jungle cruise no more jokes

The Ten Best Jungle Cruise Jokes and More

By: Author Patty Granger

Posted on Last updated: August 29, 2022

Are you a fan of the Jungle Cruise? Do you like jokes so BAD that they’re awesome? Ya, know like Dad jokes? If so keep reading for the ten best Jungle Cruise jokes.

Jungle Cruise is my all-time favorite attraction. I am a sucker for bad jokes, which is exactly what this attraction is all about. While Jungle Cruise skippers have their standard jokes there are always new ones popping up as skippers spend more and more time lost out in the jungle.

Of course, in 2021, we got a whole Jungle Cruise movie that was just packed in new bad jungle jokes, as well as a nod to the classic jokes, told on the attraction.

The List of the 10 Best Jungle Cruise Jokes

On previous jobs.

Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me…

On Haunted Mansion

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I’m you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!!

Sleeping Zebras

Do you know why it’s so hard to eat zebra? You keep getting white meat – dark meat – white meat – dark meat.

Waterfalls and the Eighth Wonder of the World

This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

Classic Warning

We are now entering the most dangerous part of our journey. Shhh. . . This is a bad place to be headed.

A Classic Paradox

As we approach, please notice that there’s a dock on the left, and a dock on the right. But don’t let it confuse you. It’s a paradox. Also on the dock is a pair of dorks, they will help you out of the boat.

Pirates of the Caribbean

I think you knows too much. You’ve seen the cursed treasure. You know where it be hidden. You may not survive to pass this way again. DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES. . .

Awe look at those elephants bathing over there. You know, you make think that’s water coming out of their trunks but it’s snot.

Unbeatable Offers

There’s old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam’s offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

Oh no! Look at the Hippos that are about to attack the boat. Don’t worry I know just the thing that will scare them away, it worked on my last boyfriend. Screams, “HEY HIPPOS I LOVE YOU. I REALLY WANT TO MARRY YOU AND BE WITH YOU FOREVER AND EVER.”

Even More Jungle Cruise Jokes

• Check out the butterflies on both sides of the boat, their wing span ranges from 1 foot to a whopping 12 inches. This makes them the ruler of the jungle.
• Butterflies aren’t what they used to be… caterpillars.
• Around here it rains about 365 days a year, if you think about it that’s almost every day.
• Tigers can jump over 20 feet but don’t worry we are only 15 feet away, he would just jump right over us.
• Feel free to take out your cameras and get some pictures of elephants, they all have their trunks on.
• As we enter the Nile River you will notice it goes on for Niles, and Niles, and Niles, and if you don’t believe me you are in denial.
• You will notice a rock structure on both sides of the boat it’s sandstone, a lot of people take it for granite.
• That’s why I am your skipper, I always come armed… and legged.
• I would like to point out a few of my favorite plants (silently points to random plants outside the boat).
• The 8th wonder of the World, the backside of what 02H, 02H, 02H!
• Do you know why I can tell that’s a Python and not a Boa? No feathers.
• The most dangerous part of your journey is the return to civilization.

Jungle Cruise Movie Quotes

One of my favorite things about the Jungle Cruise movie starring the Rock and Emily Blunt is that they used classic quotes from the attraction in the movie mixed in with some new fresh jokes. Most of these punny quotes appear at the beginning of the movie. Here are just some of the Jungle Cruise jokes that made the movie cut.

• First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of a skipper. Of all the Jungle Cruises you could take in the Amazon this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. But also the most thrilling.
• If you look to the left of the boat you will see very playful Tucans they are playing their favorite game of beak wrestling. The only drawback is only two can play.
• The rocks you see here on the river are sandstone but some people just take them for Granite, it’s one of my bolder attractions.
• Before this, I used to work in an orange juice factory. But I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate. Ya, they put the squeeze on me too.
• You know they say that boa constrictor over there can eat 500 pounds per sitting. Personally, I find that very hard to swallow.
• This is the highlight of my tour, my favorite part of the jungle, ladies, and gentlemen get ready for the 8th wonder of the world, the backside of water!
• Listen up I get paid by the number of people I take out not by the number of people I bring back. Hold on!
• Well folks you were all outstanding today, now I need you all out standing on the dock. That means get off my boat, I am only serious.
• Ma’am don’t forget your baggage, he is behind you.
• Had a girlfriend once who was crossed-eyed, and didn’t work out, we could never see eye to eye. I am also quite sure she was seeing someone on the side.

Specific Jungle Cruise Jokes by Area

Start of Ride

• Wave goodbye to all those people standing on the dock, you aren’t going to see them for 2 and half weeks. Just kidding you are never going to see them again.
• If you don’t laugh at my bad jokes I am going to become your swimming instructor.
• Raise your hand if you want to get wet on this ride! Alright very good, now jump out.
• By a show of hands who here can swim? Great those of you who don’t have your hands raised look at your floatation devices should the boat become underwater.
• Out here in the Amazon it is known to rain 365 days a year but looking around I think it’s safe to say we have mist one.
• On eithier side of the boat you will see some butterflies with a very impressive wing span they range all the way from 12 inches to a whopping one foot. That’s why they are known as the rulers of the jungle.

Inspiration Falls

• Everyone say, oooooooooo, great now everyone say, ahhhhhhhhhh, Sounds like inspiration to me!
• Know why we call it inspiration falls? Just look at it! They say if you stare at it long enough it inspires you to go. Go, deeper into the jungle is what they mean I think.

Boat House / Canoes

• I can’t see anyone, canoe?
• Hey look there is Stew, he is in the pot.

Snake in Tree

• A giant snake sitting in the sitting in the tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G
• Don’t let that snake develop a crush on you, it will be your main squeeze for life
• Does anyone know what kind of snake that is? Begins with P… not Python good guess though, Plastic!
• Watch out that snake might develop a crush on you, it would be a pretty constricting relationship
• Oh wow a Python! I know he is a pie-thon because he is exact 3.1415 meters long.

Gorilla Camp

• I asked those gorillas to break down my camp but now it just looks like they are breaking everything. I don’t find that very appealing at all, so we better split!
• Wow, I couldn’t get my jeep to start this morning but it looks like those gorillas were able to get it to turn over.

Safari African Belt

• The Africian Bull elephant the second most feared animal in the jungle, the first most feared? It’s his mother-in-law.
• Look at these rock formations made out of sandstone, you know a lot of people take them for granite. I know it’s one of the bolder attractions, it rocks.
• On the rocks is a pride of lions watching over that sleeping zebra, how cute!
• I am just kidding, the zebra, he is dead tired.
• Oh look at that sleeping zebra, so cute don’t you just want to wake him up? We are going to let him rest in peace though.
• Look at those zebras at the top of the hill, we know their the oldest animal since they are still in black and white.
• Look at those lions sharing their meal with such pride.

Schweitzer Falls

• Of course, Schweitzer Falls is named after World famous Dr. Albert Falls. If you are not familiar with the doctor don’t worry about it we are going over Falls later.
• Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I proudly present the backside of water.
• Folk never try this at home you will hit your head on the faucet.
• It’s the 8th wonder of the World, the backside of water, I bet you don’t see that every day, unless your me.

Plane Crash

• I bet you are wondering how I landed my job here, I think it’s plane to see I took a crash course and now I am just winging it.
• I wanted to an airplane pilot but I think it’s plane to see that career didn’t take off the way I thought it would.

Hippo Pools

• Oh wow folks, looks like someone thought we were taking out submaring voyages that is easily 20K under water.
• Someone told me that when a hippo wiggles his ears it’s a sign of affection. I have only seen them do it before they charge a boat. I keep telling them I only carry cash but I don’t think they get it.

Ancient Temple Ruins

• The statue out front shows the ruler of the temple, Shirley. So this must be Shirley’s temple.
• These bamboo shoots on the outside are said to grow 6 feet tall, some say 7 but that’s another story.
• There is no telling where this temple may end, but this is Disney, so it’s probably a gift shop.
• Hey, folks see the vines on the walls, we have entered a root canal.
• Look at that tigers stripes, you know why they have strips right? It’s to avoid being spotted.

Elephant Bathing Pool

• It’s okay to take pictures folks, they all have their trunks on.
• Did you know most elephants can only grow up to four feet. Yeah it’s true, most humans can only grow up to two feet.
• That’s my friend Birtha over there she has been in that shower for, forever you can tell by all her wrinkles.
• Most people think that is water coming out of their trunks, it’s snot.

Gift Shop Trader Sam

• Trader Sam is probably out collecting more merchandise, people leave strollers full of it all over the place.
• If you ever want to try on a hat, just like a jungle skipper know, we are the experts at cap-sizing.

End Of Jungle Cruise

• You all have been so outstanding on this journey but now I am going to need you out standing on those docks.
• I am going to leave you with the same advice my parents gave me when I turned 18, honey we love you but GET OUT!
• Some one save me, I will be around, and around and around and around, ya know every 10 to 12 minutes.
• I tried to be a baker once, turns out you need a lot of dough, turns out I didn’t have any of that.
• I applied to work in an orange juice factory, things went pretty well there until I got canned for not being able to concentrate.
• A lot of people say my career is just going in circles, I say it’s like a swiggle oval thing.
• There will be two skippers to help you out on the dock ahead, I call them a pair of dorks.
• If you find yourself passing by the Jungle Cruise later, keep going, sometimes I wish I could.

Catch a Video of the Jungle Cruise Jokes

Just reading jungle cruise jokes really doesn’t do it justice. It’s all about the delivery right? Watch the video below to get the full effect of all the Jungle Cruise jokes.

2022 Jungle Cruise Ride Through

Jingle Cruise Full Ride – Holiday Christmas Layover

Conclusion on Jungle Cruise Jokes

What are your favorite Jungle Cruise jokes? Do you also find yourself finishing the skipper jokes before they do? Have you heard any better than those listed in our list? Have you played the Jungle Cruise Game ? Be sure to share them in the comment section below! If you want more things Jungle Cruise read Changes Coming to Jungle Cruise Attraction .

I have been visiting the parks annually since my parents first brought me at just a year old. Recently I was able to fulfill my life long dream of being a Florida local and moved from the wintery Northeast to the sunshine and fun of central Florida. Now I am hoping to share my Disney knowledge with you so you can have the best vacation possible!

Skipper Brian

Monday 17th of October 2022

This is what I would say as we leave the docks... "Don't worry folks if you forgot to exchange your money to the local currency.... There are banks all along the river..."

Thursday 25th of August 2022

I was a jungle guide for a while. One of my original lines was "Now there's something you don't see everyday - although I do." But it could have come from somewhere. Be fun to locate the written out spiel that was given to you.

Pros and Cons of Disney’s upcoming Jungle Cruise Movie – Pop Cultural Studies

Friday 16th of August 2019

[…] every Jungle Cruise performance can be different, I googled “Best Jungle Cruise Jokes” to narrow down some of the best lines that the Jungle Cruise skippers have. I’ve sampled a […]

Thursday 28th of March 2019

Has anyone ever heard the joke about the pressed pennies? "There's a souvenir you can buy for 51 cents, you'll be really pressed to find anything for less"? I think there was more to it, but I wish I could remember! Thanks!

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We have made this list in an effort to preserve the many hundreds of witty jokes that have been “spieled” on Disney’s Jungle Cruise for the last 45 years since Disneyland opened. Many of the very best lines are lost over time as even the official Disney scripts change every few years. We hope that this will be a permanent repository for some of the best (and worst) humor ever delivered in the “Tropical rivers of the world.” This is not an official script.

Table of Contents

•   In the Queue Area

Other Jokes You May Hear in Queue (but not queue related)

Boarding the boat, leaving the dock, hornbill cross, rain forest, indiana jones ride, ancient shrine, sunken city, bengal tiger, the crocodiles, the crocodiles when ducks are sleeping on them, three cobras, elephant god, elephant pool, squirting elephant, safari outpost, gorilla & crocodile, at schweitzer falls, bull elephants, african veldt, trapped safari (rhino), at the hippo pool when the gun doesn’t fire, headhunter territory, native village, at the native attack, going behind the falls, at night going behind the falls, rapids of kilimanjaro, python/water buffaloes, return to civilization, upon leaving the boat, other jokes, running gags, in the queue area.

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control…the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening…Thank you.

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you’d like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you’d like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you’ll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00/$100.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile…we have good news for you. We have found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell theloaders–the men who will be helping you into the boats–how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say “Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party…” and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say “Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party…” and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One…Two…Three. There–those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn’t that make you feel better?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Those of you who are waiting in line are probably resigned to the fact that there is a long wait. Well, we here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. So, if you’d like to see the line move faster, please raise your hand. Once again, please raise your hand if you’d like to see the line move faster. (crowd raises hands) Okay, those of you who have your hands raised, please take one step to the right and let the people behind you through. Now you’ll definitely see the line move faster.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won’t move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting…veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they’ve spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that’s ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they’re pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they’ll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can’t trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin’ (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

It’s a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you’ll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don’t go bananas.

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the World Famous Jungle Cruise Please do not take pictures while you are in the queue. Once again please do not take pictures while you are in the queue; They are nailed to the walls for a reason.

Ladies and Gentleman, I’d like to remind you that cutting in line will not be tolerated here at the World Famous Jungle Cruise. That’s right…there is to be no cutting in line. Anyone caught with scissors will be ejected from the queue.

Ladies and gentleman, to entertain you while in line for the World Famous Jungle Cruise let’s play “Name That Attraction”:

• Name that attraction.[ CM imitates the Fantasmic music ]If you answered “Fantasmic,” you are right. Ping!
• Name that attraction.[ CM sings “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me” ]If you answered “Pirates of the Caribbean,” you are right. Ping!
• Name that attraction.[ CM makes wooshing and roaring sounds into the mic ]If you answered “The Matterhorn,” you are right. Ping!
• Name that attraction.[ CM makes the neighing sound of goat ]If you answered “Big Thunder Mountain,” you are right. Ping!
• Name that attraction.[ CM goes “Clop clop clop clop” ]If you answered “Main Street Horse Drawn Carriage,” you are right. Ping!
• Name that attraction.[ CM goes “Tick….Tock….Tick….Tock” ]If you answered ‘it’s a small world’, you are right. Ping!
• Name that attraction.[ CM pauses and then whines “Can we go now?” ]If you answered “Light Magic,” you are right. Ping!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well, that’s not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don’t know, but I wish someone would find out–he’s sunk five of our boats in the last week alone.

Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.

Knock, Knock…Who’s there?…Toucan…. Toucan Who?…Toucan not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.

Knock, Knock…Who’s there?…Safari…. Safari Who?…Safari, so good. You’ll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.

That cushion in that back of the boat is actually a whoopee cushion. Don’t believe me, go ahead sit down. [ People sit, Skipper makes farting sound over PA. ] How embarrassing and in front of people you don’t even know.

Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you’re entering from the back, come up to the front. If you’re in the front, just follow the simple instructions of your simple minded loader.

Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine factory until they got canned. They didn’t mind too much though; They worked for scale.

Come all the way to the front–up by me. There’s no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in back.

Slide all the way forward now…That’s the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!

Come on in, folks…Slide on down! That’s right slide on down, because the more you slide now, the less I have to clean later.

Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar [ pointing to the center cushion ]. We like to balance out the boat so when we sink, we go down evenly.

Please remember that the tighter you get, the better the heating system on the boat works.

If you could just sit in the doorway there–it keeps the wild animals out and the chickens and turkeys in.

I get paid for the number of people I take out…not the number I bring back!

Don’t worry if it’s crowded now…there’ll be lots of room on the way back.

How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.

Let’s get one thing straight…if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I’d like you to meet your new captain [ looking at nearby guest ]…What did you say your name was?

Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this trip. Yeah–you’re sitting on the battery. Some people find that revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to everything. Shocking, isn’t it.

Come on to the front kids…You know I love kids…a little BBQ sauce, mustard, and catsup always helps though.

Look! Little kids! I love kids! A little mustard, a little barbecue sauce…[ chuckles at parents ] Oh I’m just kidding, I don’t like mustard all that much.

Welcome to, the mystery boat, the mystery boat, the mystery boat. Welcome to, the mystery boat. It’s a mystery it’s, still afloat. [ followed by a little song which I can’t recall ]. I am Maynard, your captain, guide, etc, for your journey. Just remember, the month of May followed by a nerd. I will need a volunteer to help me steer the boat, someone between the ages of 4 and 7. Ahh, thank you.

Were out of here, like a bad LA football team.

Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is name and I’ll be your captain–unless we run into trouble–in which case your new captain will be taking over. [ looking at nearby guest ]…What did you say your name was?

Hello, everyone. I’d like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and I’ll be your skipper for as far as we get.

Hello and welcome to the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and I’ll be your skipper, guide, captain, cruise director and dance instructor for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.

Where are you from sir/madam ? [ Guest answers ] Sorry? [ Guest repeats ] Oh–I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.

Everybody turn around and wave at the people on the dock…wave at them… ’cause you’re never going to see them again!…then again, you’ve probably never seen them before either.

Now, let’s everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on the dock we’ve left behind. [ In low voice ] Come on folks…pretend like you’re having a good time.

OK…before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and repeat after me. “I hope….we do return”. Good! Better turn and take one last look at the dock–you may never see it again!

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I’m you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!!

And for your serious bird watchers, over there is a hornbill. Looks like he’s really gone out on a limb this time. If he’s not careful, he’s going to wind up a snack for those crocodiles.

And for all you serious bird watchers, over there is a serious hornbill, in serious trouble. If he’s not careful, he’s going to wind up a tasty lunch for those crocodiles! Seriously.

Over there is a rare species of hornbill…about to become a little more rare.

