areas.

Here, you can take some time away from the hustle and bustle of the city to explore traditional German culture in a more relaxed setting.

Planning Your Trip? Use Our Favorite Resources

Tour Company – we recommend Viator and GetYourGuide Cruise Company – we recommend Expedia Accommodation s – we recommend Booking.com Rental Car – we recommend Discover Cars Travel Insurance – we recommend Insubuy Flights – we recommend WayAway and Kiwi

TIP: You need Euro coins to use the bathrooms (toilets). The usual cost is 0.50-1.00 euros.

What to do when visiting Berlin from a Cruise Ship?

When visiting Berlin from a cruise ship, there are plenty of ways to explore and experience the Warnemunde Port and surrounding areas. There are several ways to explore.

You can leisurely stroll through the pedestrian-friendly streets, hop on a train or metro to visit different towns, join a guided tour group, or rent a car and embark on a scenic drive to your desired destination.

📍 Book Your Berlin Tours

Walkable – What to do in Warnemunde for a Day?

Both Warnemunde Town and the train station are walkable from this cruise port.

Warnemunde Town Center

Follow the signs to Stadzentrum, which means city center in German. Proceed towards the train station, and you’ll come across a tunnel underneath the railway tracks. While visiting Warnemunde take in the following sights and activities:

• Ferris Wheel
• Mini Train – 30 minutes 6 euros
• Boat Tour – 1 hour 15 euros

The train station is conveniently located within a short walking distance from the cruise port, merely 5 minutes away on foot. It is worth noting that the trains while lacking air conditioning, provide a reliable mode of transportation.

Board the train to Rostock Hauptbahnhof (main train station) for a quick 20-minute ride at a cost of around 2.8 euros. In Rostock, you can

• Rostock Zoo
• St Mary’s Church – astronomical clock built in 1472, predicting days, dates, etc.

You can take the train from Warnemunde Cruise Port to Berlin for a 2-2.5 hour journey which costs around 21 euros. It is important to note that there is no air conditioning on this train.

Once in Berlin, you can visit some of the famous landmarks such as Brandenburg Gate or Checkpoint Charlie, shop in upscale boutiques, or explore the historical sites. You can also take advantage of the free walking tours offered by many companies for a more personalized experience of Berlin.

You can also rent a car if you want to explore out of Berlin in order to make your own itinerary and stop along the way at whatever places capture your interest. Consider driving to nearby cities such as Potsdam, Leipzig, or Hanover.

By Booking a Tour

If you don’t feel like navigating the destination on your own, book a tour from the Cruise Port. The tours will take you to Wismar, Schwerin, Bad Doberan, or Berlin with a knowledgeable and experienced guide who can provide insights into the beauty of each city.

You can rest assured that all of your travel needs are taken care of, including any stops along the way at attractions or for meals. At Wismar, you can visit St. Nikolai Church and St. Mary’s Church, two beautiful churches that are a testament to this city’s long history.

Highlights in Wismar:

• Wismar’s Old Town and Brewery 
• Two Churches
• UNESCO site
• Classic Rathaus

At Schwerin , you can take in the stunning views of Schwerin Castle and explore its expansive grounds. Also, a beautiful church to explore.

Bad Doberan is home to the famous Bad Doberan Minster and if you’re lucky, you might even get to see one of their wild horses.

Berlin has so much more to offer than what can be seen on a day tour, but these tours are an excellent way to get acquainted with this diverse city and all of its fascinating sights. See Things to Do when visiting Berlin below for an extensive list of activities and places to visit.

• Stop ½ way for a nature break and snacks
• Tour buses in Germany can have a maximum of 35

🛳️ Book Your Europe Cruise

Best Cruise Ships that Visit Berlin

Visitors to Berlin can choose from a variety of cruise lines that offer excursions and shoreside experiences.

Popular cruise lines include Royal Caribbean, Holland America Line, Norwegian Cruise Line, MSC Cruises, Costa Cruises, Celebrity Cruises, Carnival Cruise Line, Regent Seven Seas Cruises, Viking Cruises, and Princess Cruises. All of these brands provide luxurious amenities and stunning views as you sail to the German capital.

Cruise Lines and Ships that visit Berlin

Berlin, Germany is a destination that attracts ships from various cruise lines.

• Royal Caribbean – Serenade of the Seas
• Holland America Line – Rotterdam, Zuiderdam, Nieuw Statendam
• Norwegian Cruise Line – Dawn, Getaway, Star
• MSC Cruises – Poesia, Euribia, Preziosa
• Celebrity Cruises – Apex, Silhouette
• Carnival Cruise Line – Legend
• Regent Seven Seas Cruises – Navigator, Voyager, Mariner
• Princess Cruises – Sky Princess, Caribbean Princess, Emerald Princess, Coral Princess
• Viking Cruises – Venus

Warnemunde Cruise Port: Where do cruise ships dock in Berlin?

The German port of Warnemünde serves as a gateway to Berlin, making it a popular stopover for cruise passengers. Various cruise lines provide excursions that include chartered train transportation to reach Berlin, with the journey typically taking around three hours.

35 Things to Do When Visiting Berlin from a Cruise Ship

Traveling to Berlin? Here’s a list of 35 Things to Do When Visiting this vibrant city!

