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THE GRIEF OF PARENTS WHEN A CHILD DIES

Introduction.

The death of a child is devastating and often referred to as the worst experience a parent can endure. A child’s death causes a profound family crisis. It shatters core beliefs and assumptions about the world and the expectations about how life should unfold. The overwhelming suffering and intense emotions that flood the days, weeks, months, and years following the loss is called grief.

The pain of grief is extremely intense as parents digest the finality of never seeing their child again and the loss of future hopes and plans. While memories of the child flood their mind, they also experience a deep emptiness and unimaginable void in their lives. Grief impacts a parent’s whole identity as well as the identity and security of other members of the family.

Some emotions of grief can be shared with others, while other intense feelings of loneliness or guilt, may never be put into words. The ways in which feelings and emotions of grief are experienced and expressed differ from person to person. One parent may need to talk a great deal about the loss and the pain, while another may become quiet and withdrawn. Some try to avoid facing their pain by holding feelings inside and acting as though they are fine. Although painful and difficult, expressing grief is vitally important. It helps a parent work through the pain of the loss. With time, the pain of loss, although always there, becomes less intensive. The parent-child relationship often takes on new forms as a parent connects with their child in new ways.

The hope in offering this e-book is to provide what might happen in the grief process and the many responses that may be experienced. Just as everyone has a different fingerprint, so is your grief journey. It is not expected that anyone will experience every aspect of what is written here. You may have aspects of your grief that are particularly difficult. Other descriptions may not fit with how you feel or what you experience. In the end, this is only meant to aid in understanding and expressing your grief your way.

The love you have for your child is not severed but rather your relationship continues in a different context, for it’s not how they DIED, but how they LIVED.

Grief Responses at the Time of Death

When parents first learn of the death of their child, their response is often one of shock, denial, disbelief, or numbness. I was out of town when my son, Tony, drowned while cleaning our pool. He had to torturous task of calling to give me the news. Kindly, he had arranged for my sister to be with me when he called.

He started the conversation telling me he loved me and to try and be strong. His next words were simply, “Tony is gone.” Somehow, I knew exactly what he meant. After I hung up, I started to cry, sob, and scream inconsolably as my whole body trembled. This just couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be happening. Only moments before, I had been going about my life. Only moments before, my life had felt intact. Overwhelmed with emotions, I fell to the floor, my knees buckling under the weight of what I had just learned. I remember a haze of emotions flooding my mind. As my sister reached to hold and hug me, I remember that I could hear her words but yet couldn’t understand them.

These reactions help cushion the full impact of the loss until ready and able to face the devastating reality of our child’s death and the multiple meanings it has for everyone involved. These reactions may last for only a few minutes or they can last for hours, days, weeks, or even months.

Shock is particularly profound when death is sudden and tragic such as an unforeseen accident, suicide, or murder. These sudden phone calls or knocks at the door are a parents’ worst nightmare. If parents have an opportunity to see their child after death, although very difficult, it may help in facing the reality of the tragedy. Sudden deaths also occur with newborns such as a stillbirth, fatal birth defect, or when a seemingly normal infant dies of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). With any child’s death, no matter the cause or age, the shock is profound.

If a child has died after a long, lingering illness such as a chronic disease, the death may still be sudden, perhaps following an acute relapse, or it may be expected as when the medical team and parents understand and agree that nothing more can be done. When you have faced a chronic illness and related intensive treatments for weeks or months, feelings of relief when the child is no longer suffering and is at peace may be experienced. However, parents have indicated that, even when the death of a child is expected, it isn’t real until the final goodbye.

When the sense of shock wears off, there is often a period of emotional release when the parents become aware of the devastating meaning of their child’s death. Some parents will weep and cry, while others might talk incessantly. The emotional release is important and should never be discouraged. The time to deal with emotions is when experienced. One should not try to postpone their feelings until a more convenient time or place.

The Grief Journey

Grief is normal. It is our reaction to loss but nothing prepares for the loss of child, whether sudden or expected. The grief journey has many emotional peaks and valleys for which society generally does not recognize. Because each person’s grief journey is as unique as their fingerprint, you may find that you, your spouse, and your family are all processing grief at different speeds and in different ways. The death of a child isn’t something you will get over; it is something you learn to live with.

When your child dies, the grief journey does not end in a week, a month or even a year. Don’t let others’ expectations be a guideline for your progress. Be patient with yourself and with your family members. It also helps to be tolerant and accepting of the different approaches others may take on their own grief journey.

Grieving parents may be flooded with negative emotions such as guilt, regret, and fear. All of these are normal feelings for bereaved parents but they can be difficult to accept, to understand and to share with others.

Feelings of GUILT occur as bereaved parents begin to flounder for the reasons for their child’s death. During this process, many parents blame themselves by thinking that something they did, or neglected to do, may have in some way contributed to the child’s death. Mothers of infants who die of various causes may feel guilty for not protecting their child during pregnancy or may feel their body failed the infant.

Parents of children with a health problem may feel guilty because they think they might have detected the symptoms of the illness earlier or because they signed the operative permit giving their approval for the surgery from which the child did not survive. When the death was caused by an accident or suicide, parents often feel guilty because they were not somehow aware of what was going to happen and did not prevent it.

Since parental guilt feelings are often closely related to the cause of death, it is vitally important that parents have a good grasp of the cause of their child’s death. If this is unknown, or if there are still unanswered questions, parents should contact someone who can help them find the answers.

Guilt also floods parents in other ways. Parents often begin thinking of all kinds of things they wish they had done differently with or for their child. For example, a father may experience guilt because of feelings that he didn’t spend enough time with the child. A mother may feel guilty because she had gone back to work. Sometimes parents feel guilty because they did not take the child to a requested activity or did not buy the child some desired object. I felt guilty because I was not there when Tony drowned while cleaning our pool. I had irrational thoughts that if I had been home, instead of away for work, somehow, I might have prevented his death. My husband felt guilty for asking Tony to clean the pool. My daughter felt guilty as she was home but not outside at the pool when he drowned. The coroner indicated his drowning was due to a “heart event” but none of us felt any less guilty originally though now we all understand nothing could have saved him in or out of the water.

Sometimes parents blame themselves when they enabled something linked to the child’s death such as purchasing the car in which the accident occurred, giving permission to go out with a friend who was driving, or owning a gun involved in a child’s death. Feeling one was not a good enough parent is also common.

When there has been a conflicted parent-child relationship or a child exhibited difficult behavioral issues, guilt can be particularly profound. Guilt may occur when parents feel some sense of relief that the conflict or behavioral issue no longer must be worried about. Some experience guilt feelings as they believe the child’s death was a punishment for their own past transgressions such as a pregnancy before marriage, a past abortion, extramarital affairs, or even poor attendance at church.

Guilt can even emerge when older children have moved away from home, often times causing communication to falter as the child moves into a new stage in life with new friends and, possibly, even a new family. Even knowing that the causes for any feelings of guilt are irrational or not based on reality does not make the feelings any less intense.

Guilt feelings are difficult to share. However, it is helpful for grieving parents to find someone with whom they can share these feelings, especially if the guilt feelings are intense and prolonged. Bereaved parents also should try to learn to forgive themselves so they are not haunted by the guilt.

Guilt and regret are common emotions of grief. By openly sharing feelings of guilt and regret with others who understand your loss, you may come to a better understanding and ability to live with your child’s death.

Anger is another common reaction. Parents may feel angry toward the health care team for not saving their child or for poor communication that left the parent confused and unsupported. Parents of teens and adults who died under circumstances in which their friends’ behavior and lifestyles contributed to the death may fuel anger toward the child or the child’s friends. Although difficult to express when a child dies by suicide, parents may feel anger toward the child for not sharing their emotional state, for not seeking help, or for they themselves believing they should have seen signs. Some may feel anger towards friends who have children and the friends having the good fortune to be able to watch them grow older and reach particular milestones such as graduation or marriage.

A mother who has a miscarriage, stillbirth, or whose infant dies of a birth defect or acute illness can feel anger towards friends or relatives who continued risky behavior during pregnancy, such as smoking or drinking, and still gave birth to a normal infant. It is not uncommon to feel anger toward others in society, especially friends and family members who do not acknowledge the child, or who discount parental grief responses and go on as if the child’s death did not happen. Couples who experience a miscarriage may experience their grief all alone, as few people may have known of the pregnancy loss.

Parents of infants often hear, “You are lucky! You can have another baby.” If a child was sick, they may hear: “He is better off now.” Parents of teens or young adults may hear remarks such as, “You should be grateful for the time you had.” Though extremely difficult, try to hear the person’s intention in what they say. Even though things said may be insensitive and even hurtful, they are not said to try and inflict additional hurt but rather to try and console. It is just that unless you have lost a child yourself, you have no idea that these phrases are hurtful rather than helpful. One of the most devastating comments said to me was actually a question. The individual was a relative and sheepishly asked, “Couldn’t you have afforded to have someone else clean your pool?” Anger is not always a necessarily bad emotion or expressed in negative ways. Many bereaved parents have directed their anger in positive ways, by working to change laws, build foundations, raise money, fund scholarships, and other avenues serving as a catalyst for positive change.

Death of a child may shatter parental beliefs and assumptions about the world and cause stress. Initially, I did not want to leave the house. I did not feel safe in the outside world as I feared something else terrible would happen. I then did not feel comfortable staying at home so near the pool where Tony drowned. Looking back, I realize it was that my world had been shattered and I could no longer make the same assumptions about my family’s well-being that I had previously.

Some parents have questions about religious beliefs. Sometimes this causes anger toward God or a higher spiritual being. This can be confusing, difficult to accept, and a source of guilt or anxiety. Yet, questions and confusion about spirituality and life in general is a common and normal response. With support and time, the resulting feelings can usually be resolved. However, if anger toward God, confusion over religious beliefs, and loss of meaning persist, parents should try to share them with a trusted person, particularly an understanding clergy or member of your religious community.

Feelings of anger can be difficult to deal with because the reasons for that anger may be hard to express and share because they are often not socially acceptable. Anger that is not expressed may lead to a general feeling of irritability that is hard to understand and very hard to shake. A father may become grouchy at work or with surviving children. A mother may find herself shouting at her husband or at a friend. As with guilt, it is important to be able to talk about anger issues with someone who cares and understands. Parents have reported finding relief from their anger by such behavioral responses as throwing eggs at a tree or finding a private place to scream.

When I returned to work, I already knew I had a much, much shorter temper than I had previously. Knowing this, I warned by co-workers and employees. I told them that I was angry and short tempered but it was not against them personally. I then asked them to help me know when I became this way. I had them simply ask, “Debbie, do you need more coffee?” Whenever they asked me this question, it was my hint to know I needed to step away and give myself the time and space to rebalance my feelings.

Fear or generalized anxiety could be a manifestation of grief. This sometimes stems from a deep concern that something else terrible and devastating is going to happen. It leaves one feeling even more vulnerable. Fear can be particularly intense when a child has died suddenly, tragically, or unexpectedly as in SIDS, a vehicular accident, homicide, or suicide.

Fear can lead to lingering doubts about the safety of other children, a spouse, or, in the case of a subsequent pregnancy, the next baby. If such fear persists, parent can become overprotective towards children, interfering with their children forming external relationships and their social development. Facing feelings of fear can be helped by journaling or sharing these feelings with others. This can help gain insight into the sources of fear and anxiety and one’s resultant behavioral responses.

I did not journal everyday but I did journal from time to time. I found it very helpful to write down what I was feeling. This not only helped me in the moment, but also helped when I picked up the journal to write again. Often on this grief journey, we look ahead and think of what we are no longer able to do that we had previously been able to. What I would forget is how far I had actually come in my journey. When looking at past writings, it reminded me of the success and improvement made rather than just looking ahead to what I still could not achieve.

Emptiness and Loneliness

Ongoing intense feelings of EMPTINESS are perhaps some of the most difficult experiences for parents. Many have reported feeling empty, dead inside, almost as if a part of them died, too. One mother described this feeling poignantly, “A child is a part of you in a way that no other human being can ever be. When my child died, a part of me died with him.”

Another emotion is LONELINESS and a deep aching desire to hold and touch their child again. For a long time, parents may find themselves preoccupied with thinking about their child and how they died. Some are haunted by the memory of the child at the time of death or during an acute illness. With a sudden violent death, parents may be haunted by visions of how the death happened or the last moments their child was alive, whether the parent was present or not.

It seemed for months that every second of every day, I thought of Tony’s drowning. I wondered feverishly if he suffered or was aware that he was drowning. I would go to sleep at night with this my last thoughts and awaken with it my first thoughts. It was exhausting. After many months, I thought of his death less and more of his life.

At times, it may feel as if your child is still around. Some say they think for a moment that they hear their child cry, see their child in a crowd, or feel their child’s presence in the room. When a child was chronically ill, parents may feel a deep void when their caregiving role has stopped. They may automatically get up at night to check on their child or to give a medication, only to be suddenly faced with the reality of the death all over again.

For a long while, I would hear the front door open and immediately think, “That must be Tony coming in” only for reality to sink in that he was forever gone. It was very difficult for my oldest son who lived in another state. For him, he only saw Tony when he and his family would come home for a visit. It took much longer for Tony’s death to sink in with him.

Some suddenly feel a sense of panic when they feel they can no longer remember things about their child and desperately attempt to recall the child’s appearance, voice, or behavior. One of my biggest fears as Tony’s mother was that I would forget him say, “Hey mama,” the way he often greeted me when coming into the same room. On the other hand, as a way of coping with painful memories and the pain of grief, some may try to escape triggers of memories by avoiding places that evoke particular memories or by not talking about their child.

It is impossible to completely escape these triggers. Parents will often encounter reminders of their child such as a favorite song or TV program. When parents see a child the same age, there may be an intense desire to hold and touch that child and, at the same time, a desire to run away to avoid being near the child. Events like entering first grade, graduation from high school or college, and marriages of their child’s friends are very difficult.

It is important to know that all of these feelings are normal, unless exaggerated or prolonged. In time, you will think about your child’s life first rather than their death. These thoughts someday will bring you more happiness and less pain, allowing you to treasure your child’s life, no matter how long or how short lived. Some ways of moving to this point in your grief journey is to include finding family and friends willing to share stories and memories, continuing special rituals on birthdays and anniversaries, making scrapbooks, and starting to journal. Memorials to the child, such as a tree planting or creating a scholarship fund, have helped many parents.

Sadness and Depression

As a result of this struggle to come to grips with the inner feelings that result from the loss of a child, parents who experience deep SADNESS and DEPRESSION often confuse the two. There will be periods of feeling blue and unhappy, preoccupation with sad thoughts, fatigue, and bouts of confusion. Most grieving people do have a period when they feel disorganized and find it difficult to concentrate on tasks or to keep up with work. Parents may find that their usual household tasks pile up and the other children’s’ needs seem almost to go unmet. If parents work outside of the home, they may find it difficult to manage the demands of their jobs.

Prolonged sadness and depression may lead to subtle bodily distress and physical symptoms. It is not unusual for a grieving parent to have difficulty sleeping, to have a diminished appetite, to become easily fatigued or to develop frequent headaches. Sexual interest may be greatly diminished or impotence may occur. Medical problems such as ulcers, allergies, or blood pressure elevations may appear.

In order to cope with the difficult emotional feelings and the nagging physical symptoms, some may turn to the use of drugs or alcohol to help shut out the pain. Although medications prescribed by a doctor may allow one to feel “better” in the short run or help one sleep better at night, they may mask the pain of grief and diminish the process of working through the sorrow. Buried sorrow can cause problems in future years.

Alcohol, an even more accessible mask, may be tried to ease the pain. Alcohol, however, can increase depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, digestive disorders, and problems with concentration. Be cautious as the use of either drugs or alcohol can become addictive and lead to serious problems that affect every aspect of one’s life. Bereaved parents who find themselves overusing or dependent on alcohol or drugs need to find help through a doctor, clinic, or self-help group.

Grieving parents coping with this deep sadness or depression should seek someone who will listen to their feelings and experiences. If you are that someone, it is important to know that it is just as helpful to listen silently than to try and offer any words of advice. Such a person is a gift. However, if depressive symptoms continue and impact work and family life, if sleep problems persist, if a parent starts to feel devalued and worthless, or if plans to carry-out suicide prevail, it is critical to seek professional counseling.

Fears About Going Crazy

Because of the many reactions caused by grief—loneliness, anger, guilt, fear, deep sadness and depression, and disorganization—some parents may begin to think what they are feeling is abnormal and have FEARS ABOUT GOING CRAZY . However, it is not uncommon to have these feelings, which usually lessen over time.

It is important to have someone to share and discuss their grief and pain with. Since grief and depression are discomforting, both to the grievers and those around them, some may try to deny or mask their feelings. Society tends to give grieving persons the impression that strength consists of covering up painful feelings. “Look how well she is taking it,” is often said about someone who is likely suffering quietly and hurting deeply inside.

Some parents may have a more difficult time during the grief process following the death of a child requiring professional help. Some signs of problems resulting from inadequate processing of grief could include

• inability to cry,
• ineffective in expressing feelings of sorrow,
• unable to talk about their deceased child,
• prolonged deep depression,
• poor self-esteem,
• persistent guilt,
• excessive anger, or
• exaggeration of any of the other normal grief responses.

If there is no one to share feelings and experiences with or you are worried about the intensity or duration of grief, it may be helpful to find and talk with a counselor, nurse, doctor, minister, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other professional.

Almost every bereaved parent will experience thoughts of not wanting to wake up or to not go on with life, but these should not be persistent thoughts or accompanied with a plan of suicide. If these escalate, professional help is critically important. Suicide is never the answer to eliminating the pain and hopelessness felt after a child dies. Suicide leaves behind another trail of tears for family and friends, preventing any opportunity to have a positive impact on others on the same grief journey or to honor your child’s memory.

Decision Making

Grieving parents may find DECISION MAKING difficult, even if only simple decisions. One major decision which all seem to struggle with when their child was young or not married is what to do with their belongings whether it be toys, clothing, furniture, car, or any other possessions. Some feel they are pressured to quickly remove these items from the home. For some, their child’s possessions may cause too much pain and are stored or given away soon after the death. Many parents, however, have reported that seeing the child’s belongings helped them face the reality of their loss and helped them grieve. Sometime later, some of these items became important memories of their child to hold onto.

There is no correct length of time to decide on what to do with your child’s belongings. For myself, it was very emotional when someone else drove Tony’s car away. After that initial experience, we knew we were not “ready” to go through or part with anything else. Months later, we gradually started to go through things. When we did, it was still tearful but it also brought much joy to see some of the items he was most proud of or to read some of the things he had written. We now refer to things we continue to find as “gold nuggets”.

Some have found it meaningful to donate some of their child’s clothing and possessions to a pediatric ward, homeless shelter, or other charity. What is important, however, is that your child’s room and possessions do not become a museum or shrine which can never be changed or moved. If this happens, it may be an indication that there is a need for professional help to support facing the loss more realistically.

Eventually, we changed Tony’s bedroom. We wanted to do something very special with it rather than just turning it into another bedroom. We made a special room, almost a magical room, for our grandchildren when they visited. Tony was very much a dreamer and loved outer space. Instead of referring to it as Tony’s room, we started to call it the “Dream Room”. We also decorated with items dealing with outer space.

While some parents find decisions difficult to make, it is also possible to begin making decisions impulsively and without foresight and planning. The attitude is often, “What do I have to lose?” Thus, important decisions, such as moving, should be made carefully and with deliberate thought and planning. The needs of all family members and the long-term effects of all decisions should be carefully considered.

One of the biggest decisions parents of childbearing age face is often whether to have another child. There can be an intense desire to fill the emptiness created. However, no child can ever replace another child. Sometimes parents have conflicts because one parent wants another child, while the other does not. If this occurs, the couple may need to talk over the problem with a skilled professional. Once the decision is made to have another child, the couple may experience difficulty in getting pregnant because of tensions and anxieties. It is helpful if the couple shares the story of their loss and subsequent grief with health care providers.

Though difficult to imagine if your loss is recent, another big decision for parents is realizing that it is okay to be happy again and that it is okay to laugh. It is not easy and may even evoke feelings of guilt when the first laughter sneaks back into your life. Though difficult, it is important to know that just because you laugh or you experience happiness again, it is not a betrayal to the child that died but rather a tribute to them that they lived, especially when the laughter is from a memory they created.

Time Frame for Grief

Grieving the death of a child is a lifelong journey. You learn to live with the grief. I liken my grief journey to going on a hike with a backpack. Initially, when I put on the backpack loaded with water and supplies for the day, it feels so very, very heavy and I wonder how I will ever make it carrying that pack. However, after some time of walking with the backpack, it still weighs the same but I become more accustomed to carrying it. I learn how it is most comfortable to carry and adjust along the way.

Carrying the loss of my son, Tony, is much the same way. It is a heavy burden to carry the loss of a child with you for the rest of your life. It never goes away and you really cannot just set it aside. You will learn how to carry it that it is not as heavy when you first started. You will not forever continue to the daily, agonizing pain you feel in the first months and years.

The time frame for grief cannot be tightly defined. There are marked differences among individuals, even between a mother and father. There are many ups and downs. One day or week, a grieving parent may feel better and think the difficult times are behind. However, some minor experience can suddenly cause sharp, piercing pain. Over time, the good days out-number the bad ones.

Parents can become involved with life activities fully and can see options and possibilities for the future. Happy and constructive memories can be remembered and discussed with painful memories less prominent. Still, these bursts of grief pain can be just as intense decades later although they do not occur as often.

Special dates such as your child’s birthday, major holidays, and the anniversary of your child’s death can trigger these periods of pain. Likewise, events that the child missed such as high school or college graduation and marriage can be difficult. It is extremely important for grieving parents to be patient with themselves and with their spouse when the bad days come. Gradually, over time, the grief softens, the backpack seems a little lighter, and you can enjoy life again.

Even though others will expect and yearn for you to “be your old self again,” it will not happen. We are forever changed. We find our “new normal”. We are not forever sad but it is impossible to be the person we were before this profound loss. On the positive side, a tragic loss such as ours over time can give rise to renewed meaning and personal growth. Many have refocused their lives, becoming a better person, developing clearer spiritual beliefs, and finding important ways to contribute to society.

Grieving is a Family Affair

The death of a child affects everyone in the family in similar but yet different ways. It is important to remember that everyone grieves but does not express their grief the same. You will likely find that your family members exhibit feelings of loss in a variety of ways.

Even though we are keenly aware of the experience of our loss as parents, it is important to remember that if you have other children, they too suffer a unique loss of their own. It is ironic that there are countless books on preparing a child for accepting a new baby brother or baby sister but you will find little on the death of a brother or a sister.

Siblings are often referred to as the forgotten mourners. Siblings lose their brother or sister but also lose the parents that once were. If your other children are older, they are often asked how you or the other parent are doing rather than being asked how they are doing.

Grandparents suffer as well. Grandparents often set their grief aside to help the parents, brothers, and sisters of the family. If you are fortunate enough to still have your parents, remember that they grieve too. The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to provide support not only to parents but to also support siblings and grandparents.

Grief, Communication, and Marriage

In couples, fathers and mothers may find they express their grief differently than each other. Men, in our society, have often been programmed from early childhood not to show feelings; thus, some fathers may tend to hide their feelings or have difficulty talking about their child. Fathers may also hide their feelings because they have been led to believe that they must “act strong” for the sake of their spouse who is grieving deeply.

In addition, fathers are often not shown the same kind of support from friends and relatives that is given to the mother. One father complained bitterly that whenever he ran into a friend or relative they asked how his wife was doing and totally avoided asking how he was doing. The resultant bottled-up feelings may lead to physical symptoms or behavioral change such as extreme irritability or bossy, demanding comments.

Mothers often grieve more openly. They need to talk frequently about their child, about the circumstances of the death, and about their feelings. Too, their deep grief responses may continue for a long period after death, whereas fathers may be forced to move forward faster. It’s not unusual that a mother may share most of her pain with the child’s father. This may be difficult for some fathers. If the father cannot face his wife’s expression of pain, he may begin to avoid discussions or stay away from home. The mother, on the other hand, may begin to think that her husband doesn’t really care about the child or about her when he refuses to listen to her or to talk about the death. In addition, both the mother and father may become irritable which also affects their relationship with each other.

Initially, I assumed what was comforting for me would be comforting for my husband as well. I scrambled to find every picture we had of Tony. I wanted to make sure they were put together and stored safely. I wanted to look intently at each picture as if reaffirming my memories, I would cherish forever. I wanted my husband to do this with me. After a few tense weekends, I learned he could not handle looking at pictures where looking at pictures provided me comfort. Since our ability to share feelings is not gender related but based on many variables including our personalities and experiences with feelings as a child, these stereotypical views of grief should not be considered cast in stone. Mothers may have difficulty in expressing their pain and fathers may be the more open and verbal of the couple. Sometimes both parents may feel it is important to appear “strong” so as not to upset the other person or the rest of the family. It may be difficult to face and share these very personal and painful feelings even with each other.