On the other side is my favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of the laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you keep your hands inside the boat because Smiley is always looking for a hand out.

And on the other side is Old Smiley. Did you know that crocodiles have remained basically unchanged for the last 20 million years? It’s true! And that’s just about how long Smiley’s been on this river. He doesn’t get around much anymore. Usually, he just sort of sits around, waiting for our boats and looking for a hand out.

As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year.

We’re now leaving the last outpost of civilization and entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.

Feel that mist on your faces…Don’t worry that’s only the monkeys in the trees.

Feel that mist on your faces…Don’t worry that’s only poisonous bacteria that will eat you all alive.

Do feel that wetness in the air around here? Well that’s the only evidence we have that are still some monkeys in the trees of the Jungle Cruise.

Here in the rain forest it sometimes rains 365 days per year…some years it even rains every day.

As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance here. In fact, we’ve counted more than 100 varieties of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air.

Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines [ pointing ]. Last week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was feeling just vine…[ Pointing ] In fact she was sitting right where that lady/man/girl/boy in color is sitting!

Look here we have a bunch a very strange jungle species, ya see that one there [ pointing to a male ] the one with the wider hips–that’s the female of the species.

Look here we have a bunch of Asian albino hairless apes. Ya watch [ waves to people, they wave back ] monkey see, monkey do.

Over there is what we call the Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of the Four Hour/Forever Line.

Over there is the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. You can see all of the archeologists in line, cleverly disguised as tourists.

Over there is the world’s most popular bathroom. You can tell how popular it is by all of the people in line for it. Let’s ask these folks coming out what they thought of it…How was it?

Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

Over there we have hungry natives foraging for food. This is because they’ve been turned away from Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Baloney Sandwich.

These are the ruins of an ancient shrine, almost totally destroyed centuries ago by an earthquake. Many explorers have tried to steal that priceless ruby, but no one’s ever gotten past that poisonous spider.

How many of you think that’s a big spider? [ show of hands ] How many of you think he’s bigger than the one crawling up that man’s/woman’s leg [ quickly pointing to guest ]?

Through this archway, we enter the remains of the sunken city, now almost totally reclaimed by the jungle.

Has anyone seen my kitty cat? Here kitty, kitty…oh! There he is!

A Bengal Tiger can leap twenty feet! Fortunately we’re ten feet away and he would go over us and land in the bushes on the other side. The Bengal Tiger can jump over ten thousand feet…once.

Look at that! It’s a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch their prey. That is…when you throw them out of an airplane.

That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He’s looking right at you sir/ma’am –better keep smiling.

That Bengal Tiger can jump up to 35,000 feet…out of a plane that is.

See those crocodiles over there. We have trained them to stay perfectly still so you can take better pictures.

And here we have some killer crocodiles. Don’t worry though, they’ve been bolted/super glued to the rocks for their/your protection.

Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

You know, the crocs are always looking for a hand out. Ya, but be careful, I once had an English teacher on board and she didn’t listen to me and now she’s teaching shorthand.

And look, over here we have some terrifying killer ducks. You can tell how much they’ve frightened that crocodile below them because he’s scared stiff.

The crocodile is a terrifyingly ferocious animal, and also provides a comfortable place to sleep.

And here we have three cobras sticking their tongues out at us with no regards for our feelings.

On our left is Ganesha, the elephant god, who guards the entrance of the sacred bathing pool of the elephants.

On our left, Ganesha, the elephant god, holding his nose and on our right, Wiki Wiki, his brass monkey side kick.

Look here it’s the republican national convention. You can take pictures because they all have their trunks on. And if you look over there under the waterfall, it’s Bob Dole. Oh by the way, if you want to see the Democrats, they’re back at the Hunchback of Notre Dame Festival of Fools.

And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don’t scare them now…of course, the big shot gets the private shower…but I kind of like the little squirts myself.

And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead–all the elephants have their trunks on.

And just ahead, you’ll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That’s not a sight you’ll see every day! [ lower voice ] But I will…over…and over…and over…

See that elephant right there, that’s the richest elephant in the whole jungle. Yeah–it’s “Donald Trunk”.

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into…uh-oh–a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! [ Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up ] Oh no! He’s coming up again–you folks on the right get down! [ Elephant doesn’t squirt ] Well…I guess he didn’t have time to reload. [ or ] Well I guess he didn’t have enough trunk space.

OK, we’re leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the…Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want to be disturbed. He’s coming up again…you folks in the back get down! [ After elephant does not squirt ] You in the middle/back –that was very clever hiding behind the little child.

Oh no! What’s this? I’ll hurry up and go through. It looks like were not going to make it. Those in the back may want to duck. [ after passing ] You guys didn’t move; you must have been frozen with fear.

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm….that could be one up ahead. [ Points ] Uh-oh…this one has some uninvited house guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. [ Points to water ] Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around comes naturally to ’em.

Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I wouldn’t get too close, though. They may look like a nice bunch, but let me tell you–those guys are really animals.

Now please, if you’re wearing yellow, don’t make any noises like a banana…it drives them ape!

Ah, that explains things! It looks like that afari has some uninvited house guests! [ pause ] [ Yelling to gorillas ] Hey! Where’d you guys learns to parallel park anyway? [ Back to guests ] Ah, they’re not listening. I guess they’re too busy monkeying around.

And now we come upon a jungle encampment. It’s being overrun by a bunch of women wearing fur coats. [ Pause ] Hey! Those are gorillas! [ pause ] dressed up as women wearing fur coats.

Folks, this is what happens when you leave your kids at home alone.

Earlier these guys were having a tough time starting that jeep, but I can see that they’ve finally gotten it to turn over.

And one of them is trying to have a mind blowing experience…If he’s not too careful, he’ll have a real splitting headache.

I’d like to point out some of the plant life here on the Jungle Cruise. There’s a hibiscus, a low-biscus, and that little one barking is a doggie biscus. Say, there’s the Anheiser Bush, it looks ready to bud.

Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.

See that bamboo over there? It grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it can grow to 7 stories but that’s a whole other story.

Now there’s a croc with a snappy personality! Ha–he’s going to get himself a knuckle sandwich if he’s not careful.

Well, will you look at that–some of the camp’s food made it downstream. But I don’t think it’s going to waste.

Look there! That’s something you don’t see every day, but I do.. every day, every 15 minutes.

Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous Dr. Albert [ pause ] Falls.

Lean in the middle, lean in the middle, if you lean in the middle, we’ll all sink evenly!

Say what you will about women drivers, but –heh –I’ve never been good at making this turn. HANG ON!!!

To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to your right….and then back to your left, you can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.

We’ve turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the world, winding across more than 4000 miles.

We’ve now turned down the Nile river–the longest river in all of Anaheim. That’s right a whole 200 feet. [ after intro ] and if you don’t believe that, you must be in denial.

Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those enormous ears and great tusks  distinguish them from the Indian elephants we saw earlier.

On the left we have an African Bull Elephant. And for those of you with short term memory problems, on the right we have an African Bull Elephant.

On the left bank there-it’s a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle–his wife/mother-in-law .

On the right bank, we have Bertha. She’s a great elephant, as she obeys commands: “Speak!” [ elephant makes a little trumpet ] “You can do louder than that!” [ elephant makes a load trumpet ] “Ok, we’d like to some pictures, so stand perfectly still.” [ elephant stands perfectly still ] Let’s give her a round of applause.

Ok everyone, here are the Monkeys, wave to the Monkeys… [ silence ] Ah, well, you see, they would wave back, but their are glued to the rocks.

Look at that family of baboons; There’s Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon, Daniel Baboon, and the hair stylist Vidal Baboon.

And over here we have the Baboon family. There’s Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon, their hairdresser Vidal Baboon, and, uh, oops, that’s not a baboon, that’s my ex-girlfriend. Yes, I left her for my new girlfriend who can leap over 20 feet and weighs over 500 pounds.

How do you tell the difference between the male and female Zebras. The males have black and white stripes and the females have white and black stripes.

And over here we have some referees.

Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the water’s edge today, along with the other residents of the African veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And the big tll ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the black ones over here with horns–well, I’ve never seen them before. They must be gnu!

Here’s a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they’re not a cheetah, then they’re probably just a lion.

Hey I know that guy on the bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like that rino is going to get a hole in Juan.

There’s that lost safari we’ve been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising.

Well, bottoms up, fellows, I’m sure you’ll get the point…in the end!

Uh-oh…look! That safari’s in a tight spot there. But that rhino seems more than willing to give them a lift.

That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I’m sure that guy on the bottom will get it in the end!

Of course, it could be worse for those guys…they could be the Zebra.

Well–you know what they say…safari, so good. So I guess we’ll be moving on.

We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don’t rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don’t do anything that might attract them!

Last week, they overturned six of our boats…only FIVE of them were MINE, though!.

Don’t worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles….

How many of you are willing to go on? [ show of hands ] How many of you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the situations?

Uh-oh…it looks like one of them’s going to try to charge our boat! [ shoots ] Looks like we’ve scared them off. I bet he’ll have a headache tomorrow!

Uh-oh, I guess it looks like one of them is going to try to tip us over. I’d better scare ’em away. [ shoots ] Well, it looks like that did the trick. You could tell that they were scared by all of the blank looks on their faces.

If we’re all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. [ Low voice ] Shhh–be real quite now…listen ….[ leaning out of boat, yells ] “Hey mom!”

“Bang! Bang!” [ Hippo retreats ] “Boy are they dumb.”

“Bang! Bang!” [ Hippo retreats ] “Whew! That was close!”

Disney has gone bankrupt, and we can’t afford bullets anymore.

Uh oh, we’re now entering into headhunter territory. Not a good place to be headed.

We’re entering headhunter country now…be very quiet. In that canoe over there…the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even to the end–they’re still smiling.

Shhh…we’re entering headhunter country now…don’t make a sound. In that canoe over there are some of the native’s arts and crafts. Art’s the one on the top!

We’re not out of danger yet–this is headhunter territory. Remove your jewelry please. The natives have been complaining of indigestion.

The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion…maybe we can sneak by. Don’t attract their attention.

I studied their language in college. Lets see if I can pick up a little: Put your right foot in, shake it all about, Put your right foot out, shake it all about.

Hey look! It’s the Village People! Let’s see what they’re saying… Y-M-C-A

This group is trying to come up with a name for themselves for their upcoming CD, they have two choices, either the Village People or Fine Young Cannibals.

Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. [ Turns around quickly ] They’re on the LEFT this time. Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks, please get down on the floor. [ Makes whooshing sound into mike ] Ah, those are spears by the way. Women and children–stand up! All the men–get down!

Uh oh, it looks like these natives are going to attack us. Kids, Women…you better lie down. Men..Stand up!”

Oh no! The natives are throwing spears! Women and children, stand up! Men, get on the bottom of the boat! Get down in the boat, get down in the boat, come on you’re making me look stupid up here!

If they hit you with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them-you’re not allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don’t want you to be stuck with it for the rest of the trip.

On the left, a friendly group of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka…Ubonga Swahili Ungawa…Wagga Kuna Nui Ka…It’s a good thing I speak their language. [ Turns to guest ] They want to trade their coconuts for your wife/child/husband …I think we should hold out for at least four.

Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before…there it is–the backside of water!

Now kids, don’t try to see this at home, as you’ll hit the back of your head on the fawcet.

Now hold onto your seat cushions because we’re about to do something really special–no extra charge. Are you ready? We’re now going UNDER water!

And now, the reason you came; the most spectacular site you’ll see all day. ladies and gentlemen, a true wonder of the world! a splendiferous sight of epic proportions! a once in a lifetime opportunity! ladies and gentlemen! today’s the day, never again! never before! ladies and gentlemen! get your cameras up! get your children up! because you won’t see this anywhere else in the world today!

ladies and gentlemen, I give you,

without further ado,

the much heralded!

the much anticipated!

the much awaited!

the much sought after!

the much talked about!

the much ballyhooed!

the pinacle of sight and sound that’s unparalelled and unprecedented by anything else in the world today!

ladies and gentlemen! I give you,

the pinacle of your Disneyland experience!

the crescendo of your Disneyland day!

ladies and gentlemen, a sight that’s unrivalled by anything else in the world today!

ladies and gentlemen, you’ve searched the ends of the earth! the corners of the globe! the edges of the universe!

ladies and gentlemen, the sole reason you came to Disneyland!

it’s amazing! incredible! astounding! fascinating!

ladies and gentlemen, the highlight of the cruise!

ladies and gentlemen, the sight that you’ll be telling your grandchildren about for generations!

the backside of water!</>b

That was some sight.

It almost leaves me speechless.

click here for a sound clip .

Ladies and gentlemen, Walt Disney proudly presents, Fantasmic! [ The guide sings part of the song while shining his flashlight on the back of the water and at the ends says in a squeaky voice: ] Some imagination, huh hehee!

On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful birds in the jungle. Toucan do much better than one can.

Over on the right you can see a branch with two toucans. And, of course, three toucans make a six-pack.

If we start sinking, we’ll have to lighten our load. [ Turns to guest ] You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be leaving us shortly.

Hang on…we’re coming across some white water here. One of those jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. [ color not on boat ] They’re the only ones that float.

We’re now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of the person next to you because we’re going to be bouncing up and down a lot! [ jumps up and down, side to side ] Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?

On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really interesting. It’s sad though. I come through here all the time, point these out to people, but they just take them for granite.

See that rock right there, it’s actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.

Now we’re in the dangerous rapids of Kilomanjaro. And in the the water, there’s dangerous pointy things which can sink the boat. that would be bad, because there on the right hand side, is bubbling, deadly man-eating piranha. Even worse, on the other side of the boat, deadly woman-eating piranha.

Hey look there, what kind of snake is that? [ People answer with the names of kinds of snake ] No, it a plastic snake.

Python’s are one of the less intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were smart do you think that he would be hugging that dead tree stump when food is all around him.

Uh-oh…Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo…Actually, he’s very affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!

And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle’s most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!

Over here we have a rare species of vegetarian python. You can tell since he has a stranglehold on that tree.

Lookie at the Python, sitting in the tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Hey folks, what sound does a snake make? [ people respond by hissing ] Oh common, the jokes aren’t that bad.

Hey folks, you know that most snakes hiss. Well, here on the world famous jungle cruise we have the only snake that grunts. Listen… [ Water Buffalo makes grunting sounds ]…see?

And here we have Sam the trader. Sam is the head salesman in these parts. This will probably make you wonder “Why can’t he get a decent dental plan?” Well, business has been shrinking lately. So, he has a special two for one offer. Two of his heads, for one of yours. Do we have any volunteers? You madame [ points to a woman inthe boat ], your hand was up. Are you ready to jump? We’ll count to three. One…two…three. You didn’t jump. Did you change your mind? [ guest nods ] Women always do.

There’s old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam’s offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

There’s old Trader Sam…Three explorers came through here last week and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was, they completely lost their heads.

Trader Sam was thrown out of college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of his professors, now he’s a psychologist. You can tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his basket cases.

Sam had me over for dinner the other night. I enjoyed it and said to him “Your wife sure does make a good chili” He said “Yeah, but I’m sure going to miss her.”

Sam had me over for dinner the other night; unfortunately I arrived late and all he gave me was the cold shoulder.

This is my good friend Sam, who runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I talked to Sam was at his cafe. I told that I didn’t like his brother very much. He told me ‘Next time, have the salad.’

And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey–the return to civilization! I certainly hope you’ve enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you’ve missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our “in-law” special…halfway for half fare, no questions asked.

And now, the most dangerous part of our journey–the return to civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!

And now the most dangerous part of our journey, the return to civilization. On the dock we have two disguised monkeys who have shaved their fur off and put on clothes to help assist you out of the boat. And for our volunteer, I present this special leaf [ hands a leaf to the kid ].

Now we are entering the most dangerous part of our journey – the trip home on the Santa Ana Freeway. Dangerous for you, that is, I’m here ’til midnight.

Make sure you have all personal belongings with you…cameras, purses, small children…anything left on board will be thrown screaming to the crocodiles.

Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say [ In a feminine voice ] “Thank You for riding and have a good day.” And as Charley Brown’s teacher would say [ In the teachers weird voice ] “Wa, wa-wa, wa wa wa,…” And now as Millie Vinille would say [ mouths the words ] “Thank You for riding and have a good day.”

Please keep your hands inside the boat, I sure don’t want my new dock ruined.

Now comes the most perilous part of the trip, our return to civilization and my attempt to ram the dock.

There are two docks at the end of the ride. Don’t get confused. It is a paradox. [ pair of docks ] And those two guys are a pair o dorks.

It’s very important that you wait to get off the boat until one of our dock crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we had a lady fall in and none of them were around to laugh at her.

I certainly enjoyed having you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being had/taken .

If you had a good time on this ride, my naMe is name and this is the Jungle Cruise. If you didn’t have a good time, my name is some other name and this is Storybookland/the Submarine Voyage/the Keel Boats .

If you had a good time on the Jungle Cruise, well then my name is name . If you didn’t, then my name is John. [ cast member, John appears on the unload dock ] Oh, hi John. How’s it going?

Enjoy your day at the 2nd most happiest place on earth. What’s the happiest? The employee parking lot 15 minutes after close.

Well, it’s the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call…in sick as much as possible.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse.

Ladies and gentleman, you were outstanding on the boat today, but now I need you out standing on the dock now.

Now, as you’re leaving the boat, if you find your shoes rapidly filling with water, you’ve gotten out on the wrong side!

As you exit the boat, please watch your step and mind your head. If you miss your step and hit your head, watch your language, Disneyland is a family place.

Helping you out will be the Lee brothers, Ug-lee and Home-lee.