1. Berlin Pavilion 

The Berlin Pavilion is a wonderful place to visit while in Berlin, located in the Tiergarten park. This building was commissioned by King Friedrich Wilhelm IV, and it provides a beautiful view of the city from its cupola lookout. Visitors can enjoy the lush gardens and picturesque statues that are scattered throughout this area.

👉 Book your tour that includes Berlin Pavilion

2. Alexanderplatz

Nestled in the vibrant heart of Berlin, Alexanderplatz is an inviting square brimming with an array of captivating restaurants and eclectic shops waiting to be discovered.

This bustling hub offers an abundance of entertainment options, featuring renowned historical landmarks like the Fernsehturm (Television Tower) and the venerable Marienkirche (St. Mary’s Church), among countless others. Immerse yourself in the enchanting allure of Alexanderplatz and embark on an extraordinary journey through this cultural haven.

The location makes it easily accessible from most parts of the city and is the perfect place to explore Berlin.

👉 Book your tour that includes Alexanderplatz

3. Holocaust Memorial

The Holocaust Memorial is an important place to visit in Berlin. Located near the Brandenburg Gate, it serves as a powerful reminder of one of history’s darkest moments and honors those who lost their lives during the Nazi era. Visiting this memorial will leave you with a deep appreciation for the many sacrifices made during that time.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Holocaust Memorial

4. Pergamon Museum

The Pergamon Museum houses an incredible collection of ancient art pieces, each showcasing a different culture.

This museum is one of the most popular attractions in Berlin and features famous artifacts such as the Ishtar Gate from Babylon and panels of the Mshatta Facade. A visit to this museum will leave you with a greater appreciation for the diversity of cultures around the world.

👉 Book your walking tour that includes the Pergamon Museum

5. East Side Gallery

The East Side Gallery is an outdoor art gallery with many colorful murals painted over the remnants of the Berlin Wall. It stands as a powerful reminder of how far we have come and serves as a celebration of freedom and unity. This open-air museum is sure to leave you feeling inspired and humbled at the same time.

👉 Book the Hop on Hop off Bus to get to the East Side Gallery

6. American Embassy 

The American Embassy is located near the Brandenburg Gate and serves as a reminder of the strong ties between Germany and America. Visiting this iconic building will give you an insight into the relationship between two powerful countries and allow you to gain a greater understanding of international relations.

👉 Book your tour that includes the American Embassy

7. Berlin Zoo or Aquarium

Berlin’s zoo and aquarium are both great places to visit if you want a fun and educational experience. The zoo houses over 19,000 animals from all around the world and the aquarium features thousands of sea creatures, including sharks, jellyfish, and stingrays.

Both attractions are perfect for families or individuals looking to spend a few hours exploring Berlin’s incredible animal life.

8. Tiergarten Park

Tiergarten Park is one of the largest parks in Berlin and a perfect place to relax after a long day of sightseeing. It features beautiful gardens, tranquil lakes, and scenic pathways; it’s also a great spot for bird-watching. Whether you’re looking for some peace and quiet or just want to take in all the natural beauty of Berlin, Tiergarten Park is a must-see.

👉 Book your tour that includes Tiergarten Park

9. Take a River Cruise

What better way to experience the city of Berlin than by taking a river cruise down its iconic river, the Spree? You’ll get an up-close look at some of Berlin’s most recognizable landmarks as you float past, and you might even learn something new about the city and its history. Plus, the cruise is a great way to take in all of Berlin’s beauty from a different perspective.

👉 Book your Berlin 3-Course Dinner Cruise

10. Berlin Wall

No visit to Berlin would be complete without seeing the historic Berlin Wall. This iconic structure stands as a reminder of the city’s turbulent history and is filled with stories of courage, resilience, and hope.

Visiting the wall provides a powerful look into the past, as well as some incredible views of modern-day Berlin. The main section of the Berlin Wall can be found in the Mitte district of Berlin.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Berlin Wall

11. Berlin Wall Memorial

The Berlin Wall Memorial is a great way to learn more about Germany’s tumultuous past. Visitors can take in the powerful atmosphere of this memorial, which consists of two parts – an outdoor exhibition area and an indoor documentation center.

With its location near Checkpoint Charlie and Bebelplatz, the Berlin Wall Memorial is an essential part of the Berlin experience.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Berlin Wall Memorial

12. Topography of Terror Museum

Another great way to learn more about Germany’s history is by visiting the Topography of Terror Museum. This museum, located near Checkpoint Charlie, showcases artifacts and information related to the Nazi regime and its victims. By visiting this museum, visitors can gain a better understanding of the horrors of this period in history.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Topography of Terror Museum

13. Checkpoint Charlie

Checkpoint Charlie is a must-see for anyone visiting Berlin from Warnemunde. It was once one of the main checkpoints between East and West Berlin and is now a museum that displays artifacts from both sides of the wall, as well as stories about those who risked their lives attempting to cross it.

👉 Book your tour that includes Checkpoint Charlie

14. Opera House

The Berlin State Opera is one of the city’s most renowned cultural institutions. Located in central Mitte, this beautiful building offers visitors a unique opportunity to take in a piece of musical culture and experience some of the best performances of the operatic arts.

From mesmerizing concerts to stunning ballets, you’ll be sure to find something that captivates your senses at the Berlin State Opera.

👉 Book your walking tour that includes the Opera House

15. TV Tower

The TV Tower is one of Berlin’s iconic landmarks. At 1207 feet (368 meters) tall, it offers stunning views of the city and its surrounding areas from its observation deck.