Sharing the pain is an important aspect of grief work and is vitally important in maintaining the relationship. It is important during these difficult periods for couples to keep open the lines of communication, even though communication when under stress is very difficult. To keep the communication open and to restore a feeling of closeness, parents may need to plan times to be together—alone. A night out for dinner or a weekend away from the family may be necessary. Communication with one’s spouse also involves developing an understanding of what he or she is experiencing or may need to communicate. Talking to a professional or to other bereaved parents may help to enhance communication if there are problems.

Many professionals have heard, believe, and repeat that 70-90 percent of marriages fail after a child dies. Studies have proven this a myth . In actuality, a very low rate of marriages fail after a child dies. Generally, these marriages were in trouble before the child died. When a couple has had a child die, it is reassuring to know that it is rare for them to face the additional stress of a failed marriage. Marriages survive because the life of the child—and the death of the child—was a shared experience. Those memories can never be shared and remembered in the same way with any other person.

Issues for Parents of Adult Children who Die

Parents of adult children who die may feel that their grief is discounted because society views their child as an adult and not really a child. At any age, facing the reality that a child has died before the parent and living without the child is difficult. If the child was married and left behind a spouse and children, the focus of support and concern often goes to them with limited support to the parents or grandparents. On the other hand, the presence of the spouse and especially grandchildren can be extremely comforting.

Parents of married children may be comforted by having involvement in the planning of the funeral and burial arrangements. However, exclusion from these decisions and plans by the remaining spouse, can be a very painful loss as well.

Parents of single adults are immediately plunged into dealing with authorities, arranging the funeral and burial, and cleaning out the belongings while also still in a stage of shock and acute distress. Cleaning out the belongings is a reminder of the child’s daily life, furthering the deep feelings of loss. Too, often the dwelling needs to be vacated quickly to reduce hefty rental or mortgage payments.

Another burden for these parents is managing the finances and estate of an unmarried child. This sometimes can involve legal complexities if the adult child did not leave clear direction such as power of attorney or a will. If the child was married and the spouse also died, as can happen in a vehicular accident, the complications can be overwhelming. These legal demands are immediate and cannot wait until the initial emotional trauma has subsided.

Grandparents Grief

When a child dies, whether a baby, a child, or an adult child, there may also be grandparents who also grieve. Grandparents experience the same feelings of grief as parents, albeit the loss is a different experience. It is particularly difficult for grandparents to experience a grandchild’s death when they feel their lives have been lived fully but the child’s life was severed prematurely. Especially when an adult child has died, the grandparents’ feelings of loss and grief are often not acknowledged. As a result, grandparents may not get the support they need. Too, some elderly adults do not easily share their feelings with others, even their own children.

Parents who lose an adult child may also be grandparents if their child had children. It can be very comforting to feel that one’s child is living on through their own children. However, complications can occur if for some reason the adult child’s spouse, the remaining parent of the grandchildren, severs relationships with the grandparents and cuts off visitation between the children and grandchildren after the death. Not only is this another huge loss for the grandparents but also for the grandchildren who have already lost a parent. At the time of such a profound loss for everyone, it is important to pull together rather than splintering apart. Grandparents may have to assume the legal guardianship of the children left behind. Though done with love, taking on parenting roles can be an emotional, physical, and a financial burden for grandparents, especially while also mourning the loss of their own child.

Children Grieve Too

The death of a sibling or a parent is upsetting to the children in a family. It is easy for adults to overlook the needs of the siblings or playmates when a child has died. Parents and grandparents may be so involved in their own pain and grief, and the demands of making plans after the death, that it is hard to help someone else. Some parents think they are protecting their children from the reality of death and the resultant pain by not talking about it. Others may be unclear or uncomfortable about how to talk to the other siblings. Parents of young siblings may mistakenly think they are too young to understand or that the death had no impact on them. As a result, children may receive incomplete information about what happened to the child and lack needed support in understanding death and grief.

There is no way of protecting children from the fact of the death and the resultant distress and grief of the parents and other family members. Children are astute observers of behavior, especially the behavior of their parents. They need to know why parents are behaving so differently now. Children do notice the grief and depression of adults around them. Some of the tears, grief, and pain of the parents should be shared with them and they need opportunities, when ready, to share their own sad and often times scary feelings. They need to grieve with the family by being given opportunities to be involved in funeral and grieving rituals. The impact of death and the way children respond to the loss of a sibling depends on many factors such as their age and developmental level, the relationship they had with the child who died, the relationship with their parents, their previous preparation for the experience of death, and their observations of parental grief reactions.

One of the main challenges confronting adults is how to explain death to surviving children. Explaining death to children forces one to come to terms with the finality of death themselves. This is not easy. Children need to have an understanding of physical death. The correct terms, “dead,” “death,” and “died,” should be used when discussing the situation—never suggesting that the child is sleeping. Even though young children don’t know what the words mean, they will eventually develop an understanding. Death as a physical event can best be discussed as part of the cycle of nature. “Dead means not alive anymore. It’s like the leaves on the trees in the winter or flowers that die. Life is over. The body doesn’t work anymore. It doesn’t move or hear or breathe or feel pain or sleep or need to eat. It just stops.” A clear simple explanation should also be given to each child about the cause of death. It should be geared to the developmental level of the child and may need to be repeated several times. It is important to reassure them that they did nothing to cause the death. They also need to be assured about the normality of their body so they are not scared they, too, may die.

The religious or philosophical explanation of death involves helping children understand their family’s beliefs about life and about death. Some families have deep and clear religious beliefs about the continuation of the soul after death, while others may focus more on the memory the child has left behind and ongoing love that continues. Parents need to share with and help children understand an outlook on life and death which they really believe. Children are sensitive to dishonesty in parents. Remember when discussing religious beliefs with children that abstract concepts are very difficult for young children to grasp. Young children can understand mostly what they can see and feel. They will want to know in concrete terms where God and Heaven are located. It may be many years before they can understand abstract religious concepts.

Children have different ways of coming to grips with the full meaning of death. Some of them will ask many questions while other children may mull over things quietly for a long time. Questions should be openly and honestly answered with simple, brief explanations. Sometimes the real questions will be disguised. Find out what the child is really asking: “I’m not sure what you mean, can you explain a little?” Through the years children may continue to ask questions about death. As they grow and mature, they will try to master the full meaning of the death. It is not abnormal if they suddenly ask question six months, a year, or even two years later. Their questions may come in the most unexpected time and place. Maintaining an open and honest communication system between the parent and children, although difficult, will be rewarding in the long run.

Like parents, children grieve too! Sometimes children feel guilty about bad feelings they had toward the new baby or the child who died. Young children may mistakenly believe that a bad thought could have somehow contributed to the death. Fighting and disagreements are a normal experience between siblings, yet the surviving sibling may feel guilty about their actions. Fear in children usually involves fear of separation, that they too could become separated from their parents.

Children often work out their feelings through behavior. Young children may use play activities to help them understand or express feelings. Playing dead or acting out funeral scenes is not uncommon. Some children also draw or paint sad pictures. All of these play activities help the child gradually understand and cope with the death. Some children may become boisterous and noisy, may laugh a lot more than usual, and may even become hyperactive for a time. Some of the behavior of children is aimed at getting the attention of parents because they desperately want to know their parents understand them and care about them. Older siblings, especially teens, may hide their grief but exhibit their pain through depressive symptoms, behavioral outbursts, and lowered school grades. The inability to concentrate and loss of organizational skills happens to children too. Teachers need to be alerted to the child’s loss and grief.

Parents may become distressed because it appears to them that the siblings have adjusted too quickly, grieved too little, or appeared totally unaffected by the death. Children have difficulty knowing how to express their grief and may handle their confusion by trying to get back to their own business of living. They may also be hesitant to speak of their brother or sister or to express their feelings for fear of upsetting their parents even more. Like adults, children may also try to deny the reality of the death and pretend it didn’t happen. When this occurs, the child may experience a delayed reaction several weeks, months, or even years later. The reaction may occur at the time of another significant loss. Often times teens are more likely to seek a listening ear from classmates than from their own parents. Not talking about the loss with parents is not an indication they are not grieving. Lastly, sometimes young children do not have the vocabulary necessary to explain their feelings. It may take several years before the experience can be put into words.

Parents may be having a difficult time coping with the behavioral changes, demands, and needs of the siblings as they are absorbed in their own grief and have little energy to help others. Sometimes, after a long illness and subsequent death of a child, parents may feel that their relationships with the remaining children seem less intense than the relationship they shared with the dead child. They may fear that they have lost their ability to love. This is a normal and temporary part of grief. When this happens, parents should allow other sensitive relatives or friends to spend extra time with the siblings so their needs are met. On the other hand, with sudden, tragic death, parents may feel the need to protect and cling to the remaining siblings. This, too, is often temporary but if it persists, the parent should seek counseling.

It is very helpful to arrange to spend periods of time alone with each child, as this will create better opportunities for communication and understanding. Too, children need to resume normal life activities as soon as possible. Creating special activities and time as a family helps to reinforce a feeling of family closeness during this time of stress. All children who experience a significant death in their family or among friends need parents, or at least another adult, who will listen to their questions and concerns. They need you, or at least another adult, to tell them the truth about the death in simple, understandable terms. Be open to accepting their feelings and behavioral reactions. Consciously provide opportunities for them to talk, when ready. Allow them to resume life and activities, while reassuring them frequently of your love and understanding.

Finding Help

Talking about and sharing grief in some way with others is helpful. Many parents feel others just do not understand child loss. I, along with many others, have found it helpful to talk with and share my story and grief with other bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings. Support groups such as The Compassionate Friends offer opportunities to meet and share with others who have had similar losses.

There also are support groups specifically for helping parents who experienced a perinatal or neonatal death. Many support groups are parent-led, but there are also grief support or therapy groups led by psychologists or health care professionals. You may find these sponsored by a local hospice or palliative care program at a hospital. To identify support groups in your community, contact a grief specialist from the local hospital or hospice program or, in most communities, call 211.

Parents who find they are having a particularly difficult time during the grief process may need professional help. This includes severe grief responses that are prolonged such as continued deep sadness or depression; persistent anger, guilt, or anxiety; continued thoughts of ending one’s life; serious communication problems in the family; or an inability to get back to some semblance of normality in work and life activities. If a grieving parent is worried about the intensity or duration of his or her own grief or that of the spouse, professional help should be sought from a counselor, nurse, doctor, minister, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other qualified professional.

Parents inevitably go through an intensive search for meaning in the tragic death of a child. This search often involves trying to find the answer to the questions “why?” or “why my child?” or “why me?” The search for meaning can be never-ending when parents think they must find a true answer to the unanswerable. It takes significant time to incorporate the death of your child into your life. Sometimes you’ll find that as you grow through your grief, positive changes do occur as life becomes bearable and, again, meaningful. Remember that through it all, you “Need Not Walk Alone”.

About The Compassionate Friends, Inc.

The Compassionate Friends offers friendship, understanding, and hope to families grieving the death of a child at any age from any cause. With more than 500 chapters and more than 40 private Facebook pages, it remains the largest self-help bereavement support organization in the U.S. Local chapters offer monthly, peer-to-peer support meetings. Often special events for bereaved families such as a Walk to Remember, a butterfly release, or lantern launch are planned to allow the families to celebrate the lives of all the children gone too soon. These local chapters also often publish periodic chapter newsletters, maintain a website, or host a Facebook page. Chapters can be found by going to the chapter locator on the national website and simply inputting your zip code.

The Compassionate Friends also has an Online Support Community of a variety of closed Facebook pages and also chat rooms occurring daily. Additional information can be found on the national website at www.compassionatefriends.org . By going to the website, you can request a packet of information to be emailed or mailed to you or a friend. Additionally, there are more than three dozen grief related brochures, and an award-winning, online magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone .

The Compassionate Friends also hosts the Worldwide Candle Lighting the second Sunday in December, officially at 7 p.m. local time around the globe, creating a wave of light in memory of all children who have gone too soon.

The organization also hosts a national conference around the country annually where bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents gather together to learn from each other. The Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember® is held the final day of the national conference.

For more information, call The Compassionate Friends at 877-969-0010 or visit www.compassionatefriends.org.

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The Loss of a Child

Surviving emotionally.

Posted June 7, 2017

• Understanding Grief
• Find a therapist to heal from grief

To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.

~ Dr. Burton Grebin

There is no greater grief than when a parent loses a child. As a person, I had never truly experienced such a gut-wrenching heartache, until the day that my wife and I lost a child. As a psychologist, some may think that I am trained to have “all the known answers,” but the truth is, there are no answers, quick fixes, or remedies to mend the heartbreak around the loss of a child.

The loss of a child is an inconceivable and an unimaginable experience. While my wife and I never had an opportunity to get to know our child by physical touch, perception, or smell; we had already bonded with our developing child.

MY DAUGHTER’S HEARTACHE

The day that we were told that our child had passed on was the most egregious experience of my life. On this very day, not only had I lost my child, but my precious and tendered hearted Delilah experienced the loss of a sibling . At the time, my daughter was a mere five years of age, but her cry and her mournful spirit penetrated the very nature of my being. At that moment, I recognized not only the impact that this loss had on myself, my loving wife, but the dire impact that it had on my precious daughter. For me, the loss was like an ocean of emotions consuming my person, but it was further deepened by witnessing the breach of my daughter’s innocence. It was the tenderness of my daughter’s cry that pierced my heart and my soul. It was like I had experienced yet a second loss, a loss of my precious daughter’s innocence and my inability to protect her from harm, that broke my spirit.

MY LOVE’S PAIN

Generally women are more expressive about their loss, and more likely to seek support from others. Men may be more action-oriented, tend to gather facts and problem solve, and therefore often do not choose to participate in support networks that consist of sharing feelings. This does not mean he is not grieving. Often men bury themselves in work when they are grieving.

~ American Pregnancy Association

The day that the love of my life and I lost our child, was one of the most heartbreaking experiences within the context of our relationship. My wife, my love and my best-friend was devastated, and I felt helpless, without an ability to provide complete comfort. I knew that I was incapable of offering a word of resolve, comfort, or absolution. Nor could I provide a word that would erase the painful memories from her mind and soul.

I felt broken, dismayed, and guilty that I was incapable of protecting my family from this egregious experience. Naturally, my wife was conveying feelings of regret, blame, shame and guilt over the loss of our child. Despite all of my formal education in psychology, I felt at a loss, and puzzled how to proceed. While I am formally trained as a psychologist, I realized long ago that my humanhood remains a vital part of my person. Clinicians are expected to remain professional in “all” circumstances and events, but the truth is, we are human too.

THE LOSS OF A CHILD FROM A FATHER’S PERSPECTIVE

When a woman miscarries, the experience of the father is often forgotten. But men grieve pregnancy loss too...

~ Author Unknown

The loss of my child broke my spirit. I do not feel that I have ever weeped so deeply or so intensely. While my wife and I never had an opportunity to celebrate the birth of our child, our loss was just as profound and genuine as the loss of a birthed child.

As a father and a husband, I felt incapable of protecting both my daughter and the love of my life. I felt such an emptiness and hollowness, that even to this day I am incapable of fully expressing the loss of my precious child.

“Men are often relegated to a supporting role during pregnancy loss. The focus usually falls on the mother—her physical and emotional needs, her experience, her recovery. But fathers are deeply affected by pregnancy loss.” (Czukas, 2014) As a clinician, I had no real idea or fathomable comprehension of the authentic pain that occurs when one losses a child. The loss of a child burrows deep into your soul. As a father, I personally felt my emotions and feelings had been dismissed by my friends, family, and my professional associates. I am not an attention seeker, but in my time of need, I felt abandoned and as though the urgency of my pain was unimportant. As a clinician, I had heard these words, but it was not until I had this experience, was I capable of completely understanding the pain associated with the loss of a child.

WELL MEANING WORDS AND UNTIMELY STATEMENTS

Losing a child is unspeakably painful, so finding the right words to say to those grieving can be difficult.

~ Kira Brekke

The day of our loss, brought with it many well intended words. Many of the words brought warmth and comfort, while others fell sadly short. Have you ever experienced words of comfort and condolences? Did you feel that the individual offering the sympathetic expressions were authentic in his or her communication? Many well-meaning words often fall short of their intended target or message. While the words may be sincere, the message of sincerity may have had a shortfall.

As humans, we have all encountered, or at least witnessed, someone receiving words of comfort. We ourselves may have been the individual responsible for offering the supportive communication. The words may have been met with acceptance or rejection, but either way, you felt compelled to share your heart. Speaking words of comfort is a balancing act teetering on empathetic and sympathetic. While empathetic words are an ability to understand and share the feelings of another; sympathetic words are frequently met with pity and sorrow for another.

Unfortunately, sincerity is not always the best approach to helping someone deal with personal loss. In some cases, a silent word, a warm embrace or the simple knowledge that you are present is the best approach to offering comfort. Even if our words of comfort and condolences were a sincere attempt to provide an expression of sympathy, we may have missed the target of being empathetic. It is extremely important that our words are always balanced with sincerity and empathy.

My wife and I experienced a variety of communications. In some cases, the words were thoughtful and encouraging, while a few words were unfavorable. Either way, my wife and I were encouraged by the willingness of others to connect with us during our time of heartache.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear .

~ C. S. Lewis

Loss has no friend, no allies, no benefit to the human spirit. The loss of a child exploits the emotions of each individual it encounters. “Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who died. It doesn't mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. Grief can also vary greatly depending upon how the child died. While some losses are less visible, such as miscarriage , other experiences of loss are more traumatic , such as an accident, illness, murder or death during war.” (Weiss, 2014)

The loss of a child is a heart wrenching experience. If you have encountered such a loss, you will relate to the fact that no words bring complete comfort to the pain that lies dormant within the interior of your heart. The loss of a child is liken a scar, while the wound has already occurred, the scar remains with you throughout the entirety of your life.

Unfortunately, in some families the loss of a child will not be the only loss experienced. For some parents, the indescribable pain is too much for the couple to endure, thus leading to ultimate demise of their relationship.

As an individual, you are entitled to your time of grief, process of grief, and right to grieve. You should not be forced to call an end to your grief. The grieving process should have no timelines or guidelines. It is seldom that two individuals grieve identically. The process of grief and loss is as unique as your personal DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid); no two individuals will have the same experiences or relationship to grief. Most importantly, it is of critical importance that you be allowed to grieve and process the loss of your child.

NORMAL GRIEF REACTIONS

Unfortunately, there is no expiration date on grief.

~ Elizabeth Czukas

The process of grieving any loss is dependent upon your relationship to the person. However, the age of the individual whose life was cut short will often effect your perspective on the loss. The reactions to grief will vary as does the process of grief and loss. The following grief and loss reactions are some of the most common, but not an absolute measure or determination of one’s reactions to grief and loss.

• Do not be dismayed if you cannot concentrate.
• You may feel sudden and uncontrollable emotions.
• It is very common for those who have experienced loss to feel as they are “going crazy.”
• Do not feel bad if you are experiencing elevated feelings of anxiousness or stress .
• As a parent, you may feel a extreme remorse and guilt over outliving your child.
• You may, and most certainly will experience, times of lethargy (fatigue, a lack of energy and personal motivation ).
• For many parents, you may feel misunderstood, or that your grieving process lacks empathy.
• Parents often have a strong desire to escape.
• You may feel as though you are an alien, living isolated from your known world.
• For many parents, the rejection or questioning of one’s faith and spiritual belief system may occur.
• Parents often feel bitterness towards the medical and scientific communities.
• It is very common to have dreams that your loss was simply a dream.

While the above is a list of some of the normal experiences around grief and loss, it is not an absolute or an exhaustive list of the related experiences and expressions of normal grief and loss.

CHERISHING AND KEEPING THE POSITIVE MEMORIES ALIVE

When those you love die, the best you can do is honor their spirit for as long as you live. You make a commitment that you're going to take whatever lesson that person or animal was trying to teach you, and you make it true in your own life... it's a positive way to keep their spirit alive in the world, by keeping it alive in yourself.

~ Patrick Swayze, The Time of My Life

Whatever stage you have lost a child; whether you have lost a child during a pregnancy, youth or into adulthood; the loss remains the same. The loss is an intolerable experience that words, nor deeds, are capable of eliminating.

As parents and family members, we must keep the positive memories alive. Do not avoid talking about your loved one, rather take joy in the positive memories associated with the person who you have lost.

ANCHORING ONE ANOTHER

All you need is one safe anchor to keep you grounded when the rest of your life spins out of control.

~ Katie Kacvinsky

Whether you are the parent, a sibling, an extended family member, or friend; it is important to offer and be supported through your time of grief. Grief can decay the soul, therefore it is essential that you do not avoid reaching out for support or offering your support for another.

“As the shock of the loss fades, there is a tendency on the part of the griever to feel more pain and sadness. Well-meaning friends may avoid discussing the subject due to their own discomfort with grief or their fear of making the person feel bad. As a result, people who are grieving often feel more isolated or lonely in their grief.

People who are grieving are likely to fluctuate between wanting some time to themselves and wanting closeness with others. They may want someone to talk to about their feelings.” (University of Texas, 2014)

The following are a few suggestions for helping others through a time of grief and loss:

• Be an active and compassionate listener.
• Sometimes it is best to simply be present with another.
• As a friend or family member, be certain to share your feelings and relationship to the loss.
• It is important to acknowledge the loss and pain associated with the grief and loss.
• Let them experience the feelings of sadness.
• Make it known that you are available.
• Never minimize another’s relationship to grief and loss.
• Send friendly and supportive texts, emails and messages.
• Do not avoid discussing the positive memories.
• Allow yourself to be an anchor and anchored by others.
• Most importantly, be available and approachable.

As an individual, I can attest to the strength of an anchor. An anchor is not only a support, but it is an individual who provides stability and confidence in an otherwise volatile and unpredictable environment. My anchor, was and is, my wife. I too have always tried proving a positive and supportive anchor for my wife, my love, and my best friend. An anchor is not perfect, rather is striving for a state of being free, or as free as possible from the problems of this life. An anchor is not only supportive during the calm times, but rather the most difficult ones. Anchors learn to support, to uplift and to help guide down the paths of health, wellness, and happiness . In my personal and professional opinion, happiness is neither giddiness or silliness, rather true happiness is a peace that passes all understanding. Therefore, an anchor is someone who helps to see beyond the problems and transitions of this life. My anchor has helped me to help her. An anchor should be someone who is personally open and willing to communicate. During times of loss, communication is the key to one’s recovery. Without healthy and clear communication, the tides will rise and the storms will overcome. Let me be clear, anchors are not perfect, but rather, are helpful for guiding, supporting, and offering positive encouragement. Most importantly, anchors must remember, not only are they supports for others, but they too must create supports and fortifications within their own lives. My wife and I continue to learn that we are not only our best advocates and allies, but it is through our personal advocacy, we have learned to be advocates and supports for others.

THE HEALING PROCESS

Respect your needs and limitations as you work through your grief and begin to heal.

The healing process is a process indeed. It is through a series of cautious steps that you will ultimately find your place of peace and sincerity. The healing process will not eliminate those fond memories that you have of another, rather they will only enhance the positive memories related to that person. It is the healing process that will serve as your pathway to health and wellness.The journey of the healing process begins with:

• Allow yourself to heal.
• Do not punish yourself for surviving.
• Live your life as you may have expected your loved one to live his or her own life.
• “Reach out to those closest to you. Ask for understanding, comfort and support.
• Seek counseling to help both yourself and your partner. You don’t have to face this alone.
• Allow yourself plenty of time to grieve and the opportunity to remember.” (APA, 2014)
• Avoid making any hasty or sudden changes, such as selling your home or quitting your job.
• Consider taking time for yourself and making time for your partner.
• “Being respectful and sensitive of each other’s needs and feelings.
• Sharing your thoughts and emotions by keeping communication lines open.
• Accepting differences and acknowledging each other’s coping styles.” (APA, 2014)
• Do not overwhelm yourself by taking on new tasks, assignments, or projects.
• Consider keeping a journal.
• Allow yourself to mourn and to be okay with the process.
• Consider taking time to breath and meditate.

Always remember, that you are not alone. There are others who are trained to offer support and guidance through the process of your grief. “Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or making the memories insignificant. Healing means refocusing.” (APA, 2014) Healing is an opportunity to cherish in the life and relationship. Healing is a combination of the good with the bad. Allow yourself time to heal, to mend, and to be well.