Oh look, here’s Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dumber.

Ok everyone rise like bread. Don’t loaf around. I know this job isn’t much, but it’s the yeast I can do for the dough I make. I guess I’m really on a roll here.

Don’t step on anyone’s feet, you’ll feel like a heel, and we’ll have to call a toe truck. Then you’d have to foot the bill.

Please make sure you have all your children with you. We take children left behind over to It’s a Small World, nail/bolt/superglue their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and…

Folks, as we near the dock, all the people waiting to help you out give you an idea of how many people actually work at Disneyland… about one out of three.

Please exit the boat the same way you entered…pushing and shoving.

Two of the world’s largest pygmies will assist you from the boat. Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.

OK, everybody stand up please. Those of you on the dock side will be helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn around and you’ll be helped out by the rear…of the boat that is.

When I count to three, everybody stand…the last one standing is a baby hippo. Ready? One…two…four! Look at all the baby hippos!

Do stand up…off your seats, on your feets.

All right…if you don’t stand, you’ll have to go again! I knew that would get you up.

Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don’t hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders… that’s ladies only, please!

Don’t fall in the water as you leave…we’ll have to charge you extra.

Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time–I’m going to go again! [ low voice ]…and again, and again, and again…

Bye now! Come back and see me again when you have the courage…and enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom.

Aren’t you going to say good-bye, after all we’ve been through together?

Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise…it helps keeps the lines down.

Please don’t go out the window–you’ll get a window pane.

Watch your step, and please don’t step on small children indiscriminately. Pick the one you want and make sure you get him!”

Of all the groups I’ve taken on this ride, you’re the most…recent.

We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call…work.

If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month… please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!

And, as you leave the parking lot tonight, be sure to enjoy Disney’s newest parade — “Tail-light Magic”. The best part of this parade? You supply the music!

And, after searching for your car in our beautiful 100 acre parking lot, be sure to watch the “Tail-light electrical parade” (or “The West Street Electrical Parade”) With thousands of sparkling lights twinkling into the distance. And the best part of the parade? You get to be a part of it!

Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an Orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me. They really put the squeeze to me, too.

I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day.

Here, take some advice. NEVER play leapfrog with an Unicorn!

All of these must be done in sequence

• [ Lion’s Den at night ][ Skipper points the light at the baby lion ] Awww, look…it’s SIMBA!!!!
• [ Native Village ][ Skipper points light at the dead lion hanging upside-down over the fire pit ] Look, it’s Simba again!!!!
• [ at the tiger ]You know, a tiger can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn’t that amazing!
• [ at the water buffalo ]And you know, a water buffalo can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn’t that amazing!
• [ at the zebras ]Hey, guess what, did you know that a zebra can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet? Isn’t that amazing!!
• [ at the snake ]And by the way, a snake can weigh up to 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn’t that AMAZING!!
• [ boat pulls up to the dock ]Leonard’s going to help you folks out of the boat, now. By the way, Leonard, I hear you have a new girlfriend, and she weighs over 500 pounds and can leap up to 20 feet! ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!![ Leonard ]: “Yeah. So?”

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• As guests are boarding the boat  “Come on everyone let’s fill up all available space, load the boat up. That’s the best way to enjoy the Jungle Cruise, fully loaded…. WITH PEOPLE. Come on, this isn’t EPCOT!”
• “I’d like to point out some of my favorite plants here in the jungle.”  points at various plants without saying a word
• Points to huge rock  “This formation on the right is actually sandstone, most people take it for granite. It’s one of our boulder attractions here in the park.”
• “There are a couple of toucans, if we had another we would have a six pack!”
• “I love my job as a skipper. In fact, my parents are so proud…of…my brother….”
• Everyone watch out for Ginger. Ginger snaps. That’s right, she’s one TOUGH cookie. I know, I know…it’s a crumby joke, but I milk it for all I can!
• Their wingspan can grow from 12 inches to a whopping 1 foot!
• “Please watch your head when you leave the boat, and if you can’t watch your head, then watch your mouth. This is a family atmosphere.”
• Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle! I had such a good time that I’m going to do it again…and again…and again…every 15 minutes for the next 8 hours.

And finally

“If you enjoyed yourself, my name is Joe and this has been the world famous Jungle Cruise. If you didn’t, then my name is Kevin and this has been the Haunted Mansion.”

Want more Jungle Cruise? Check out our Top Jungle Cruise Tips! 

More Jungle Cruise Jokes (in no particular order)

• They have a wingspan ranging from 12 inches, to a whopping ONE FOOT! (Butterflies)
• There is the first rule of the jungle…Survival of the fittest…As shown by the pride of lions protecting the sleeping zebra…(Crew gives a small laugh)…I’m just kidding kids…he’s dead. (Safari)
• Any kids misbehaving on the cruise will be taken over to “It’s a Small World”, nailed to a platform, and made to sing that same annoying song over and over.
• Watch your head when you step out. If you don’t, watch your language. This is a family place.
• …and here we have the Best view on the Jungle Cruise!!! Are you ready for it? The backside of water!

I get paid for the number of people I take out… not the number I bring back!

• Everyone, turn around and wave goodbye to the folks back on the dock… they may never see you again.

What are you favorite jungle cruise jokes? Have you heard any better than those listed in our list?

Complete List

Please note that these jokes have been collected through a number of sources into a full resource for everyone to enjoy. Because there is no official creator of individual jokes from the Jungle Cruise, we’ll just give credit to all the amazing, talented and skilled Skippers from the past!

Jokes from the Queue Line

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you’d like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you’d like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you’ll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile … we have good news for you. We found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders — the men who will be helping you into the boats — how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say “Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party…” and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say ” Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party…” and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One … Two … Three. There- those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn’t that make you feel better?

Your attention, please. We do not allow cutting in line here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. Anyone caught with a pair of scissors will be asked to leave.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won’t move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting… veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their great grand parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they have spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that’s ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they’re pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they’ll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can’t trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin’ (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animals in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you’ll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don’t go bananas.

It’s a four-hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Other Random Jokes to get a Laugh

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well, that’s not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don’t know, but I wish someone would find out- he’s sunk five of our boats in the last week alone.

Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.

Knock, Knock… Who’s there? … Toucan. … Toucan Who? … Toucan not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.

Knock, Knock… Who’s there? … Safari. … Safari Who? … Safari, so good. You’ll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.

 Loading the Boat 

That cushion in that back of the boat is actually a whoopee cushion. Don’t believe me, go ahead sit down. (People sit, Skipper makes farting sound over PA.) How embarrassing and in front of people you don’t even know.

(To the boat loader) So how does that new vacuum of yours work? Boat loader: It sucks!

Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you’re entering from the back, come up to the front. If you’re in the front, just follow the simple instructions of your simple-minded loader.

Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine factory until they got canned. They didn’t mind too much though- they worked for scale.

Come all the way to the front- up by me. There’s no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in back.

Slide all the way forward now… That’s the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!

Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar (pointing to the center cushion). We like to balance out the boat so when we sink, we go down evenly.

Please move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all of the blue seat cushions. There have been extensive scientific studies that have proven that the color blue attracts deadly flying piranhas. (Using color of boat for blue.)

Please remember that the tighter you get the better the heating system on the boat works.

(As people load in the back) There’s no dancing in the back there, folks… no dancing… you will have to be seated. Dancing is only allowed on the promenade deck.

If you could just sit in the doorway there- it keeps the wild animals out and the chickens and turkeys in.

Don’t worry if it’s crowded now… there’ll be lots of room on the way back.

How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.

Let’s get one thing straight… if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I’d like you to meet your new captain (looking at nearby guest)… What did you say your name was?

Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this trip. Yeah- you’re sitting on the battery. Some people find that revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to everything. Shocking, isn’t it.

Were out of here like a bad LA football team.

Well, folks, there’s the Jungle, and as Captain EO used to say (in a high voice) “Fire up the thrusters!  We’re going in!”

Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is (name) and I’ll be your captain- unless we run into trouble- in which case your new captain will be taking over. (Looking at nearby guest)… What did you say your name was?

Hello, everyone. I’d like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your skipper for as far as we get.

Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is (name), and I’ll be your skipper, guide, social director, and dance instructor for the next three months.

Hello everyone and welcome aboard the World famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your SKIPPER today — on a three hour tour. (pause) On a three hour tour. (the last line should sound like the gilligan’s island song a bit more than the first one)

Where are you from (sir/madam)? (Guest answers) Sorry? (Guest repeats) Oh- I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.

Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the dock… They may never see you again.

Now, let’s everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on the dock we’ve left behind. (In low voice) Come on folks… pretend like you’re having a good time.

OK… before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and repeat after me. “I hope…. we do return”. Good! Better turn and take one last look at the dock- you may never see it again!

Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me…

You know they saw you can always judge the quality of a ride by it’s line, well how long did you folks wait? My point exactly. (Good at night with short lines)

Hello and welcome to the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your captain, cruise director and dance instructor for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.

A Jungle Cruise version of the Haunted Mansion spiel

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I’m you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!! (flash lights on and off and make the sound of thunder at night)

Other Disney Attraction spiels to repeat for rowdy crowds and Annual Passholders

Pirates of the Caribbean tunnel (In a high voice) I think you knows too much. You’ve seen the cursed treasure. You know where it be hidden. You may not survive to pass this way again. (Deep echoing voice) DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES. . .

(in high pitched pioneer voice from Thunder mountain) No hold on to those hats and glasses folks. Cause this here is the WILDEST RIDE IN THE WILDERNESS!

“Cinnamon Toast and Taco’s In the door.”  In case you have ever wondered what the spanish speaking announcement is saying in the line for the Matterhorn Bobsled ride – that’s the translation, folks!

Welcome to Fantasmic, tonight our friend and host Mickey Mouse uses his vivid imagination to create magical imagery for all to enjoy. Nothing is more wonderful than the imagination, for in a moment you can enjoy a beautiful fantasy- or an exciting adventure. But beware, because it can also turn your greatest fears into an overwhelming nightmare. Are the powers of Mickey’s imagination strong enough, or bright enough to withstand the evil that invades Mickey’s dreams? You are about to find out. So sit back, relax and experience fantasmic. A journey beyond your wildest imagination. . .

Rain Forest

As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year. (Alternate: We’re now leaving the last outpost of civilization and entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.)

As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance here. In fact, we’ve counted more than 100 varieties of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air.

Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines (pointing). Last week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was feeling just vine.

(Pointing) In fact she was sitting right where that (lady/man/girl/boy) in (color) is sitting!

Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry that’s only the monkeys in the trees.

Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry that’s only poisonous bacteria that will eat you all alive

Indiana Jones Ride

Look here we have a bunch a very strange jungle species, ya see that one there (pointing to a male) the one with the wider hips that’s the female of the species.

Look here we have a bunch of Asian albino hairless apes. Ya watch (waves to people, they wave back) monkey see, monkey do.

Over there is what we call the Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of the Four-Hour Line.

Those folks over there are all lost, looking for the Jungle Cruise I think. Hey guys!  The Jungle Cruise is that way!

Ancient Shrine

See those crocodiles over there we have trained the to stay perfectly still so you can take better pictures.

Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are. The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

You know the crocs are always looking for a hand out. Ya but be careful, I once had an English teacher on board and she didn’t listen to me and now she’s teaching shorthand.

Just so you know, all of the animals at the world famous Jungle Cruise are real. Except for the ducks. They are mounted on rails, just like the boats.

Elephant Pool

Look here…it’s the republican national convention. You can take picture because they all have their trunks on. Oh by the way… If you want to see the Democrats they’re back at the Hunchback of Notre Dame Festival of Fools.

And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don’t scare them now… of course, the big shot gets the private shower… but I kind of like the little squirts myself.

And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead- all the elephants have their trunks on.

And just ahead, you’ll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That’s something you don’t see everyday. (Long pause) But I do.

See that elephant right there, that’s the richest elephant in the whole jungle. Yeah- it’s ‘Donald Trunk’.

Bengal Tiger

(In low voice) That’s no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well… 19 feet away!

That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He’s looking right at you (sir/ma’am)- better keep smiling.

That Bengal Tiger can jump up to 35,000 feet…out of a plane that is.

Everyone look at that huge Bengal Tiger!  Bengal Tigers weigh over 500 pound and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET! Amazing stuff, folks.  (Emphasize the capitalized words, so when you repeat the same fact for later animals the people will catch on sooner)

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into… uh-oh- a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! (Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no! He’s coming up again- you folks on the right get down! Well… I guess he didn’t have time to reload. (Or) Well… I guess he didn’t have enough trunk space.

OK, we’re leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the… Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want to be disturbed. He’s coming up again… you folks in the back get down! (After elephant does not squirt) Sir in the (middle/back)- that was very

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into… uh-oh- a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! (Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no! He’s coming up again- you folks on the right get down! (Elephant comes up but does not squirt — make a silly laugh at them) Psyche!   I guess he forgot to reload.

Safari Outpost

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm…. that could be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh… this one has some uninvited house guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. (Points to water) Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around comes naturally to ’em.

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm…. that could be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh… this one has some uninvited house guests! One of those gorillas is going to have an eye opening experience. Should be mind blasting. I’m glad they at least got that jeep started. It probably took them a while to get it to turn over.

Well, safari so goodi. Let’s move along

Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I wouldn’t get too close, though. They may look like a nice bunch, but let me tell you- those guys are really animals.

Now please, if you’re wearing yellow, don’t make any noises like a banana… it drives them ape!

Ah, that explains things! It looks like that safari has some uninvited house guests! (pause) (Yelling to gorillas) Hey! Where’d you guys learns to parallel park anyway? (Back to guests) Ah, they’re not listening. I guess they’re too busy monkeying around.

Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I’d like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There’s one, there’s one… (Point left, point rear left, point right, etc)

Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.

See that bamboo over there? It grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it can grow to 7 stories but that’s a whole other story.  

Gorillas & Crocodile

Now there’s a croc with a snappy personality! Ha- he’s going to get himself a knuckle sandwich if he’s not careful.

That gorilla weighs over 500 pounds and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET!  Amazing stuff folks. (The people often think the skipper messed up and said it twice even though he has done it on purpose. Keep reading. . .)

Well, will you look at that- some of the camp’s food made it downstream. But I don’t think it’s going to waste.

Look there that’s something you don’t see every day… I do.. Every day every 15 minutes  

Schweitzer Falls

(Skipper has back to falls, distracted by the gorilla/croc scene) Uh- oh, lean in back there! Lean in! (Motions to guests and spins wheel around) Whew! That was close!

And now, we’re approaching the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, named after that famous African explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

Ahead is beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and I (wheel appears to jam and skipper tries to free) Oh no! You folks in the back lean in! Duck! Whew! That was close! (Best to use body language with all foreign crowds)

(Not necessarily approved) Don’t worry about the waterfall; it won’t get you wet. The water in the falls, like everything else at Disneyland, is completely synthetic.

To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to your right…. and then back to your left, you can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.

We’ve turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the world, winding across more than 4000 miles.

We’ve now turned down the Nile River the longest river in all of Anaheim that’s right a whole 200 feet.

We’ve now turned down the Nile River and if you don’t believe that you must be in denial.

Bull Elephants

Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those enormous ears and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian elephants we saw earlier.

On the left bank there- it’s a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull; the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle- his mother in law! (By the way, Disney forbids the use of the words “mother in law” after it received too many complaints from mother in laws. They no recommend the use of the word “mate” in its place, but that just isn’t funny. I recommend that “mother-in-law” remain in the spiel.

Look there, that’s Skippy (alt: Speedy, Dumbo) the fastest elephant in the jungle watch (lights first elephant then flashes it to the elephant on the right) Pretty amazing huh? (If used at night when the elephants can’t be seen without a spotlight, this can be a great gag)

African Veldt

Look at that family of baboons, ya, that Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon, Daniel Baboon, and the hair stylist Vidal Baboon.

Those giraffes weigh over 500 pounds and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET!  Amazing stuff folks!  (The smart ones are starting to catch on now, but for some, it takes repeating this line about three more times before they get it. . .)

Oh look, those lions are protecting that sleeping Zebra.

For a boat with kids (in a sarcastic manner) Don’t worry kids!  That zebra is just sleeping. Those lions are his friends!

Look it’s Simba and Nala from the Lion King.

How do you tell the difference between the male and female Zebras? The males have black and white stripes and the females have white and black stripes.

(Pointing) By the look of those baboons up there, something’s up on the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the jungle- “survival of the fittest.”

Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the water’s edge today, along with the other residents of the African veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the black ones over here with horns- well, I’ve never seen them before. They must be gnu!

We’re about to enter the Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an endless variety of wildlife- baboons, wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles, gnus, g-lions, g-zebras. (hard g-sounds)

Here’s a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they’re not a cheetah, then they’re probably just a lion.

Trapped Safari (Rhino)

There’s that lost safari we’ve been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising. That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I’m sure that guy on the bottom will get it in the end! Hey I know that guy on the bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like that rhino is going to get a hole in Juan. Well, bottoms up, fellows!

Uh-oh… look! That safari’s in a tight spot there. But that rhino seems more than willing to give them a lift.

Well- you know what they say… safari, so good. So I guess we’ll be moving on.

We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don’t rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don’t do anything that might attract them!

Last week, they overturned six of our boats… only FIVE of them were MINE, though!

Don’t worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles….

Don’t worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they climb up in the trees and start doing big hippo cannon balls right down on top of us (for boats where the people already know the lines)

How many of you are willing to go on? (Show of hands) How many of you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the situations?

Uh-oh… it looks like one of them’s going to try to charge our boat! (shoots) Looks like we’ve scared them off. I bet he’ll have a headache tomorrow!