On a clear day, you can even see as far as Potsdam! Not only that, but the tower also serves as a beacon for visitors and locals alike, lighting up brightly in the night sky. Located in Alexanderplatz, the TV Tower is a must-see for any Berlin excursion from Warnemunde.

👉 Book your tickets to the Berlin TV Tower

16. Reichstag Building

The Reichstag Building stands as a memorial to the German Parliament and symbolizes Germany’s democratic spirit. This iconic building was built in 1894 and allowed visitors to explore the history of German democracy over the centuries.

Visitors can take tours of the building, marvel at its intricate architecture and watch debates in the Bundestag chamber. The Reichstag Building is located near other monuments such as the Brandenburg Gate and Victory Column, making it a great place to explore Berlin’s rich history and culture.

👉 Book your tour that includes Reichstag Building

17. Museum Square

Museum Square is a must-see when visiting Berlin from Warnemunde. Located in the center of the city, Museum Square is home to some of Europe’s most famous museums and galleries such as the Alte Nationalgalerie and Neue Nationalgalerie.

Here, visitors can explore artworks from around the world spanning different eras and genres – from the ancient to the contemporary. It’s a great place to spend a few hours and take in Berlin’s amazing culture. Book your tour that includes Museum Square

18. Berlin Cathedral

The Berlin Cathedral is one of the most impressive sights in the city, with its towering spire and ornate interior. Located near Museum Island on the Spree River, this historic cathedral offers visitors an opportunity to explore centuries of German Christianity and culture.

Visitors can take a guided tour or simply admire its beautiful architecture from the outside, making it a great addition to any Berlin shore excursion.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Berlin Cathedral

19. Victory Column

The Victory Column, located in the heart of Berlin near the Brandenburg Gate, is an impressive monument that commemorates Prussian victories. It stands over 220 feet (67 meters) high and is a popular destination for visitors due to its incredible architecture and wonderful city views.

Visitors can climb up the 285 steps to reach the top, making it a great spot to take in panoramic views of Berlin.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Victory Column

20. Red City Hall

The Red City Hall is a stunning building located in the center of Berlin and cannot be missed. This magnificent sandstone structure houses the offices of the local government and has an impressive facade with 12 towers that symbolize each district of Berlin.

It is also home to a number of interesting historical artifacts, making it an ideal destination for visitors interested in learning more about the city and its past. The Red City Hall is located near the Brandenburg Gate, making it an easy addition to any shore excursion.

21. Jewish Museum Berlin

The Jewish Museum Berlin is a modern museum dedicated to preserving the history of Jews in Germany. The museum includes interactive exhibits that explore different aspects of German-Jewish life from medieval times up until the present day.

This museum is a must-see and offers visitors a unique chance to learn about the history of German Jews in an interesting and engaging manner. The Jewish Museum Berlin is located near the Red City Hall, making it an easy addition to any shore excursion.

👉 Book your tour that includes the Jewish Museum Berlin

22. Unter-den-Linden Boulevard

Unter-den-Linden Boulevard is Berlin’s famous boulevard stretching from the Brandenburg Gate to Museumsinsel, and it provides visitors with a glimpse into the city’s past.

Here, visitors can find impressive buildings such as the German State Opera House, Schlossbrücke Bridge, and the Humboldt University, all of which provide a glimpse into the city’s history and culture.

Visitors will also find plenty of shopping and dining options along the boulevard, making it a great place to explore during a shore excursion. Under-den-Linden Boulevard is conveniently located near Red City Hall and the Jewish Museum Berlin.

👉 Book your tour that includes Unter-den-Linden Boulevard

23. Potsdam Square

Potsdam Square is a beautiful and vibrant square in the heart of Berlin. Here, visitors can find street performers, cafes, restaurants, and plenty of shopping options. It’s also home to some famous landmarks such as Brandenburg Gate and the Victory Column. Potsdam Square is conveniently located near Red City Hall and the Jewish Museum Berlin.

👉 Book the Hop on Hop off Bus to get to Potsdam Square

24. Bellevue Palace

Bellevue Palace is a stunning neoclassical palace in the heart of Berlin. Visitors can explore the palace’s beautiful gardens, take a guided tour of its interior, and enjoy views of the nearby Spree River. Bellevue Palace is conveniently located near Potsdam Square and Kurfürstendamm.

👉 Book the Hop on Hop off Bus to get to Bellevue Palace

25. Bebelplatz with the empty Library

Bebelplatz is an iconic Berlin landmark that features a memorial to the burning of books during World War II, known as the “empty library”. Visitors can take in this powerful reminder of past events and reflect on its relevance in modern times. Bebelplatz is conveniently located near Brandenburg Gate and Bellevue Palace.

👉 Book your tour that includes Bebelplatz

26. Brandenburg Gate

The Brandenburg Gate and the Reichstag are must-see attractions in Berlin. Visitors can admire the beautiful architecture of the Brandenburg Gate or explore inside the Reichstag, where you can learn more about Germany’s government and history. The Brandenburg Gate and Reichstag are conveniently located near Potsdam Square and Bebelplatz.

👉 Book your tour that includes Brandenburg Gate

27. Gendarmenmarkt

Gendarmenmarkt is a public square situated in the heart of Berlin. Visitors can admire the breathtaking architecture of the Concert House, French Cathedral, and German Cathedral, as well as take in great views of Berlin’s cityscape. Located near Potsdam Square and Bebelplatz, Gendarmenmarkt provides visitors with an authentic Berlin experience.