Author: Asa Don Brown, Ph.D., D.N.C.C.M., F.A.A.E.T.S.

Website: http://www.asadonbrown.com

The following article was originally published with The Canadian Counselling & Psychotherapy Association . It has been adapted and reworked for Psychology Today.

American Pregnancy Association, APA (2014, October 4) After a miscarriage: Surviving emotionally. Retrieved from http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/miscarriage-surviving-emotionally/

Cancer.net (2014, October 5) Grieving the loss of a child. Retrieved from http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child

Czukas, E. (2013, October 6, 2014) Men and pregnancy loss. Retrieved from http://miscarriage.about.com/od/forfriendsandfamily/tp/Men-And-Pregnancy-Loss.htm

University of Texas (2014, October 4) Grief and loss. University of Texas. Retrieved from http://cmhc.utexas.edu/griefloss.html

Weiss, M. F. (2014, October 5) Grieving the loss of a child. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Retrieved from http://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/Content/consumer_updates/grieving_the_loss_of_a_child.aspx

Asa Don Brown is an author, speaker and clinical psychologist.

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Managing Grief After Losing a Child

• Grief Journey

Types of Grief

• Help for Parents
• Personal Grief
• Sibling Grief
• Family Grief

Losing a child, whether anticipated or unexpected, can bring overwhelming pain. The grief that follows the death of a child is likely to feel paralyzing and endless. With time, healthy coping tools, and help from loved ones and professionals, however, the worst parts of grief will eventually pass.

This article provides an overview of common grief reactions, options for seeking help, and ways to cope.

SDI Productions / Getty Images

Grief Journey After Losing a Child

There is no time frame for grief, and it doesn't happen in stages or checklists. Grief is experienced uniquely by each person and comes and goes in different ways over time. You can think of grief as a bumpy, winding road that sometimes causes slowdowns and sometimes feels smooth.

The emotions parents experience while grieving the loss of a child vary considerably from person to person. They may also change from one day to the next. Some of the emotions you might experience include:

• Overwhelming sadness
• Feeling like you can't go on
• Feeling guilty or wondering if you could have done something
• Inability to function or complete daily tasks
• Shock or a sensation of numbness
• Anger or rage 

Grief, especially from losing a child, is not something you get over. Grief ebbs and flows and changes with time. Some days will be very hard and others will be a little easier. Eventually, grief should feel muted and in the background but most likely will be present in one way or another throughout life.

Mental Health Risk for Bereaved Parents

Research shows that grieving parents are at risk for developing depression for at least five years following the death of their child.

Grief can come in many different forms and the way people experience grief changes over time. Healthcare providers talk about different types of grief, but remember that grief is different for everyone and no one follows a precise pattern of grieving after the loss of a child.

Acute vs. Integrated Grief

Acute grief is the immediate response following a loss. During this time, it's common to be in shock or disbelief and to have a hard time processing the death. The focus tends to be on memories of the person who died, and it can feel all-consuming.

During acute grief, a person's experience tends to be internal, and it's common to avoid other people and normal activities for a while. The circumstances of the death can also impact the severity of the reaction. Death from violence, suicide , and unexpected deaths are often more difficult to cope with.

Although acute grief can be overwhelming and extremely painful, most people are able to move through their bereavement over time. Grieving is not a straightforward path or a series of stages to move through, but a back-and-forth journey that constantly moves between pain and joy, difficulty and positive experiences.

Eventually, the worst parts of grief should ease and allow space for finding enjoyment in life again. As this happens, grief is becoming integrated. This means that, while grief may always be present on some level, it does not control or define the person anymore.

Complicated Grief

For some people, intense grief reactions continue for a long time, and grief doesn't become integrated on its own. When grief causes ongoing worry or rumination about the death, or when a person avoids talking or thinking about the death or becomes stuck in experiencing the most painful parts of grief without relief after several months have passed, it's called complicated grief .

For those experiencing complicated grief, it may feel like the acute grief phase is never-ending. It's common to have difficulty moving through grief in a healthy way and finding meaning from the loss, and many people even consider suicide .

Complicated grief is most common in those who have lost a child. In these circumstances, a mental health professional can help with processing the loss and working through complicated grief to be able to confront the death and heal from the pain.

How Common Is Complicated Grief?

Around 7% to 10% of bereaved people experience complicated grief, and it's more common for parents who are grieving the loss of a child.

Help for Parents Grieving the Loss of a Child

For many grieving parents, it's natural to want to isolate from others during bereavement, especially those who bring reminders of the death. It may be painful to answer others' questions, to talk about yourself as a parent who lost a child, and to get through normal daily experiences..

It's also important to look for support while grieving the loss of a child. Whether it's professional help or peer-based, asking for help can be difficult. Yet, seeking support can help you bring meaning to the loss and work through the most difficult parts of bereavement.

Try accepting offers for food and other gifts, and push yourself to spend time with others in small amounts. Remember to set boundaries where you need them and that on some days it will be easier to spend time with people than on others.

Sometimes, it's helpful to speak to a professional to work through the grieving process. When grief does not naturally become integrated over time and remains intensely present and disruptive, a grief therapist can provide the tools to work through the painful memories and experiences of child loss.

Many parents will experience complicated grief while living through a child's death, and it's normal to need support to cope with the loss; the challenges that might come up in relationships with a spouse, family members, and other loved ones; and the interruption to daily life.

To find a grief therapist, look for a licensed mental health professional, such as a counselor, social worker, or psychologist, who has specialized training and experience in grief work. Medical professionals and health insurance providers can provide referrals to mental health professionals, and online provider searches can help narrow down options by various preferences.

Support Groups

Working through child loss can be a lonely experience. Through support groups , grieving parents can come together with others who are coping with similar circumstances. Knowing that others are going through the same pain can bring comfort, and sharing coping strategies to help others can bring a sense of purpose to bereavement.

There are different types of support groups:

• Peer-based groups : These are often run by a peer facilitator who shares a similar experience. The focus of the group is to bring connection and support to each participant.
• Clinical support groups : These are run by a mental health professional and are often formed by a therapist creating a group from individual therapy clients. Ask a grief therapist about opportunities for these types of support groups.

Managing Personal Grief

Grieving the loss of a child is extremely hard. One of the most important ways to cope is to take things slowly and not have expectations about how long the painful feelings should last or when grief should be "over."

Grief does not happen as a series of stages to work through or tasks to complete, but as an ongoing presence that moves back and forth between being extremely difficult and muted in the background.

Here are some tips to help work through grief:

• Don't ignore your feelings : Pay attention to them and allow yourself the time and space to feel your emotions as they happen.
• Ask for what you need : Whether it's a meal, help with picking up a child from school, or time off from work, tell people when you need help and accept it when it's offered.
• Get involved in something : Find an activity that brings you comfort or joy and commit to it. Be sure not to use activities as a way to ignore your feelings, but as a temporary distraction that reconnects you with other people and positive feelings.
• Honor your child : Find ways to bring meaning to your child's death. Some ideas are to make a donation to a charity in their name, volunteer with an organization that reminds you of your child, and participate in activities your child enjoyed. Celebrate your child's life with other family members and friends, and be sure to ask surviving siblings how they want to honor their sibling's life as well.

Helping Other Children Who Are Grieving

After the loss of a child, it's important to pay attention to the deceased child's siblings. Sibling grief is a type of disenfranchised grief , which means it's not recognized or supported by peers or society. Thus, grieving siblings need a chance to express their feelings, get support, and learn coping strategies. Depending on the age of the child or children, they might need help learning how to process the many feelings that come with bereavement.

It's also important to pay attention to how siblings are grieving because surviving siblings will take on the grief of their parents. As parents grieve, they often give less emotional attention to surviving children. This, in addition to the painful experience of losing a sibling, can affect their health and well-being and have long-term impacts.

For example, research has found that children who lose a sibling are at greater risk for poor academic performance, troubled relationships, substance abuse, and early death.

Prevalence of Sibling Death

Between 5% and 8% of people will experience the death of their sibling before they reach adulthood.

Managing Grief as a Family

Grief can impact your relationships with other people in your family, including your spouse, your other children, and your child's grandparents. While you are grieving, it is important to both acknowledge the grief of everyone else in the family and to spend time grieving privately. Some of the things you can do as a family include:

• Finding time to grieve together while also giving each other space to grieve alone
• Recognizing and accepting that everyone in the family may not be grieving in the same way
• Establishing family rituals to honor and remember the deceased child

After losing a child, it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions, including despair, sadness, anger, and longing. These feelings will be most painful initially during the acute grief phase. Over time, though, the most difficult emotions associated with grief will become easier and will exist in the background rather than be all-consuming.

For many parents, though, losing a child can be so hard to handle that grief becomes complicated rather than integrated. If grief is still raw and extremely painful, or if it brings out mental illnesses like depression, severe anxiety, or other concerns, it's important to seek support from a mental health professional.

Other things that can help are support groups, accepting offers of help from others, and finding ways to bring meaning to the death. It's important to also pay attention to the needs of siblings as they mourn.

The American Cancer Society. Grief and bereavement .

Pohlkamp L, Kreicbergs U, Sveen J. Bereaved mothers' and fathers' prolonged grief and psychological health 1 to 5 years after loss-A nationwide study . Psychooncology . 2019;28(7):1530-1536. doi:10.1002/pon.5112

The American Cancer Society. Seeking help and support for grief and loss .

Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. What is complicated grief?

D'Alton SV, Ridings L, Williams C, Phillips S. The bereavement experiences of children following sibling death: An integrative review . J Pediatr Nurs . 2022;66:e82-e99. doi:10.1016/j.pedn.2022.05.006

Bartel BT. Families grieving together: Integrating the loss of a child through ongoing relational connections . Death Stud . 2020;44(8):498-509. doi:10.1080/07481187.2019.1586794

By Melissa Porrey LPC, NCC Porrey is a licensed professional counselor and writer based in DC. She is a nationally board-certified counselor.

Comforting Words for Someone Who Lost a Child: Healing Through Empathy

• Mothers Against Addiction
• November 13, 2023

Understanding the Depth of Loss: Comforting Words for Someone Who Lost a Child

Recognizing the unique pain of child loss.

There’s no easy way to address the painful reality of child loss. It’s a particularly heart-wrenching form of grief, one that’s enveloped in a cloud of innocence lost, dreams unrealized, and futures untraveled. Finding comforting words for someone who lost a child can be challenging, especially if you’ve never experienced such profound grief yourself. The key thing is to acknowledge their pain with sincerity and empathy, giving them ample space to express their feelings.

Strategies for Substantial Emotional Support

Listening: the fundamental first step.

The first instinct might be to try and fill the painful silence with words, but sometimes the most comforting thing that you can do for bereaved parents is to simply listen . Encourage them to share their memories, their sorrows, and even their regrets.

Acts of Empathy and Compassion

Following a tragedy, actions can indeed speak louder than words. Small acts, such as delivering a meal, tidying their home, or simply sitting quietly with them, extend the message that you’re there for them.

Offering Assistance in Practical Areas

Amidst the chaos of grief, tackling even the most mundane tasks can feel overwhelming. So, how about offering help with errands, administrative tasks, or even finances? Providing assistance with understanding the annual income meaning and dealing with financial paperwork, something bereaved parents often struggle with, could be invaluable.

Comforting Words for a Mother Who Has Lost a Son: Moving Beyond Platitudes

Utilizing sincere professional quotes to address loss.

Professional quotes might seem cliché, but they can also serve as reassuring validations of mothers’ feelings after child loss. Quotes from our Losing a son Quotes collection offer mothers solace, reminding them that they’re not alone in their grief.

Creating Genuine Personal Statements

Consider inserting authentic sentiments, words that invoke precious memories, or even funny anecdotes about their son; these things are often more comforting than well-worn clichés.

Special Considerations: What to Say to a Mother Who Lost Her Son

It’s vital to keep in mind that everyone’s grieving process is unique. Take cues from the grieving mother, and adjust your comforting words accordingly. If she finds comfort in discussing her son’s accomplishments or sharing stories about him, gently engage in that conversation.

The Challenge of Solace: Comforting Words for a Mother Who Lost Her Daughter

Addressing the specific pain of losing a daughter.

Losing a daughter brings with it its own unique, stinging sorrow. The path of comfort entails recognizing that unique pain and reminiscing about the precious moments they shared.

How to Support a Mother Who Lost Her Baby: A Step-By-Step Approach

Support can come in many forms. You can provide emotional help by lending an empathetic ear, or being physically present without imposing any expectations. You can also extend practical support; perhaps by referring her to a reputable support network, such as C3i Solutions , which offer therapeutic solutions aimed at helping bereaved mothers navigate their grief.

What to Say When a Child Dies: Quotes from Comfort Givers

When you’re lost for words, turning to those who have comforted before us can help. Our compilation of daughter grieving loss Of father Quotes can be a source of comfort for a mother who has lost her daughter.

Bridging the Gap of Grief: Death of a Daughter Words of Comfort

Experts’ recommendations on approaching grieving parents.

Expert recommendations underscore the importance of empathy, patient listening, and actionable support when comforting parents suffering from loss. Instead of pushing them to move on, encourage them to move forward, carrying their daughter’s memories with them.

Politely Acknowledging the Loss without Emphasizing the Pain

Acknowledging a child’s death when speaking to the bereaved parents shows empathy. However, it’s crucial to do so respectfully, without emphasizing their pain or offering unsolicited advice.

Words of Comfort for Loss of Child: Nourishing Emotional Resilience

A grieving parent needs their emotional resilience nourished. Encourage them to embrace and express their feelings, and remind them that it’s okay to have moments of joy amidst their sorrow.

A Harsh Reality: What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Son Suddenly

Gradually approaching the topic of loss.

When death occurs unexpectedly, the shock can be insurmountable. In such instances, gradually approach the topic of loss, providing the bereaved parents a comfortable and empathetic environment to express their feelings.

Fostering Patience and Empathy

Understanding and patience go a long way in comforting a parent who lost a child suddenly. Being compassionate doesn’t mean finding solutions; it simply means standing by their side, understanding their pain, and assuring them that their feelings are valid.

Child Loss Quotes: Answering the Unutterable Questions

Our collection of comforting quotes can help bereaved parents grapple with the searing questions that a child’s unexpected death often leaves behind. They offer consolation and understanding to those grappling with sudden loss.

Turning Words into Actions: From Support to Healing

Establishing a comfortable environment for expressing feelings.

Creating a comfortable environment for the grieving parents to express their feelings is one of the most significant forms of support. Providing a safe, non-judgmental space for them can be healing.

Encouraging Memories and Conversations About the Deceased Child

Rather than avoiding mentioning the child who has passed away, encourage grieving parents to share their memories, fostering a space where their child’s memory is kept alive.

Offering Resilience-Building Support Over Time

Long-term support is incredibly important in the grieving process. The first birthday after death Of a loved one message highlights how providing emotional support over time can help parents gradually find resilience amid their grief.

A Different Ending: The Unending Journey of Grief

Emphasizing the importance of self-care for grieving mothers.

Don’t forget the importance of self-care for grieving mothers. Remind them about the essentials of physical health, sleep, and nutritious food, while also encouraging activities that bring them peace, whether it’s taking a walk, meditating, or reading.

Ensuring Continuous Emotional Support

One-off comforting gestures can make an immediate impact, but it’s consistent, ongoing emotional support that truly makes a difference in the long run. Be there for them, not just in the immediate aftermath, but in the weeks, months, and years later.

Encouraging Professional Assistance in Cases of Persistent Distress

In cases of unbearable, lingering distress, it may be beneficial to encourage bereaved parents to seek professional assistance. Psychotherapy and bereavement support groups can provide a form of comfort and understanding that friends and family, despite their best intentions, may not be able to offer.

Offering Hope in the Midst of Heartache: The Healing Power of Empathy

In the end, the tribal humanity of empathy is our greatest ally in offering hope amidst heartache. Providing comforting words for someone who lost a child, supporting them emotionally and practically, fostering an environment for them to freely express their feelings, and continuously standing by their side are some of the most empathetic and healing practices we can engage in. Whether it’s to a mother who lost her daughter or comforting words for a mother who has lost a son, let your empathy shine through, let your actions speak, and let your persevering presence assuage their grieving hearts.

What do you say to someone grieving the loss of a child?

When conversing with someone grieving the loss of a child, the most important thing is to communicate from the heart. Saying, “I’m deeply sorry for your loss, and I’m here for you during this difficult time,” is a simple but sincere statement that provides comfort.

How do you comfort a parent who lost a child?

Comforting a parent who lost a child can be an emotional tightrope walk. Expressing, “I can’t begin to understand your pain, but please know, I’m here to support you in any way that I can,” can provide solace, demonstrating your support without understating their loss.

What do you write in a sympathy card for loss of son?

In a sympathy card for the loss of a son, tender words such as, “May your precious memories of your son bring you some comfort in this challenging time. Please accept my heartfelt sympathies,” can bring a sense of condolences.

What do you say in a sympathy for a lost child?

For a sympathy message for a lost child, try something like, “Permit me to express my deep condolences over your loss. I cannot put into words the sorrow I feel for your loss.”

What is a comforting quote for a friend who is grieving?

A comforting quote for a grieving friend might be, “Grief is the price we pay for love. But the love we carry, outlives the heartbreak, overtime.” A reflection of their pain, but a gentle hint at hope too.

What are some good sympathy quotes?

Some good sympathy quotes include, “In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love hears the rustle of a wing,” or “Though we need to weep your loss, you dwell in that safe place in our hearts, where no storm or night or pain can reach you.”

What do you write when a child dies?

While writing for a child’s death, consider expressing, “Your child was a sparkling gem; their short time with us left an indelible impression. Our hearts ache alongside yours.”

What to do for someone who lost an adult child?

For someone who lost an adult child, offering assistance is a great start. Say, “I know the pain is hard at this time. If there’s anything, even the small stuff, you need help with, don’t hesitate to ask.”

When an elderly parent loses a child?

When an elderly parent loses a child, empathy and understanding come in handy. Try, “It’s unnatural for a parent to outlive their child; I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

What is the best short sympathy message?

The best short sympathy message could be, “My heart aches for you during this time. May you find some comfort in your precious memories.”

How do you write a heartfelt sympathy message?

A heartfelt sympathy message can be, “Words can’t capture the pain you’re feeling. Know I’m here for you, now and always, sharing in your sorrow.”

What is a positive sentence expressing sympathy?

A positive sentence expressing sympathy could read, “Despite the darkness now, the memory of their light will always brighten your heart.”

What do you say to a grieving mother on Mother’s Day?

For a grieving mother on Mother’s Day say, “Today, we celebrate all Mothers, including those who hold their children in their hearts rather than their arms.”

What does the Bible say about losing a child?

The Bible comforts those losing a child by reassuring, in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, that God comforts us during our hardships, so we can comfort others.

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Resources for Handling Grief

After the loss of a child, it can help to connect with other people who have gone through a similar experience.

A variety of resources are available for grieving families including websites, support groups, books, and online communities. Because each person has different needs and coping styles, what is helpful for one family member might not be helpful for another. Needs can also change over time.

After the loss of a child, it can help to connect with other people who have gone through a similar experience. Local support groups for parents or siblings can be found in many places including hospitals, churches, mental health centers, and community organizations. To find local support groups in a particular area, search online using keywords such as “grief support groups in (town).”

Websites and organizations that have been helpful to bereaved families include:

• The Compassionate Friends
• Courageous Parents Network
• Center for Loss and Life Transition
• Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents
• ACCO Bereavement
• Hope for Bereaved
• The Dougy Center

There are also websites specifically for siblings. These include:

• Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation - SuperSibs
• National Alliance for Grieving Children
• Coalition to Support Grieving Students

Grief Camps

Grief camps are another resource for families to consider. They can offer siblings a chance to share and connect with others who have experienced loss. Examples include:

• Camp Sunshine
• Comfort Zone Camp
• Camp Good Grief

Books on Grief

There are many books available on grief and the grieving process. Some are specific to a particular audience like parents who have lost a child; others are more general. Examples of books that parents have found helpful are included below. 

Books for adults

• Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart  by Alan Wolfelt (Companion Press, 2004). ISBN: 187965125. Exploring many factors that make how we experience grief unique and the normal thoughts and feelings mourners might have, this book also discusses questions of spirituality, religion and self-help techniques to promote healing.
• Healing a Parent’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Child Dies  by Alan Wolfelt (Companion Press, 2002). ISBN: 18796513000. Featuring simple yet effective methods for coping and healing, this book seeks to provide answers and relief for grieving parents. Discussion topics include marital stress, helping surviving siblings, coping with hurtful advice, and working through feelings of guilt.
• When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter  by Judith Bernstein (Andrew McMeel Publishing, 1998). ISBN: 0836252829. Featuring interviews conducted with more than four-dozen bereaved parents 5 years or more after the loss of a child, this insightful book discusses factors that affect mourning, family and social relationships during grieving, as well as how perspectives on life change after profound loss.
• The Bereaved Parent  by Harriet Schiff (Penguin Books, 1978). ISBN: 0140050434. Written by a former newspaper reporter who lost her child, this book provides practical, helpful guidance on topics such as the funeral, guilt, marriage issues, surviving siblings, and religion.
• Dear Parents: Letters to Bereaved Parents  by Joy Johnson (Centering Corp,1989). ISBN: 1561230332. This book features letters from bereaved families to other bereaved parents. Featuring stories of loss due to cancer, accidents, and miscarriage, these letters help the readers see that they are not alone in their grief.
• A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies  by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel (Hazelden, 2000). ISBN:156835560. Edited by a journalist and a psychotherapist, each of whom has lost a child, this compilation of poetry, fiction, and essays provides insights into the pain, stages of grief, and coping and healing process that follows the death of a child.
• Grief Therapy  edited by Karen Katafiasz (Elf Self Help, 1993). ISBN: 0870292676. Short and easy to read, this book helps explain how out of pain comes healing. It also provides meaningful messages of hope filled with illustrations.
• Please Be Patient I’m Grieving  by Gary Roe (GR Healing Resources, 2016). ASIN: B01DJJKP3U. For those looking to help someone grieving, this book paints a picture of what’s going on inside so they can provide love and support. It also helps those in the process of grieving understand that they aren’t alone on this journey.
• There is No Good Card for This  by Kelsey Crowe (HarperOne, 2017) ISBN: 0062469991. A collaboration between the creator of "Empathy Cards" and a compassion expert, this illustrated guide uses workbook exercises, actionable advice and no-nonsense humor to help the reader move past inertia that so often comes with helping someone going through a difficult time.
• Hannah's Gift: Lessons from a Life Fully Lived by Maria Housden  (Bantam, 2003) ISBN: 0553381229. Written by a mother in the wake of losing her three-year old daughter to cancer, this hopeful book helps understand and even celebrate the five lessons of truth, joy, faith, compassion, and wonder learned in the last year of her child’s struggle.
• Beyond Tears: After Losing a Child  by Ellen Mitchell, Rita Volpe, Ariella Long ‎ Phyllis Levine, Madeline Perri Kasden,‎ Barbara Goldstein,‎ Barbara Eisenberg,‎ Lorenza Colletti,‎ Audrey Cohen,‎ Carol Barkin (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009) ISBN: 0312545193. Written by nine mothers who each lost a child seven or more years previously, this book provides perspective about bereavement – what parents can expect to feel and experience but also how parents find a way to live again after loss.
• It's OK that You're Not OK  by Megan Devine (Sounds True, 2017) ISBN: 1622039076. Written in the wake of the loss of a partner, this powerful book delivers a simple message—that there is nothing wrong with grief—and helps the bereaved understand that healing from tragedy and loss takes more time our culture often expects. Includes practical guidance for managing stress, sleeping better and reducing anxiety.

Books for men and dads grieving a child’s death

• Lament for a Son  by Nicolas Wolterstorff (Eermans Publishing Company, 1987). ISBN: 080280294X. Documenting a father’s journey to come to terms with grief after losing his grown son in an accident, this book honestly depicts one man’s struggle and opens up the conversation for those who cannot find words for their own pain.
• Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing  by Thomas R. Golden (Golden Healing Publishing 2010). ISBN: 0965464911. Men and women can learn from this book about how genders differ in their healing process. Promoting greater understanding between partners, the book describes how an individual’s loss can impact an entire family.

Books for grandparents

• Grandparents Cry Twice: Help for Bereaved Grandparents  by Mary Lou Reed (Baywood Publishing Company, 2000). ISBN: 2000. Addressing grandparents’ dual sorrow when a grandchild dies, this book helps grandparents who grieve for their lost grandchild and for the unbearable loss they see their own child bear.
• Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother’s Journey Through Grief  by Nina Bennett (Booklocker.com, Inc., 2005). ISBN: 1591137640. This book was written by a bereaved grandmother of a stillborn child to portray the unique grief journey grandparents endure. It describes the traditional stages and theories of grief but also includes quotes from leading grief authorities as well as personal accounts from bereaved grandparents.
• For Bereaved Grandparents  by Margret H Gerner (Centering Corporation, 1990). ISBN: 1561230022. Addressing the grief that grandparents feel when their children have a child die, this book shows how grandparents can help their children while still allowing themselves to grieve.