If we’re all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. (Low voice) Shhh- be real quite now… listen …. (leaning out of boat, yells) “Hey mom!”

Uh oh, that large hippo is going to attack us!  Watch out!  (shoots) I just saved your lives, folks. (pause) YOUR WELCOME!  (If applause) Please. . . . Don’t. . . . Stop. . .. . Please don’t stop!

Now as we enter the Hippo pool, I want to tell you about a ancient ritual that they have… They place their young in the trees to feed on the leaves until they are 6000lbs and then they cannon ball through the jungle foliage to the boats below and sink them to the bottom of the jungle rivers a whole 2.5 feet down. Oh, look there’s one now (shoots up into the trees).

Entering HeadHunter Country

We are now entering the most dangerous part of our journey. Shhh. . . This is a bad place to be headed.

Over there are the remains of my last crew. (pointing to the skull canoe) You can tell they had a good time. Look, they are still smiling!  That’s what happens after about 10 hours at Disneyland, folks. Those smiles are just plastered right on their faces.

We’re entering headhunter country now… be very quiet. In that canoe over there… the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even to the end- they’re still smiling.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the headhunters. They normally only attack children wearing glowing jewelry (for night cruises)

Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. (Turns around quickly) They’re on the LEFT this time.

Uh-oh, it looks like a war party on the left. You folks, please get down on the floor. (Makes whooshing sound into mike) Ah, those are spears by the way.

sshhh sshhh shhh sshhh shhh (eventually changes from shhh sound into a panting sound. Then in a surfer dude’s voice) WHOA!  Great sound effects!

Women and children- stand up! All the men- get down! If they hit you with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them- we’re not allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don’t want you to be stuck with it for the rest of the trip.

Okay ladies and gentlemen the natives usually attack from the right hand side of the boat. Wait one minute here! What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat? You know I told you to attack from the right and another thing what are you doing just standing looking stupid with those spears in your hand your supposed to throw them! Get back down and try that one again! (Timing is right so the natives go back down on skippers command)

This is possibly the best gag on the Jungle Cruise if done right. Five minutes after Fantasmic ends. So that you know the people on the boat just came from Fantasmic, you pull up to the dock and use this line to test them: “Did you folks enjoy Fantasmic? Yes?  well, don’t worry this ride is much better”. . . If many of them responded “Yes” then you know the gag will work. Now for something I’ve never attempted before, that’s right folks, it’s the Jungle Cruise version of Fantasmic!   (clear throat, then wave the spotlight up and down on the backside of the water fall humming the tune of Fantasmic into the mike) Then it your absolute best Mickey Mouse impression (which I’m good at, say the last line of Fantasmic) “Some Imagination huh? he-he!” If you do it right, they will cheer and give you a round of applause every time!

Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before… there it is- the backside of water!

Now hold onto your seat cushions because we’re about to do something really special- no extra charge. Are you ready? We’re now going UNDER water!

On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful birds in the jungle.

Toucan do much better than one can.

Over there are three toucans- also known as a six pack of birds.

Rapids of Kilimanjaro

Uh-oh, up ahead- the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp and dangerous rocks through here… notice the huge waves crashing against our hull. (Makes crashing wave sounds in mike)

Ho hum… here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We’ll probably have to shoot them. (Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb and index finger.)

(Steering wheel back and forth) Notice the skill and finesse your skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish to take pictures, feel free.

If we start sinking, we’ll have to lighten our load. (Turns to guest) You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be leaving us shortly.

That last rock on the right is a 1:100 scale model of the Matterhorn Bobsled ride!  (check it out, it really looks like it. .. )

Hang on… we’re coming across some white water here. One of those jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. (color not on boat) They’re the only ones that float.

We’re now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of the person next to you because we’re going to be bouncing up and down a lot! (jumps up and down, side to side) Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?

On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really interesting. It’s sad though. I come through here all the time, point these out to people, but they just take them for granite. (Alternate: See that rock right there, it’s actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.)

Python/Water Buffalo

Hey look there, what kind of snake is that? (People answer with the names of kinds of snake) No, it a plastic snake.

Python’s are one of the less intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were smart do you think that he would be hugging that dead tree stump when food is all around him.

Up ahead is our pet snake, Monty. (pause) Monty is a python

That snake weighs over 500 pounds and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET! Amazing stuff folks! (even the slower people should have caught on by now. . .)

Yup, there’s one little python, sitting in a tree, H…I…S…S…I…N…G (to the rhythm of the famous school yard chant)

Uh-oh… Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo… Actually, he’s very affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!

And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle’s most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!

There’s old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam’s offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

There’s old Trader Sam… Three explorers came through here last week and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was, they completely lost their heads.

Trader Sam was thrown out of college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of his professors, now he’s a psychologist. You can tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his basket cases.

Return to Civilization

Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say (In a feminine voice) Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Charley Browns teacher would say (In the teachers weird voice) Wa, wa, wa…etc. And now as Millie Vanilli would say (mouths the words) Thank You for riding and have a good day.

And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization! I certainly hope you’ve enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you’ve missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our “in-law” special… halfway for half fare, no questions asked.

And now, the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!

The Jungle Cruise was brought to you in part today my the letters, “a”, “c” and the number “7”

You know, many times people ask me how many people work at Disneyland. (Counting the visible cast members) Hmmm, I’d say about one out of seven!

Make sure you have all personal belongings with you… cameras, purses, small children… anything left on board will be thrown screaming to the crocodiles.

Please make sure you have all you belongings with you including your small children, if you leave them we will be forced to take them back to It’s a Small World and glue their feet to the floor and make them sing that hideous song over and over and over.

Please keep your hands inside the boat, I sure don’t want my new dock ruined.

If you liked your ride my name is (name) if you didn’t my name is Tom and I work on the Submarine Voyage.

Two of the world’s largest pygmies will assist you from the boat. Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.

You will be helped off the boat by two of the black footed albino pigmies over on the dock. These guys weigh over 500 pounds and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET!   Amazing stuff folks! (By this time, the entire boat should be saying “OVER TWENTY FEET” along with you, and loving it!)

OK rise like bread folks, no loafing around. I know my jokes are stale and crumby, and I’m sure I could do butter but its the yeast I can do on the sourdough I make here. I think I get my rye sense of humor from my dad. It’s no wonder. He’s Danish. I was born under a croissant moon and I used to be the toast of the town, until one day I just got spread too thin. Hey, where are you going, I’m on a roll!  Oh well I guess you have to jam.

OK, everybody stand up please. Those of you on the dock side will be helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn around and you’ll be helped out by the rear… of the boat that is.

When I count to three, everybody stand… the last one standing is a baby hippo. Ready? One… two… four! Look at all the baby hippos!

Do stand up… off your seats, on your feets.

All right… if you don’t stand, you’ll have to go again! I knew that would get you up.

Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don’t hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders… that’s ladies only, please!

If you feel your feet getting wet as you leave the boat, you’ve probably gone out the wrong side.

Don’t fall in the water as you leave… we’ll have to charge you extra.

Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time- I’m going to go again! (low voice)… and again, and again, and again…

Bye now.. come back and see me again when you have the courage… and enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom.

Aren’t you going to say good-bye, after all we’ve been through together?

Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise… it helps keeps the lines down.

Please don’t go out the window- you’ll get a window pane.   That would be a shuttering experience.  It would be enough to make a venetian blind.

Please exit the boat the same way you entered… pushing and shoving.

Related Steps to Magic Articles

• Fun Facts about the Jungle Cruise
• Top 10 Jungle Cruise Puns
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Jungle Cruise is a fan favorite because of the puns and jokes that the skippers tell on the ride. Here are some of the great quotes, jokes, and puns that you’re sure to love from the movie.

These quotes could also be considered spoilers. You’ve been warned.

Don’t miss the nod to Dr. Albert Falls, the explorer that found the arrowhead during his expedition. He discovered the backside of water at Schweitzer Falls.

MacGregor – If I wanted to visit a primitive backwater where I can’t understand what anyone’s saying, I would visit our relatives in Scotland.

Skipper Frank – First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of Skipper. Of all the jungle cruises you could take in the Amazon, this is undoubtedly the cheapest.

If you look to the left of the boat, you’ll see some very playful toucans. They’re playing their favorite game of beak-wrestling. The only drawback is, only two can play.

The rocks you see here are in the river are sandstone. But some people just take them for granite. It’s one of my boulder attractions.

You know, before this, I used to work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, too.

You know, they say the boa constrictor right there is capable of eating up to 500 pounds per sitting. Personally, I find that very hard to swallow.

This is the highlight of the tour. It’s my favorite part of the jungle. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the eighth Wonder of the World. Wait for it… The backside of water!

All right, listen up, I get paid by the number I take out, not by the number of people I bring back. Hold on!

Well, folks, you were all outstanding today, now I need you all out, standing on the dock. That means, “Get off my boat.” I’m only serious.

Ma’am don’t forget to collect your baggage. I’m only kidding. He’s behind you.

Frank – Careful. They can smell fear.

Lily – I am not afraid.

MacGregor – Might be me. Warm, liquid fear. A little bit more fear just came out.

Lily – Oh no, “Frank owes me money,” we leave in ten minutes.

Lily- Oh, God sorry, Frank!

Frank – It’s all right. Strong form.

Frank – Hey MacGregor. Had a girlfriend once, she was cross-eyed. Didn’t work out. We could never see eye to eye. I’m also quite sure she was seeing somebody on the side.

Lily- Tell you what Skippy, After this day, I could really do with that luxurious bath of yours. Is it, um, down there?

Frank – No, there’s no bath down there, Pants.

Lily- What?

Frank – No, the bath is out there. That’s the bath. 4,300 miles of luxurious bath. I also warmed it a little bit for you earlier. Oh, and I know you can’t swim, so if you happen to drown out there, go ahead and, uh, use the soap to wash yourself ashore.

Frank – Looks like you wet your pants, Pants.

Lily – That was a wave.

Frank – You should give up.

Lily – You should give up the guitar.

Frank – We’re headed into headhunter territory, which is a terrible place to be headed.

Lily – Oh, Frank, come one. Not now.

Frank – I can’t turn it off.

MacGragor – My sister, who just made full professor at Cambridge, has asked me to respectfully reject your invitation of membership on her behalf. Which I will do. Just not respectfully. Gentleman, you can take your invitation and you can shove it up your association.

Lily – Are you ready for your first driving lesson?

Frank – I think so, Pants.

Lily – I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into here, Frank.

Frank – A car.

Lily – Oh, your jokes. They will be the death of me. They are absolutely exhausting.

Frank – Wow, Lily.

Lily – Did you like it?

Frank – It was good! Yeah!

Lily -Are you proud of me?

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[…] Jungle Cruise Puns and Quotes Sure to Make You Laugh […]

Im no native english speaker. It seems noone in the www can explain the last pun about “exhausting”. Ok a car has an exhaust system but thats no pun. Or is that the point that she isn´t capable and he ist too polite to say so?

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Over the last 6+ decades, The Jungle Cruise has become one of Disney’s most popular and enduring attractions .

However, unlike other classics like Pirates of the Caribbean, the Haunted Mansion, Space Mountain, or the Tower of Terror, Jungle Cruise isn’t known for adventure or thrills. Rather, the attraction is most famous for being funny, from its humorous tableaus to — yes — its dad jokes.

We’re taking a look at some of the best known, and funniest, jokes the Jungle Cruise has to offer.

Before we delve into the attraction’s best jokes however, it’s important to note that this trademark humor wasn’t originally part of The Jungle Cruise, at all. In fact, when The Jungle Cruise first opened along with the rest of Disneyland in July of 1955, it was played entirely straight.

The boat ride was set as a serious, straight-laced wildlife adventure, taking many of its cues from Walt Disney’s True Life Adventures series of nature documentaries, as well as classic Hollywood films like The African Queen , and featuring serious Skippers reciting a quite serious spiel. In fact, it would take the intervention of a Disney icon to make The Jungle Cruise funny.  

In the early 1960s, Walt Disney brought in one of his most acclaimed animators – Marc Davis , of the famous “Nine Old Men of Disney Animation” – into Imagineering to plus up several of Disneyland’s attractions. Davis began with the Mine Train Through Nature’s Wonderland, to which he added several funny animal gags and other visual jokes, turning what had been a somewhat dry attraction into a whimsical favorite. From there, Walt moved Davis over to The Jungle Cruise.  

Davis would spearhead the transformation of The Jungle Cruise from the original adventurous concept to the comedic classic we know today by introducing several iconic scenes, including the elephant pool and trapped safari sequences, both of which injected heavy doses of humor into the attraction. This new comedic influence expanded to the Skipper’s spiel, which became less serious and more comedic.  

The new version of The Jungle Cruise was a massive hit with Disneyland guests, leading to the the attraction — and it’s Skipper’s spiel — becoming more and more comedic over the years.

As the attraction developed, certain jokes became massive fan favorites, surviving duplications at Walt Disney World, Tokyo Disneyland, and Honk Kong Disneyland, each and every refurbishment and even the occasional modifications from certain Skippers. Some of the most famous include:

“Wave goodbye to all those people standing on the dock, you aren’t going to see them for 2 and half weeks. Just kidding you are never going to see them again.”

This joke, and several other similar puns, introduce the comedic skipper concept to guests just as their pulling out of the dock.  

“I’d like to point out some of my favorite plants here in the jungle.”

One of the ride’s earliest puns, this joke — which sees the Skipper deliver the above line then proceed to silently point at several plants — sets the tone of the attraction to follow, just in case the more comedic elements of the queue line flew over some guests heads.  

“Does anyone know what kind of snake that is? Begins with P… not Python good guess though, Plastic!”

This joke, one of several told as the boat encounters a massive python animatronic, is one of the biggest examples of the attraction breaking the fourth wall and acknowledging that guests are on a theme park attraction.  

“ This formation on the right is actually sandstone, most people take it for granite. It’s one of our boulder attractions here in the park.”

A fine use of dad joke-level play on words puns, this joke makes light of the “fake rocks” that can be found on many Disney attractions.  

“Everyone watch out for Ginger. Ginger snaps. That’s right, she’s one TOUGH cookie. I know, I know…it’s a crumby joke, but I milk it for all I can!”

This hat-on-a-hat-on-a-hat joke about one of the animatronic gators often gets big laughs, especially in the Florida version of the attraction.  

“Do you know why it’s so hard to eat zebra? You keep getting white meat – dark meat – white meat – dark meat.”

One of the darker jokes in the spiel, told when the ride vehicle comes across a pride of lions feasting on a zebra. The segment also sometimes include a riff on the zebra simply taking a nap.

“Of course, Schweitzer Falls is named after World famous Dr. Albert Falls. If you are not familiar with the doctor don’t worry about it we are going over Falls later” and “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I proudly present the backside of water.”

Arguably the most famous Jungle Cruise jokes, especially outside the theme park fandom bubble. In fact, references to both made it into the Dwayne Johnson-starring live action Jungle Cruise film.  

“Tigers can jump over 20 feet but don’t worry we are only 15 feet away, he would just jump right over us.”

Taking place once guest’s boat encounters the massive, red-eyed animatronic tiger in the ruined temple, this joke is perhaps the clearest example of the changeover from a serious/adventurous Jungle Cruise to its more comedic incarnation.  

“It’s okay to take pictures folks, they all have their trunks on.”

Told near the Marc Davis-created elephant pool, this might be the purest pun on our list.

“Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle! I had such a good time that I’m going to do it again…and again…and again…every 15 minutes for the next 8 hours.”

One of many jokes told by Skippers as guests disembark from The Jungle Cruise, many of which revolve around meta references to their true role as a Disney Cast Member.  

Of course, there have also been some Jungle Cruise jokes that haven’t stood the test of time, including many related to the culturally insensitive Trader Sam, who was removed from the attraction in the early 2020s.  

Did we cover your favorite Jungle Cruise joke, or do you think we missed out on the ride’s most glorious puns? Let us know in the comments below.  

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2 Replies to “The Best Disney World Jungle Cruise JOKES”

one of my favorites is when the skipper asks if any one wants to be the captain and of coarse at least one kid says yes. a little while later he announces that the boat is sinking and everyone must get off except the captain because the captain goes down with the ship

My favorite: It’s Charlton Heston’s worst nightmare: Ape’s with guns…..

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Jungle cruise: the 10 best quotes from the movie.

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Why Richard Gere Was Banned From The Oscars For 20 Whole Years

Forget john wick 5 & the matrix 5, keanu reeves' potential return to 30-year-old franchise is way more exciting, everyone who has been banned from the oscars by the academy (& why).

"Do you really think my work is extraordinary," Frank asks Lily in Jungle Cruise , and the audience can absolutely say that it is as he leads them on an adventure through the Amazon to discover an immortal myth. Jungle Cruise is one of the rare movies inspired by a theme park attraction that absolutely works.

It toes the line between funny and dramatic with witty one-liners and plenty of banter that echoes the 1999 version of The Mummy . Some of the best lines in the film poke fun at the characters while others allow the audience to get to know them a little better.

MacGregor Provides The Opening Line

"all legends are born in truth.".

MacGregor Houghton, giving a speech at the Adventure Club that his sister isn't allowed to, opens the movie with a narration that spins a story of a magical cure-all. While his audience is skeptical, the movie audience knows that the speech is likely to be true.

RELATED: The Main Characters Of Jungle Cruise Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

As is the case with nearly any Disney movie that features an obscure legend or a story of magic, they always turn out to be true. It's part of the charm of the story to see the one person who believed rewarded in their faith. It's also, to a degree, true in the real world as well. Legends, fairy tales, and myths are all born from humans trying to explain something to a skeptical audience; they just feature more embellishment to entertain.