👉 Book your tour that includes Gendarmenmarkt

28. Stressed especially 17. Juni 

Stressed especially 17. Juni is a long stretch of park that commemorates the events of June 17, 1953 when East Germans protested against Soviet rule.

Visitors can take in beautiful views of the nearby Tiergarten and Berlin Zoo, as well as remember the significance of what happened on this historic day. Stressed especially 17. Juni is conveniently located near Brandenburg Gate and Bellevue Palace.

👉 Book your tour that includes Stressed especially 17. Juni

29. Hitler’s Bunker

Hitler’s Bunker is a structure located near Potsdamer Platz that served as the infamous Nazi dictator’s headquarters during World War II.

Visiting Hitler’s Bunker provides an immersive look into the events of this period in history, and allows visitors to gain a more personal understanding of Germany’s role in WWII. It is the only remaining structure of its kind in Berlin and provides a haunting reminder of the past.

👉 Book your walking tour that includes Hitler’s Bunker

30. Charlottenburg Palace

Charlottenburg Palace is the oldest surviving Prussian palace in Berlin and one of the city’s top tourist attractions.

Located in the Charlottenburg district, this former royal residence features stunning architecture, beautiful gardens, and plenty of history to explore. Visitors can enjoy a guided tour or simply wander through the vast grounds and admire the lavish décor from centuries past.

👉 Book your tour that includes Charlottenburg Palace

31. Kurfürstendamm (Ku-Damn) West Berlin’s most famous street

Kurfürstendamm (Ku-Damm) is West Berlin’s most iconic street. This bustling boulevard, located in the center of the city, features upscale shops, gourmet restaurants, and plenty of entertainment venues.

Visitors can explore the shops along this historic street or simply enjoy people-watching while admiring its unique architecture. Ku-Damm is the perfect place to experience local culture and gain a better understanding of Berlin’s rich history.

👉 Book your tour that includes Kurfurstendamm

32. Emperor William Memorial Church – the hollow tooth

The Emperor William Memorial Church, also known as the “Hollow Tooth”, is an iconic symbol of Berlin located in the center of Tiergarten Park . The church, damaged during WWII, was preserved in its original state and still stands today as a reminder of Germany’s turbulent past.

Visiting this historic monument provides visitors with a unique insight into Berlin’s complex history and is well worth a visit. The church is located near the Brandenburg Gate, offering convenient access to this popular tourist spot.

33. Berlins Hauptbahnhof (Main Train Station)

Berlins Hauptbahnhof is the central train station located in the city center and is a popular tourist destination. It features an impressive architectural design, shopping, restaurants, and convenient connections to other cities throughout Germany.

This bustling hub offers visitors a chance to experience local culture while enjoying modern amenities, making it an ideal spot for exploring Berlin’s exciting attractions.

34. Sashsenhausen Camp

The Sashsenhausen Concentration Camp is located in a suburb of Berlin and provides visitors with an insight into one of the darkest chapters in German history. Visiting this memorial site offers a sobering reminder of the past and is essential for understanding how far Germany has come since WWII.

The camp grounds are well-preserved and feature various monuments, exhibitions, and memorials, making it an impactful experience.

👉 Book your Berlin & Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp Tour

35. Nightlife in Berlin

Berlin is known for its vibrant nightlife with bars, clubs, and pubs located throughout the city. With a range of music styles to choose from such as techno, EDM, rock, and jazz there is something to suit every taste. The friendly atmosphere makes it easy to make new friends and the opportunity to experience the city until the early hours of the morning.

👉 Book your 4-Course Sunset Dinner Cruise Including Drinks

NOTE: Pipes can be seen above ground in Berlin. These are for carrying water for construction projects, and because of the high water table in Berlin, it is the best solution.

Cruise Ship Shore Excursions

Most ships offer shore excursions you can book on board and take to visit Berlin from the cruise ship. Click on the cruise line below to see the excursions currently offered.

• Royal Caribbean
• Holland America Line
• Norwegian Cruise Line
• MSC Cruises
• Celebrity Cruises
• Carnival Cruise Line
• Regent Seven Seas Cruises
• Princess Cruises
• Viking Cruises

What is Berlin known for?

Berlin is renowned for its rich history, vibrant culture, and exciting nightlife. It has been the epicenter of German politics since it became the capital in 1871 and is home to iconic monuments such as The Brandenburg Gate.

It is also a melting pot of cultures due to its incredibly diverse population stemming from all corners of the world. Berlin is known for its thriving art scene, featuring both stunning street art and renowned contemporary galleries.

From the legendary Berghain nightclubs to the world-famous Berlin Film Festival, there is something for everyone in this city. Berlin is also known for its unique architecture, ranging from historical buildings to modern designs.

Last, but not least, it is home to many of Germany’s top universities, making it a vibrant hub of innovation and creativity. Whether you’re looking for history, culture, or nightlife, Berlin has something to offer everyone!

Is Berlin worth visiting?

Absolutely! Whether you want to immerse yourself in the city’s history, explore its culture, or experience its nightlife, there is something for everyone in Berlin. Not only does it boast iconic monuments such as The Brandenburg Gate and the Berlin Wall Memorial, but it also features amazing street art and contemporary galleries.