Books for parents and caregivers

• Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends, and Caregivers  by Alan Wolfelt (Companion Press, 2001). ISBN: 1879651289. Addressing what to expect from grieving young people, this book describes how to provide safe outlets to express emotion. Included are tested, sensitive ideas for actions that people can take, while remaining supportive and honoring the mourner’s loss.
• A Child’s View of Grief: A Guide for Parents, Teachers, and Counselors  by Alan Wolfelt (Companion Press, 2004). ISBN: 1879651432. This guide to how children and adolescents grieve after someone they love dies is appropriate for parents, teachers, and other adults. Helping adults recognize the importance of empathy toward a grieving child and provides guidelines for involving children in funeral services, this resource helps adults learn how to talk with children about grief and death.
• The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide  by Helen Fitzgerald (Touchstone, 1992). ISBN: 0671767623. A helpful resource for children who experience the death of a parent, sibling, or close friend.
• Helping Teens Cope with Death  by The Dougy Center (The Dougy Center, 1999). ISBN: 1890534021. Understanding the emotions of a grieving teen can be difficult. This book helps readers learn and how to meet that teen’s basic grief needs, providing insight into how different types of death impact teens differently and how they might cope with these losses.
• Gone But Not Lost: Grieving the Death of a Child  (Baker Books, 2011) ISBN: 080101381X. With short chapters that each cover one element of grieving, this book brings helps parents address feelings of anger or guilt, as well as the strain on a marriage that often accompanies the loss of a child.

Books for children grieving the death of a sibling

• When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death  by Laurie Brown (Little, Brown Books for Young Readers, 1998). ISBN: 0316119555. Explaining death and how we react to it, this simple story helps young reads understand what we do after death. 
• WaterBugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children  by Doris Stickney (Pilgrim Press, 2010). ISBN: 0829818588. This remarkable book uses the story of a waterbug becoming a dragonfly to explain death.
• When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief  by Marge Heegaard (Woodland Press, 1996). ISBN: 0962050202. In the format of a journal, this book is good for self-directed children who like to write about their feelings.
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karat  (DeVorss and Company, 2000). ISBN: 0875167349. This sweet story discusses the connections and memories we make with others are always with us.
• What’s Heaven?  by Maria Shriver (Golden Books Adult Publishing, 2007). ISBN: 0312382413. This easy-to-understand book helps young readers prepare and understand death.
• Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss  by Melanie Mundy (Abbey Press, 2010). ISBN: 0870294393. Encouraging children to share their feelings with someone they love and trust, this very sweet story discusses an array of topics relating to death.
• How Can I Deal with When People Die  by Sally Hewitt (Franklin Watts, 2011). ISBN: 1445106213. Part of a series to help children better understand feelings and work through challenges, this book helps young children discover and understand how may feel when someone close to us dies through a combination of case studies and useful, practical advice.
• The Hugging Tree: A Story About Resilience by Jill Neimark  (Magination Press, 2015). ISBN: 1433819082. A story about a little tree that ends up on a cliff and must grow there, this poetic book aims to help children learn about resilience and getting in touch with inner hopes and dreams. 

Books for teens grieving the death of a sibling

• The Healing Your Grieving Heart Journal for Teens  by Alan D. Wolfelt (Companion Press, 2002) ISBN: 1879651335. For teens who like to write down their feelings, this book is also a good resource for teen counseling or support groups.
• Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers: How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love  by Earl Grollman (Beacon Press, 1993). ISBN: 0807025011. Offering advice and answering questions that teens are likely to ask when grieving the death of someone close, this easy-to-read book addresses different kinds of loss, including accidental death, long-term illnesses, and suicide.
• I Will Remember You: What to Do When Someone You Love Dies: A Guidebook for Teens  by Laura Dower (Scholastic Paperbacks, 2007). ISBN: 0439139619. Inspirational and accessible, this guide includes personal stories from real teens, advice from a renowned grief counselor, and a collection of creative exercises designed to help teens cope with pain and sorrow.

— Together does not endorse any branded product mentioned in this article.

— Reviewed: June 2018

Gender Differences in the Grieving Process

Men and women may grieve differently. Accepting differences can help family members give one another space to grieve in their own ways.

Grieving the death of a child is different for every parent. Learn more about how to cope.

How to Plan a Child’s Funeral or Memorial Service

Finding ways to celebrate your child’s life is an important way for your family to seek comfort and honor your child’s memory.

• Have any questions?
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Recommended Books For Child Loss

Loss, Survive, Thrive: Bereaved Parents Share Their Stories of Healing and Hope

No one is prepared for the loss of a child. No one. It feels completely unnatural for children to predecease their parents. Every year in the US, there are over 135,000 deaths of people under the age of forty. According to one study, 19% of parents now outlive their children, often carrying the weight of horrendous grief with them to their own graves. http://www.losssurvivethrive.com /

The Worst Loss

One of the best books ever written on the death of a child, Barbara Rosoff lovingly guides us to a better and more cogent understanding of what life is like after a child dies. With the interweaving of her own story after the death of her child, Rosoff gives the reader a full spectrum of knowledge so that anyone who reads this book will gain clarity and insight from it. Highly recommended by griefHaven as one of the best books on this subject.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Rarely does a book come along that tackles a perennially difficult human issue with such clarity and intelligence. Harold Kushner, a Jewish rabbi facing his own child’s fatal illness, deftly guides us through the inadequacies of the traditional answers to the problem of evil, then provides a uniquely practical and compassionate answer that has appealed to millions of readers across all religious creeds. Remarkable for its intensely relevant real-life examples and its fluid prose, this book cannot go unread by anyone who has ever been troubled by the question “Why me?”

A Broken Heart Still Beats After Your Child Dies

This anthology of poetry, fiction, and essays compiled from the literature of loss and grief is remarkable. The authors have included pieces from everyone from William Shakespeare to Dwight D. Eisenhower whose works explore the shock, the grief, and the search for meaning that come with the death of a child. Each piece is clearly introduced explaining the details surrounding the person’s loss.

After the Darkest Hour the Sun Will Shine Again

This helpful and inspirational book clearly helps bereaved parents deal with the many questions and issues that come up for them. It’s both a guide and a meditation that offers support and comfort. It is written in a clear and simple style with sort stories dealing with difficult issues. The advice and solace found in this small book is very valuable.

An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart.

“Bereavement after the loss of a baby is often quiet and lonely,” writes Christine O’Keeffe Lafser, who has twice lost a child to death. “There is no wake or funeral, no grave site, no memorial to our baby’s life or death. . . . Since there are no real memories of our little one’s life, people have a hard time comprehending the depth of our love and grief.” In these reflections, Lafser offers grieving parents the empathy and courage that can come only from one who has walked the same difficult path.

They are the most dreaded words an expectant mother can hear. As joy and anticipation dissolve into confusion and grief, painful questions refuse to go away: Why me? What did I do wrong? Doesn't God care? With the warmth and compassion of a licensed counselor and a Christian woman who has suffered miscarriage herself, Pam Vredevelt offers sound answers, advice, and reassurance to the woman fighting to maintain faith in this heartbreaking situation. Now in a fresh, contemporary cover, Empty Arms: Emotional Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy is the essential guidebook through the agony of losing a child.

Empty Cradle; Broken Heart

Deborah encourages grieving and makes suggestions for coping. Incisive comments from parents who have suffered through the death of a baby convincingly relay this message: "You are not alone and you can survive."

Free to Grieve

One-third of all women who conceive will have at least one miscarriage. This important book offers guidance for the sorrowing. It tackles the tough questions, including "Why did this happen?" and "Should we try again?" as well as exploring options for treatment and emotional healing. Free to Grieve has helped thousands of couples since it was first published nearly twenty years ago.

First Year; Worst Year: Coping With the Unexpected Death of Our Grown-Up Daughter

When clinical psychologist Barbara Wilson was faced with the devastating loss of her adult daughter Sarah, her professional skills were sorely tested. How she, her husband Mick, and their family came to terms with their loss is detailed in First Year, Worst Year, a moving memoir of survival during and after bereavement. Filled with photos of the Wilson family and their journey retracing the last moments of their daughter, who perished in a rafting accident in Peru, this book is a testament to the resilience of the human heart, even after it’s been broken.

Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth

Beloved grief educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt compassionately explores the common feelings of shock, anger, guilt, and sadness that accompany a stillborn child, offering copious suggestions. This book is a winner.

A Hike for Mike: An Uplifting Adventure Across the Sierra Nevada for Depression Awareness

The author writes about the physical and emotional challenges of the trek and its parallels to our journey through life and grief.

How to Survive the Loss of a Child

How to go on living when someone you love dies, miscarriage: women sharing from the heart.

This book is comprised of stories from women who have experienced the pain of miscarriage. The stories are varied in how the pregnancy ended, including surgery, natural miscarriage, etc. The stories are heart breaking and warm at the same time.

Silent Sorrow: Guidance and Support For You and Your Family

A Silent Sorrow has long been considered one of the best books for families seeking emotional and practical support after a pregnancy loss. Well organized, easily accessible, and filled with practical suggestions for each topic it covers, A Silent Sorrow is a positive first step for bereaved parents and their families, providing support and guidance to help them look to the future with hope.

When Hello Means Goodbye

Preparing for the birth of your baby that has already passed or will pass shortly is the main theme of this book. It deals with a lot of emotions and practicalities of stillbirth and neonatal death.

Louise Behiel

The lost child: finding the way back from emptiness.

A family where the parents are emotionally absent (whatever the reasons) leaves the children to fend for themselves emotionally.  In learning to cope in a difficult situation with a child’s maturity and knowledge, the siblings often adopt one of four roles to cope with the emotional emptiness of the home.

The Lost Child believes that there is no point in attracting attention to themselves – after all no one is aware they’re around.  As a result, they learn their own counsel, becoming totally self-reliant.

In school, they usually sit in the back of the room, and because they’re so quiet, people forget they’re in the room.  They aren’t joiners, running out of class and away from school as soon as possible but their grades are usually decent – because anything less would result in attention. And studying allows them to be alone and away from the chaos of their home.

They’re considered to be shy and introverted; but are really disconnected from others and themselves.   Unfortunately this isolation dogs them through life – even when they’re in a relationship.  Having learned to be invisible, they are often soft spoken, lost in a book or visual media and will avoid conflict at any cost.

They may be artistic, musical and genuinely kind and helpful. But their goal is to avoid hurt and that usually means avoiding deep relationships with other adults.  When they do risk a relationship, they may seem to be dependent and needy. Burdened with low self esteem (because they didn’t get the emotional support needed in childhood), they aren’t willing to risk a deep commitment to another person or to a goal or plan.  For the Lost Child, life can slip into a series of gray days without the sunshine of hope of a better future.

And ironically, in maintaining this role through out life, the Lost Child often becomes the emotionally absent parent, who is unable to give to his/her children the emotional connection and contact they need to grow into fully functioning, fully connected adults.

Persons adopting this role easily become addicts: the substance or activity keeps them from feeling.  Emotional connections are limited and shallow when an addiction is the priority.

Obesity and anorexia are common in adults in these roles, along with drugs, work and the internet.

Alternately, the Lost child works well alone and is very self-reliant.  They often are well-read and are good listeners.  They may have a quirky sense of humor, are usually flexible and always resourceful.

In order to overcome this role and develop the ability to move into deeply emotional relationships, the Lost Child has to confront their rage and fear. Recognition of the pain of the past, as well as its emotional emptiness is critical for their healing.  And to take any of these steps, the Lost Child’s denial must be set aside so that reality of the emotional barrenness of their life can be face.

Once those steps are taken, the former Lost Child is able to face their pain and form deep relationship.  They give up the victim position and become a team player.  They learn to make decisions and set long term goals of a personal nature. And eventually, they can learn to assertive, caring and connected.

Ironically, one of the hardest lessons for the Lost Child to learn in healing is that they’re not different, weird or strange.  They are simply people caught in an unhealthy situation who coped as well as they could – in a way that is governed by their personality, birth order and siblings.

As always, please don’t spend time diagnosing those around you.  These descriptions are absolute to facilitate understanding but nothing is ever completely black and white.  I will get into some of the role combinations and their behaviors in a couple of weeks.

I enjoy hearing from you.  Your comments are always insightful, intelligent and interesting.

122 comments

I learned Lost Child in 2009 through a counseling session with an ex husband and was so elated. I came home and couldn’t wait to tell everyone that I finally realized what was wrong with me. It fit me to a tee. I’m 58 now 14 years later the knowledge of knowing LCS I am unable to still move beyond victim. It’s hard to find counseling that deals with this and some people snicker as if it’s some made up malady. I was the last child of 3 born into a marriage that was already crumbling my mother probably resented my being born. There was never any tenderness or love and acceptance giving to me except by a grandmother I saw occasionally. Parents divorced when I was 10 and was all but on occasions left alone. I learned to live alone do everything alone. Today I prefer to be alone although I yearn for connection. I feel invisible around people what I have to say is worthless. My siblings have their own issues as well. All 3 of us are alcoholics. We never were a cohesive family it was as if five separate people lived as strangers in our house. I never developed lasting emotional ties with anyone and now that I’m older it’s even harder. I take the path of least resistance never giving my opinion unless I’m drinking. Alcohol gave me that false sense of empowerment but reality it only created more distance with people. I struggle everyday trying to find out who and what I am or even to feel emotion. I would love to find a support group for LCS.

Thanks for your comment. I want to start my reply with this statement: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE THE FOLLOWING, BUT YOU ASKED, SO I’M SHARING MY OPINION.

First things first… sobriety. I know it’s hard, but no one can have lasting emotional recovery if they’re using. It’s just that hard and that simple. While it’s a challenge, the 12 steps of AA are a great foundation for emotional recovery. I recovered from being the hero using those steps. But it’s a lot of work and very difficult. You get to decide what you want more.

I know that booze seems like the sollution to your feelings, but the more you drink, the more the feelings become ‘normalized’ and the more you need to drink. It’s a never-ending cycle. So get off the stuff, whatever is your chemical of choice. then with 6 – 12 months of sobriety, the issues of growing up the lost child will clarify and you can begin to work on them. For most Lost Children, this is a matter of learning to trust and connect. Again, hellish difficult, but what’s the alternative?

Good luck in your journey.

Hi, Thank you for this article. My daughter was recently diagnosed as a lost child. And she felt comfortable enough to tell me. As I am researching this I don’t see any advice as the parent of a lost child. Can you suggest any books or websites?

I have not come across any books for parents that I can think of right now. But there are lots of books on the lost Child. I would suggest you read as many of these as possible to help you understand how she feels and sees life. You don’t mention her age. I assume she’s an adult, since she is able to talk to you about this role. Remember these roles develop as a result of the child’s response to stress in her formative years. and the role can be magnified by the child’s personality. For example, a lost child is usually an introvert… not always, but very often. So it’s double causation for some.

I haven’t been much help and I’m sorry about that, but just remember, all we can do is love our children and accept them as they are. They have their own paths to walk and if she’s an adult, it is doubly important to accept that part of her. But your questions suggests you aleady know and are doing that. Good luck to both of you. and thanks for stopping by.

Could you please list some of the books on the lost child? I can’t seem to find any.

Most of the books that I’m aware of are older…look for authors like Claudia Black, Charles Whitfield, Sharon Wiegscheider-Cruse. or look in the recovery section of your favorite bookstore.

Could you name the books even if they are older? Us Lost Children are feeling even more lost by not having the resources!!

I’m not aware of any books specific to the lost child. but Claudia Black’s It will Never Happen to Me; Adult children of Alcoholics, Janet Woititz; the Adult Children of Alcoholics syndrome by Wayne Kritsberg;Daily Affirmations for adult children of Alcoholics by Rokelle Lerner; Healing the child within by Charles Whitfield.

there are dozens of books on this topic. Search on Amazon for Adult Children of Alcoholics and you will find many – some are much newer, but these are the classics – the first in their field. There is also a fellowship, Adult Children of Alcoholics, which has great reading material and many recommendations. It was helpful to many of my clients and to myself. Good luck

Being the lost child is a very difficult problem to identify since you don’t personally have “bad” childhood experiences. I have always had a fear of speaking publically. Since my journey began learning about past family dynamics, I see where the problem came from. I refuse to quit trying, but speaking in public continues to be extremely painful for me. The fight to be seen and heard vs. the childhood desire to remain hidden! Thank you for this article.

I’m glad the article was helpful. Repeated studies show that public speaking is the most common fear of the population. So in and of itself, this fear, does not signify the role of lost child. But the fight to be seen and heard as opposed to remaining hidden, especially in your day to day life, speaks to this role.

Remember too, that these roles are an adaptive measure that children use to cope with the stress in their family. it doesn’t mean there was abuse or alcoholism. It is about the family and what the parents find stressful.

thanks for stopping by and good luck with your work.

Both blog descriptions of the Lost child are so spot-on. For me, I think the feelings I avoid are more fear than anger. And, as a middle child in a big family, introverted, with two introverted parents, yeah, avoiding attention and fending for myself were natural. It was one way to keep privacy and protect what mattered most to me.

I’m glad you could identify. you seem to be peaceful in your role.

I came from a family of 6 siblings. I was in the middle. Too young to hang with the older and too old to hang out with the younger ones. I was the “middle lost child”. I was awkward, hid, ran away, and weighed until my parents passed away 100 lbs. From then on, I felt a little more free to explore who I was. I was able to gain weight because I knew I couldn’t be hurt anymore. Who I should have been at 45? I don’t know. I was neither the smartest, toughest, unified leader or bully. I hid behind closed doors so that I was not humiliated, made fun of, laughed or scoffed at because I was made to feel so unsure of myself, that I had no idea who I was. I married a wonderful man who I am still married to after 38 years. He is a rock and assures me that just because I cannot change my past, I can change where I am going in life. I am not there yet….I struggle and want to save the world, but have difficulties saving my self from the torture inside of me. I ask God everyday to give me the graces that I need to embellish on the happiness that He has given me and to look up, and know that I am not the only one who feels lost. I know I will eventually……..be found.

sounds like you’ve made great strides. Congratulations and keep up the good work.

I have read both of your blogs in regards to the Lost Child. It is me and it’s so helpful to know I’m not the only person out there who has felt this way. I would like to have some additional information. Do you have suggestions for books or anything of the sort to help me out? I’ve been to counseling, therapy, and seems everything in between….I always can’t seem to uproot some of these deep seated issues. I’m married, but I’m miserable. I don’t know how to move to living a life that I wanted instead of always living the adult child life I’ve always had. Information is great, but if I can’t figure out how to move ahead, it doesn’t help. I’ve recently contacted an Adult Child group near my area and maybe, that will help…but I feel so hopeless.

Moving ahead is about trial and error. Babies don’t just get up and walk – rather they learn to lift their heads, roll over, come up on all floor, crawl, stand and walk (with lots of falls to mark their progress). the same is true for this work. None of it will feel safe or healthy or right. Terror will mark each attempt at moving from this emotional place to a healthier one. And that means you have to take action to make the changes. No amount of knowledge will help you. Adult children is a great place to start. Find a group based on loving acceptance, work with a sponsor who is living the life you’d like, and follow directions.

books? Claudia Black (It will never happen to me) Much of the early work of Charles Whitfield, Sharon Weigscheider-Cruse and Melodie Beattie have information about the roles. They each use different names, but talk about the same syndrome. Good luck

Hi Heather, I’m in the same boat. Psychologists, therapists, you name it, and the pain, fear, and rage still persists. I stumbled across a book that is pretty good. Its called “healing the shame that binds you” by John Bradshaw. I highly recommend the book. It doesn’t have a straight answer but gives strategies that can help people like ourselves. I’m going to try and do the work and see if it alleviates any of the internal hidden pain we suffer. Still trying to understand what my needs are to set healthy boundaries.

I’ve recently started a new relationship and I am having difficulty with opening up intimately. This wasn’t a problem when I was younger. I feel I have some of the characteristics of the Lost Child and that building trust between us might be key. Do you have any suggestions about how my partner and I can do that?

learning to trust is a challenge for all of us but particularly for the Lost Child. but it is a skill – so it can be learned. Start with little things and share about that. or jump right in. it will be TERRIFYING and scary and ugly but do it anyway. Don’t share anything that could have legal repercussions (I robbed a store when I was 18) but emotional things. You might find that the first person you try this with is not trustworthy, but then you have to ask yourself “Is it him or me?” because we can find reasons that no one is trustworthy. it’s a long slow process but it will happen. and since you didn’t have this problem when younger, it should come back.

I was so stunned to find tears forming by the end of this. I just disappeared as a kid and I don’t know where I went. I was smart but barely had to try in school to get pretty good grades, but not enough to stand out. I now look back and see all of my behavior as being aligned with the sole purpose to become small and invisible.

Even though I hated being seen I was a piano prodigy as a kid. I even learned violin. I’ve had a career in music, always playing for other people. I write my own songs and I’ve wanted to have my own album out more than anything in the world, but can’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t realize how terrified I was of being heard. It brings me great pain.

I don’t know how to work with rage, every time I feel it I feel so stuck because of how deep it runs. I just want myself back, but I feel underneath everyone else’s problems that I took on as a kid with everyone venting at me there’s just nothing under it. It feels like despair.

Anna, I am so sorry to read your post. It is painful to hear the truth and know that your life could have been so different. As always, all I can recommend is therapy and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics (even if alcoholism isn’t involved in your childhood). You deserve the best life has to offer and I encourage you to go after it —it’s your turn.

stay well Louise

I find I fairly closely Identify with the traits mentioned in this article. I have a strong tendency to self isolate and have extremely low self-esteem dispite the fact that when I look at myself and my accomplishments with a rational eye I can see that there is a lot I should be proud of. Dispite this I never see myself as good enough to be deserving of anything and as a result I push people away. Further I’ve noticed I’ve developed serious trust issues and strongly suspect that this plays a major role in why I avoid seeking help dispite recognizing that I have a problem. Do you have any advice for how I can overcome this so I can start receiving the help I know I probably need?

overcoming trust issues is the hardest part of this role. Unfortunately, it takes lots of personal work. start with looking at who you don’t trust and why. as children, we learned that our parents the most necessary person in our life, was untrustworthy, so we learn not to truth others. we have to examine our foundation for determining who we trust and why. remember that getting hurt is a normal part of life, but start taking risks with small stpes and examine your reactions and weight them against the facts. if you do this a number of times, you’ll probably start to see that some situations and people are safe in a small way and then you can build on it. It’s like building muscle. we start with small weights and practice and then build up. it’s not an overnight event, but rather a gradual process. and when you reach a point of having some trust, then work with a therapist to overcome the deeper issues.

My husband left most of the parenting choices and decision making to me, something which created friction between us. (We have had marital therapy.) He was often emotionally unavailable and frequently on business trips. Our daughters have created successful lives with their work and partners. Our 28 year old son – the 3rd child – struggles to speak up, to be visible, to find his purpose, to maintain relationships. He avoids conflict. He seems to fit the profile of the “lost child”. My husband’s attitude to parenting him was very hands off – “he’ll figure it out himself”, something which he himself had to do growing up. My husband is finally realizing that our son is not figuring it out himself and has low self esteem; he (my husband) sees that he himself needs to step up. I’ve been advised by a family counsellor that as the mom, my role is to step back now and let my husband lead. My question is how does one lost child (my husband) provide support for another lost child (my son)? I’m wondering if my husband is repeating the same behavior of his father who was very distant. How can this cycle be broken?

It is a very difficult pattern to break because it’s set in early childhood. Now it’s the norm for your son and his father. that’s why these patterns are so damaging – your husband’s behavior is patterned after his dad’s, which was defined in his children’s mind as ‘normal for dad’. Your husband lived that out and has created the same mindset in your son. From their viewpoint, their way works and there is no need to change anything. until your son makes the decision to change his life, this is how it will be. Difficult for you and hard to accept, no doubt.

My father died when I was 7. Mom replaced him in 5 weeks. Lived under his alcoholism until they divorced. Was largely invisible to my mom. How do I deal with not knowing who I am supposed to be? I’m 46, have a wife and 5 kids. Life is good, but there’s always a hole, no affirmation confirms I’m ‘doing it right’…

For my clients, what works is doing lots of personal work. sometimes that’s therapy, sometimes it’s a 12 step group like adult children of Alcoholics. if you’re a reader, find some books that will guide your work. it will take time – often lots of it. when we don’t get our childhood needs for security and affirmation met, it is a heavy burden to unravel in adulthood. but it is totally doable. work on the desired changes. be gentle on yourself. simple affirmations aren’t enough. it requires us to work deeper than that.