Frank Has Little Patience For His Boat's Audience

"don't interrupt me again or i'll feed you to the boa.".

When the audience sees Frank lead his first "jungle cruise" of the movie, he does it with a lot of cheesy puns about his surroundings. Those puns are borrowed directly from the Jungle Cruise theme park ride at Disney . His passengers audibly groan at the jokes, and one young girl repeatedly interrupts him and asks her mother to make it stop.

Frank jokingly tells her that another interruption will see her fed to the boa constrictor they're passing. While Frank is good-natured the entire trip, it's clear that he has little patience for the tourists that don't like his theatrics. He's just trying to entertain them while they travel and make a little extra money while doing it.

Frank Sees The Adventure As Too Dangerous

"you can't get there. nobody can. and if they could, they wouldn't.".

When Lily Houghton explains exactly what she's doing in the Amazon, Frank flatly refuses to take her on her search. That doesn't stop her from pressing, which leads to this particular quote about the dangers of the jungle and not even being able to get to the tree she's seeking out.

While the idea of the line is a trope present in plenty of adventure movies, it's also followed up by another trope - agreeing to the mission for the money. Frank eventually realizes that Lily is the real deal because she has the missing arrowhead, but the line deliveries as the two debate the trip are what truly make this line memorable. Dwayne Johnson has a rapid-fire rhythm to his words that makes it even more entertaining.

Lily Admits Frank Is Good At His Job

"you are a lot of things that i don't really care for, but you are... capable.".

Despite the friction between Lily and Frank after she learns he's been lying to her, she is willing to admit that he knows what he's doing. His boat might be a bit run down, and he might be more than willing to con a few people out of extra money, but Frank can handle himself on the river - and against a jaguar.

RELATED: 10 Disney Attractions Other Than Jungle Cruise That Would Make Great Movies

Of course, the fight with the jaguar that convinces Lily he'll be a better option than Nilo is all a set-up, but she doesn't know that yet. Even her hesitation before saying, "capable," demonstrates that she still isn't sure about taking the trip with Frank, but she's going to do it anyway.

Lily Has A Great Capacity For Empathy

"i don't have to know someone to care.".

Lily's search is all about the medical breakthroughs that will come from the magical petals of a tree that can heal all. Her search isn't because she knows someone who is sick or because she wants the power for herself. It's all because she wants to do some good in the world.

Frank refutes that because he claims he doesn't care about anyone, that he doesn't have anyone in his life that warrants that anymore. Lily, however, doesn't believe she needs someone specific in mind to care about humanity. Her empathy is part of what makes her one of Jungle Cruise's best characters .

Frank Appreciates Lily's Admiration

"do you really think my work is extraordinary".

Early in the movie, Frank and Lily have a discussion about drawing in which he admits he hasn't drawn anything in a long time because there's nothing left for him to draw. She thinks he needs a little inspiration, but discovers later that he's the cartographer who actually drew the map she's been using on her quest.

Once that's been revealed to her, Frank is able to voice a question he's likely had since she first showed him the map and complimented it to him. He's clearly been surprised and flattered by the praise. While the two have been at odds for most of the movie by that point, his question demonstrates that he does value her opinion, even if he pretends he doesn't. They are two of the smartest characters in Jungle Cruise , and have a definite respect for one another's knowledge, though their banter would otherwise hide that.

Frank Is Tired

"everything new that you see in this world, i've seen hundreds of thousands of times.".

Lily has a definite zest for life. Certain things, like swimming, might terrify her, but she's excited about everything else new in her path. She loves adventure and discovery, and her trip to the Amazon provides her with both.

RELATED: 10 Best Movies Like Disney's Jungle Cruise

While her excitement could be contagious, Frank points out to her that everything new to her is very, very old to him. Living for over 400 years can do that to someone. He's fully prepared to say good-bye to the world that he thinks doesn't have anything new to offer him, but it turns out, he might be wrong.

Frank Is Also Pragmatic

"i got tired of being stabbed, so... i trapped them in a cave.".

Frank is seen as the betrayer by his former allies. The truth is, he was just more noble than them, unwilling to kill to find a cure, and that conflict trapped him for decades once they were all cursed.

Frank grew tired of that conflict, which is understandable. As someone who couldn't truly die, but had to stay in the same place, the group of cursed former allies were bound to run into one another over and over. Since the others couldn't let the conflict go and kept coming after him with various weapons, Frank took matters into his own hands, trapping them in the jungle. It's a horrible way for them to spend hundreds of years, but it brought Frank a small amount of peace.

Lily Echoes Frank's Idea Of Love

"it could be that one person is world enough.".

Despite all of their picking on one another, Lily and Frank grow to truly care for one another over the course of their adventure. When Frank tells Lily about his desire to finally "rest," as he's tired of the world offering him nothing new, Lily echoes a sentiment he gives earlier in the movie.

Though she doesn't outright tell him that she wants him to stay with her, she may as well have. Variations of the line get repeated multiple times by both characters as they gradually come to terms with their feelings for one another. The two of them ending up in England together even sets up the potential for more adventures in a Jungle Cruise sequel .

MacGregor Speaks On Lily's Behalf

"gentlemen, you can take your invitation, and you can shove it up your association.".

MacGregor's closing speech of the movie echoes his at the start of the movie, only this time, his points aren't theoretical and from Lily's original paper. They detail the siblings' experience on the Amazon first-hand.

It's also clear that the society has learned of at least some of what the Houghtons report are true as MacGregor has an invitation for them to join. His rejection of that invitation is perfect, showing that he's more confident after his adventure, and still going to stand by his sister through everything.

NEXT: Which Jungle Cruise Character Are You Based On Your Zodiac Sign?

• Jungle Cruise (2021)

The Funniest Jungle Cruise Movie Quotes

By: Author tanialamb

Posted on Published: August 3, 2021

Have you seen Disney’s Jungle Cruise? It’s full of punny jokes that are worthy of the Disney attraction. Check out some of the funniest Jungle Cruise quotes from Skipper Frank, Lily, and MacGregor. 

Best Jungle Cruise Movie Quotes

If you’ve ridden the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland or Walt Disney World, you know the Skippers tell a bunch of corny jokes. That’s what makes the ride. They added a bunch of those Skipper quotes in the movie, Jungle Cruise , too, and I was dying laughing! Did I miss any of your favorite Jungle Cruise Skipper quotes from the movie? Drop them in the comments below!

Go on the adventure of a lifetime on Disney’s JUNGLE CRUISE, a thrill-ride down the Amazon with wisecracking skipper Frank Wolff ( Dwayne Johnson ) and researcher Dr. Lily Houghton (Emily Blunt). Lily travels from London, England to the Amazon jungle and enlists Frank’s questionable services to guide her downriver on his boat. Lily is determined to uncover an ancient tree with unparalleled healing abilities–possessing the power to change the future of medicine. Thrust on this epic quest together, the unlikely duo encounters countless dangers and supernatural forces, all lurking in the deceptive beauty of the lush rainforest. But as the secrets of the lost tree unfold, the stakes reach even higher for Lily and Frank and their fate–and mankind’s–hangs in the balance.

The Jungle Cruise can get a little dark, so check out this Jungle Cruise Parents Guide if you’re wondering about age recommendations.

Of all the Jungle Cruises you could take in the Amazon, this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. -Skipper Frank

Where were we? -Frank About to die. -Passenger

Who brings a submarine to the Amazon? -Frank

Well folks, you were all outstanding today. Now I need you all out standing on the dock. That means get off my boat. I’m only serious. -Skipper Frank

Ma’am, don’t forget to take your baggage. I’m only kidding. He’s behind you. -Skipper Frank

I had a girlfriend once. She was cross-eyed. It didn’t work out. We could never see eye-to-eye. -Frank

I’m also quite sure she was seeing somebody on the side. -Frank

I have been turned out from come of the best clubs in Europe. -MacGregor

Haven’t you been dreaming of another adventure? -Lily

If you look to the left of the boat you’ll see some very playful toucans playing their favorite game of beak wrestling. The only drawback is… only two can play. -Frank

The rocks you see here in the river are sandstone, but some people just take them for granite.  It’s one of my boulder attractions. -Frank

You know, before this I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate. Yeah they put the squeeze on me, too. -Frank

You know they say the boa constrictor right there is capable of eating up to 500 lbs per sitting. Personally I find that very hard to swallow. -Frank

Mommy, can you please make him stop? -Little Girl No one can. And don’t interrupt me like that again. I will feed you to the boa. -Frank She is a small child. -Mother He loves small children. -Frank

Ladies and gentleman, the 8th wonder of the world…the backside of water. -Frank

It looks just like the front side. -Passenger It’s completely different; it’s the 8th wonder of the world. The backside of water. Guys get your cameras out. You don’t want to miss this. Snap, snap, snap. -Frank

Listen up, I get paid by the number of people I take out, not by the number of people I bring back. -Frank

You are deeply unpleasant and off-key. -Lily

Is there a single thing I can trust about you? -Lily Not a thing. -Frank

She stood by me and for that I’d follow her into a volcano. -MacGregor

Remember it’s only a scam if you fall for it. -Frank

Saturday 5th of February 2022

I think that the jokes are the best part of the movie, they are so funny we couldn't stop laughing especially my dad.

Monday 29th of November 2021

i just watched this and its the best movie so far that I have watched

Countrygirly

@Mark, I agree, it is so funny! I watched it for the first time on my way to Hawaii.

Kaesen Dudley

I loved The Jungle Cruise! Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the best thing in the movie. He's funny, but also serious in his acting career.

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Friday 12th of November 2021

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[…] is for the funny Jungle Cruise Skipper quotes. If you’re a fan of the Disney ride, you won’t want to miss Skipper Frank’s […]

Jungle Cruise Jokes: Hilarious Quips and Puns from the River Safari

• March 16, 2024

Whether you have taken a ride on the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland or Walt Disney World, you know that the jungle cruise jokes are a highlight of the experience. The skippers who guide the boats through the exotic landscapes of the jungle are known for their quick wit, puns, and clever one-liners. These hillarious jungle cruise jokes keep riders entertained and laughing throughout the entire tour.

The playful banter and comedic timing of the skippers make the Jungle Cruise a must-do attraction for visitors of all ages. The jokes are filled with puns, double entendres, and clever wordplay that showcase the skipper’s comedic talents and improvisational skills. Each skipper puts their own spin on the script, ensuring that no two tours are exactly the same.

Best Jungle Cruise Jokes

Here’s five jokes about Jungle Cruise:

1. “Why don’t we ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at hippo-tizing their prey!”

2. “Did you hear about the jungle tree that was a big fan of music? It had jungle leaves!”

3. “What is a pirate’s favorite part of the jungle cruise? The arrrr-ganutan exhibit!”

4. “Why did the monkey like the banana on the jungle cruise? Because it had a-peeling scenery!”

5. “I heard the mosquitoes in the jungle are so big, they have their own zip code! That’s one buzzing neighborhood!”

Family Friendly Jungle Cruise Jokes

Here’s some family friendly funny jokes about Jungle Cruise:

1. Why did the monkey like to ride on the Jungle Cruise? Because he heard it was a swinging good time!

2. What did the lion say to the Jungle Cruise guide? “I’m mane-ly here for the bad puns!”

3. Why do elephants never get lost on the Jungle Cruise? Because they always remember the way trunk-ated!

4. What did the tour guide say when the boat ran out of gas on the Jungle Cruise? “Looks like we’re in for a bit of a conundrum!”

5. Why did the snake bring a ruler on the Jungle Cruise? To see how long the line was!

6. How does a gorilla like his Jungle Cruise jokes? Ape-ricotable!

7. What did the giraffe say to the zebras on the Jungle Cruise? “I hear the views are quite neck-st level!”

8. Why don’t the hippos on the Jungle Cruise ever get cold? Because they’re always wearing their hippo-thermal suits!

9. What do you call a crate full of talking parrots on the Jungle Cruise? A squawk box!

10. How do you know if a crocodile has been on the Jungle Cruise ride? The jokes are extra croc-tastic!

11. Why did the Jungle Cruise skipper bring a map on the boat? Just in case they needed to navigate the Amazon-jungle of puns!

12. What’s a pirate’s favorite part of the Jungle Cruise? The treasure trove of bad jokes!

13. Why did the toucan refuse to sit at the back of the boat on the Jungle Cruise? He didn’t want to be toucan jam!

14. What did the Jungle Cruise guide say to the passengers when they saw a waterfall? “Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the bad jokes and river cruises you’re used to!”

15. What do you call a group of chimpanzees on the Jungle Cruise boat? A prime-mate audience for puns!

16. Why did the Jungle Cruise guide bring a backpack full of jokes? To make sure they were always packed with pun-chlines!

17. What’s the best way to catch a butterfly on the Jungle Cruise? Just butter up with some good puns and they’ll flutter right in!

18. How do you describe a boat full of laughing tourists on the Jungle Cruise? A vessel of hyster-sea-cal pun lovers!

19. What did the Jungle Cruise guide do when the boat got a flat tire? He had to make a pun-expected pit stop!

20. Why did the Jungle Cruise guide bring a thesaurus on board? To find even more ways to say “that was pun-believable!”

Jungle Cruise Jokes One-liners – Short Jokes

1. Why did the monkey like to swing on the vines? It was a real swinger! 2. What do you call a lion who loves to tell jokes on the Jungle Cruise? A pun-dit! 3. How do you know when an elephant is in the room? You can hear it stomping around! 4. Why did the zebra go on a cruise through the jungle? To find its stripes, of course! 5. What do you call a group of apes who love to dance in the jungle? The cha-cha chimps! 6. Why did the snake get a job as a comedian in the jungle? He had a great sense of hiss-ter! 7. What do you call a nervous toucan in the Jungle Cruise? A twittering bird! 8. How do you know when a crocodile is in a bad mood? It has a real snap to its step! 9. Why did the tiger wear stripes to the Jungle Cruise party? He heard it was a “roaring” good time! 10. What do you call a lost parrot in the jungle? A squawking clue-seeker! 11. Why did the gorilla bring a banana to the party on the Jungle Cruise? It wanted to “apeel” to everyone there! 12. What did the jaguar say to the explorer on the Jungle Cruise? “You won’t catch me lying around in my spots!” 13. Why did the hippo think it could keep up with the speed boat on the Jungle Cruise? It was a real water-cutioner! 14. What’s a panda’s favorite ride on the Jungle Cruise? The bamboo raft! 15. Why did the leopard get left behind in the jungle? It couldn’t change its spots fast enough! 16. What do you call a lion feeling under the weather on the Jungle Cruise? A big “meow-tain” to climb! 17. Why did the giraffe wear a tie on the Jungle Cruise? It wanted to look neck-tacular! 18. What do you call a spider hitching a ride on the boat? An itsy-bitsy stowaway! 19. Why did the elephant bring an umbrella on the Jungle Cruise? It heard the weather forecast was calling for a trunk-plashing good time! 20. What did the wise owl say to the Jungle Cruise captain? “You’re a real hoot out here on the river!”

Jungle Cruise Dad Jokes

1. Why did the monkey get hired to work on the Jungle Cruise? Because he had a great branch manager! 2. I heard the Jungle Cruise skipper got a promotion. Now they’re a branch manager! 3. What did the elephant say to the Jungle Cruise skipper? You’re irrelephant! 4. Why did the Jungle Cruise skipper bring a ladder on the boat? To go above and beyond! 5. I asked the Jungle Cruise skipper if they were tired of telling the same jokes every day. They said it’s just a part of the jungle rhythm! 6. The Jungle Cruise skipper told me a pun about the piranhas, but it was a bit fishy. 7. Why did the Jungle Cruise skipper bring a map on the boat? To navigate the punchlines! 8. What do you call a group of Jungle Cruise skippers? A bunch of pun-dits! 9. The Jungle Cruise skipper’s favorite joke is about the gorillas. It always goes bananas! 10. I asked the Jungle Cruise skipper if they were a good swimmer. They said they’re just trying to stay afloat with all these puns! 11. I told the Jungle Cruise skipper I was feeling a bit lost. They said I was in luck because they’re a professional at navigating both rivers and puns! 12. Why did the Jungle Cruise skipper bring a life jacket on the boat? To stay afloat with all these sea-rious jokes! 13. The Jungle Cruise skipper tried to tell me a joke about the crocodiles, but it was a bit snappy. 14. I asked the Jungle Cruise skipper if they ever get tired of the same old routine. They said it’s all part of the wild ride! 15. Why did the Jungle Cruise skipper bring a compass on the boat? To find their way to the punchline! 16. The Jungle Cruise skipper told me a joke about the hippos, but it was a bit hard to digest. 17. What did the Jungle Cruise skipper say to the passengers when they saw a snake? Don’t worry, it’s just a constricting schedule! 18. I asked the Jungle Cruise skipper if they were a good navigator. They said they can always find their way back to the humor! 19. Why did the Jungle Cruise skipper bring a flashlight on the boat? To shine a light on all these puns! 20. The Jungle Cruise skipper tried to tell me a joke about the tigers, but it really wasn’t their stripe.