Plus, with all of the universities located here, Berlin has become a vibrant hub of innovation and creativity. And let’s not forget about its thriving nightlife! There is something for everyone in this dynamic city. So if you’re looking for an exciting vacation destination, Berlin is definitely worth considering.

Can I walk to the city center from the Berlin cruise port?

Unfortunately, walking to the city center from a cruise port is not an option if you’re visiting Berlin. The Warnemunde Cruise Port is located in Rostock, Germany which is about 3 hours by bus from the city center of Berlin.

However, if your cruise ship docks at the port in Warnemunde Town, then it is possible to walk to the city center of Warnemunde. The town of Warnemunde is a small fishing village located in the district of Rostock, Germany and it takes about 15 minutes on foot to reach its central area.

How far is the port from the beach?

The Warnemunde Cruise Port is located just a short 10-minute walk from the beach. This makes it easy to enjoy the warm weather and sun while visiting the area. Enjoy a relaxing day in the sand or take a stroll along the beach and admire the stunning views!

Transportation in Berlin and the Warmemunde Port

How to get to warmemunde from the cruise terminal port.

You can easily walk to the town of Warnemunde from the cruise port terminal. The journey takes about 10 minutes and is an enjoyable stroll along a scenic path.

How to get from Warmemunde Port to Berlin?

The easiest way to get from the Warnemunde Cruise Port to Berlin is by taking a train. The journey takes about 3 hours and offers comfortable seating, as well as impressive views along the way. Make sure you purchase your tickets in advance to avoid any hassles!

What is the most popular transportation in Berlin?

The majority of tourists utilize the U-Bahn to navigate the city. Distinguished by its vibrant yellow trains, this underground rail network comprises 10 distinct routes, encompassing over 173 stops throughout the city.

Frequently Ask Questions (FAQs): Berlin from a Cruise Ship

Cruise ship visitors often have questions about Berlin, so here are some of the most frequently asked questions to help you plan your trip.

The official currency in Berlin, Germany is Euro (EUR). Please make sure to exchange your local currency before you arrive.

The easiest way to get to Berlin City Centre from Warnemunde port is by train. Multiple trains are running throughout the day and taking around 2-2.5 hours.

No, due to the distance of around 90 miles (140 km). However, you can take the train which takes 2-2.5 hours from Warnemunde port to Berlin City Centre.

Near Warnemunde there are a variety of activities such as beach activities, boat tours, shopping, and wonderful restaurants.

The public transportation system in Berlin is very extensive. You can easily get around by train, bus, hop on hop off buses , or taxi. Uber also operates in Berlin if you prefer a private ride service.

The distance between Warnemunde and Berlin is approximately 90 miles (140km).

Yes, the Warnemunde terminal offers complimentary Wi-Fi for all its passengers.

The Wrap-Up: Berlin from a Cruise Ship

Visiting Berlin from a cruise ship is an unforgettable experience. Not only do you get to explore the sites and sounds of one of Europe’s most vibrant cities, but you can also take advantage of its easy access to Warnemunde Cruise Terminal.

From shopping and sightseeing to beach activities and wonderful restaurants, there is something for everyone in Warnemunde.

For more information about visiting European cities from a cruise ship, be sure to check out our blog posts on Kiel (Hamburg) from a Cruise Ship and Copenhagen from a Cruise Ship at travelmustdos.com . It will give you the full low-down of what to expect and share some great tips for making your visit even more special!

Other Posts that you may find helpful!

• Tallinn from a Cruise Ship
• Cruising Posts
• Spain Ports
• England (UK) Ports
• Denmark Ports

Melodie Rush is an avid traveler and a passionate explorer. Born in North Carolina, my journey from road trips with my parents to exploring diverse cultures across five continents has fueled my love for practical and immersive travel. Join me and Gary as we share straightforward insights, must-dos, and travel tips to make your adventures seamless and memorable. Let's explore the world with purpose!

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Our guide Matt is a history major. His in depth knowledge of the events of WW2 and the cold war period enriched our tour. We thoroughly enjoyed our day in Berlin and look forward to returning to discover more about this wonderful city.

I was delighted with this virtual tour. It was very informative, and I was surprised by the amount of knowledge passed within this short hour trip. The tour guide was just great, and I can recommend taking trips with Taylor. Hope to see all the beautiful places we've heard about once we arrive in Berlin, someday...

We just finished this tour with Jonathon as our tour guide. His knowledge of Berlin and the history was impressive and we learnt so much more than we thought we would. Jonathan totally amused us with his jokes and side remarks, very entertaining and enjoyable.

HillgirlAustralia

The puns were fun! Jonathan made the visit very interesting and informative interlaced with funny quips and puns. We saw all the key sights of interest as well as a superb shopping precinct.

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Fun, flexible, rewarding and reliable.

Why? Because your Berlin Shore excursion with Nick is a great idea.

My Berlin shore excursion means you do what you want to do, when and how you want to do it.

Save time and money, avoid large, slow groups, and see more Berlin with your own personalized itinerary.

Send me your cruise dates port ship name and timings and I’ll do the rest!

Book your tour now:

The Berlin shore excursion works like this

This a ship to ship service. We will pick you and set off as soon as you arrive on shore, and get you back to the ship comfortably for departure. 

Your driver and private vehicle will meet you and transfer you swiftly to Berlin where you meet your guide (me). 