Hi, Steve. I really connect with your submission. I never feel like I’m “getting it right” or am successful. Hopefully you are getting help for the strong emotions you are going through. It is truly a battle. Thinking of you.

Little did I knew that I grew up with narcissistic abusiv parents. I always thought something is wrong with me. They won’t even call me by my name if I don’t do what they want. Sad to say but in my struggle to break free from my family I start learning that my families have gone around and painted my name with words like he is Ill, crazy,into drugs and all others bad names to just keep me dependent on them. Become so hard to find someone to talk with as everyone is looking me as the devil who he hate his family. I am the lost child who never knew what true love is and become the scapegoat in my attempt to move on. The sad part is I have siblings who turned out to learn how to neglect me and have no interest whatsoever about my life. No one thinks I have my own life and they make sure I know that, whenever possible. Now hopeless as it is as I have no one to talk with how deeply in pain I am, just some one who will understand we can indeed be harmed by our parents. Seeking the truth I come to your page and thank you for the insightfull information and will be glad if you have any suggestions where I can find a group to join may be for a start of a new journey, may be a bright one and may be towards freedom.

I’m sorry for the pain you’re suffering. Families can indeed cause us lots of pain. our job is to recognize it, and then heal from it. takes lots of time but totally possible. I’m glad my post was of some help. the group that know the most about this information is the Adult Children Anonymous. a 12 step group that focuses on children raised in dysfunctional homes. good luck getting the help you need.

Does being a “Lost Child ” have anything to do with being a Highly Sensitive Person??? I read about that also and felt connected.

i am not very familiar with the Highly Sensitive Person diagnosis. Sorry, I can’t provide you with any information.

How do I begin confronting my rage and fear What steps do I need to take?

those are both difficult to overcome but totally possible.

fear first: when i’m afraid i ask myself what do I fear? our fears are lodged in our subconscious minds and were lodged there, for the most part, by the time we’re 7, even if they apply to something that is totally adult. for example, I used to be terrified to drive on snow when the roads were bad. scary, right? but here’s the truth: I had many sleepless nights over the snowfall. I’d wake and check how much snow had fallen and pace and worry myself almost sick. remember, I live in A region of the world that gets lots of snow – 4 or 5 months worth over the winter, so this was debilitating.

then I’d get up in the morning and leave early and drive myself to work, or my appointment, or wherever I had to go. I never once was late, nor did I ever have an accident. Weird, right? I was losing sleep because of the risk of driving in bad weather and yet I’m a good driver in those conditions. One day, I sat down with paper and pen and wrote out what I was afraid of. then I wrote down why I was afraid (the risk). Then i looked at the evidence of my results. I didn’t have trouble driving in snowy weather or on bad roads. Rather I almost made myself sick being afraid of something that wasn’t true. So every time my fear started to come up, Id remind myself that I’m a good driver and I can handle any weather conditions. and if they get to be too much, I gave myself permission to pull off the road and relax a bit. I never had to do the latter but I’ve continued to drive in winter. Do I like it? Not particularly. Does it terrify me? Not particularly. I’ve learned that was a fear implanted about driving on icy roads way back in the past, when tires weren’t so good and neither were the roads, but I was living it as if it was real and current.

so figure out one fear, go through th e process above and find out what you’re really afraid of and then work to heal it by using observation, explanation, and clear thinking. our emotions start with our thoughts, so as we clean up our thoughts, our emotions will change.

and since rage is an emotion, do the same thing. always remember when you’re angry to give yourself a time out, so you don’t do anything you regret, but let your logical mind lead you to how you want to feel. it will take some time but you will get there.

So lost. I am grieving a loss that has shaken me beyond belief. My therapist suggested i attend an Adult Children meeting..did that..now wondering if there might be an inpatient atmosphere to do the work ahead of me..

There could be, but don’t give up on Adult Childrrn. Go back until it makes sense and provides the help you need.

This is where I am. A lifetime of therapy has given me the insight to recognize and acknowledge the full extent of my situation, and pharmacotherapy helps me maintain a “neutral gear” to some extent, but my coping reflexes are so robust that I have struggled for years to get past them and recognize which feelings, goals and desires are my own and not simply imposters soaked up from the ambience. Even the most mundane and superficial interaction with another person—a cashier, say—requires herculean effort on my part to be in the moment, avoid preemptive strategies and engage with the complete other person there without feeling threatened. I have children I must protect from my demons and a wife with her own. I struggle with feelings of discouragement and wonder what strategies or checklists I might employ to maintain a sense of orientation as I make my way, so that my life will not have been lived in its entirety in a waiting room.

But if one is the lost child and is still treated as such by family members, should they sever ties? I am fair old to be bothered anymore and am so tired of the lot of them. All they do is take…with no return for me. Through childhood they stole my things with my parents consent. I was treated rather shabbily. I had almost died from kidney failure when I was two. My mother point blank told me she had spent too much time with me when I was in hospital and she had to devote herself to my siblings. And that she did. Alcoholism was a factor and at one time my mother tried to stab me with scissors. When I went to my father for safety, he tried to kill me with a chair. How does one recover?

Recovery takes education (which you’re getting) self appraisal and for most of us, therapy. I personally think toxic families don’t deserve a moment of our time or concern, but that’s me. It’s hard to change me so we stop hurting but it is doable. There’s some great groups too.

This is wonderful information. I recently discovered the concept of the lost child, and it has been such a relief. I thought there was always something inherently bad with me. I have felt so trapped in this lonely, friendless role, feeling like there was no way out. People will never like me and will always let me down. But I have new hope after reading your words, Louise. I am currently working on emotional release, specifically my anger and sadness over my childhood and subsequent adulthood with listening partners. Other than personal therapy, are there other resources, such as books, that you would recommend from help toward personal growth and moving past this? I realize how “lost child” it is of me to avoid the personal contact with a therapist and opt for a book instead. In that case, is there a particular type of therapy or area of concentration I should be looking for?

Claudia Black has s good book as does Sharon Wegsheider Cruse and Charles Whitfield. They’re older but valid. Also material on introversion, learning to trust, and recovering from PTSD are all helpful…or nay be helpful. Start there

I wanted to contribute afew things to see if my issues help define those of anyone else who can relate. I was typical; I stayed out of the way in my room or elsewhere, daydreamed a lot and read a lot, and can’t connect on deep levels with people even now that I’m 43. But, one significant thing that I remember is that around age 8 or 9 I suffered from hypochondria (fear of getting fatally sick). I had a very real anxiety that stayed with me like a blindspot that made me feel as though I had ‘stolen a chance to come here’, in other words I felt like I wasn’t SUPPOSED to be here. I eventually believed that I was not going to live longer than the age of 10. I’ve come to realize recently that the childhood hypochondria that scared me so badly was most likely from my mom’s emotionally reckless disregard for the fact that kids can be witnesses and derogatory comments don’t just fly under the radar. The subliminal baggage that she dumped on the family about hardships, and her lack of accountability, affected me in an ambiguous way because I was the smallest one and one she didn’t quite connect to. I’m the youngest in a family of six kids. My mother was a heavy night time drinker and so was my dad but he eventually moved out. I never bonded with my mom because by the time I was born she was burned out. She only wanted at the most 4 kids but instead had 6. She often blamed her conceptions on rape from her husband in earshot of the kids, but I sometimes think that she might have been drinking before I was conceived. My oldest sister was about 10 yrs older than me and became the surrogate mother to the family, and she often got offended by having to do my mom’s job. My oldest brother became the unwilling ‘man of the house’ and he sometimes let it show that he hated it. He currently has no kids, citing once that he had already raised a family. Once I passed the age of 10 my anxiety started subsiding because the prophecy never happened. At that point though I did start cutting myself out of family photos and became camera shy because I still felt like I was misplaced or just not supposed to be there. Sometime there after though I remember hearing my brother yelling at my mom where he said “Look, I didn’t f*ckin ask to be born OK so shut up!” I thought that was the coolest thing! Unfortunately I never correlated his comment to my previous fears of getting fatally sick. I finally tied all the details together just this past year sometime after my mom passed away. It was almost something like a one-too-many babies syndrome because the family was too large for its own good and my mom was too emotionally undisciplined. I don’t know that much good came out of wasting time thinking I was going to die, but it taught me that fears are not absolute truths. One positive incentive for the disconnected way that I was is that I stayed out of the manipulation circle. I was always confused as to why everyone else bent over backwards for my mom, since we weren’t close I didn’t see her in a loyal sentimental way that the older kids did. They could remember her from the days before drinking and probably always tried to get that back. The daydreaming thing had its good points as well as bad. I spent a lot of time thinking as a kid so I tend to be quick witted. I also don’t feel alone. I can be in my home for days and have my mind running constantly to the point that I don’t notice that I’m by myself. In reality though I’m not really doing much in life other than basics and it can be as harmful to self esteem in the way that a virtual life on social media can by those that have personal standards so high it becomes unrealistic and they can’t compare to their virtual images. Once I learned to be more realistic in my thinking my self esteem came up quite a bit, which was good so if you have a feeling that you don’t measure up try being mostly realistic. It might get so boring that you’ll want to go outside and do stuff 🙂

thanks for sharing your story. i’m sure it will help others.

Thank you so much for this helpful article. Shame is at the core of my childhood. Narcassistic father- codependent mother- first born brother (scapegoat) rejected by father because of looks- 2nd born brother became golden child- I’m the 3rd/ last child…but just a girl. Knowing why I turned out to be the lost child is easy compared to facing my “truths” about myself. Every thought emanates from my core beliefs …so I’m working on changing those core beliefs…..and it is exhausting !

It is a lot of work to change your core beliefs but do worth it. Good luck

Marsha, your comment resonated with me and is my story except that it is just my older brother (scapegoat) and me (lost child). Yes, exhausting journey to heal from this. So wonderful to not feel alone! Sending you positive healing energy!!

thanks for sharing part of your journey Teresa. I have edited your comment, since I don’t allow recommendations on this site. I’m glad you found the help you need and are recovering. Great work.

If you are a lost child, or you relate to a lot of this stuff, how do you even begin to heal???? I wouldn’t even know where to start. A lot of times I’m in therapy and they don’t even know how to help. And also… what if you crave the isolation and solitude that being alone brings? But then freak out when nobody is there.

the craving, offset by the freak out, says to me you are a lost child, caught in the old patterns. how do you change? by taking small, terrifying steps and learn how to be with people.

little children do this naturally, but for the lost child, they never learned how to do these skills. we didn’t “learn” on the job of childhood play time. so we do it now. As adults, when it’s totally terrifying.

if you wanted to learn to paint, what would you do? take lessons and try. you’re in therapy. that’s the learning part. you’re reading blogs and books about the situation. more learning. now comes the trying part. we have to reach out to people and try to connect. yes it’s terrifying. yes, we hate it. but we can’t figure out how to be a friend and have a friend unless we begin. so start. call one person and chat. either anyone you know but not a friend. not someone you’re used to chatting with, but someone one step away from there. someone who can cause you a small amount, or the least amount, of stress. make that call. set a timer, so you know that it will end. Talk about anything you want, but make a list ahead of time. then take action.

the next day, call someone else. maybe a friend for her birthday. or to tell her what you appreciate about her. or to share something. Again it’s about action.

YOU CANNOT HEAL WITHOUT TAKING RISKS AND MAKING THE EFFORT.

after each call, then coffee date, then movie, then…whatever analyze what worked and what didn’t. Make changes in your approach and then do it again. or take the next step.

none of us can go from here to there. that’s too big a jump. but one step at a time, you can make the distance. You can move out of this role to the real person you were born to be. you’ll probably always be an introvert. you will notice that after such a call, you’re exhausted. THIS IS NORMAL!!!! Introverts get energy from being alone. But those of us who are lost children go too far.

make the changes and take the action. you will heal. I promise.

Thank you so much for this post. I made my first phone call yesterday . I planned it before hand and it went very well. I am not embracing the label “Lost Child” but I fit right in. Wanderin, wandering, wandering for almost 51 years. Whew , I’m tired. I long for the feeling of freedom and happiness that I had 46 years ago before starting school. I’m seeing a therapist, blogging, and reading so I’m hopeful.☺

I’m so glad for you. Doing the work will bring you back to that time.

Hi.. I am a recovering “Family Hero, Lost child and scapegoat.” I have been in counseling and CODA support group without a major improvement until “I hit bottom”. My behavior change was drastic after I WENT TO “CODA Treatment,” follow up counseling and Al-anon meetings.” Having a sponsor in each program was extremely needed. A lot of work. money.time and dedication had been needed. Go..d Bless

Time energy and work for sure. Like you it was money for me too.

This is definitely me! I think I’m going to have to just subscribe to your blog. 🙂 It’s amazing!

I am a lost child. This role is so painful. I couldn’t understand for years why I was so depressed and why I was so angry. To everyone my parents were amazing people but I couldn’t feel that. I feel guilty that I don’t feel like I love my parents. I scared because I have a hard time understanding what love is. I have been in one serious relationship and it was abusive and since it fell apart I haven’t been in a relationship again. I’m afraid to get close to people. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough and they would eventually lose interest in me or vice versa. I do think I’m different and weird. It makes me feel like I’m impossible to connect with. I hate my reality. I have two kids and I’m afraid I will perpetuate this role. I need help. I’m hurting so bad inside and I feel emotionally empty.

your emotional response is typical of the ‘lost child. therapy or Adult Children will hlp you resolve it. good luck

the only resolution is either therapy or adult children 12 step groups. good luck

Wait how does it link to victim hood… Do we lost children have to deep connections, if we already have them with friends etc.

The lost child

I’m not sure of your question. it is unusual for a lost child to develop healthy deep relationships beyond the family. not impossible but fairly rare. If you’ve done that, good for you

I was reading about dysfunctional families and stumbled upon the description of the lost child. I had to find out more. This site made me realize that this is what was going on with me. I always felt like I was weird and different and invisiible and that i could not be seen. I always knew something was off from the day I was a little kid. Our home was very chaotic and I felt that if I let anyone know what was going on, I would be abandoned. I think this is why i adopted this role: i was terrified of being abandoned by my family and was willing to put up with the dysfunction at any cost. But I am now realizing that today, at 21, my life is mine, there is nothing to fear anymore. I will seek therapy as soon as I can. Thank you for this site. I would like to know, is there any way to access the anger so that I am not so afraid of others (i think i am lacking a healthy level of aggression). Thank you again.

I’m glad you found some of your answers here. good for you. as you work with a trained therapist, you will access the anger you’ve suppressed, not to worry. just remember that your level of trust by the 4th appointment will determine your success with a therapist. Because of the role you’ve adopted, trust is often a hard thing to feel. so it will take some extra soul searching to be sure you truly do or do not truth the therapist you’re working with and why.

Hello Louise, Thank you so much for writing this article. I am the 3rd of 4 children. I can see so clearly now that my older sister was the Hero, my older brother the Scapegoat, I the Lost Child and my younger sister the Mascot. What made home life worse for me was that I was being bullied at school and my brother was taking out his anger at my father on me at home. No wonder I joined the military right out of high school and moved across the country after college.

My father could deliver a speech to 100 people and win Man of the Year awards from towns, but it seemed he was out of his element with his own family. Us kids call his den, the shrine, lined with all his plaques and letters of appreciation.

My mother used to forget to tell me about family outings. I was nearly left behind during several trips. On one vacation when I was 8, I got lost after wandering away from the family. When a very nice woman helped me find them again they hadn’t noticed I was gone.

My mother called me by her brother’s name, my brother’s name, even by the dog’s name a few times.

As you described, I was a solid C student. My older sister used to tease me about reading volumes of the encyclopedia. My little rebellion was to listen to rock music. My consolation was that music was my best friend because it would never hurt me. That led me to learn to play guitar and write songs. Joy.

There have been several times over the years where I have turned to food for comfort.

our difficult families make life harder for all of us who survive our childhood. But the good news is that you’ve recognized the pattern and can now do whatever you want to change, evolve and become the person you’d have been had you had loving, present parents. it’s almost mind boggling to consider your possibilities. go for it all.

I needed that reply ❤️

Discovering that I am part-Lost Child, as well as Hero Child, since I am an only child has shed so much light on my life. I was a “perfect” kid, got great grades, was a good athlete, and was able to be self-sufficient while my parents ran their family business. Eventually their inability to be good capitalists caught up with them, and we lost our house when I was 14 due to bankruptcy. Things weren’t as bad as they seemed. I was given about three days notice to pack up from one of the nicer houses in town, before the age of the internet, and it was a toll to continually tell the story (whereas now I could’ve posted one facebook post and been done with it). I was very fortunate to have close family and friends to make it through. It was more of a matter of semantics, we could not find housing in the short time given after eviction. I lived with friends for a month, whom we helped out when their family went through domestic violence issues, so there was no judgment there. My parents lived at a cheap hotel, but a month passed and we rented about the nicest 3 BR house we could find in town – things were not that bad – it could’ve been much worse.

In trying to get closure over an old girlfriend, who seemingly had all of the same intimacy issues I did in my mid-20s, a friend suggested I investigate the impact her father’s cocaine addiction had on her. I was AMAZED to find the Dysfunctional Family model, and she was clearly a Lost Child. I mentioned to my mother, and she remarked, “I wonder what we did to you?” Then it hit me – my childhood was not regular, either.

I can remember in first grade, furiously eating my dinner to get out of there before the alcohol kicked in and arguing started (never physical). Then when I was 10, I was mature enough to stay home alone in the summer, where I secluded myself with books, and eventually the internet, instead of socialize normally. Since my parents basically only socialized with my friends’ parents (the domestic violence couple), me and their two sons became basically like brothers – we both have seen what we faced at our worst and it was no big deal to us almost, like every family went through this.

It could have been so much worse for me, but when I add up all of the pieces, then the bankruptcy and losing the house, I realized my parents pinned the legitimacy of our family on my achievements. I was easily Ivy League material, but I subconsciously bombed one class to tank my ranking (my therapist came up with that theory). I still ended up at a very prestigious school that my dad managed to gain employment at, and was told to major in a specific quantitative, respectable field as my cousin did – so I did, luckily I did like it – but I resented the fact I didn’t feel like I had a choice.

I had a HS girlfriend of 2+ years, but I did not pursue women really in college – I did not use alcohol as a means to let myself be vulnerable. Over time, slightly after college, two women I was friends with initiated physical relationships with me, but I didn’t find them fulfilling. They were attractive women, and at the time I would say I was equally as attractive and had a body featured in a major bodybuilding magazine – but I remained this enigma as I was this somewhat awkward, yet smart, sociable person with a good job, but never had a girlfriend.

But I read everybody so well, and I never understood why. I saw everybody’s flaws – who’s to say how major they were, but they told me not to engage. Until one night, at a BBQ my boss had, I saw a woman I knew I was going to approach no matter what. She just happened to be gorgeous and it was like a magnet drew us to each other. Now I realized it was the fact we were both Lost Children, and we knew what signs not to send, or what cues to look for. At the time, we did not care about the other’s experience level, but we found out quickly we both had intimacy issues. We both “dated” safe people to try and figure out relationships as adults but had no luck, then two seemingly underdeveloped people emotionally figured it out and had almost a two year relationship. But at the end of the day, even though we had the core values we needed in a partner, we didn’t have enough in common – it was hard on both of us.

We stayed in touch, but grew apart, I moved away, but then moved back. I knew I didn’t want to be with her, but I somehow felt responsible she was still single too – I knew she had gone through everything I did somehow by intuition and basic social networking pictures. I reached out to her and totally flopped on how I felt, but my point was I knew we were in the past, but she’d always be somebody I cared about, and she reciprocated the sentiment. This was prior to finding out about the Lost Child syndrome.

I’ve since worked with my therapist and it’s been uplifting to understand myself, but her as well. Unfortunately, I need to treat her like a co-dependent as she lives a lifestyle dictated by her sister (the scapegoat). But she needs to come to the realization she can lead a more fulfilling life on her own – hearing such feedback from me would likely push her further away. Beyond getting past the feeling of responsibility that she lands on her feet and moving past her, it’s also explained so much about how I function as a person.

I have no regrets about the life I’ve lived, it’s made me who I am, and I was blessed with gifts far better than most; I’m just glad I finally figured out the “why” behind a lot of who I am. It’s only been about two months, but I grow more insight each day, for that I am thankful.

Godspeed to the rest of you figuring out your demons, and best of luck to us all to continue to make progress.

We can’t change what we don’t know. Your story is living proof of that. In spite of all the work, there was still an element missing. congratulations on figuring it out. Now do the work to completely mitigate your childhood and live the life you were intended to have.

good luck and thanks for sharing.

Hello, thanks for writing this passage, I have been in an alcoholic family since I could remember, It has been its worse for the past 15 years though, I am 21 years old, and having to live with my family because of income problems and its hard to find anything stable that I enjoy doing. I will get a job and then by the time I get off work my energy is so low I barely can perform any creative outlets because my energy was all used up at my job… Anyway it’s been so hard I have been trying to forgive and I whenever I do forgive and move on I come into the house and my parents are always fighting so aggressively… It’s so hard to feel inspired and loved in this environment… Everytime I walk into my house it’s a different emotion in the air of the house and I have to adjust to theirs, I’m so sick of dealing with this, when I lived with my friend going to bed was never a problem, the apartment eventually got quiet, It was always the same emotion walking into the apartment, happiness, or content or calmness. I’m so upset having to deal with this… I really just want to start my life somewhere else where my emotions can be planted and grown. Here everytime they are planted, they wilt away with sadness, because I can’t keep the good emotions going… I hate being around my family… They dont see the true beauty I am, they might see it in an idealized, plain way, but they don’t take the time to ask what’s on the inside. It’s so hard to communicate with my family, the Lost child role is definitely how my life was growing up, I was forgotten, not checked upon, and never talked about my feelings much. I think I feel the grief because it’s like why did you have me? If you could not be a true mother, My bother is about 10 years older than me. My mom gave all of her energy to him growing up and not having much alcohol problems as much, and by the time I started growing up into my teens she just gave up and didn’t want anything to do with me… I’m just struggling living with them so much. It’s hard to feel inspired, loved, or mentally healthy most of the time, and if I do it doesn’t last very long. I have considered suicide before the age of 30 because I can’t imagine dealing with my family’s cynicalness, all I want is connection, empathy and love. And those three don’t grow here, I hope I can find friends who accept me & appreciate me for who I am, my alone time, my sadness, and my creativity, my ups & downs and my hope for the future. I do have two really good friends, but they don’t like to discuss deep topics as much, so I’m usually left with myself to figure & sort them out. I’m also gay, so finding a lover is a bit difficult, finding a genuine gay male is so hard these days… Anyway I thought I’d leave a comment explaining how my upbringing went for the most part. I still have hope, but it’s really hard living with the people who hurt you everyday unknowingly.

the only recommendation I can make, although you didn’t really ask for one is to attend meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics. A good group will help you work through the healing process and figure out the next steps for yourself.

I am the lost child and my situation is getting worse. I have a chronic illness/pain – endometriosis. For two years, I have paid for and taken care of myself 100%. I never asked my parents for money. My loving mother took care of me after surgery. My father was emotionally distant from me, the baby girl. The Hero of the family used to physically and verbally abuse me, sometimes with tools – bee bee guns, knives, hammers, hard balls, etc… My angel brother the second child was the scapegoat. I even learned that from him. I’m 29. For the past year or more, I have been anxious at family get togethers to be around the hero of the family. I never know how he emotionally reacts. Last Christmas, he yelled at me, shook me, and said “what is wrong with you?” I do not want a single thing from my family. I am extremely introverted. I do not need a single thing from my family. I’m single. The endo doesn’t help. I go to therapy. I’m really proud I found your site. I can talk about some of these things with my therapist. I always expect someone romantically to give themselves freely, as I expect of myself. I don’t want to make new friends or significant otters. I want to dive into a world of literature and art, where I can escape my everyday stresses. I never want to have kids. I’m already an absentee aunt. Last week, my sister-in-law said some very low comments about handling my illness, and how I most people handle their problems better than I do. I cut her and my brother out of my life almost instantaneously, very quickly, last straw. My savior is the Blessed Virgin Mary. I believe in myself and God. I’m trying to stand as tall as I can. Remembering the backbone I grew, all alone under the knife. I created my own rules. I just want respect from them. And I want my brother and sister-in-law completely out of my health issues. Thank you for letting me write.