Jungle Cruise Surreal Jokes

1. Why did the zebra bring a pencil to the jungle cruise? In case it needed to draw a map of its stripes! 2. What do you call a monkey who loves to take photos on the jungle cruise? A snap-happy chimp! 3. How do elephants pay for their tickets on the jungle cruise? With trunk credit! 4. Why did the lion bring a feather on the jungle cruise? In case it needed to take some notes in its mane-agerial role! 5. What do you get when you cross a snake with a boat on the jungle cruise? A hiss-terical ride! 6. Why was the gorilla always chosen to be the jungle cruise’s tour guide? Because he knew how to go ape over the scenic route! 7. What do you call a crocodile wearing a life jacket on the jungle cruise? An undercover gator! 8. Why did the toucan refuse to fly during the jungle cruise? It was on a beak-mandated break! 9. What do you call a parrot that tells jokes on the jungle cruise? Polly-want-a-laughs-a-lot! 10. Why did the jaguar bring a map and compass on the jungle cruise? In case it got stuck in a “paws”! 11. What do you call a hippo who loves to dance on the jungle cruise? A river ballet aficionado! 12. Why did the sloth get hired as the jungle cruise’s timekeeper? Because it always took things slow and steady! 13. What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a boat on the jungle cruise? A necks-t level ride! 14. Why did the koala bring a eucalyptus tree on the jungle cruise? In case it needed a snack in the “bear-y” wild! 15. What do you call a flamingo with a bent beak on the jungle cruise? A flam-ingo with the flow! 16. Why did the otter bring a snorkel on the jungle cruise? To dive into the depths of pun-derwater humor! 17. What do you get when you cross a monkey with a boat on the jungle cruise? A banana boat ride like no other! 18. Why did the rhino refuse to wear a life jacket on the jungle cruise? It didn’t want to be hornswoggled by the safety regulations! 19. What do you call a snake with stage fright on the jungle cruise? A hiss-terical performer! 20. Why did the cheetah get fired as the jungle cruise’s speed monitor? It couldn’t stop “spot”-ting shortcuts!

Jungle Cruise Dark Humor Jokes

Here’s some funny Jungle Cruise jokes for adults:

1. Why did the rhino refuse to get on the Jungle Cruise boat? It had heard animal control was waiting at the dock. 2. How did the guide calm the nervous passengers when the boat hit a rock? He just told them it was a new ride feature – “Rockin’ Rapids.” 3. Why did the monkeys steal all the bananas from the boat? They heard there was going to be a shortage of potassium in the jungle. 4. How does the Jungle Cruise guide like their coffee? Grounds for adventure. 5. What’s a jungle explorer’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good beat. 6. Why did the tour guide bring a ladder on the boat? In case they needed to ‘branch’ out their exploration. 7. What did the jungle explorer say when they saw a snake in the water? “Sssslither away from me, please!” 8. Why don’t jungle animals play cards in the boat? Too many cheetahs. 9. What do you call a group of overly confident toucans on the Jungle Cruise? TouCAN play that game. 10. What did the Jungle Cruise guide say to the lazy sloth? “Hang in there, buddy.” 11. If the Jungle Cruise guide were a stand-up comedian, they’d be sure to have a lot of ‘puns’ of fun. 12. Why did the boat of tourists scream when they saw a crocodile in the water? They were just caught up in the ‘jaws’ of the moment. 13. What do you get when you cross a hippo and a rhino on the Jungle Cruise? Hell if I know, I’m not sticking around to find out. 14. Why did the parrot sit at the back of the boat? It wanted to be a ‘stern’ mate. 15. How does a Jungle Cruise guide keep their cool with all the wild animals around? They just go with the ‘flow’. 16. What’s a pirate’s favorite part of the Jungle Cruise? The ‘booty’-ful sights along the way. 17. Why don’t Jungle Cruise guides ever get lost? They always ‘leaf’ a trail behind them. 18. What did the explorer say when they found a treasure map in the jungle? “X marks the spot for a good time!” 19. Why don’t elephants ever forget their Jungle Cruise experience? Because they have ‘trunk’ loads of memories. 20. What did the Jungle Cruise guide do when the boat got stranded on a sandbar? Just called it a ‘beach break’ and told everyone to relax.

How to Use Jungle Cruise Jokes In a Conversation?

Jungle Cruise jokes are light-hearted and filled with puns, making them a fun addition to any conversation. Whether you’re trying to break the ice with new acquaintances or add humor to a casual chat with friends, incorporating these jokes can lead to plenty of laughs. Here’s how you can effectively use Jungle Cruise jokes in your conversations:

Setting the Scene

When you’re about to tell a Jungle Cruise joke, it can be helpful to set the scene. You can start by mentioning a fictional river journey or a wild adventure to create a playful atmosphere. This helps to build anticipation and sets the tone for the joke that’s about to follow.

Timing is Key

Like with any joke, timing is crucial when sharing Jungle Cruise jokes. Look for natural pauses in the conversation or moments where a witty remark would fit seamlessly. Avoid interrupting others or forcing the joke into the discussion – instead, wait for the right moment to deliver it for maximum impact.

Embrace the Puns

Jungle Cruise jokes are known for their clever wordplay and puns. Embrace this aspect and have fun with the language. Whether it’s a pun about animals, explorers, or the jungle itself, lean into the humor and enjoy the playful nature of the jokes.

Keep it Light

One of the great things about Jungle Cruise jokes is that they’re light-hearted and whimsical. When using these jokes in a conversation, aim to keep the mood upbeat and positive. These jokes work best in casual settings where everyone is in the mood for a bit of fun.

Be Authentic

Lastly, be yourself when sharing Jungle Cruise jokes. Inject your personality and sense of humor into the delivery to make the jokes more engaging. Your genuine enjoyment of the jokes will be contagious, and others are likely to join in on the fun.

Final words

In conclusion, the Jungle Cruise jokes have been entertaining guests at Disney Parks for decades, providing a whimsical and humorous experience as they journey through exotic landscapes filled with animatronic animals and lush scenery. These witty and pun-filled scripts have become a beloved part of the attraction, adding a layer of light-hearted fun to the adventure. Whether it’s the iconic backside of water joke or the clever wordplay sprinkled throughout the ride, the jungle cruise jokes never fail to bring smiles and laughter to guests of all ages.

Overall, the Jungle Cruise jokes have stood the test of time, remaining a popular and entertaining aspect of the ride that continues to charm visitors with its corny yet endearing humor. These hillarious jungle cruise jokes have become a staple of the Disney experience, showcasing the creativity and comedic talent of the Imagineers who crafted them. So, the next time you embark on a Jungle Cruise adventure, be sure to keep an ear out for these legendary jokes that have become a beloved tradition at the Disney Parks.

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25 Jungle Cruise Quotes Packed With Puns, Fun, and Adventure

Check these 25 Jungle Cruise quotes that will quench your thirst for an adventure packed with jokes and unforgettable memories!

Jungle Cruise is a Disney movie starring Emily Blunt and Dwayne Johnson. Interestingly, the storyline was based on a Disney park ride.

The movie tackles the adventure of Frank Wolff and Lily Houghton, who venture off from a Brazilian port town into the depths of the Amazon. As a doctor, Lily’s primary goal is to find the legendary tree that’s said to have extraordinary healing abilities. 

The two are an unlikely pair, but they continue with their quest. However, the Amazon rainforest is full of dangers that no one can fathom. So, they must learn how to work together to succeed in their mission and, ultimately, to survive.

Read through our list if you want to join Frank and Lily in their adventure! We’re sure you’ll enjoy this list of the best Jungle Cruise quotes!

And don’t forget to check out these Jumanji quotes and Cast Away quotes .

Best Jungle Cruise Quotes

1. “You can’t get there. Nobody can. And if they could, they wouldn’t.” – Frank Wolff

2. “Everything new that you see in this world, I’ve seen hundreds of thousands of times.” – Frank Wolff

3. “All legends are born in truth. From the Amazon came the legend of the Tears of the Moon. A single petal from the Great Tree could cure away any illness and break any curse.” – MacGregor Houghton

4. “It could be that one person is world enough.” – Dr. Lily Houghton

5. “You are a lot of things that I don’t really care for, but you are capable.” – Dr. Lily Houghton

6. “Don’t interrupt me again, or I’ll feed you to the boa.” – Frank Wolff

7. “Hands in the boat. Know this about the jungle: everything that you see wants to kill you. And can.” – Frank Wolff

8. “I don’t have to know someone to care.” – Dr. Lily Houghton

9. “If you’re lucky enough to have one person in this world to care about, then that’s more than enough for me.” – Frank Wolff

10. “Gentlemen, you can take your invitation, and you can shove it up your association.” – MacGregor Houghton

Memorable Jungle Cruise Quotes That Won’t Escape Your Thoughts

11. “Remember, it’s only a scam if you fall for it.” – Frank Wolff

12. “If you believe in legends, you should believe in curses too.” – Frank Wolff

13. “I get paid by the number of people I take out, not by the number of people I bring back.” – Frank Wolff

14. “The rocks you see in the river are sandstone, but some people just take them for granite. It’s one of my boulder attractions.” – Frank Wolff

15. “First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of skipper. Of all the jungle cruises you could take in the Amazon, this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. But also the most thrilling.” – Frank Wolff

Jungle Cruise Quotes to Feel All the Action

16. “Do you really think my work is extraordinary?” – Frank Wolff

17. Frank Wolff: “Where were we?”

Boat Passenger: “About to die.”

18. “We’re headed into headhunter territory, which is a terrible place to beheaded.” – Frank Wolff

19. Dr. Lily Houghton: “Is there a single thing I can trust about you?”

Frank Wolff: “Not a thing.”

20. Frank Wolff: “Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the eighth Wonder of the World. Wait for it. The backside of water!”

Boat Passenger: “It looks just like the front side.”

Frank Wolff: “It’s completely different. It’s the eighth Wonder of the World—the backside of water.”

21. “What do you think, Muscles? Will you sacrifice your petal for her?” – Prince Joachim

More Jungle Cruise Quotes That Will Keep You Entertained

22. “If you look to the left, you’ll see toucans playing their favorite game of beak wrestling. The only drawback is—only two can play.” – Frank Wolff

23. “Before this job, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.” – Frank Wolff

24. “Dead, I’d have to carry you. Dead’s a lot harder, lady.” – Frank Wolff

25. “I had a girlfriend. She was cross-eyed. We’d never see eye to eye. Also quite sure she was seeing someone—on the side.” – Frank Wolff

Which Jungle Cruise Quotes Taught You Meaningful Life Lessons?

Jungle Cruise is famous for its unforgettable puns. However, let’s not forget that it’s also a movie that teaches its viewers lessons on leadership and compassion. This can be seen primarily through our protagonists, Frank and Lily.

Frank says, “If you’re lucky enough to have one person in this world to care about, then that’s more than enough for me.” This is a profound line that we should all keep in mind. Imagine a world without someone to love; wouldn’t it be purposeless?

Lily also has inspiring quotes like, “I don’t have to know someone to care.” As a doctor, she doesn’t discriminate against anyone; anyone who needs help will get it from her. We are not all doctors in real life, but we should learn compassion and care from her.

Life is a give-and-take. And, as we’ve learned from Frank, live life with a purpose; move forward with the power of love. We all need someone to love and care for to give us the drive we need to wake up to another day; without them, what are we living for?

We hope these quotes were able to shift your perspective on life. Remember that Jungle Cruise is more than just about the jokes. It’s a movie with inspiring lessons, too!

• 30 Jumanji Quotes on Going on a Once-In-A-Lifetime Adventure
• 25 They Live Quotes for an Otherworldly Experience
• 25 The Gentlemen Quotes Packed With Words to Live By

Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen , a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn .

Jungle Cruise: Frank's Best Dad Jokes - and Why He Uses Them

Dwayne Johnson's Frank deploys a series of dad jokes at the beginning of Jungle Cruise in a clear call-out to the ride that inspired the film.

WARNING: The following contains spoilers for Jungle Cruise , now available in theaters and on Disney+ Premier Access.

Disney is no stranger to silly wordplay, with many of their films finding ways to insert some form of banter or snark into their characters. The protagonists of Marvel, Star Wars and Disney films often have a sly tongue and a clever wit, and that affection for jokes is front and center in  Jungle Cruise .

Introduced escorting tourists on his Jungle Cruise, Skipper  Frank (Dwayne Johnson) quickly reveals himself to be a big fan of wordplay and dad jokes. Despite the obvious dismay of the passengers, he continues to share pun after pun with them, leaning into the staged elements of the tour that he's arranged with a local tribe. Frank tells a number of such gags in quick succession, such as "you'll see toucans playing their favorite game of beak wrestling. The only drawback is only two-can play," "look at those elephants bathing over there. You know, you may think that’s water coming out of their trunks but it’s snot," and "before this job, I worked in an orange juice factory. Got canned, couldn't concentrate. They put the squeeze on me, too."

RELATED:  Disney Bundle's The Streamer Begins Livestream With A Stream Of Water

As with any fan of dad jokes, the groans of the passengers as he makes the gags only seem to encourage Frank to indulge even more in his habit. This is actually very in keeping with the spirit of the Disney Parks ride that inspired the film. First launched in Disneyland in 1955 and recently renovated , the Jungle Cruise attraction is a slow and leisurely ride in a small boat through the various jungles of the world. The Boat Captain reads from a defined script that leans heavily into similar word-play. In fact, many of Frank's jokes are lifted directly from the ride, including the orange juice factory and the toucans.

Frank even replicates the fan-favorite "eighth wonder of the world: the back-side of water" gag. It plays into his overall con of the Jungle Cruise, with many of the little beats and tricks of the tour matching props from the original ride -- including a false hippo that bursts out of the water to try and scare people. In short, it's an extended homage to the ride that also establishes Frank's basic character and his surprisingly light but artificial attitude. It also sets up the film's sense of light-hearted fun even when dealing with cursed conquistadors and ruthless enemies.

RELATED:  Is Disney's Jungle Cruise Kid-Friendly? How Scary Does It Get?

The original attraction largely lacks a narrative through line , primarily being a pleasant ride full of little gags. Since  Jungle Cruise  can't get by just on those elements, it instead largely focuses on Frank's journey into the jungle alongside the explorers, Lily ( Emily Blunt ) and her brother MacGregor (Jack Whitehall). But the wordplay and light tone established in those early minutes with Frank continues throughout, and it serves as a quiet tease of how much of Frank's tactics -- and history -- are fabricated for the appearance of it. But by allowing him to basically recreate the popular ride's aesthetic for a short period, Frank is able to imbue Jungle Cruise  with a strong connection to its original inspiration while also just having fun with some silly jokes.

To catch all of Frank's puns, see Jungle Cruise in theaters or on Disney+ Premier Access.

KEEP READING:  Jungle Cruise's Charm & Sense Of Adventure Keeps The Film Afloat

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All The Jungle Cruise Easter Eggs & Puns You May Have Missed

July 30, 2021 By Ashley Leave a Comment

Pirates of the Caribbean meets Indiana Jones meets The Mummy in Disney's all new Jungle Cruise . This thrilling, action adventure joyride is packed with wit, charm, and plenty of well-placed puns worthy of the ride itself. And yes that means plenty of nods to the attraction including the 8th wonder of the world. Here are all the Jungle Cruise Easter eggs and puns you may have missed.

Spoilers ahead if you haven't see Jungle Cruise .

Jungle Cruise Easter Eggs & Puns

Dr. Lily Houghton is after a sacred arrowhead that an expedition led by Albert Falls  managed to recover. On the ride, guests are told that Schweitzer Falls is named after Dr. Albert Falls. Skipper Canteen , which is a Jungle Cruise themed restaurant at Walt Disney World, confirmed that Dr. Albert Falls founded the Jungle Navigation Company with his granddaughter Alberta eventually taking it over.

Skipper Frank Wolff makes several puns throughout the river cruise. The first that out of all the cruises they could've booked, this one is the cheapest . Two toucans are playing in a tree. But only two can play. He also references the rock pun taking it for granite , as it is a boulder attraction . 

The guests are told to keep hands inside the boat , a nod to the safety spiel given at the beginning of each ride.

Several fake animals are spotted during the cruise including a Hippo and Boa Constrictor. There is also an “attack” by natives . They are clearly actors working for Frank. 

RELATED: Jungle Cruise Movie Review: Adventure, Charm, and Puns Equal Epic Fun  

The 8th Wonder of The World, The Backside of Water!

David Lengel who played Phil Jones in WandaVision is one of the guests on the boat.

When they get back to the dock Frank tells another pun as the guests disembark, as they should be outstanding on the dock . 

Back in the town, Frank loses his engine to Nilo, a man he owes money too. Nilo's bird is none other than Rosita , the missing bird from the Enchanted Tiki Room. Rosita was one of the showgirl birds in the Tiki room who eventually left for her own gains. She can be seen at the Tropical Hideaway restaurant, and is visible from the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland. 

Nilo's last name Nemolato is from the concept artist Luca Nemolato who worked on Jungle Cruise and Dwayne Johnson's upcoming Black Adam amongst other projects. 

Lily's blouse, coat and map can be found in the queue at Disneyland's Jungle Cruise . Her coat along with Frank's is seen in the office of Alberta Falls. The map is framed in the Jungle Navigation Company boathouse. Her map also appears in an office inside the queue at Walt Disney World's Jungle Cruise .

As Frank, Lily, and MacGregor make their way down the Amazon, they encounter piranha. At one point they enter  headhunter territory . And that isn't a place you want to be headed . Another classic ride pun. 

They are captured by a group of people who end up being led by Trader Sam and are friends of Frank's whom he hired to scare away the Houghtons. On the ride, Trader Sam is the head salesman of the jungle.  He is also seen wearing a top hat . In the film, Veronica Falcón's Sam, gets the hat from Lily in exchange for translating what the arrowhead says. 

Her tribe, while attempting to scare Lily and MacGregor run through all the “scary” things they do on the ride. Pounding sticks on the ground and beating drums . 

In order to locate the Tears of the Moon tree, they must sail into a temple . The temple resembles that of the one you enter during the ride.

Frank's business is called the Jungle Navigation Company , which is the name of the fictional company that owns the ride at the parks.