You will have your guide driver and vehicle all day – from ship to ship.

You’ll arrive ahead of other groups, and with our flexibility you stay ahead of the pack and see more all day before returning to your port. 

Using the ship transport offer?

No problem – take the ship transport and I will meet you when you arrive in Berlin and after our tour deliver you to your departure point too!

My Shore excursion is the best way to see Berlin

We can drive to see all the sites, but also get out whenever we want to explore, walk the streets and rub shoulders with the locals, so you get the best ‘in Berlin’ time available.

Your Shore excursion can look like this: 

This will be your day- so can dictate what you see and when.

Travel time is ca. 2.5hrs each way including a short break for your comfort.

On arrival, we tour all the major highlight sites, the historic center of Berlin is smallish. 

Then after a quick lunch we can explore themes in more depth, or shop or visit a museum, whatever you want!

What do we cover?

The vehicle tour sees ALL the highlight sites and photo ops sites Berlin has to offer: 

We start right away in the heart of the former west Berlin at the famous palace Schloss Charlottenburg palace , here we can get overview of Berlin’s history to set a framework for the rest of the day.

We then move through the famous Tiergarten Park , seeing the Victory Column that signified the unification wars that created the modern Germany in 1871.

We explore the area around the Brandenburg Gate , symbol of division and now unity and the new diplomatic quarter around the famous Reichstag parliament .

We can follow the line marking the former course of the Berlin Wall . 

We get out (only if you want) to visit the adjacent Holocaust Memorial on foot, pass the gleaming new corporate architectural showcase Potsdamerplatz, stand above the site of Hitler’s bunker (I was involved in the creation of the information board here) and see the former political heart of the Nazi capital (the Propaganda ministry and the Air Ministry still stand).

We can see a surviving stretch of the Berlin wall at Checkpoint Charlie , scene of escapes , and move through the historic city center with the central street Unter den Linden with its beautiful squares Gendarmenmarkt and Bebelplatz , here is Einstein’s university , the opera house, and the impressive memorial to the Nazi book burning .

Then on to Museum Island , the site of the former royal palace , the cathedral , and the famous museums .  Here the last, dramatic demonstrations took place that opened the Berlin Wall in 1989. 

We also pass through the heart of Communist east Berlin , through Alexanderplatz with the TV tower and along Stalin Allee, a Socialist showcase, to see the largest section of the Berlin Wall – the famous East Side Gallery . 

Depending on interest the Jewish quarter can also be explored, it has many stories and memorials to the brilliant and often tragic past and present of Berlin’s Jewish community. 

Something special you want to see?

If there is something special you would like to visit in the afternoon just let me know.  Perhaps a quick visit to the Jewish Museum, or New Museum to see Nefertiti?

Just let me know.

Get in touch with me [email protected]

Do you have any questions?

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Berlin by Cruise Ship?

Northern Europe (Scandinavia and the Baltic Sea) lends itself to cruising–that’s why it was a natural destination for my new cruising guidebook . While in most cases the ship ties up right in the city center, the “port of Berlin” is an exception. Cruisers visit Berlin by the tens of thousands via the northern German port town of Warnemünde, which is a whopping 150 miles away. From Warnemünde, cruise lines charter buses or trains (in the case of my cruise, two entire trains), and over a thousand travelers from each ship get an early start and make the three-hour trip to the German capital for a busy five hours before hopping back on the same train or bus for the three-hour return trip. It’s a long day, but if you’ve never seen Berlin, it’s a real hit. While I didn’t make the excursion south, everyone I talked to enjoyed their day. I stayed in the north, visiting Warnemünde, a beach town with a popular boardwalk; and Rostock, less than a 30-minute train ride away.

(Photo by Trish Feaster. Read her blog at The Travelphile.com .)

7 Replies to “Berlin by Cruise Ship?”

I have actually lived in Berlin and visited it several times since living there. I will be visiting Berlin again in September 2013. I still have many things to see and do.

My husband and I spent four months in Europe a couple of years ago. One of our excursions was a 12 day Northern cruise. We also skipped Berlin and spent the day walking around Warnemunde and Rostock. We took a short boat ride from Warnemunde to Rostock. It was very enjoyable, beautiful architecture, lots of pictures. I would highly recommend it.

As in most cases, If traveling to Berlin, a savvy traveler will come up with much cheaper alternatives to the ship’s excursions. The port is immediately adjacent to the train station and it’s very convenient to take the train into central Berlin – especially if your schedule accommodates one of the direct connections to Berlin via ICE high-speed train. (Otherwise you’re likely to transfer in Rostock – which is quite convenient). All easy to plan and book online.

Not only will the trip be cheaper, it will likely be faster (especially ICE direct) and nicer. The ship charters are likely to be busses or old, less desirable train stock.

I’m glad to see that you’re finally giving northern Germany some coverage. For too long, a lot of your fans seemed to be of the opinion that it wasn’t worth visiting, because Rick Steves doesn’t write about it.

I think I would pass on Berlin, I have found that these cities are frustrating to see in just a few hours. When we travel in Europe we usually give big cities two to three days. That is the downfall of cruising, it looks good on paper, but when you really try to see these big sites in one day intervals you don’t see too much for the cost.

I like how clean ‘n’ green Warnemünde seems in the first shot, which I wouldn’t have credited to a busy seaport. Notice the exhaust-puffing power team: a giant ship, 5 big lorries, 5 buses, and a train line. But apparently the many thick trees, abeted by energetic seawind, are doing a good job offsetting the damage.