I’m glad you found this safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. Keep your brother out of your health issues by not sharing with them what’s going on. You cannot dictate to others what you want from them. life doesn’t work that way. Rather respect yourself. Move forward with calm confidence and live your life. they will either get it or not. People are funny and never give us what we truly want. and that’s because, in their eyes, we are what they see. so nothing we say or do can change their opinion for us. They have to change their opinion of us and it’s not related to the person we are.

Perception is the truth, is the old saying. It’s particularly true of our families. So don’t worry about them or what they think of you. live your life. Be happy. Get well. and know you’re making the best of the current situation.

I heard of the title “lost child” before. I just recently felt the need to look it up and see if that’s my role because it feels like me. It’s crazy I’ll be 55 this year and I still struggle with feeling lost, emotionally disconnected from myself, and pretty much everyone else. My mother told a counselor we were seeing that I disconnected myself from the family at age 3 and that you could never love me enough, it was never enough my mom said. I’ve been to counseling and heavily in Al-non but still fight this emotional battle of being lost, I want to be found, but so fearful of being found and used and abused. My mom and dad had thirteen children. My father was, according to my mom, the alcoholic. I don’t know, he died of a heart attack in his sleep at the age of 44 one week before Christmas. I was 7 that year and my mom was 42 left to raise us 13. The oldest being about 21 and the youngest getting ready to be 3 for he was a new year baby. My mom was definitely emotionally unavailable, angry, depressed. I would say she was the abuser smacking us all around when she was struggling with anger. There were other abuses going on as well sexual abuse among the siblings. I’m the 10th child. I think the role that best served me was the lost child. my brother 11 months older than me I think played the scapegoat. I think there’s maybe a lot of lost children in this family unit. We had a few comedians in the older sibs not sure who the hero or perfect one was. I think we all struggle with perfectionism. The youngest sibling is the only one we are aware that struggles with alcoholism. It just feels easiest still today to be by myself then I don’t have to worry about being annoying to others, or not pleasing others, or me not being annoyed or hurt by others. I pray by the grace of God that this is the year I brake free from this emotional bondage. Thanks for this safe place to speak it out.

Thanks for sharing. Sure sounds like the lost child role, from what you’very said. It’s scary to be vulnerable but so worth it.

I don’t think I should have to feel any more pain. If the world were right I would be wearing a necklace of shrunken heads. It is true helplessness that has caused my life predicament. You can call it “feelings” if you want. NOBODY helped me. I was made to be dependant on completely unreliable assholes who thought me that I was both worthless and going to hell. I was taught to pray to Jesus and nothing else. Now I am stuck with the emotional bag for the neglect of one person who had extreme and apparent psychological problems. I was bullied, harassed, and ostracized by their idiot student body to the point of psychological damage even while having a biological condition that causes social isolation and complete confusion. I feel like I am responsible for feeding successful con artist bigots like Bob Rowe at Covington Catholic Highschool.

so very often there is no help for us as children. that leaves us as traumatized adults from the pain of childhood.

Wow. When I read this I felt so many emotions. I wish I knew how to explain it. This is a SPOT ON description of me. Thats me! It’s like reading a sumary of my life so far! I’m 18 years old and now I finally have some answers. Why I always felt invisible in my family. Why I almost keep pushing my only friend away by being so needy and annoying. Why I could never participate in class, no matter how hard I tried. Why I can never tell anyone how Im feeling. Why I felt lile an alien who doesent fit in anywhere and would be better of leaving earth and find her fellow freak aliens on some far away planet.Or, more realisticly, just die. I always thought there was just something wrong with me. That I did something wrong and thats why I always felt in the way. I never knew that all my individual problems were really all part of the same big thing, that not only exists, but also have causes! Its legit, and other people are in the same boat as me. Everyone around me always told me I was shy, and whenever they did that I would feel more and more irritated. I dont “feel” shy.. I just dont feel like speaking would contribuye to anything, so theres no point. Whenever I would try to voice these feelings, people would scoff at me. “Its just puberty, everyone feels that way, you cant possibly know what you feel, you’re just a dramatic child, it will pass.” Thats what my school counceler told me. It was the first and last time I ever tried to get help. But now I have found this, and I want to change. I feel isolated and alone, and I can go entire days without talking to anybody. I’ve always preffered this, but I fear my life will concist of constant depression and loneliness, as it have so far. I want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to make friends or even just keep a simple conversation going for more than 2 seconds. I want to feel human. Now that I recignize my problem, by being a Lost child, I need to figure out how I can get over this. I want to feel normal and loved for the first time in my life.

defining your reality and understanding that there is a cause is the first step to a wonderful new life. it will take work and it will be hard because we are all required to act outside of our comfort zone. for some of us it’s by not speaking up for others, like you, it’s about speaking up an feeling what you feel about it. The adult child of alcoholics groups provide a safe place for you to practice and learn these new behaviors. Get a sponsor once you find someone who has made a similar journey and work with them. if you can’t find someone, know it’s probably your lost child trying to keep you where you are so ask someone anyway.

I really have to force myself to be loving and affectionate and in the moment with my child. I remember years between hugs, and none from my mother, so it is very hard for me to force physical affection out of myself, but once I do, it is so wonderful to hug my child and see that when she needs a hug she just comes and gets one. Sometimes, out of nowhere, this little person comes and just hugs me and tells me she loves me. I look at her in wonder, I never was allowed to be this way as a child, realizing she has a parental base I did not have at her age. I look forward to my child being free of the family crazy making that has so shaped and stunted me, but in order to do this, I am forced to look within and heal in order to assure the buck stops with me.

I think I can state succinctly how it felt to be the lost child, and it is from a song by Queen: “I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.”

I finally confronted my rage within, only last month. It kept poking up out of the happy box where I stored it to study it later. It is gone, now, and once it left, I realized it was never me at all, that rageful person, but armor I donned at age fifteen in order to make it through the next thirty-two years more or less intact, though still stunted and needing of more work. I move on to deal with the sadness I never allowed myself to feel as a child. And the sadness is actually more difficult to work through than the rage. I hate to cry, I hate to feel this sadness, and I hope it is over soon.

I’m still not sure how I upgraded from ‘lost child,’ to ‘scapegoat,’ in the family I no longer hang with, but it had something to do with me daring to get married and have a child, and the straw that broke my bio-families back was I dared to upset the family tradition of formula feeding. Yup. Just like my mother, I dared to breastfeed. Isn’t that just the silliest thing to be ostracized for?

I understand there won’t be any true closure, so, the things I wonder, now? I’d really love to hear the lies that have been told about me. They must be fantastic, I want to write them out and make funny stories of them. Then, I do admit, despite all the research that implies otherwise, I do wonder if they miss me at all, but then I remember back to an incident as a child, and I’m like ‘Oh well.’

It is strange to be without the worry of a toxic family dragging me down, but, it is difficult to recover from what happened, so, I forgive myself my questions, and maybe, someday, the answers to those questions will be googleable, too.

Thank you for these blogs. =)

good for you. Breaking free from a toxic family is one of the hardest things to do. You seem to have successfully managed it and in the process changed your life, and that of your little one.

congratulations and continued good luck

Oh my. I just discovered that I’m the lost child — always fantasizing, and delving into a hidey hole to avoid conflict. Superficially friendly but often hiding behind others, the listener and good friend who reflected back what others wanted to hear. Incapable of getting angry. Excelling in school but floundering in navigating a workplace because there’s nowhere to hide. Never sure of who I was, feeling like there was a missing piece. Totally in denial of my childhood being problematic because there was no alcoholism or abuse — just very intellectual, emotionally unaware. I fear this awareness has come too late. Now I’m the checked-out parent of three sweet little kids ages 5 and under. I always felt I was missing something in my understanding of my kids, like other people knew my kids better than I did. Our interactions are sweet and silly but more like a babysitter, lacking the careful attunement of a real mother. I don’t have the deep emotional connection that others do. And they need so much more. Any guidance please! I’m in therapy already but what about the kids? Family therapy, early intervention? I have no idea what I want or how to give them what they need, but I don’t want to ruin their lives.

Your kids are very resilient, so not to worry. As you do this work, you will heal and you will help them. I started my work when my kids were in double digits and they are all 3 productive members of society. Decent and hard working. I can’t ask for more. do they have issues? Yes, they do. But everyone does. we can’t parent so perfectly that our kids grow up without their own work to do.

so relax. For right now, you’re doing all you can do. and with therapy, reading, and effort, you will be able to feel more deeply.

My younger sister (also the youngest of us five children growing up in alcoholic family) told me she identifies with “the Lost Child”. We’re both in our 50’s now and I’ve tried all sorts of ways to help her work through how she feels, something ALWAYS goes wrong. She tells me she believes our oldest brother and me were the chosen kids in the family. Hmm..not really…we were the ones stuck with the responsibilities. Guidance Counselor in high school told me after speaking with me just once, “You have had to be an ADULT your entire childhood – I don’t think you know what it means to be a kid.” My sister tells me “Everything stresses her out”. I’ve suggested meditation, relaxation exercises, etc., she has excuse why she can’t try these. She’s gained a lot of weight and become diabetic. She lives alone, only has part time job. I’ve offered to help her go back to get any kind of training she’d interested in. She’s VERY artistic. Because of her medical condition and financial situation I’ve been trying to help her as best I can. I find she focuses on Negative people and situations constantly and so more negativity seems to come into her life as a result. She tried to see Psychologist but they kept changing the times of her appointments, it made my sister feel disrespected/unimportant so she stopped going instead of asking Psychologist why appointment time kept being changed. I’ve suggested books, websites, etc. Nothing seems to help. She just keeps saying she wishes we lived in same city. My fear is that nothing would change even if we did. She’s depressed a lot. I love her dearly, but also feel that we have grown into a codependent relationship which I Know is not healthy. BUT I fear IF I don’t remain in her life, something terrible will happen to her.

you can remain in her life, just remember that as the responsible child your tendency is to try to help and to feel like you hold another’s life in your hands. Your sister is responsible for her life. You can’t change her or fix her or even really help her: the way to healing is her path to take. and only hers.

How do you know me? How do you know me? Am I really visible to someone else all along? If I’m just a description like this (and it fits so well), does that mean I’m not dangerous or wrong or bad or deficient. I’m just like other people except those people whom I’m just like are hiding away too, so we don’t meet each other. I’d like a ship of Lost Children, where we’re trapped on a cruise together and our cabins are locked at certain times so we have to be together. I’d love someone to see me, know me. I’d love to let myself be me. But then, this Lost Child is me. Maybe I need to start there.

starting with you is good. And yes, you are visible to some of us who know how you handle life. it’s not wrong or bad…it’s just a coping strategy and it can be changed. good luck

thanks so much. it appears the lost child is me for sure. i have been creative in my addictions in order to numb myself. i’ve been sober for many yrs. from drugs and alcohol but still find other ways to numb my feelings. i met someone recently and she has my attention. we have discussed this and we’ll see what develops. whats interesting for me is that i haven’t even dated for over a decade and although i am often attracted in never lasts. i’m hoping to learn more about myself in all kinds of relationships again, thanks so much for your words and the comments of others

good luck in this new relationship Phil. it’s hard to commit to someone as the lost child. all the best

This is me. I am now 74 years old and have been sober for 25 years, yet, I still suffer from the ‘aloneness’ of being the lost child. Plan to attend another ACA meeting tonight, but the ones I have attended in the past have been about the problem and not the solution. Hope this one is different. I prefer solution vs problem. Thank you for you wisdom.

congratulations on your sobriety. what a wonderful accomplishment. I hear you about the meetings. of course the only thing we can do with meetings that don’t meet our needs is be the change we need to have. hard work, though, isn’t it?

good luck and thanks for stopping by.

Wow! You said not to self-diagnose, but that’s actually my husband who has buried his feelings for years. He has told me that it was easier not to say anything than to get into a fight. His affair is my fault because “You’ve pushed me away.” It’s easier for him to move on then work on the relationship he has because as he’s told me, “I didn’t say that I wanted to talk about feelings.” My question is now that he’s filed divorce papers, and I’m educating myself on this “illness”, how do I deal with someone who isn’t rational? How do I move forward with my life when he defers any question that I have that he has to make a decision on (i.e. short selling the house)?

This is such a hard situation to be in. Your analysis of his responses seems to be right on, given the little bit you’ve said. I can only sympathize with you. This was my ex-husband’s role as well and it’s frustrating as anything. (I’m a hero and I will bet you are too.) The one thing I learned was to never let him know how important something was to me. He had enough passive aggressiveness in h is personality that he’d stop me just because he could – it gave him some sense of of power, I think.

Occasionally I had some success with a reasonable agenda if someone else spoke to him in front of me and then I had papers ready for him to sign. He couldn’t back out. It didn’t feel very good, but it was sometimes the only way to get him moving before it cost a bunch of money. At one point he wanted to start a business with a guy i didn’t trust, so I said ‘sure’, but you have to sign away your dower rights to our paid off home. I figured he’d refuse but he didn’t, so I hired a lawyer and he signed away everything. Interesting that as soon as that was done, and he had limited access to our assets, his business partner lost interest in the idea.

take care of yourself. this is one of the most difficult situations you’ll ever be in.

Thanks for your reply. I don’t think I am a hero, but I think I’ve turned into that role as I have had to in order to move on. Are there any books, websites, articles or other resources that you know of that address how to deal with adult lost children? The reality is I’m going to have deal with him, and I would prefer not to get sucked in to his illness.

Can you reccommend books to read to help? Have you published? I am going to begin AA and OA, but it would be fantastic to find a workbook or some other material specifically for The Lost Child. I am a. 56 yr old lost child.

Thanks for being here,

the authors Charles Whitfield, Sharon Weigscheider-Cruse and Claudia Black all have books on this topic (unfortunately, I don’t). The role of the lost child is a hard one to recover from, because often people in this role are introverts to begin with. (Introverts naturally get their energy from being alone as opposed to a group of people.) You can never change your regular personality type but you can overcome the constructs of the role. At meetings, make a commitment to never let a meeting pass without saying something – even just your name and a hello to everyone. Make a call or two daily at best, weekly at least, to people in the rooms. these don’t have to be long calls but just a call to say hello and to reach out. this will be very hard. but remember program people are safe. they may not understand your situation, but they’ll do their best. Feel free to post here again or contact me and let me know how it’s going – it’s a slow process but it will work. Just be gentle on yourself.

That description is so “me”, few hours ago I stupidly lost a 100 bucks and started crying about it, because I felt stupid and useless and therefore, a burden. I think we lost children are so very afraid of being a burden, because that attracts attention towards us.

I think you’re right – we hate to be a bother and if we’re not perfect, then we might be a bother. Totally understand your situation.

This description fits me. I don’t use drugs or alcohol, but I have to keep my addictive tendencies in check. I’m still working on the seriousness part and developing and accomplishing my career goals. Your advice and descriptions of The Lost Child here have been so helpful. Thank you! My siblings and I continue to deal with issues stemming from our childhoods with two mentally ill parents (constant verbal abuse, occasional neglect, lack of affection, hoarded home, etc). As adults, our parents refused to have a relationship with any of us or our children. I eventually accepted this difficult reality – it was in a way how they’d always behaved. It helps that I’ve distanced myself from them – emotionally and we physically moved away. My parents’ health has steadily declined recently. My mother has called me to deny, minimize, and blame me for her past and current behavior. When I won’t accept that responsibility, *then* she apologizes and asks for forgiveness. This has happened several times. Do you have any advice for moving forward? (I’m not looking for them to admit wrongdoing or apologize. I know I did not cause their disinterest, but I’m just now starting to not *feel* that vague guilt.)

Wow! This is exactly what I needed to read. I am the classic middle child and one of my biggest worries is that I’m going to end up not being emotionally available for my own child, who has special needs and is a source of worry and anxiety for me. I am so grateful that you are up front that that is one of the dangers for us. So much of what I am doing, self-improvement wise, is to benefit my daughter, but there is a fine line between bettering oneself and becoming self-absorbed. This is giving me so much to think about. I wish there was a handbook on how to not screw up your child. Would you please write that??

oh don’t I wish I could write that. The important thing to remember is not to do the opposite of what was done to you – because the extremes are never good. and love them. I’m so glad you stopped by and that you found information that was valuable for you

Thank you for the response, and for sharing that story of the waitress. I can relate. From my own experience, I found that I spend so much of my time just overwhelmed by life, and feeling so taxed by all the conflict, drama, abuse, and lies that I didn’t have energy for anything else other than fighting the daily battle which was a struggle to determine what was true and what was not (for example – my version of reality that I’m being mistreated by others, or the alcoholics version of reality that I have mistreated and abused them).

So I never gave much though to what to do in life, what career to pursue, and am so distanced from myself and my feelings that I don’t even know how to approach that now. Simply getting out of bed and doing something constructive made any day a successful day, but very little time was devoted to goals, or a vision for what I wanted to do in life. I sometimes put together a plan, get excited and follow it for a while, and then fall off again as I don’t feel it is realistically going anywhere.

It has taken me a while to distance myself from my family, though unfortunately I’m not fully separated from the negative effects of being around them – but when I was closer to them, I was constantly pulled into arguments, then blamed for arguments from all sides, and put in a position where I felt I needed to bend to their will and accept their criticisms, or face the consequences of being ridiculed and abandoned.

I don’t have an ACA group within 25 miles, so haven’t been motivated to go. But one thing I find to be difficult is the need to mourn for the childhood I never had, while also acknowledging that I can’t go back and fix things. I sometimes feel inside of me that if I could be ‘adopted’ into a loving family and just be a welcome member of that group, that I could possibly get something from them that I never got before and haven’t got through meetings and psychologists – but based on my very nature, I have difficulty of forming a close relationship with anyone.

In working with lost (adult) children who never had the opportunity to be a kid when they were a kid, are there things you tell them to do now – not to ‘get back their childhood’ – but help them developmentally, get in touch with themselves, and learn new healthy ways of behaving/relating to the world around them?

You ask a very difficult question, because everything I do is directed to the person I’m working with. Think about this…you were born and your life was on a straight line path. Then the abuse happened and your life veered off to the side. In your case, that was probably a 90 degree turn. and then you’ve walked along that path. Time is passing but you’re not moving your life forward because you’re going perpendicular to the original life trajectory.

that is the trauma of child abuse. BUT you can change the trajectory and head straight up again. As I mentioned it’s lots of work, but it is possible. I don’t know you so I can only speak in generaliites. But we all have to change our thoughts from ‘they abused me’ to “i’ll show them’. We have to keep our distance from the abusers. We have to always remember that our thoughts control our emotions. Do you know that? What you think about creates how you feel. So it’s imperative that everytime you start thinking about the past, you look forward to the life you want. I wrote about the 4 stages of recovery from abuse. take a look at that. you’re in stage 1 and 2. back and forth, again from these few comments – I can’t say definitievely. So your choice is to allow the abuse to continue or to stop abusing you now, by allowing all that stuff to darken your future. Does that make sense? no new family will do it. we have to do it for ourselves. we have to re-parent ourselves. think about a kid at the age you were abused. read about childhood stages and ages. and then begin where your emotional growth was first thwarted and be as loving to you as you want someone else to be.

it alll sounds hokey, I’m sure, but that’s the basics of how I work with people in my practice. this is hard, since I can’t see you and our responding is slow, but it does work. i did it for myself, with a therapist, and I have helped many others overcome some ugly ugly stuff. good luck

I can attest to the difficulties of being the lost child:

I have 3 siblings, and as the 3rd child I was largely ignored growing up, and even now as an adult. I don’t remember ever having a meaningful conversation with either parent, was not encouraged to have hobbies or spend time was friends, and was not allowed to play sports or even an learn a musical instrument. The abuse, neglect, and lack of interest/support was bad enough, but to follow that up with relentless criticisms, personal attacks, and rage for not being perfect, or for things that were the alcoholic’s fault, or for just being a child is what sent things into an alternate reality.

I think it is important to emphasize how much a struggle it is, as someone from an alcoholic system, to decipher reality – when you are used to being lied to from a very young age, used to being told that you caused the problem, you made the problem worse, or you are the problem (which somehow justifies the poor treatment from others) – being told these things just didn’t feel right, but as a child I couldn’t explain why. As I got older, it became harder and harder to see clearly for myself – the relentless criticism and attacks eroded any self esteem, self worth, and any boundaries that may have existed. As a child, I found myself taking on parental responsibilities for things which impacted me that had been neglected for far too long, to only then be criticized relentlessly by every member of my family for not doing a good enough job at whatever I was doing. And when you experience this as a very young child, this becomes ‘normal’ even though it just doesn’t feel right.

As an adult, I still struggle with many issues. Employment – in many jobs, I somehow attract people who remind me of my father and am guaranteed to have problems with that person. I am used to people talking down to me or disrespecting me, in fact, I often don’t even notice it until someone else points it out. I have periods where I am super-responsible and get little credit/attention, followed by periods where I completely fall off and just can’t function normally, and all of a sudden have everyone’s attention. I struggle with relationships/isolation – while I’m not as afraid of other people and actively try to counter things I may have unknowingly generalized in the past (like people ‘can’t be trusted’), I find that now I just don’t know how to relate to others, how to communicate with others, or how to just form healthy relationships or friendships (I really do feel ‘lost’, and its actually quite painful).

Complicating this is how difficult this is to talk about with others. Many people may just not know how to respond if you were to tell them this. And to an outside observer, I think I look quite normal actually – I learned from a young age to hide my feelings and not talk about things like this, for criticism that I would just be blaming others for my problems or making an excuse. When I have disclosed my struggles with others, it either scares them off or they seem so confused that they proceed to question me to the point where it feels like I have to justify myself and ‘prove my version of reality’ (much like I fought so hard to do in my family and failed every time at). Or they may minimize it by saying ‘thats normal’, ‘no one comes from a perfect family’, ‘just suck it up’.

I’ve been to psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and al-anon groups, ranging from just a few sessions to over a year at a time, but I’m still plagued by having no sense of direction, extreme difficulty making decisions in life, never feeling like I fit in or belong, and an almost complete social isolation and inability to connect to others. I’ve repeated certain patterns in my life enough times to know things are far from normal, and am at a loss for how to proceed.

The article above says the lost child must ‘confront rage and fear’ and recognize the past – can anyone share how one does that or what exactly that means? Anyone have examples exemplifying the healing process, things they did or challenges they had, particularly for the lost child? Or ways to reach out to empathetic others that may be in a position to help?

Thanks for the blog, and the wonderful work you do!

Thank you for the detailed, personal comment. As you know, I specifically didn’t direct these posts only to adult children of alcoholics for many of the reasons you mention. When we grow up in environments that tell us we’re crazy because we see the drinking as the problem, we begin to doubt ourselves and our view of the world. We question everything about ourselves and our wishes, desires and drives, because we’re repeatedly told that we’re crazy, lying or just a total screw up. For the lost child, criticism is relentless. It’s part of what drives the child and later the adult into their hidey hole. So many, as you mentioned, come out of the cave and try really, really hard, but many of lack the social interaction skills and personal skills to successfully function over the long haul. We can do it for awhile but then life beats us down again.

I have a client in this position right now. After many years of work, she decided to leave her physical job (waitressing) and go to school and become a a bookkkeeper. But she’s in a hurry to get a job, so she chose a school that doesn’t have the best results and has finished (with honors) but now can’t find a job in that field. So she’s waitressing and struggling with depression and the almost overwhelming desire to give up and stay in her cocoon of waitressing. Which is really ironic, since she doesn’t like people.

The lost child is one of the most difficult roles to heal for all of the reasons you stated. In my experience (and only my experience) a year of anything will not be enough to get a lost child over the hump. this client came weekly for a year or 2 then bi weekly and now monthly, just to keep in touch and on track. we’ve been doing the monthly thing for 4 years, at least. it’s been 7 years we’ve worked together. She’s gone to AA steadily all that time, but hasn’t found much value at Al-Anon.

Have you tried adult children of alcoholics? it’s a separate fellowship from al-anon (not just alanon meetings) and is very good. I had some great healing there. But as with anything, it’s important to find the group that works for you and that won’t likely be the one that works for me.

thanks again for stopping by. I’m not sure i’ve answered your question, but feel free to add more if you’re of a mind to do so. Hugs

My first marriage was to an alcoholic. We have two daughters together. They are now 28 and 30. I found Al-Anon about halfway through the marriage and it saved my life!! We were married for 12 years before it ended in divorce. Now both my daughters are adult children of an alcoholic. My oldest is really struggling. They know I attended Al-Anon for years. I have tried planting seeds… but realize I am powerless. I can’t change people, places and things. I raised them with faith in God. My oldest goes to church and has a strong faith. But she is dealing with some deep emotions and pain. I know it’s all adult child stuff! We don’t live in the same state anymore. I am visiting her this weekend. She started expressing her pain again yesterday. Everything she describes sounds like The Lost Child role. Which is ironic because she is the oldest. I know there is definitely The Hero role too. But major lost child stuff. She talks a lot about feeling invisible. She has intense sadness. Yesterday I talked to her about the roles and told her that hers sound exactly like The Lost Child.’ I am going to direct her to this page today and let her read. I will put it all in God’s hands.

we can only put our adult children in God’s hands. it’s so hard for us to do, since we know where the answers are and how to find them. keep her in your prayers.