The Jungle Cruise is now in theaters and on Disney+ Premiere Access . 

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100+ Hilarious Jungle Cruise Jokes to Keep Your Expedition Rolling

Jungle Cruise, one of the iconic attractions at Disney theme parks, is known for its witty and pun-filled commentary. The jokes told by the skippers on the Jungle Cruise are an integral part of the experience, adding humor and entertainment to the scenic river journey. From clever wordplay to hilarious one-liners, Jungle Cruise jokes have become legendary among Disney fans. In this blog, we will explore some of the best Jungle Cruise jokes that will make you laugh out loud and appreciate the comedic talent of the skippers. So get ready for a wild and pun-tastic adventure!

Jungle Cruise Jokes One-Liners: Riding the Rapids of Humor ( Editors Pick) 

1. Why is red so similar to wandering in the woods? This is a real “monkey adventure”!

2. What does the elephant say about sailing through the jungle? This is amazing”!

3. Why don’t the lions play cards on the Jungle Tour? More cheetahs!

4. What did the jungle tourist say to the snake? “The next view is amazing!” It has a good “crust”!

5. Why do explorers carry ladders on their forest journeys? “Climb the Word” with high expectations!

6. Which are your favorite pirates on Jungle Cruise? A “treasure trove” of jokes!

7. Why do parrots refuse to fly on a forest trip? He’s afraid of “improvising”!

8. What does the Crocodile say to Jungle Cruise tourists? “Hello, crocodile!”

9. Why do adventurers carry maps when boating through the jungle? “Travel” with laughter!

10. Why doesn’t the tiger listen to the forest walk? It has “roaring” shock absorbers!

11. What is your favorite day of the week for Jungle Cruise Tour Guides? “Happy Monday”!

12. Why are tourists in the forest happy? He has a “wild” sense of humor!

13. What do you call a lazy person who goes on vacation? A traveler is “napping”!

14. Why do giraffes go on a forest trip? It’s so much fun to “hook up”!

15. What does Jaguar say about Jungle Patrol? This is the “just right” adventure!

16. Why don’t monkeys go on forest walks? They love to “hang out” in the trees!

17. What do you call a tourist who lies? “Pun” traveler!

18. Why do snakes walk in the forest? She wants to “sizzle” while doing it! What is today’s hippo on Jungle Cruise? A “water traveler”!

19. Why do explorers carry cameras on forest journeys? Enjoy the “wild” fun time!

20. Why do koalas like to go boating in the forest? This is the perfect eucalyptus for laughter!

Disney Cruise Jokes : Navigating the Wild Waters of Wit

1. Why Is Jungle Trip Not the Favorite of Pirates? Imagine that what they were worried about was “hitting a rock” while laughing!

2. What do you say when a tourist lies? Real “punishment” march!

3. Why are snakes acting as tour guides on forest trips like this? He has a talent for spouting the greatest puns!

4. Why do explorers carry maps when sailing through the jungle? Find your way through every “Jungle” pun and joke!

5. Why don’t elephants listen to Jungle Cruise? Because they are in a state of “body control”!

6. When is the time for a smart forest trip? “Humerus” walk!

7. Why don’t lions like forest trips? Because they want the “happy” rock instead of the “pun” rock!

8. Why do adventurers bring cameras for jungle safaris? Record every moment of “crazy” fun!

9. Why do the snakes on the Jungle Cruise never disappear? Because they always know the “south” direction!

10. What do you call a tourist who doesn’t make jokes in the forest? Funny “puns”

11. What attracts koalas to boating in the jungle? Think of it as a “eucalyptus” ideal for laughter!

12. Disneyland where are your favorite pirates? Adventure Travel because it’s fun and “adventure”!

13. Why do adventurers carry backpacks full of jokes through the jungle? Non-stop fun is guaranteed!

14.  Why are explorers always well prepared to sail through the jungle? His “box” is full of jokes!

15. What do tourists walking in the forest say to the trees? “Work, where are we going!”

Jungle Cruise Dad Jokes: Sailing Smoothly into Silly Territory

1. How did the Parrot react when asked about the Jungle Trip? “Polly needs a fun pun!” “Time” is how long it takes before everyone starts laughing!

2. Why don’t gorillas get bored on a Jungle Trip? I think they’re laughing all the time!

3. Which forest animal do pirates like the most? A “happy” crocodile of course!

4. Why do people always find Jungle Tour Guides so popular? Because he’s so good at “playing tricks” with words!

5. Why do explorers book jungle trips? Every “roar” pun should be saved for later use!

6. What do explorers think about sailing through the jungle? This trip across the country was *so* fun!

7. Why should tourists carry a map? Make sure they never get “lost” in the sea of ​​laughter!

8. Why do jungle adventurers carry flashlights? Add “sparkle” to every clever joke!

9. Jungle Cruise made the crocodile laugh, but why? Because it’s full of puns and “long”!

10. Why do explorers wear life jackets when boating in the jungle? If they laugh too much they will fall off the boat!

11. Which are your favorite pirates on Jungle Cruise? “Aha” moment!

12. Why don’t rhinos go on jungle journeys? They have a “horny” inner compass!

13..Why not a forest trip? More “hissing” twists and turns!

14. What is the Jungle Cruise Tour Guide’s favorite? Hat “pun”!

15. Why is the lion so happy sailing through the forest? Sounds like a “roaring” good time!

River Cruise Jokes : Exploring the Jungle of Censored Chuckles

1. Why do monkeys carry ladders on their forest journeys? I’m going crazy to see it!

 2. What do you call a crocodile wearing a tuxedo on a jungle trip? detective! 

3. Why did the elephants carry the box on the forest trip? He felt like it was a friend’s body!

4. How do you know when you have reached the end of your jungle journey? When you’re done with your word games!

5. What did the lion say to his friend after taking a boat tour in the forest? “I appreciate the mane!”

6. Why do snakes refuse to go boating in the forest? He doesn’t want to get in trouble! 

7. What do you call the group of hippos on the Jungle Cruise? joy!

8. Why does the bird sit at the front of the ship on the Jungle Cruise? He wants to be a smart person!

9. What do you call a fun tour guide in the forest? Guide for word games!

10. Why do the monkeys on the Jungle Cruise carry notebooks? List all “monkeys”

11. Why are hippos useful in jungle journeys? Because they love the “water” of laughter

12. Why do explorers carry flutes while sailing through the jungle? Show off all the word games you can think of!

13. How to catch a squirrel in the forest? Climb the tree and act crazy!

14.  Why do explorers take time to stop on jungle expeditions? “Time” all laugh!

Jungle Cruise Jokes Cross Eyed: Seeing Double the Laughs on Your Adventure

1. “I asked the jungle tour guide why his eyes were always squinting. He said it was because he was always looking for wildlife from us. I guess we can say he’s always on the lookout!”

2. “​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​’Forest Trip’ Apparently the tourist on board was blind and once mistook a tree branch for a snake and nearly jumped out of his seat! It’s easy to scare. In the woods? Captain Cross? 

3. -Did your eyes open while walking through the woods? Bring a compass and mirror! 

4. What do you call the person who looks at the opposite side of the forest? Disaster for tourists!

5.  Why does Captain Squint wear sunglasses on his jungle trip? See twice as much wildlife! 

6. What was your favorite part of Captain Squint’s Jungle Journey? A place where they can come into contact with all animals!

7. Why did the cross-eyed leader become the leader of the forest? Because he thought it was a good way to increase depth.

Recommended: Amazon Rainforest Jokes

Jungle Cruise Jokes From The Ride: Riding the Waves of Humor Along the River

1. Why do monkeys love crocodiles? Because she considers herself a real dresser!

 2. What do you call a group of lions playing in the forest? Pride! 

3. Why don’t elephants use computers in the forest? They are afraid to click

 4. How do you know if a snake is a good dancer? It has an amazing performance! 

5. What is the name of the gorilla who likes to tell jokes? Monkey comedian indeed!

6. Why does a zebra go to the forest to go to school? He wants to learn his lines!

 7. How do monkeys in the forest live together? They sent banana letters

 8. Leopard’s favorite music? Hip-hop because they like to attack to beat! 

9. Why do monkeys like to play with elephants? Because their bodies are always full of jokes!

10.  What do you call a group of lions playing poker? Very happy!

11. Why do hippos never fall into the forest? Because they always know the way back to shore!

12. How do you know if a snake is a good dancer? It has an amazing performance!

13. What do you call laziness? Shut your mouth! 

14.  Why do zebras go to school? Learn his lines! 

15. What is the pirates’ favorite forest animal? Ahhh-angutans!

Funny Jungle Cruise Jokes: Laughing Through the Jungle Canopy

1. Why do elephants carry boxes on a forest trip? Because he needs to pack his bags! 

2. What is the name of the eared gorilla? No matter what you think, he can’t hear you over the noise in the forest! 

3. Why does the tiger sit in the middle of the ship during the jungle trip? He wants to be the “center” of attention! 

4. How can monkeys stay safe on a jungle trip? They always bring banana escort! 

5. What did the snake say when it got lost in the forest? “I’m totally hooked!”

6. Why do hippos never fall into the forest? Because they always know how to get back to their favorite bar on the Jungle Cruise!

7. What is the director’s favorite song in Jungle Cruise? Rock’n’roll, of course; these rocks are everywhere!

8. Why do elephants carry boxes on a forest trip? Because he needs to pack his bags!

9. What is the name of the eared gorilla? No matter what you think, he can’t hear your voice at the waterfall!

10.  Why do hippos never fall into the forest? Because they always know the way to the river!

11.  How do you know if a snake is a good dancer? She has beautiful hips like a rattlesnake!

12. Why does the tiger stand on the clock during the boat ride through the jungle? He wants to eat his next meal on time! 

13.  What do you call a group of monkeys playing cards in the forest? A bucket of red, of course!

14.  Why does the crocodile wear sunglasses in Jungle Cruise? Look cool while sunbathing, of course!

15.  What’s your favorite part of the Pirates’ Jungle Cruise? Treasure map, are you ready for adventure?

As we wrap up our wild and whimsical journey through the jungle of jokes, we hope you’ve experienced the untamed hilarity that awaits on every twist and turn of the Jungle Cruise. Just like the dense foliage hides surprises at every corner, the world of Jungle Cruise jokes is teeming with laughter and entertainment.

So, the next time you embark on an adventure, whether it’s through the lush greenery of a jungle or the winding rivers of a theme park, remember to keep your sense of humor close at hand. Because in the jungle of life, a hearty laugh is the ultimate treasure waiting to be discovered. So, let’s set sail once more, knowing that the jungle of jokes is always ready to welcome us with open arms and infectious laughter.

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The Cast Of Jungle Cruise Shares Their Favorite Dad Jokes & More

During the press event for Disney’s Jungle Cruise the cast shares their favorite dad jokes, the hardest stunt, and more!

Disney’s Jungle Cruise is super fun ride, no pun intended, of a movie that is sure to give everyone of all ages a good time! There is action, adventure, and of course, a whole lot of puns and dad jokes. In an interview with the cast to promote the film, they tell us their favorite dad jokes — as well a lot of behind the scenes information like which stunt was the hardest to nail and why Emily Blunt almost never signed on to the do the film.

Participating Talent

• Dwayne Johnson (“Frank Wolff”)
• Emily Blunt (“Lily Houghton”)
• Jack Whitehall (“MacGregor Houghton”)
• Edgar Ramirez (“Aguirre”)
• Moderator: Nikki Novak / Fandango

Dwayne Johnson Almost Scared Emily Blunt Away

Nearly every review for Jungle Cruise states that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Frank) and Emily Blunt (Dr. Lily) have amazing chemistry. They work very well together in this movie and Johnson knew that was going to be the case so he worked very hard to get Blunt to sign on for the film. However, he tried almost too hard and forced her to play hard to get and actually ghost him.

Jungle Cruise Director Jaume Collet-Serra was flying to New York to hand deliver the script to Blunt when she was considering the role, and Johnson decided to send a video along with it. Blunt says it was 10 minutes long and he came on a bit too strong, while Johnson says he just explained that she was the only one that could do this movie. 

Blunt was touched, but explains that as a British person if someone comes on too strong, you need to back away for a bit so they can calm it down. Jack Whitehall even agrees with her on this point. She explained she needed to back it up a bit, but that she did love his video.

They went on to both explain that when they finally met in person, the chemistry was instant, and they were pals for life immediately — as he was with the rest of the Jungle Cruise cast.

Jack Whitehall’s One Liners

Jack Whitehall plays MacGregor who goes through the whole film delivering hilarious one liners. But this isn’t his first Disney film. He recorded one line from Frozen — that was cut from the final film. He jokes that the fact there is even a single line of his in this film, is an improvement over the Frozen debacle, and he is “so excited to actually be a speaking part in a Disney film.”

Whitehall goes on to explain that the script was amazing already, but there was also space to improvise and add things to it. He also says that Blunt and Johnson created an environment where it was a safe space to throw in whatever improv you wanted to. “Some of the great moments you see in the film are genuine moments that we came up with in the moment.”

Edgar’s Look In The Film

Edgar Ramirez’s character has a very unique look in Disney’s Jungle Cruise that involves snakes, and Ramirez admits that he is very happy he was nowhere near snakes during the filming of the movie because he is super afraid of them. 

“We encountered some [snakes]when we were shooting in Atlanta because we shot in real locations and we dressed them to look like the Amazon. It’s incredible. I come from an Amazonian country, and I saw the movie for the first time two days ago at the premiere. I loved it.” – Edgar Ramirez

He adds that his mother is super afraid of snakes as well, and even admitted to missing half of his performance at the premiere because she couldn’t watch.

Hardest Stunt To Film

There are a lot of incredible stunts in this action packed film, and when asked which was the most difficult, Emily Blunt did not even have to think about it. She says it was the vine swing, but not because of anything physical about it, because Dwayne Johnson couldn’t let her get through it without a straight face. 

Johnson would say something different each time they would swing, and he would not warn her what it was going to be. He had her cracking up so much that they shot that moment all day. “Every time he’d throw in some awful improve that would make me laugh. I don’t know how many times we must have shot that.”

Johnson says that for him, the hardest to film was the action with the Conquistadors. He says it was challenging because of how they were dressed, in their costumes, but also because they fight in a very different way, and with a different energy. 

Favorite Dad Joke

This movie is filled with dad jokes and puns, so which ones are the Jungle Cruise cast favorites? 

Dwayne Johnson: “Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colors? He suffered from reptile dysfunction.”

Jack Whitehall: “I was seeing a cross-eyed girl, but, uh, it didn’t work out. We couldn’t see eye to eye.”

Edgar Ramirez: ” I was waiting for housekeeping to come and help me with something, and they took forever. So basically what I called was “Houseskipping.” 

If you enjoyed this interview with the Jungle Cruise cast, check out this Disney’s Jungle Cruise review .

About Jungle Cruise

Join fan favorites Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt for the adventure of a lifetime on Disney’s “Jungle Cruise,” a rollicking thrill-ride down the Amazon with wisecracking skipper Frank Wolff and intrepid researcher Dr. Lily Houghton. Lily travels from London, England to the Amazon jungle and enlists Frank’s questionable services to guide her downriver on La Quila – his ramshackle-but-charming boat. Lily is determined to uncover an ancient tree with unparalleled healing abilities – possessing the power to change the future of medicine. Thrust on this epic quest together, the unlikely duo encounters innumerable dangers and supernatural forces, all lurking in the deceptive beauty of the lush rainforest. But as the secrets of the lost tree unfold, the stakes reach even higher for Lily and Frank and their fate – and mankind’s – hangs in the balance.

Jaume Collet-Serra directs the film, which stars Dwayne Johnson, Emily Blunt, Edgar Ramírez and Jack Whitehall, with Jesse Plemons, and Paul Giamatti. John Davis, John Fox, Dwayne Johnson, Hiram Garcia, Dany Garcia and Beau Flynn are the producers, with Scott Sheldon and Doug Merrifield serving as executive producers. The story is by John Norville & Josh Goldstein and Glenn Ficarra & John Requa, and the screenplay is by Michael Green and Glenn Ficarra & John Requa.

Disney’s “Jungle Cruise” releases in theaters and on Disney+ with Premier Access on July 30, 2021.

Tessa Smith is a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer-approved Film and TV Critic. She is also a Freelance Writer. Tessa has been in the Entertainment writing business for ten years and is a member of several Critics Associations including the Critics Choice Association and the Greater Western New York Film Critics Association.

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The Disney Jungle Cruise Spiel

The Disney Jungle Cruise Spiel:

We have made this list in an effort to preserve the many hundreds of witty jokes that have been “spieled” on Disney’s Jungle Cruise for the last 60+ years since Disneyland opened. Many of the very best lines are lost over time as even the official Disney scripts change every few years. We hope that this will be a permanent repository for some of the best (and worst) humor ever delivered in the “Tropical rivers of the world.” Did we miss a joke? Join us and share it! We’ll add it !

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you’d like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you’d like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you’ll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile … we have good news for you. We found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders — the men who will be helping you into the boats — how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say “Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party…” and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say ” Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party…” and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One … Two … Three. There- those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn’t that make you feel better?

Your attention, please. We do not allow cutting in line here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. Anyone caught with a pair of scissors will be asked to leave.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won’t move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting… veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their great grand parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they have spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that’s ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they’re pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they’ll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can’t trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin’ (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animals in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you’ll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don’t go bananas.

It’s a four-hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?

Other Assorted Jokes:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well, that’s not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don’t know, but I wish someone would find out- he’s sunk five of our boats in the last week alone.

Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.

Knock, Knock… Who’s there? … Toucan. … Toucan Who? … Toucan not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.