Judy – re your comment – “I have found that these cities are frustrating to see in just a few hours. When we travel in Europe we usually give big cities two to three days.”

I agree. However, sometimes those few hours are your only opportunity (for the time being). Key to enjoying the experience is to realize the limitations and work within them. If one takes it as an opportunity for a simple overview – knowing that you’ll need to return to fully experience the city – you can have a great day. In the case of Berlin, we decided to take a segway tour (knowing that in any event, we’d be seeing things from the street anyway if we took a walking or ship’s bus tour). It was a great way to make use of those hours. I expect we’ll visit Berlin in the next few years and will get to know the city better.

In almost all cases, doing advance research (perhaps via Rick Steves’ publications) will result in a richer experience that takes better advantage of your limited time than is offered by the ship’s excursions.

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Berlin On Your Own

• Experience the diverse, cosmopolitan city of Berlin at your own pace, exploring its rich and varied history.
• Enjoy the flexibility of a self-guided tour via a comfortable coach and introductory guide for a more personalized visit.
• Discover the grand Brandenburg Gate, the poignant Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe, or the world-class Pergamon museums.
• Take in Berlin's vibrant districts, from the artist's haven in East Central to the upscale City West.
• Secure your spot on this unique Berlin tour, guaranteed to sell out quickly, and make your next cruise vacation memorable.

When many people think of Berlin, they automatically think about World War II and the destruction associated with it. While that dark period is indelibly etched into Berlin's history, the city itself is much more than that. You will have up to 5 hours to discover today's Berlin just as you wish, and how you would like.

Hop on the comfortable coach for a relaxing ride to Berlin. Once you reach the city you will meet your guide in West Berlin at the Charlottenburg Palace and then be let loose to venture out on your own.

See Berlin's best sights at your own pace and explore the parts of this cosmopolitan capital city which interest you the most. Whether it's the impressive imperial grandeur of the Brandenburg Gate you seek, or the somber reflection of the poignant Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe, there is plenty to discover in this historic city.

Take in the world-class Pergamon museums at Museum Island, or have a relaxing walk along the picturesque boulevard Unter den Linden. See a piece of history at the remains of the Berlin Wall in the East Side Gallery, and enjoy great views of the city from the dome of the Reichstag. Learn about the city's divided past at Checkpoint Charlie, where signs in English, German, and Russian inform you when you have crossed the old American sector. Shop til you drop at Kurfurstendamm, Berlin's glamorous shopping district. The choice is yours on this flexible day trip to Berlin.

The East Central part of Berlin is an artist's haven that will resonate with the hippie and LBGT crowd; this part of the city is undergoing gentrification so is a big draw for students and is the home of the large influx of Turkish immigrants who arrived a few decades ago and put down roots.

The City West district is where you will want to make your way to for upscale shops and dining, Charlottenburg Palace and the Olympic stadium. A visit to the north will offer beautiful, spacious old towns and historic homes while the south is where wealthy neighborhoods mix in with poorer ones. Nature lovers will adore its beautiful lake and pristine forest.

Make your way back to the Charlottenburg Palace at the appointed time to meet your transportation for the return trip to the port and your ship. What are you waiting for? Book your spot now and get ready to discover your Berlin.

Shore Excursions: Berlin for Cruise Guests

Coming to Berlin for just one day? Not a problem!

Every summer we get many questions from people who come to Europe for a cruise in the Baltic sea. These ships usually make a halt for a day in Warnemünde/Rostock in North-Eastern Germany, where there's not much to do except using the day to visit Berlin. Here's a collection of the most frequently asked questions.

► Should we really go to Berlin on our cruise?

This is a question that cannot be answered with a clear Yes or a clear No. First of all, Berlin is definitely worth a visit, and we can accomplish a lot in one day. Secondly, it's a question of alternatives: Your vacation time is precious, and there's not much to do in Rostock and the surrounding area, which is basically very rural. However, you should take into consideration that you'll be spending some time on the road, traveling to Berlin and back (see exact details below). Your ship needs to dock in Warnemünde/Rostock for about 11 hours or more, otherwise the trip to Berlin won't make much sense.

► Can you organize somebody to pick us up, take us to Berlin and bring us back?

Yes, we can. We'll organize a chauffeur that will wait for you at the Cruise Center, holding a sign with your name. He'll take you to Berlin and be at our disposal for the tour too, after which he'll take you back to the ship. All the chauffeurs we regularly work with speak sufficient English, of course (which is quite hard to find in North-Eastern Germany).

► Can we make our own transfer arrangements and book you just for the tour itself?

Yes, if you prefer to do so. We're happy to help in organizing the transfer for you; but naturally, you can also book a private chauffeur yourselves. We’d be happy to guide you with any driver of your choice, as long as he/she speaks English or German (otherwise it might be a little difficult to tell him/her how to drive and where to take us in Berlin...). Alternatively, you could come with the ship's bus and use one of us as your guide in Berlin, either for a walking tour or with a local driver. You could even rent a car and drive to Berlin on your own; in this case please remember that only you will be registered as the driver, so you'll need to be the driver in Berlin too, following our directions.

► When do we meet you?