There are many of them, unfortunately! And it’s not exclusive to a partilcaur country or culture, I suppose. It’s a kind of gloomy picture because I have seen many of my students from South Korea, China, and Saudi Arabia who fit your criteria..

Subhan Zein

Yes there are many lost children, unfortunately. I have limited experience of other cultures, so will take your word for it. thanks for stopping by.

Thank you, I had a joyride in your blog, now I’d like to kindly invite you to visit mine! 🙂

it’s lovely, Subhan. Very uplifting. I look forward to seein gyour posts. Now i”m off to bed. good night

Thank your for taking a chance visiting me and for your sweet comment! 🙂 Have a good evening! 🙂

How wonderful that you’ve been able to deal with your pasts and come together and bring out the best in each other. that’s so exciting. and I’m doubly glad you can use this for writing. bonus.

Still loving this series! I’m pretty sure my husband is a lost child, but somehow we’ve managed to form a deep bond, probably because I never gave up on him (and he me). Anyway, always great information for our characters. This post in particular will help me with my protagonist in my fiction piece. Can’t wait for more.

This was truly interesting. I have become aware only recently of patterns in my life. My gosh, however do we fall into patterns – and worse, bad ones…

The explanations I’ve provided are at the very far end of the spectrum, to assist people in understanding their behavior. But yes, we all are a product, partially of our environment and it usually results in some behavior patterns.

Another interesting post, Louise. Always insightful.

Thanks for sharing your knowledge on this subject. No wonder there are so many different kinds of people in the world. So many different stressors that affect behavior.

Patricia Rickrode w/a Jansen Schmidt

once we start looking at these patterns, diversity is obvious, isn’t it?

Good Morning! I nominate you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! That you are indeed! http://step-on-a-crack.com/2012/03/15/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award/ Peace, Jen

I am honored and surprised to say the least. thank you so much Jen. I’m going to have to think abit about who to share it with. I

I was immensely fortunate to have a grandmother I loved, cousins I played with, two aunts and an uncle I loved – although I lost them all when we moved to live with my Dad, an elder brother who was a surrogate father to me (whom I adore to this day) and a mother who was a very loving individual – although very controlled (distant) because she was constantly exhausted from running a business, managing a home, and being a farm wife.

When I had a child I was almost smothering in my devotion. I poured everything into her I’d missed and found out that ain’t such a good thing, either. Both ends of the spectrum are a form of imblance. She’s since told me that she felt as if my attemtps to help her life be perfect meant she was incapable of doing anything herself (never my intent). It is a wonder any of us are sane, I suppose!

Food became the drug of choice in my life to sooth the hurts. It didn’t happen overnight and I thought I was over that, but apparently food is not done with me yet, although I would love to be done with “it.” So back to step one I go! At least there are steps!

It is an excellent description and, again, I think you’ll find variations on a theme with the E-6 – the poorly adjusted, moderately adjusted, and actualized.

yes, food was my drug of choice as well. and I agre, thank God for the steps. It’s funny how we either repeat what happened to us or do something totally different. Either end of the pendulum is not good for our children.

thanks for sharing.

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The Path to Joy After the Loss of a Child

Are you navigating a difficult time of grief? Abide can offer comfort and support. Download the app for Christian meditations on grief that guide you through Scripture and gentle practices to find solace and healing. Download Abide for free today . 

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Losing a child is one of the greatest tragedies that could befall any parent. In your grief, you might feel confused and full of despair, asking why this happened to you. It can seem like there will never be joy in your life again. Even though your sorrow may feel deep and impenetrable, joy can still exist despite unimaginable sorrow. It is possible to open your heart and find peace amid great loss. Jesus is a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief ( Isaiah 53:3 ). He understands the depths of your grief. There is no magic formula that will take away your pain, but may these tips help you find your joy again. Take courage today as you continue on your path to joy and growing closer to God during this difficult time.

Acknowledging the Loss and Embracing Your Feelings

Grief is a powerful emotion that can consume you in ways you never imagined possible. Grieving the loss of a child, no matter what age they were, is a painful process that cannot be rushed. Embracing the feelings associated with this devastating loss will help you keep moving toward healing and along the path to joy. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” You are not alone in your suffering. God weeps with you at the sorrow that accompanies you in this broken world. Consider talking to a professional counselor or attending a grief support group to help you process your emotions. Grief is a journey that requires patience and compassion. You will always bear the scars, but you can find joy again.

Finding Comfort in Prayer and Scripture

It’s easy to blame God for your loss when you feel empty, broken, and lost. God is not afraid of those feelings, nor does he condemn you for them. Express how you feel to him, and then let him comfort you through his Word. Read the stories of Job , Joseph , and David (in multiple psalms), who endured great sorrow but remained steadfast in their faith. Draw strength from the words of Jesus, who promised that those who mourn shall be comforted ( Matthew 5:4 ). Second Corinthians 1 reminds us of the comfort that Jesus brings: “For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” Through prayer, you can talk to God and find solace in his presence. Though your heart will never fully heal, find hope in the assurance that your child rests in the arms of your Heavenly Father.

Seeking Support from Others

In times of struggle, seeking support from others is crucial for emotional healing. Losing a child can be an overwhelming experience, and navigating the journey of grief can be an uphill battle. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a display of strength. By reaching out to loved ones, your pastor, or a support group, you take a step toward accepting the reality of your loss and processing the pain that accompanies it. There is no shame in asking for help, and in doing so, you may find comfort and solace in the support of others. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Lean on your community and rely on their support to help you navigate this trying time.

Taking Care of Yourself

In times of tragedy, it can be difficult to take care of yourself. Your heart may ache, and your mind may spiral into a place of despair. By remembering to take care of yourself, you can strengthen your spirit and emerge from the darkness with renewed hope. Engage in activities that bring peace to your soul. Read a good book, take a walk in nature, or meditate on God’s Word. Allow time for rest and reflection. Remember to eat healthy meals and stay hydrated. Allow others to provide healthy meals for you. Listen to your body and do what you need, not what someone else might tell you to do. Self-care is not selfish. It is a testament to your resilience and commitment to follow the path to joy through your tremendous loss.

Celebrating Life and Creating Positive Experiences

Losing a child is a trial and sorrow that is bound to test the very depths of your faith. Yet, even in the midst of such pain, remember that life is still worth living. It is a gift, full of memories waiting to be made. Perhaps the greatest way to honor the life of your precious child is to celebrate life anew. Create new experiences and make new memories. Indeed, nothing can bring back what you have lost, but it is never too late to start anew and cherish the moments you have been blessed with. Be comforted by your memories, and then begin to build new ones along your path to joy.

Moving Forward with Hope on the Path to Joy

Even though it may feel like the world is spinning out of control, God is still in control. His plan is for your good. He will redeem all things—even the death of a child. As a follower of Jesus, you do not mourn as others mourn. You have hope in him. Yes, you mourn, but with the knowledge that you will live in eternity with your beloved child. Trust that God will guide you through this darkness and help you find your way back into the light. Psalm 30:11-12 says, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” Though the road ahead may be long and difficult, hold onto hope in the promise of a brighter tomorrow and a greater purpose for your life.

Grief can be overwhelming. You are never alone. God understands your pain and gives you hope and strength when you seek him through prayer and meditation on his Word. By reaching out for support to others who understand your feelings of loss, replenishing your energy through self-care, making new memories to honor lost ones, and looking ahead with trust in God’s plan, you can slowly learn to find joy again. To assist you on your path toward healing, you can download the Abide app and find peace through daily meditations and sleep stories. These meditations offer comfort for those dealing with grief. Download Abide today to help you find the path to joy

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The Lost Child Summary

Summarizing literature is a delicate task that involves distilling the crux of a story into a concise form without stripping away its soul. It is an essential skill, useful in academia and various professional fields, as it allows one to capture the essence of a piece for readers who may not have the time or access to the full text. In this article, we will demonstrate the art of summarizing by focusing on “The Lost Child” by Mulk Raj Anand, a touching narrative that explores themes of innocence, desire, and the sharp sting of loss.

Table of Contents

Understanding “The Lost Child”

Before diving into the summary, a thorough understanding of the story is crucial. “The Lost Child” is set in rural India, against the backdrop of a bustling village fair. It follows the story of a young boy who becomes separated from his parents amidst the festivities and, through his experiences, comes to a deep understanding about the nature of desire and the importance of familial love.

The Narrative

The story commences with the child joining his parents on a visit to the fair, filled with excitement and wonder. He is captivated by the myriad of stalls selling sweets, toys, and balloons, and he is equally fascinated by the natural beauty that surrounds him. Each time he expresses a wish for something, his parents offer a gentle refusal, redirecting his attention elsewhere.

The pivotal moment occurs when the child, distracted by the sights and sounds, loses track of his parents. His initial thrill is replaced by a growing sense of panic as he navigates through the sea of strangers. When a kind man attempts to console him by offering various treats, the boy’s only wish is to find his parents, indicating a shift in his desires from material objects to the need for love and security.

Characters and Themes

The protagonist of “The Lost Child” is an unnamed boy who represents the innocence and naivety of childhood. His parents stand as figures of safety and comfort. The stranger’s kindness provides a contrast to the boy’s internal struggle, illustrating the child’s ultimate realization of what he values most.

The story addresses the fleeting nature of desires, the awakening to what truly matters, and the universal experience of a child’s unconditional love for their parents. These themes are woven into the events of the narrative and are essential to include in any summary of the story.

Techniques for Writing a Summary

When writing a summary, one must consider several key components: brevity, clarity, and the preservation of the narrative’s core elements. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to encapsulate “The Lost Child” into a concise summary.

Introduce the Story

Begin by setting the context with the story’s basic information:

“Mulk Raj Anand’s short story ‘The Lost Child’ takes place at a village fair, where a young boy experiences the thrills of the festivities only to face the terror of separation from his parents.”

Distill the Main Plot

The body of the summary should include the central plot points. It is essential to recount the child’s journey, his captivation by the fair, the moment of separation, and his subsequent distress.

“As the child indulges in the fair’s delights, pleading for gifts that his parents gently deny, he inadvertently becomes separated from them. Overcome by the fear of being alone amidst the crowd, the boy’s earlier wishes for toys and treats give way to his desperate need to find his parents.”

Address the Climax and Resolution

Summarize the story’s climax, where the child’s internal transformation occurs, and how the narrative resolves.

“When a kind stranger tries to alleviate the child’s fear by offering him various indulgences, the boy, now inconsolable, realizes that his true desire is not for the material pleasures of the fair but for the comfort of his parents’ presence.”

Include Themes and Characters

Integrate the story’s themes and character insights within the summary to provide depth and understanding of the narrative’s message.

“Anand’s story is a poignant exploration of the ephemeral nature of human desires against the enduring need for familial connection. The boy’s ordeal at the fair leads him to an epiphany about the paramount importance of his parents’ love over the transient temptations of the world.”

Conclude with a Final Statement

End with a sentence that encapsulates the essence of the story, offering a sense of closure to the summary.

“In ‘The Lost Child’, Anand masterfully portrays the journey from innocence to maturity, reminding us of the profound simplicity in a child’s love for their parents.”

A Complete Summary of “The Lost Child”

Mulk Raj Anand’s “The Lost Child” is set amidst the vibrant atmosphere of an Indian village fair. A young boy, full of wonder and curiosity, accompanies his parents to experience the fair’s offerings. Engrossed by the colorful stalls selling toys, sweets, and balloons, he finds himself in awe of both the man-made and natural wonders around him. Each request for a trinket or treat is met with his parents’ gentle but firm refusal, redirecting his attention to the beauty of the mustard fields or the spirit of the fair itself.

Tragedy strikes when, in a moment of distraction, the child loses sight of his parents. His initial delight turns to dread as he realizes he is alone in the crowd. Frantically, he searches for them, his previous desires for petty amusements replaced by an overwhelming longing for the security his parents provide.

At the height of his despair, a kind stranger attempts to comfort the lost child by offering him various attractions of the fair. But the boy’s heart is no longer captivated by such offerings; all he wants is his parents. The stranger’s inability to reunite him with his family only amplifies the child’s sense of loss and helplessness.

The narrative culminates in the boy’s poignant realization that above all the ephemeral joys of the world, it is the unwavering love and safety found in his parents’ arms that he cherishes the most. Through the boy’s eyes, readers are reminded of the transient nature of desires and the profound bond between parent and child.

Anand’s “The Lost Child” is a powerful commentary on the simplicity and purity of a child’s heart, which holds love and security above all else. The story, rich with cultural nuances and universal emotions, encapsulates the journey from innocence to a deeper understanding of life’s true values.

In summarizing “The Lost Child,” one must focus on the emotional trajectory of the protagonist—a trajectory that begins with innocent yearning and culminates in a painful, yet enlightening, emotional maturity. Anand’s narrative is not merely a story of a boy who got lost; it is a metaphor for the human condition, reflecting our innate quest for belonging and the realization of what is genuinely indispensable in our lives.

By condensing the essence of “The Lost Child” into a summary, we not only recount the tale but also capture the story’s heart—the universal theme of the innocence of youth and the transformative power of love and loss. This is the mark of a successful summary: to leave the reader with both the narrative’s outline and its emotional impact, resonating long after the last word has been read.

About Mr. Greg

Mr. Greg is an English teacher from Edinburgh, Scotland, currently based in Hong Kong. He has over 5 years teaching experience and recently completed his PGCE at the University of Essex Online. In 2013, he graduated from Edinburgh Napier University with a BEng(Hons) in Computing, with a focus on social media.

Mr. Greg’s English Cloud was created in 2020 during the pandemic, aiming to provide students and parents with resources to help facilitate their learning at home.

Whatsapp: +85259609792

[email protected]

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Journey of a Lost Child: Cries of a Child Paperback – May 18, 2007

• Print length 124 pages
• Language English
• Publisher Outskirts Pr
• Publication date May 18, 2007
• Dimensions 5.51 x 0.29 x 8.5 inches
• ISBN-10 1432704052
• ISBN-13 978-1432704056
• See all details

Product details

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Outskirts Pr (May 18, 2007)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 124 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1432704052
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1432704056
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 5.7 ounces
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.51 x 0.29 x 8.5 inches
• #6,475 in Child Abuse (Books)
• #13,922 in Abuse Self-Help

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Jennifer kurdyla, more online by jennifer kurdyla.

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The Story of the Lost Child

By elena ferrante, translated by ann goldstein, reviewed by jennifer kurdyla.

I grew up hearing stories about my mother’s mother: about her tiny ears, about how she fed a family of six children with one corner cabinet of groceries, about her only piece of jewelry, a single gold charm bracelet. This kind of lore often drives our continuous fascination with maternity, despite its many potential sources of resentment and unhappiness.

Throughout her work, but especially in her Neapolitan Novels quartet and its final installment, The Story of the Lost Child , just named a Top Ten Book of the Year by The New York Times , Elena Ferrante explores a very different side of motherhood and of all female relationships. In the tale of lifelong friends Elena and Lila, which spans the second half of the twentieth century, Ferrante gives us characters who think things like, “Where is it written that lives should have a meaning?” These are not cookie-baking moms. Elena and Lila’s carnal sexuality, their sense of vengeance, and their loyalty to each other have spawned a revolution around the world. Rather than by upending patriarchal society, Ferrante suggests that women derive their power from the unknowns of femininity. As a writer who has remained anonymous throughout her career, she embodies this credo.

By the quartet’s fourth book, Elena and Lila’s dramas might no longer seem shocking to readers. As girls they endured hardships of every stripe, with long periods of separation that made these things at once easier and more difficult to bear. But The Story of the Lost Child takes the drama to a new height; as the two women enter their forties, their travails are exacerbated to include mafia murders and conspiracies, drugs in the neighborhood, and the revelation of affairs, pregnancies, and secret children. Ferrante’s short chapters make for rapid scene cuts that perfectly match the propulsive quality of the narration. They also reflect the mercurial mind of our narrator, Elena, as she pens the story of her friendship in painstaking detail, preserving every feeling and focusing our attention on these very particular, unforgettable lives.

Throughout the book, Ferrante uses the tropes of motherhood as a grounding device. Lila and Elena are always mothers, daughters, and sisters. But as friends, they’re constantly at odds with one another. Their pregnancies are simultaneous: tortuous for the former, organic for the latter. Then, after their two daughters, nicknamed Tina and Imma, are born, it’s Lila who ironically radiates enough motherly affection for both little girls, while Elena becomes reabsorbed in her writing career. At the same time, Elena realizes that her own mother’s sickness enables her to be comfortable around her. “When she embraced me before I left,” she says, “it was as if she meant to slip inside me and stay there, as once I had been inside her. That contact with her body, which had irritated me when she was healthy, I now liked.”

For Lila, the pain of motherhood engenders a different outcome, one that provides the most dramatic event of the novel, as well as its title. It also gives meaning to Elena’s struggle to tell the story of this friendship in the pages we read and in other books she writes in the novel. The “lost child” is not only literal, a mystery that no one in the novel solves, but symbolic of the two women whose own childhoods are lost to the fact that, in order to be adults—and mothers themselves—they have to eclipse their own daughters’ wants and desires.

When Lila, who is less able to fulfill her own desires in life, is faced with the lack of an alternative identity as a mother, she, who was “so active, so courageous—erased herself, and terrified, became nothing.”

Elena’s attempt to un-erase her friend is as much a final defiant act of dominance as it is a testament to her quest “to seek on the page a balance between her and me that in life I couldn’t find even between myself and me.” The resulting ambiguity may not be a perfect “balance,” but it is an authentic conclusion to this messy, angry novel. It underscores Elena’s statement that “Unlike stories, real life, when it has passed, inclines toward obscurity, not clarity.” These novels don’t seek to find what’s lost, but to pay homage to the way that losing is, itself, divine.

Published on December 7, 2015

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15 episodes

Welcome to 'The Lost Child Podcast,' a space where we navigate the difficult journey of losing a child, exploring what healing looks like, and sharing stories of resilience. We are Blake & Camille Wasden, the hosts of this podcast. Most of the content will be us interviewing parents who have had a child pass away. This podcast is a tribute to our beloved 6-year-old, Sunni, who tragically died in July of 2023. This has been the hardest thing we've gone through (having our child die). Whether it's dealing with the profound impact of suicide, illness, or tragedy, we're here to help others who are facing similar struggles. Join us as we share our experiences, offer support, and shed light on the unique challenges of this heartbreaking journey. Together, let's find strength, healing, and hope.

Lost Child Podcast Blake and Camille Wasden

• Society & Culture
• 5.0 • 34 Ratings
• MAR 31, 2024

A Mother's Heartbreak 💔 from Loss: Sunni and Camille's Bond Lives On

In Episode 013 of The Lost Child Podcast, we sit down with Camille, the mother of Sunni, as she bravely shares her story. Like A River - Book Amazon Affiliate Link Support The Pod on Patreon Camille recounts the tragic accident involving Sunni and the profound impact it has had on her life. Camille lovingly describes Sunni's bright personality and the amazing person she was, highlighting the depth of her loss. She opens up about the challenges of forgiving herself as a parent when faced with the unimaginable tragedy of losing a child. Join us as Camille offers a poignant reflection on grief, loss, and the complex emotions that accompany such a profound loss. Her story is a testament to the enduring love between a mother and her child, and the resilience of the human spirit.

• MAR 24, 2024

6-Months Since My Daughters Death: Sunni's Story 🌻

In Episode 012 of The Lost Child Podcast, we sit down with Blake (me, the co-creator of this podcast) Like A River - Book Amazon Affiliate Link Support The Pod on Patreon I open up about the tragic loss of my daughter, Sunni. At just 6 years old, Sunni's life was cut short in a terrible boating accident in July. I share the heart-wrenching moments leading up to Sunni's death and the profound impact her passing has had on me. I delve into the range of feelings and emotions I have experienced since that fateful day, including the ongoing struggles I face. Join me as I candidly discuss my relationship with God and my journey of healing. I share my most intimate thoughts, including moments of darkness and the profound love I continue to hold for Sunni. This episode serves as a 6-month update since Sunni's passing, offering a raw and honest reflection on grief, loss, and the enduring power of love.

• 2 hr 15 min
• MAR 17, 2024

A Father's Mission: Preventing Tragedy After Losing Rex

In Episode 011 of The Lost Child Podcast, we are joined by John and Colleen Harrington, who share the poignant story of their son, Rex. Like A River - Book Amazon Affiliate Link Support The Pod on Patreon Tragically, at just 18 months old, Rex drowned in a pool, leaving a profound impact on John and his family. Following Rex's passing in the 1980s, John channeled his grief into action, becoming heavily involved in the drowning coalition. He worked tirelessly to prevent other child drownings, advocating for barrier codes and safety measures in cities across the country. Join us as John and Colleen reflect on Rex's life, their ongoing grief, and John's mission to honor Rex's memory by saving lives. Their story is a powerful reminder of the enduring impact of loss and the strength that can be found in advocacy and love.

• MAR 10, 2024

Self-Care After Loss: Levi's Legacy

In Episode 010 of The Lost Child Podcast, we hear Julia's heartfelt story of her son, Levi, who tragically drowned in a pool at the age of 5. Levi was on the autism spectrum, adding layers of complexity to Julia's grief. Like A River - Book Amazon Affiliate Link Support The Pod on Patreon Julia opens up about the challenges of continuing as a parent after losing Levi and emphasizes the importance of self-care. She shares that taking care of herself first is essential in order to care for her other children and navigate the ongoing journey of grief. Join us as Julia's story highlights the strength found in self-care and the resilience of a mother's love. Through her experience, we are reminded of the importance of prioritizing our own well-being, especially in the face of unimaginable loss.

• MAR 3, 2024

Walking Out of the Grief 'DESERT' 🐪 After Loss: Ryan's Story

In Episode 009 of The Lost Child Podcast, we embark on a journey of healing with Marlon as he shares the story of his son, Ryan. At the age of 27, Ryan's life was tragically cut short in a car accident, leaving Marlon to navigate the challenging terrain of grief and loss. Like A River - Book Amazon Affiliate Link Marlon found solace and strength in his faith, turning to God through prayer and scripture study to guide him through the darkest moments of his life. Music also became a source of comfort, with Marlon even playing the guitar when he received the heartbreaking news of Ryan's passing. Join us as Marlon reminisces about the adventurous and cherished moments he shared with Ryan, particularly their reptile-hunting escapades. Through Marlon's journey, we are reminded that even in the depths of grief, there is a path forward towards healing and hope.

• 1 hr 17 min
• FEB 25, 2024

Love Endures Loss: Ashlie & Jenika's Stories

In Episode 008 of The Lost Child Podcast, we sit down with Maralyn, a mother whose life has been marked by unimaginable loss. Maralyn shares the heartbreaking stories of her daughters, Ashlie and Jenika, whose lives were tragically cut short. Support The Pod on Patreon At just 12 years old, Ashlie passed away due to an undiagnosed brain tumor, leaving a void in Maralyn's life that could never be filled. The loss of Ashlie had a profound impact on the family, including Jenika, who struggled with the aftermath. Tragically, Jenika's life took a dark turn, leading to her involvement with drugs and her untimely death under suspicious circumstances three years after Ashlie. The search for answers continued for over five years until Jenika's remains were finally found. Join us as Maralyn opens up about her journey of grief, resilience, and the enduring love she holds for her daughters. Through the pain, Maralyn's story is a testament to the strength of a mother's love and the enduring power of the human spirit.

Customer Reviews

Thank you for sharing your heart with us during a very traumatic time in your life. I’ve learned so much listening to your pod cast.

Tears of Gratitude

We lost our 24 year old son in a motorcycle accident the day after Christmas last year, 2023. A friend of a friend told me about this podcast. I laid in bed and listened to why these inspired parents started this podcast. Tears of gratitude and sorrow kept welling up as their story and emotions mirrored everything that I am feeling. Thank you for helping me along this seemingly impossible journey of losing my boy.

Helpful Perspective

Excellent resource for families grieving and also a great tool for people who want to know ways to help others with their grief.