We will meet when you get to Berlin. The chauffeurs we're working with, when organizing cruise tours, live in Rostock (where your ship will most probably dock – Warnemünde is Rostock’s cruise port). Our idea is to make the chauffeur's route identical with your route: Because they live in Rostock, they don’t have to drive to Rostock before picking you up, nor do they have to drive back to Berlin after bringing you back (as is the case with chauffeurs that live in Berlin and naturally want to be paid a lot more than the Rostock chauffeurs - usually twice as much).

► How much time does it take to get to Berlin and back?

About 2.5 hours for each direction, depending on traffic of course (on weekends there's less traffic than on weekdays). Depending on the arrival and departure times of your ship, this usually leaves you with about six to seven hours to spend in Berlin itself.

► What can we cover on our tour with you?

A classical “Berlin in a day" tour covers all the important sites in both East and West Berlin. During our day, we will focus on and make stops at the most important locations, including Brandenburg Gate, Paris Square, the Reichstag, Checkpoint Charlie, the Berlin Wall, Potsdam Square, the Book Burning square, the Holocaust memorial and many others - please contact us for a complete itinerary . To this classical tour, we can add some more in-depth extras, depending on how much time you can spend in Berlin that day. This would usually be the Jewish Quarter (with the New Synagogue, the old Jewish cemetery and other locations) and the Jewish Museum. If your time is short, we can focus on one of these extras.

► Can we visit the former concentration camp Sachsenhausen during our tour?

No. Although the former camp is somewhat near the highway between Berlin and your port, it's actually not that close to Berlin and can't be included in our tour. Technically speaking, you could do that on your way back to the ship, but you'd need to dedicate at least 2 hours for a meaningful visit (including the driving time through the countryside and back to the highway). However, since you'll probably have just about 6-7 hours for Berlin, we don't recommend making that even shorter by visiting Sachsenhausen on your way back.

► Can we change the suggested route?

Yes, you can. Our suggestions are based on our experience and on what most people are interested in, but our planning is flexible and we can focus on what interests you, combing various topics into one unique tour that suits your preferences. You can also decide during the tour itself that we shift our focus from one topic to the other (for example, from the wall and German history to the Jewish story of Berlin, or vice versa).

► Do we have time to eat something during the day?

Yes, and we will find the best solution to meet your expectations. This can be a quick sandwich break, a fine restaurant with local food for slowly absorbing the chequered history of this city, or anything in between - depending on your time, your energy level and your needs. We can also visit a kosher place (although there aren't too many kosher restaurants in Berlin ).

► We have a certain health condition, can you adjust?

Of course we can, and it is very important that we know about it. For example, people with diabetes need scheduled breaks. If there's any special need that should be taken into consideration, please make sure to inform us about it in advance.

► Can we bring our friends with us?

Yes, you can. The Mercedes type of car that most chauffeurs use has room for seven passengers, i.e. six guests + one guide. If you are looking for other (Jewish) people on the same ship to join your tour, you could post your question on the forum of cruise critic , the forum of cruise addicts , or the forum of cruise mates . You might also want to try the more general Berlin forum on TripAdvisor . We've been told about these forums by previous guests, and if you know of other good websites to look for tour partners, please let us know so we could share them with other guests as well.

► Our ship guarantees that if their bus is late and the ship has left without us, they will pay to get us to the next port in time. Can you do the same?

No. Only your ship can give you this guarantee, because they can always wait for their own tours to return, without actually taking the risk of leaving before you're there. For anybody else (such as ourselves or the drivers), the costs involved in giving such a guarantee can be immense. Please think about this aspect before contacting a service other than the one offered by your ship. However, planning a “safety zone" for your return to the port, about 60-90 minutes before your ship's departure, will keep you on the safe side. In the unlikely event of a major problem on the highway (e. g. if it's blocked because of an accident), then it would be a problem for everybody on the highway, including the ship's buses. In such a case, a short telephone call with the ship will make sure that they know you're having the same problem as their own tours, and that you'll arrive shortly after or even before their buses.

► How much time do we need to book you in advance?

Since we only do private, tailor-made tours, this is a question of availability. The sooner you contact us, the higher the chances that one of us is still available and can reserve the date for you. Please also take into consideration that it's not just up to our calendar, as we also have to find a good (English speaking!) chauffeur who's still available on the requested date.

► What happens if you can't find an English speaking driver?

This doesn't happen often, but sometimes all of our usual, English speaking drivers are already booked or out of town, etc. If this happens, we will ask you if a professional driver with basic English language skills would be an acceptable alternative for you (basically, this shouldn’t make much of a difference, since the drivers just drive; but for the general experience of our guests, we always try to book a driver who can converse in English).

For all other details, please write us an email with the following important details:

The date you're docking in Germany

Where you're docking (most probably Warnemünde/Rostock)

Your ship's name

At what time of the day you want to be picked up (your ship might dock at 5 am, but obviously you don't have to get out of bed so early, unless you want to)

At what time you want to be back at the ship (if your ship leaves at 11 pm, you could have a nice dinner in Berlin before heading back, or you could head back early and have dinner on board)

How long you'd like our tour to be (depending of course on the time left after deducting a total of about 5 hours of traveling time to Berlin and back)

How many guests are coming with you

Any special requests you might have, such as focusing on a specific topic, kosher food, visiting a specific address during our tour, or if you’re traveling with a child who needs a child seat in the car, etc.

We'd be happy to advise you personally and make you an offer according to your specific requirements.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

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