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Lost Child Ending Explained

[ad_1] Lost Child Ending Explained: Unveiling the Mysteries of the Film

Released in 2024, Lost Child is a psychological thriller that has captivated audiences with its intricate plot and thought-provoking themes. Directed by an auteur known for his ability to create suspenseful narratives, the film takes viewers on an unsettling journey through the mind of a lost child. In this article, we will delve into the enigmatic ending of Lost Child, providing a comprehensive explanation along with seven fascinating facts. Additionally, we will address fourteen commonly asked questions regarding the movie, providing concise and informative answers. Finally, we will conclude with our final thoughts on this gripping cinematic experience.

Ending Explained:

The ending of Lost Child leaves viewers with a myriad of unanswered questions, igniting debates and discussions among fans. It is crucial to analyze the film’s various elements to gain a deeper understanding of its conclusion. Throughout the movie, the protagonist, a young girl named Emily, seeks to find her missing family. Her journey leads her to a secluded cabin in the woods, where she uncovers a horrifying truth. As the film reaches its climax, Emily discovers that she is the one responsible for her family’s disappearance. The trauma she experienced as a child caused her to dissociate from reality, creating an alternate personality who committed the heinous acts.

1. The Duality of Emily:

One of the most intriguing aspects of Lost Child is the duality of Emily’s character. Her dissociative identity disorder manifests as an alter ego, a sinister version of herself. This alter ego, fueled by the pain of her past, takes control whenever Emily cannot cope with her emotions.

2. Symbolism in the Cabin:

The secluded cabin serves as a metaphorical representation of Emily’s fragmented mind. It represents the depths of her subconscious, where her alter ego resides. The cabin’s eerie atmosphere mirrors the darkness within Emily’s psyche.

3. The Role of the Doll:

Throughout the film, Emily is seen clutching a doll tightly. This doll symbolizes her innocence and her desire to protect herself from the harsh realities of the world. However, as the story progresses, the doll transforms into a malevolent presence, reflecting the corruption of Emily’s mind.

4. The Haunting Song:

A haunting lullaby recurs throughout the film, intensifying the sense of unease. The lyrics of the song allude to Emily’s traumatic past and her struggle to escape the grasp of her alter ego. The song acts as a constant reminder of the horrors she has endured.

5. The Dark Mirror:

In a climactic scene, Emily confronts her alter ego in front of a mirror. This symbolic encounter signifies her realization and acceptance of her fragmented psyche. It is a pivotal moment of self-discovery and the first step towards healing.

6. Ambiguity in the Final Scene:

The final scene of Lost Child leaves viewers with an ambiguous ending, open to interpretation. Emily is seen walking away from the cabin, leaving behind her alter ego and the traumatic memories associated with it. This scene implies that she has finally found closure and is ready to embark on a new chapter of her life.

7. The Power of Redemption:

Lost Child ultimately explores the power of redemption and the resilience of the human spirit. It showcases the protagonist’s ability to confront her darkest demons and find solace within herself. The film reminds us that even in the face of unimaginable pain, healing and forgiveness are possible.

Common Questions and Answers:

1. Q: Is Lost Child based on a true story?

A: No, Lost Child is a work of fiction.

2. Q: What is the significance of the film’s title?

A: The title “Lost Child” refers not only to Emily’s lost family but also to her own lost sense of self.

3. Q: Are there any hidden clues throughout the film?

A: Yes, the film is filled with subtle hints and foreshadowing that provide insight into the twist ending.

4. Q: Who is the director of Lost Child?

A: The director of Lost Child is a renowned auteur known for his psychological thrillers.

5. Q: What are the main themes explored in the film?

A: The film delves into themes of trauma, identity, and the power of self-discovery.

6. Q: Why does Emily’s alter ego commit such heinous acts?

A: Emily’s alter ego is a manifestation of her repressed trauma and serves as a coping mechanism for her overwhelming emotions.

7. Q: What role does the supporting character play in the story?

A: The supporting character serves as a guiding force for Emily, leading her towards self-realization.

8. Q: Is there a hidden message within the haunting lullaby?

A: The lullaby serves as a reminder of Emily’s past and her journey towards healing and redemption.

9. Q: Does the film offer any commentary on mental health?

A: Yes, Lost Child sheds light on dissociative identity disorder and its impact on individuals’ lives.

10. Q: What is the significance of the mirror scene?

A: The mirror scene represents Emily’s acceptance of her alter ego and her journey towards self-integration.

11. Q: Is there a possibility of a sequel?

A: The ending of Lost Child leaves room for interpretation, making a sequel a possibility.

12. Q: What inspired the director to create Lost Child?

A: The director drew inspiration from real-life stories of individuals battling dissociative identity disorder.

13. Q: What was the significance of the doll’s transformation?

A: The doll’s transformation symbolizes the corruption of Emily’s innocence and the intrusion of her alter ego.

14. Q: Can viewers expect a happy ending?

A: While the ending is open to interpretation, it offers a sense of closure and the potential for a new beginning.

Final Thoughts:

Lost Child is a cinematic masterpiece that delves deep into the human psyche and the power of redemption. Through its intricate plot, symbolism, and thought-provoking themes, the film takes viewers on a haunting journey. The ending, with its revelations and ambiguous resolution, leaves audiences pondering the complexities of the human mind. As professionals in the field have noted, Lost Child provides a profound exploration of dissociative identity disorder and the impact of trauma on an individual’s psyche. It serves as a reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the possibilities of self-discovery and healing even in the darkest of times. [ad_2]

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Silent Grief by Clara Hinton  Writing primarily to those who have suffered miscarriage, Hinton also provides hope and encouragement for those who have given birth to a stillborn child, lost an adult child to accident or illness, or whose child is missing.

Surviving the Loss of a Child by Elizabeth B. Brown “Support for Grieving Parents”

A Symphony in the Dark: Hearing God’s Voice in Seasons of Grief by Rebecca Rainey-Mutz and Barbara Rainey (not currently available through Focus on the Family) A mother and grandmother share their emotional and spiritual journeys through the birth, brief life, and death of their little one to speak to the unique grief that accompanies the passing of an infant. They encourage others with the ultimate hope we embrace in Christ’s victory over death.

When Your Family’s Lost a Loved One by David Guthrie and Nancy Guthrie Reminders are everywhere—a silent crib, an unused pillow… There’s no avoiding the pain, and each family member will grieve in his or her own way. But it is possible to find hope, joy, and unity together again. Sharing from their personal journey through loss, the Guthries offer practical, compassionate help.

Choosing Life in the Midst of an Adverse Pregnancy – Part I , Part II (Todd and Angie Smith) Advised to terminate the pregnancy of their fourth daughter because she likely wouldn’t survive outside the womb, the Smiths chose life instead—and were blessed to love on Audrey Caroline during the few hours she lived after birth. They share their story and faith to encourage others who face difficult pregnancies or who have suffered the heartrending loss of a child.

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One (David and Nancy Guthrie)  Losing two infants to the same genetic disorder, the Guthries share candidly about their journey through grief—and about the importance of faith in God’s sovereignty.

Dealing With Loss and Grief in an Adverse Pregnancy (Josh and Laura Huene) The Huenes share the heartbreaking story of the death of their baby daughter shortly after birth. They offer hope and encouragement to other parents suffering a similar loss.

Seeing God in the Wake of Loss (Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman) In 2008, singer-songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, lost their 5-year-old daughter, Maria Sue, in a tragic accident. Together, they share their heartrending story and describe how God has sustained and comforted them in the wake of their loss.

Coping With Death and Grief

Resource Lists

• Comfort & Encouragement  
• Grief & Loss  
• Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss

Focus on the Family Counseling Consultation Line If you need someone to talk to, Focus on the Family offers a free phone counseling consultation with a licensed or pastoral counselor. Call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) , Monday through Friday, 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM (MT). 

Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselor Network Search for licensed Christian counselors in your area.

BASIS and C2H2 (Handi*Vangelism Ministries) These programs minister to parents who have lost a child to death, as well as to children and teens grieving the loss of a loved one. They offer individual contacts, grief support groups, retreats, newsletters, and other resources.

The Compassionate Friends, Inc. Compassionate Friends assists families in processing grief following the death of a child of any age, and they provide information to help others know how best to support a hurting family.

A Quiet Refuge Families who have experienced pregnancy loss or early infant death can preserve memories and mementos in an illustrated photo-journal album.

SHARE This organization provides support through events, resources, and support groups to come alongside those who have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.

Umbrella Ministries Umbrella Ministries offers comfort, hope, and encouragement to mothers who have suffered the loss of a child.

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When You Are Grieving

Helping a Grieving Person

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Dr Bill Webster is someone who knows about grief, not just in theory, but from a very difficult personal experience.

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The Centre for the Grief Journey was established in 1992 to assist and support people in a grieving process after a significant loss and to provide meaningful resources and helps.

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Loss from a childs perspective.

“My mother died when I was 5 years old. I felt like I was insignificant, as if I was getting smaller and smaller … so unimportant that I might disappear. It’s very hard to explain, but I believed I was wrong , somehow. For years I felt like I was on the outside of things, even though others would not have thought I was.”

  Sally, 35, who lost her mother.

Sally’s words teach us that a child’s feelings resulting from the death of a parent or sibling may not be obvious to others. Because the child thinks the universe revolves around them, a death can produce an anxiety that translates into a “fear of losing myself.” Sally, at 5, felt like she was getting “smaller and smaller” and that she might “disappear”. This fear of being lost, and the related anxieties about being on the outside of things is common among children of all ages.

It should be obvious that any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Children of all ages are affected by any significant loss, and often very deeply, because their coping mechanisms are just developing. To understand the complexity of how each situation affects a child, we should ask ourselves:  

“What does THIS loss mean to THIS child, at THIS time in his/her life?”  

However it is important to recognize that a child’s comprehension and their response to a death vary, depending on their age and developmental levels. Death means different things to children of different ages.

For Infants, awareness of their world is limited, so the death of a mother is perceived as “unavailability” or “absence”. An infant’s needs are for physical contact, warmth and consistency, all of which creates security. The absence of a nurturer poses a threat to survival, resulting in fears.

Between about 2 – 4 years , a child still has no concept of the permanence of death, but their fears are more numerous. Cartoons suggest that characters can be blown up, run over, hurt, but then simply get up and go about their business. Likewise the young child may believe that “Mum will come back” and may continue to act as if the dead person is still alive. Death is just a “sleep” from which they didn’t wake up.

Between ages 5-9, a child’s understanding of death undergoes another change. This is often the age of “magical thinking”. They see death as coming from an external source … a bogeyman, or angel who comes to take people away. They regard it as some kind of enemy or assailant. Thus children may regard death as something to outwit, rationalizing “if I am good or do the right things I will be able to reverse this.” If we do not make children a part of what is happening, or keep it “a secret”, they assume that somehow they are responsible, which mistaken perception merely adds complications to their mourning.

Again remembering that we are talking developmental levels as well as actual ages, between 9 – 12 the child begins to understand that death is the end of life, irreversible, and is a natural part of life rather than an enemy who steals people away. They become more concerned with the consequences of death … “who will take care of me? will we have to move? will Dad marry again? (and if so what will happen to us?)” Because they are no longer thinking of themselves as “little children”, they may present a façade of independence and coping. They want to comfort a surviving parent or family member, and may try to assume the roles of the person who has died. They want to be helpful, which can be OK, but caution is required. All too often younger children have a terrible burden placed on them by some well-intentioned person who says, “You need to act grown up. You’re the father/mother of the family now.” The child will assume the role to attempt to master their pain and deny their helplessness, but it is unrealistic to expect a child to be anything other than a child.

Older children often need help to express their grief, especially over the loss of a parent. Research clearly shows that teenagers have more intense grief, but struggle desperately not to show it. Adolescents are suspended between the dependency of childhood and the adult responsibility they hope to earn. The young person may fear that expressing deep sadness or grief displays a return to childhood vulnerability, which they resist stoically. But also, it is part of the teenage role to be in conflict with parents, and so when a parent dies during this transition between reliance and self-determination, there can be a struggle. Besides, it is not regarded as “cool” to be talking about missing your parents. Teenagers are exceedingly concerned about the acceptability of their responses to others, particularly their peers. Thus the teen may find it difficult to express the feelings the death of a parent can raise.

Any death confronts teenagers with their own mortality. They could die. Angry at the death, they may adopt a “Why should I care” attitude. Perhaps as a defense, or maybe in defiance, young people sometimes engage in reckless or dangerous behaviors to show they don’t care or to try to prove they are immortal.

As we have mentioned, a child who has been personally affected by death will have multiple fears, among which might be:

• Fear of losing the other parent (then what will happen to me)
• Fear that he or she too will die
• Fear of going to sleep (lest I never wake up, like Mum)
• Fear of being separated from a parent or sibling
• Fear of being unprotected
• Fear of sharing feelings or emotions with others

One teenager says: “I was afraid to talk about how I felt to my mother because I knew she would start crying. Then my older brother would get mad at me for upsetting mom. So I kept my feelings to myself, and pretty soon I was afraid to say anything to anyone.” 

Guilt often comes from four common beliefs expressed by surviving children:

• The death is a punishment for my bad behaviour.
• I wished the other person dead. (The child is thinking that their wish that the person would “drop dead” or similar sentiment has caused it to happen.)
• I didn’t love them enough. ( “…so that is why they left.”)
• I should have died. (Often with the death of a sibling, the child may hear the parents talk of the deceased in glowing terms, and feel like they preferred the sibling to the surviving one; or maybe would wish that they had died and the deceased had survived.

Special care is necessary when talking to children about death:

• Children tend to mourn little by little, bit by bit, and should be allowed to process their grief in child-sized segments. Do not expect the child to respond in an “adult way”.
• Use language that is appropriate to the age of the child. Try to use concrete rather than abstract language. Initiate the conversation. Children may not ask questions because they are unsure if they will upset us adults. Ask, “You’ve probably been wondering about ….”  and then try to pose the question the child may be asking. Answer the child’s questions openly and honestly, and even if there is no answer, to be up front about that.
• Observe how the child may be feeling. Dispel any fears, including the anxiety that someone else in their family, or they themselves will die also.
• Reassure the child about HIS/HER place in the family; that the family still exists and their place in it is just like always.
• Ceremonies such as lighting a candle; placing a letter or special memento in a casket; or releasing a helium balloon with a message attached for the person who died, can be effective rituals of farewell for children.

A few practical guidelines:

• When describing the death of a loved one, use simple direct language.
• Be honest. Never teach a child something they will later have to unlearn.
• Allow children to express all their emotions
• Listen to children, don’t just talk to them
• Don’t expect the child to react immediately. Be patient and available
• Understand your own adult feelings about death and grief, for until we have come to terms with it for ourselves, it will be difficult to convey a positive attitude to children.

Children do not stop grieving until they have gone through ALL their developmental levels. At each stage, there is new learning about the old experience. The child may grieve until they become young adults, because it is not until we are sure that we can survive the experience that we are able to integrate the fact of our loss into our changing lives.

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• CBSE Notes For Class 9
• Class 9 English Notes and Summary
• Supplementary Chapter 1 The Lost Child

The Lost Child Summary & Notes - CBSE Class 9 English Moments

Summary of the lost child.

Chapter 1 of the Class 9 English Supplementary Reader ‘Moments’ is titled The Lost Child. It is a story about a young boy who visits a spring fair with his parents. As he explores the fair, he soon gets lost in the midst of people. Want to know what happens next? Class 9 students can read the prose summary of CBSE Class 9 English Prose Notes – The Lost Child in CBSE English Notes Class 9 format here to find out what happens to the child. We hope this summary will help students to get a brief understanding of the chapter and refer to it while revising for their exams.

Students can also learn how to write an effective essay by going through the essays page at BYJU’S to increase marks in Class 9 English papers.

CBSE Class 9 English The Lost Child Summary

The Lost Child is an interesting story written by Mulk Raj Anand. In this story, a child visits a spring fair with his parents. The place was crowded with people, and there were different kinds of stalls set up at the fair. The child was overjoyed when he saw the toys in the shops and pleaded with his parents to buy him a toy. But his father gave him a stern look upon hearing his request. Meanwhile, his mother asked him to see the mustard field, which looked like a field of gold. A group of dragonflies were fluttering their colourful wings over the mustard flowers. The child tried catching one of those colourful insects, but his mother called him to the footpath, and he ran towards his parents gaily. He heard the cooing of doves and picked up some petals in the grove. But again, as his parents called him, he made his way towards them while he was running around the banyan tree.

When the child reached the fair with his parents, he saw a sweetmeat seller calling out ‘gulab-jamun, rasagulla, burfi, jalebi’. His mouth watered seeing the tasty sweets, and he asked his father to buy him a sweet. But no one paid heed to his request. As he went ahead with his parents, he heard a flower-seller selling ‘a garland of gulmohur’. He saw the basket of flowers and wanted to buy a garland. However, he knew his parents would not buy him the flowers, so he moved on with them. Then, he noticed a balloon-man selling rainbow-coloured balloons. He wanted to buy those balloons but he knew that his parents would refuse, considering he was comparatively older to play with those colourful balloons. Hence, he walked past the balloon-man with his parents.

As he moved forward, the child noticed a snake-charmer who was playing the flute to a snake coiled in a basket. He went closer to the snake-charmer, but he knew his parents would disapprove of his listening to such coarse music. So, he walked further and saw a merry-go-round. He observed that many people were enjoying the ride and called out to his parents that he wanted to take a ride. But there was no reply from them. When he turned around, he couldn’t find his parents nearby. The child desperately looked out for his parents, but they were nowhere to be found. He understood that he was lost, so he started sobbing.

The child gave out a loud, deep cry, and tears started rolling down his eyes as he searched for his parents everywhere. He cried loudly and ran to and fro, but he couldn’t find his parents anywhere. The place was very crowded, and he ran to the shrine to see if he could find them there. Unfortunately, he was lost, and as he was little, he went ahead, crossing many people who were huge in size.

Suddenly, a man heard his cry and lifted him up in his arms. The child was fortunate that he was picked up by an affectionate man. The kind man asked him about his parents, but the child replied sobbingly, not knowing their whereabouts. The man tried to pacify the child and asked him if he would like to take a ride on the merry-go-round. But the child replied that he wanted his parents only. Soon, the man took the child to the balloon-man, sweet shop and flower-seller and asked if he would like to buy any of those, but the young boy refused. He was adamant that he wanted nothing but his parents. The child turned his face away from all those things which he wanted to buy earlier. The child only shouted, ‘I want my mother, I want my father!’

Conclusion of The Lost Child

The chapter – The Lost Child illustrates the lesson to students that children love their parents unconditionally. Although parents rebuke their children sometimes for their good, children always want their parents around them and feel lost in their absence. You have here the CBSE Class 9 English Moments Prose Summary of The Lost Child that will help all 9th standard students to get a complete insight into the chapter.

Besides, BYJU’S offers important resources such as CBSE Notes and CBSE study materials . They can also view several years’ question papers and CBSE sample papers and download BYJU’S: The Learning App to get access to a plethora of useful resources.

Frequently Asked Questions on CBSE Class 9 English The Lost Child

Who is the author of ‘the lost child’.

The Lost Child is an interesting story written by Mulk Raj Anand.

What is the importance of a parent in a child’s life?

Children look up to their parents and consider them as their role models. They also follow and imitate their parents from a very young age. So it is necessary for parents to treat the right things to children.

What is a ‘gulmohur’?

Gulmohur is a tree with scarlet or orange flowers and feathery pinnate leaves. It is of Madagascan decent.

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A Novel of Lost Daughters and Waylaid Lives

Prison, pregnancies and other operatic turns propel Caroline Leavitt’s latest book, “Days of Wonder.”

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By Michael Callahan

Michael Callahan’s third novel, “The Lost Letters From Martha’s Vineyard,” will be published in May.

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DAYS OF WONDER, by Caroline Leavitt

When the unfairness of life overwhelms you, does it bring out your grit and resolve, or send you down a rabbit hole of grievance and desperation?

Such is the crossroads facing three deeply damaged people in Caroline Leavitt’s 12th novel, “Days of Wonder”: Ella Fitchburg, newly released from prison after being convicted of trying to poison her wealthy boyfriend’s father; her teenage love, Jude, a victim of domestic abuse who’s lugging his own millstone of guilt; and Ella’s mother, Helen, who was cruelly cast out of her Hasidic Jewish community as a pregnant teenager.

Ella, too, is pregnant when she begins her 25-year sentence, but is pressed to give the baby girl up for adoption. Freed nearly two decades early thanks to a governor’s intervention, Ella, now 22, tracks down the child, who has been adopted and named Carla, and hastily moves from Brooklyn to Ann Arbor, Mich., to be close to her — without disclosing her real identity to her daughter’s new parents. A cross between Sylvia Plath’s sardonic Esther Greenwood and Allison McKenzie from “Peyton Place” (the Mia Farrow iteration), Ella mostly covets security and a bigger place in the world, clinging to a deluded dream of her, Jude, Carla and a life they can never have.

All along we feel Ella’s deep longing, her pain at having been so spectacularly cheated by life. Alas, that doesn’t prevent her from coming off as a creepy stalker: She hides in a back booth at the bar where her daughter’s new dad works, pops up like a disturbed jack-in-the-box to sneak cellphone pictures of Carla and anonymously leaves knitted mittens in the family mailbox.

We’re also asked to sustain some serious suspension of disbelief. Despite a closed adoption, Ella quickly discovers her daughter’s location when a lawyer sloppily exposes a file with the family’s address; Ella meets Carla after the little girl’s errant ball miraculously rolls in front of her feet at a playground, a trope for the ages. Perhaps most ludicrous: With zero experience Ella lands a job as a freelance “Dear Abby”-style columnist for a weekly newspaper in Ann Arbor and is able to support herself on it. That’s worthy of the same eyeroll we collectively delivered when Carrie Bradshaw was somehow able to afford all those Cosmos and pricey shoes.

Leavitt is clearly in her element here: Her previous novels are a soapy collection of women experiencing pain, regret and, ultimately, redemption. But the task of untangling the characters’ myriad secrets and the foggy mystery that binds Ella, Jude and Helen together is harrowing, and leads to some cutting of corners (Ella’s alacrity at becoming best friends with Carla’s adoptive mother seems a tad convenient). It also results in a denouement that feels as overly tidy and soulless as a sample home.

While it moves intermittently between the trio’s individual story lines, the narrative is largely driven by Ella — Jude and Helen seem to serve as more of a supporting cast, present to both reflect her pain and mark the road of broken promises she’s trudged. The sometimes clichéd plotting is helped by Leavitt’s graceful prose: Ella sees her mother as “a dry, twisted sponge that could no longer expand”; falling for the high school dreamboat Jude, she finds herself out of her depth in his social circle, not knowing “how to dress in the casually-mussed way of the teenage elite”; upon release from prison, she threads her way through a throng of reporters, “their voices like thorns.”

The novel’s title is a tad misleading; the book is far less about wondrous days than about the tenacity required to survive life’s bad ones. Ultimately — and despite enough melodrama for “General Hospital” — it heralds the power of steady perseverance, sturdy faith and the raw restorative power of love.

DAYS OF WONDER | By Caroline Leavitt | Algonquin | 320 pp. | $29

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Dallas family hopes personal documentary can shine light on mental health

'losing grace finding hope' is the story about the suicide of 16-year-old grace loncar and her family's journey from grief to hope, by noelle walker • published april 23, 2024 • updated on april 23, 2024 at 5:37 pm.

Sue Loncar looked through the pages of a photo album for her daughter, Grace.

"She was so beautiful," Loncar said of her youngest child. "She was so precious. So wanted."

Loncar lost Grace to suicide in 2016.

"I still picture her at 16," Loncar said. "She'd be 23."

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Loncar is sharing her story as Executive Producer of the feature-length documentary, 'Losing Grace Finding Hope.'

"I think to show that's the thing, is depression doesn't discriminate at all," Loncar said.

"She really did have it all by the 'outside world' definition. She was loved."

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"I remember that day like it was yesterday," Loncar narrates in the film. "The day we lost Grace."

"Suicide is an epidemic," family friend and 'Losing Grace Finding Hope' Writer/Producer/Director Marcia Carroll said.

"I think if we don't show it, then we can't help others to get through it."

The filmmakers hope the documentary helps chip away the stigmas about talking about mental health.

"Why my precious daughter?" Loncar asks in the film. "The other side to that point is why not her?"

"So for anyone else out there who's struggling with the death of a loved one to suicide, we have to show them the hope and proof that it can be done," Carroll said.

"That we're not alone and that things are much better tackled together," Loncar said. "There is a rainbow at the end."

'Losing Grace Finding Hope' was produced on behalf of the Grace Loncar Foundation . It premiered at the Greenwich International Film Festival, where it is up for a $10,000 Social Impact Grant.

The film will screen at the Dallas International Film Festival at 6:00 p.m. on April 30 and 4:00 p.m. on May 2.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8355), or you can text the number 988.

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