Knock, Knock… Who’s there? … Safari. … Safari Who? … Safari, so good. You’ll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.

Boat Loading:

That cushion in that back of the boat is actually a whoopee cushion. Don’t believe me, go ahead sit down. (People sit, Skipper makes farting sound over PA.) How embarrassing and in front of people you don’t even know.

(To the boat loader) So how does that new vacuum of yours work? Boat loader: It sucks!

Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you’re entering from the back, come up to the front. If you’re in the front, just follow the simple instructions of your simple-minded loader.

Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine factory until they got canned. They didn’t mind too much though- they worked for scale.

Come all the way to the front- up by me. There’s no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in back.

Slide all the way forward now… That’s the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!

Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar (pointing to the center cushion). We like to balance out the boat so when we sink, we go down evenly.

Please move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all of the blue seat cushions. There have been extensive scientific studies that have proven that the color blue attracts deadly flying piranhas. (Using color of boat for blue.)

Please remember that the tighter you get the better the heating system on the boat works.

(As people load in the back) There’s no dancing in the back there, folks… no dancing… you will have to be seated. Dancing is only allowed on the promenade deck.

If you could just sit in the doorway there- it keeps the wild animals out and the chickens and turkeys in.

I get paid for the number of people I take out… not the number I bring back!

Don’t worry if it’s crowded now… there’ll be lots of room on the way back.

How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.

Let’s get one thing straight… if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I’d like you to meet your new captain (looking at nearby guest)… What did you say your name was?

Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this trip. Yeah- you’re sitting on thebattery. Some people find that revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to everything. Shocking, isn’t it.

Pulling away from the dock:

Were out of here like a bad LA football team.

Well, folks, there’s the Jungle, and as Captain EO used to say (in a high voice) “Fire up the thrusters! We’re going in!”

Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is (name) and I’ll be your captain- unless we run into trouble- in which case your new captain will be taking over. (Looking at nearby guest)… What did you say your name was?

Hello, everyone. I’d like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your skipper for as far as we get.

Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is (name), and I’ll be your skipper, guide, social director, and dance instructor for the next three months.

Hello everyone and welcome aboard the World famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your SKIPPER today — on a three hour tour. (pause) On a three hour tour. (the last line should sound like the gilligan’s island song a bit more than the first one)

Where are you from (sir/madam)? (Guest answers) Sorry? (Guest repeats) Oh- I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.

Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the dock… They may never see you again.

Now, let’s everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on the dock we’ve left behind. (In low voice) Come on folks… pretend like you’re having a good time.

OK… before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and repeat after me. “I hope…. we do return.” Good! Better turn and take one last look at the dock- you may never see it again!

Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me…

You know they saw you can always judge the quality of a ride by it’s line, well how long did you folks wait? My point exactly. (Good at night with short lines)

Hello and welcome to the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your captain, cruise director and dance instructor for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.

A Jungle Cruise version of the Haunted Mansion spiel:

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I’m you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!! (flash lights on and off and make the sound of thunder at night)

Other Disney Attraction spiels to repeat for rowdy crowds and annual passholders:

Ala Pirates of the Caribbean: (In a high voice) I think you knows too much. You’ve seen the cursed treasure. You know where it be hidden. You may not survive to pass this way again. (Deep echoing voice) DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES. . .

(In high pitched pioneer voice from Thunder mountain) No hold on to those hats and glasses folks. Cause this here is the WILDEST RIDE IN THE WILDERNESS!

“Cinnamon Toast and Taco’s In the door.” In case you have ever wondered what the spanish speaking announcement is saying in the line for the Matterhorn Bobsled ride – that’s the translation, folks!

Welcome to Fantasmic, tonight our friend and host Mickey Mouse uses his vivid imagination to create magical imagery for all to enjoy. Nothing is more wonderful than the imagination, for in a moment you can enjoy a beautiful fantasy- or an exciting adventure. But beware, because it can also turn your greatest fears into an overwhelming nightmare. Are the powers of Mickey’s imagination strong enough, or bright enough to withstand the evil that invades Mickey’s dreams? You are about to find out. So sit back, relax and experience fantasmic. A journey beyond your wildest imagination. . .

Rain Forest:

As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year. (Alternate: We’re now leaving the last outpost of civilization and entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.)

As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance here. In fact, we’ve counted more than 100 varieties of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air.

Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines (pointing). Last week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was feeling just vine.

(Pointing) In fact she was sitting right where that (lady/man/girl/boy) in (color) is sitting!

Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry that’s only the monkeys in the trees.

Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry that’s only poisonous bacteria that will eat you all alive

Indiana Jones Ride:

Look here we have a bunch a very strange jungle species, ya see that one there (pointing to a male) the one with the wider hips that’s the female of the species.

Look here we have a bunch of Asian albino hairless apes. Ya watch (waves to people, they wave back) monkey see, monkey do.

Over there is what we call the Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of the Four-Hour Line.

Those folks over there are all lost, looking for the Jungle Cruise I think. Hey guys! The Jungle Cruise is that way!

Ancient Shrine:

See those crocodiles over there we have trained the to stay perfectly still so you can take better pictures.

Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are. The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

You know the crocs are always looking for a hand out. Ya but be careful, I once had an English teacher on board and she didn’t listen to me and now she’s teaching shorthand.

Just so you know, all of the animals at the world famous Jungle Cruise are real. Except for the ducks. They are mounted on rails, just like the boats.

Elephant Pool:

Look here…it’s the republican national convention. You can take picture because they all have their trunks on. Oh by the way… If you want to see the Democrats they’re back at the Hunchback of Notre Dame Festival of Fools.

And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don’t scare them now… of course, the big shot gets the private shower… but I kind of like the little squirts myself.

And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead- all the elephants have their trunks on.

And just ahead, you’ll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That’s something you don’t see everyday. (Long pause) But I do.

See that elephant right there, that’s the richest elephant in the whole jungle. Yeah – it’s ‘Donald Trunk’.

Hey look (pointing at the elephant facing away from the boat). There’s a full moon in the jungle tonight.

Bengal Tiger:

(In low voice) That’s no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well… 19 feet away! Don’t worry, he’ll jump right over us.

That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He’s looking right at you (sir/ma’am)- better keep smiling.

That Bengal Tiger can jump up to 35,000 feet…out of a plane that is.

Everyone look at that huge Bengal Tiger! Bengal Tigers weigh 500 pound and can jump over 20 feet.

Squirting Elephant:

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into… uh-oh- a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! (Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no! He’s coming up again – you folks on the right get down! Well… I guess he didn’t have time to reload. (Or) Well… I guess he didn’t have enough trunk space.

OK, we’re leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the… Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want to be disturbed. He’s coming up again… you folks in the back get down! (After elephant does not squirt) Sir in the (middle/back)- that was very clever the way you hid behind your (child / wife / that lady… do you know her?)

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into… uh-oh- a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! (Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no! He’s coming up again- you folks on the right get down! (Elephant comes up but does not squirt — make a silly laugh at them) I guess he forgot to reload.

Safari Outpost:

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm…. that could be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh… this one has some uninvited house guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. (Points to water) Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around comes naturally to ’em.

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm…. that could be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh… this one has some uninvited house guests! One of those gorillas is going to have an eye opening experience. Should be mind blasting. I couldn’t get that jeep started. They got it to turn over.

Well, safari so goodi. Let’s move along.

Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I wouldn’t get too close, though. They may look like a nice bunch, but let me tell you- those guys are really animals.

Now please, if you’re wearing yellow, don’t make any noises like a banana… it drives them ape! They find it very appealing.

Ah, that explains things! It looks like that safari has some uninvited house guests! (pause) (Yelling to gorillas) Hey! Where’d you guys learns to parallel park anyway? (Back to guests) Ah, they’re not listening. I guess they’re too busy monkeying around.

Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I’d like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There’s one, there’s one… (Point left, point rear left, point right, etc)

I’d like to take a moment to point out the plant life and tell you everything I know about them. (point with silence)

Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.

See that bamboo over there? It grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it can grow to 7 stories but that’s a whole other story.

Gorillas & Crocodile:

Now there’s a croc with a snappy personality! Ha- he’s going to get himself a knuckle sandwich if he’s not careful.

Well, will you look at that- some of the camp’s food made it downstream. But I don’t think it’s going to waste.

Look there that’s something you don’t see every day… I do.. Every day every 15 minutes

Schweitzer Falls:

(Skipper has back to falls, distracted by the gorilla/croc scene) Uh- oh, lean in back there! Lean in! (Motions to guests and spins wheel around) Whew! That was close!

And now, we’re approaching the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, named after that famous African explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

Ahead is beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and I (wheel appears to jam and skipper tries to free) Oh no! You folks in the back lean in! Duck! Whew! That was close! (Best to use body language with all foreign crowds)

Don’t worry about the waterfall; it won’t get you wet. The water in the falls, like everything else at Disneyland, is completely synthetic. To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to your right…. and then back to your left, you can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.

Nile River:

We’ve turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the world, winding across more than 4000 miles.

We’ve now turned down the Nile River the longest river in all of Anaheim that’s right a whole 200 feet.

We’ve now turned down the Nile River and if you don’t believe that you must be in denial.

Bull Elephants: Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those enormous ears and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian elephants we saw earlier.

Do you know how you can tell that that’s an African elephant? (wait for response)… It’s because we’re in Africa

On the left bank there- it’s a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull; the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle- his mother in law

Look there, that’s Skippy (alt: Speedy, Dumbo) the fastest elephant in the jungle watch (lights first elephant then flashes it to the elephant on the right) Pretty amazing huh?

African Veldt:

Look at that family of baboons, there’s Pat & Shirley Baboon, Daniel Baboon, and the hair stylist Vidal Baboon .

Don’t worry kids! That zebra is just sleeping. Those lions are his friends!

The Lions are protecting the sleeping zebra.

Do you know why it’s so hard to eat zebra? You keep getting white meat – dark meat – white meat – dark meat.

Look it’s Simba and Nala from the Lion King.

How do you tell the difference between the male and female Zebras? The males have black and white stripes and the females have white and black stripes.

(Pointing) By the look of those baboons up there, something’s up on the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the jungle- “survival of the fittest.”

Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the water’s edge today, along with the other residents of the African veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the black ones over here with horns- well, I’ve never seen them before. They must be gnu!

We’re about to enter the Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an endless variety of wildlife- baboons, wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles, gnus, g-lions, g-zebras. (hard g-sounds)

Here’s a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they’re not a cheetah, then they’re probably just a lion.

Okay, I have a confession to make. I was once the second giraffe on the grassy knoll.

Up on the grassy knoll, a fake giraffe is choking on a plastic leaf.

Just for your information, all of the animals here on the veldt are real. But their feet have been bolted to the ground for your safety.

(Pointing to Lions eating zebra) Over there is the original hard rock cafe.

Over there is an example of the first Law of the Jungle: Don’t be a zebra.

Watch out for those vultures folks, they are always looking for charrion bags.

Trapped Safari (Rhino):

There’s that lost safari we’ve been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising. That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I’m sure that guy on the bottom will get the point in the end! Hey I know that guy on the bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like that rhino is going to get a hole in Juan. Well, bottoms up, fellows!

Uh-oh… look! That safari’s in a tight spot there. But that rhino seems more than willing to give them a lift.

On the bottom, there’s Ahontis. Looks like the Rhino is trying to poke Ahontis.

Well- you know what they say… safari, so good-ee. So I guess we’ll be moving on.

Hippo Pool:

We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don’t rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don’t do anything that might attract them!

Last week, they overturned six of our boats… only FIVE of them were MINE, though!

Don’t worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles….

Don’t worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they climb up in the trees and start doing big hippo cannon balls right down on top of us

How many of you are willing to go on? (Show of hands) How many of you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the situations? Uh-oh… it looks like one of them’s going to try to charge our boat! (shoots) Looks like we’ve scared them off. I bet he’ll have a headache tomorrow!If we’re all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. (Low voice) Shhh- be real quite now… listen …. (leaning out of boat, yells) “Hey mom!”

Uh oh, that large hippo is going to attack us! Watch out! (shoots) I just saved your lives, folks. (pause) YOUR WELCOME! (If applause) Please. . . . Don’t. . . . Stop. . .. . Please don’t stop!

Now as we enter the Hippo pool, I want to tell you about a ancient ritual that they have… They place their young in the trees to feed on the leaves until they are 6000lbs and then they cannon ball through the jungle foliage to the boats below and sink them to the bottom of the jungle rivers a whole 2.5 feet down. Oh, look there’s one now (shoots up into the trees).

Entering HeadHunter Country:

We are now entering the most dangerous part of our journey. Shhh. . . This is a bad place to be headed.

Over there are the remains of my last crew. (pointing to the skull canoe) You can tell they had a good time. Look, they are still smiling! That’s what happens after about 10 hours at Disneyland, folks. Those smiles are just plastered right on their faces.

We’re entering headhunter country now… be very quiet. In that canoe over there… the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even to the end- they’re still smiling.

Shhh… we’re entering headhunter country now… don’t make a sound. In that canoe over there… some of the native’s arts and crafts. Art’s the one on the top!

We’re not out of danger yet- this is headhunter territory. Remove your jewelry please. The natives have been complaining of indigestion.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the headhunters. They normally only attack children wearing glowing jewelry (for night cruises)

Native Village:

The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion… maybe we can sneak by. Don’t attract their attention.

I studied their language in college lets see if I can translate for you… Put your right foot in, shake it all about, Put your right foot out, shake it all about…

Hey look it’s the Village People, let’s see what they’re saying.. Y-M-C-A…

This group is trying to come up with a name for themselves for their upcoming CD, they have two choices, either the Village People or Fine Young Cannibals.

Attacking Natives:

Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. (Turns around quickly) They’re on the LEFT this time.

(Pick the color of the shirt of a child) Head hunters always attack kids wearing (blank) colored shirts

Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks, please get down on the floor. (Makes whooshing sound into mike) Ah, those are spears by the way.

sshhh sshhh shhh sshhh shhh (eventually changes from shhh sound into a panting sound. Then in a surfer dude’s voice) WHOA! Great sound effects!

Women and children- stand up! All the men- get down! If they hit you with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them- we’re not allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don’t want you to be stuck with it for the rest of the trip.

On the left, a friendly group of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka… Ubonga Swahili Ungawa… Wagga Kuna Nui Ka… It’s a good thing I speak their language. (Turns to guest) They want to trade their coconuts for your (wife/child/husband)… I think we should hold out for at least four.

Okay ladies and gentlemen the natives usually attack from the right hand side of the boat. (Native attack) Wait one minute here! What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat? You know I told you to attack from the right and another thing what are you doing just standing looking stupid with those spears in your hand your supposed to throw them! Get back down and try that one again! (Timing is right so the natives go back down on skippers command)

If you get hit by a spear, pull it out at throw it back. You can’t keep souveniers. We wouldn’t want you to get stuck with one.

Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before… there it is- the backside of water!

Now hold onto your seat cushions because we’re about to do something really special- no extra charge. Are you ready? We’re now going UNDER water!

On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful birds in the jungle.

Toucan do much better than one can.

Over there are three toucans- also known as a six pack of birds.

Rapids of Kilimanjaro:

Uh-oh, up ahead- the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp and dangerous rocks through here… notice the huge waves crashing against our hull. (Makes crashing wave sounds in mike)

Ho hum… here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We’ll probably have to shoot them. (Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb and index finger.)

(Steering wheel back and forth) Notice the skill and finesse your skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish to take pictures, feel free.

If we start sinking, we’ll have to lighten our load. (Turns to guest) You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be leaving us shortly.

That last rock on the right is a 1:100 scale model of the Matterhorn Bobsled ride! (check it out, it really looks like it. .. )

Hang on… we’re coming across some white water here. One of those jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. (color not on boat) They’re the only ones that float.

We’re now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of the person next to you because we’re going to be bouncing up and down a lot! (jumps up and down, side to side) Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?

On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really interesting. It’s sad though. I come through here all the time, point these out to people, but they just take them for granite. (Alternate: See that rock right there, it’s actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.)

Python/Water Buffaloes:

Hey look there, what kind of snake is that? (People answer with the names of kinds of snake) No, it a plastic snake.

Python’s are one of the less intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were smart do you think that he would be hugging that dead tree stump when food is all around him.

Up ahead is our pet snake, Monty. (pause) Monty is a python

Yup, there’s one little python, sitting in a tree, H…I…S…S…I…N…G

Uh-oh… Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo… Actually, he’s very affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!

And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle’s most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!

That huge python is over 24 feet long and known to swallow little children whole!

Trader Sam:

There’s old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam’s offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

There’s old Trader Sam… Three explorers came through here last week and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was, they completely lost their heads.I got their late. All I got was the cold shoulder and some finger food.Trader Sam was thrown out of college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of his professors, now he’s a psychologist. You can tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his basket cases.

Return to Civilization: Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say (In a feminine voice)

Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Charley Browns teacher would say (In the teachers weird voice) Wa, wa, wa…etc. And now as Millie Vanilli would say (mouths the words) Thank You for riding and have a good day.

And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization! I certainly hope you’ve enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you’ve missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our “in-law” special… halfway for half fare, no questions asked.

Well we’ve laughed and we’ve cried. We’ve almost died! I love you like family. Now get out! I’m sorry, that was rude. Please get out.

And now, the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!

The Jungle Cruise was brought to you in part today my the letters, “e”, “r” and the number “101”

You know, many times people ask me how many people work at Disneyland. (Counting the visible cast members) Hmmm, I’d say about one out of seven!

As we approach, please notice that there’s a dock on the left, and a dock on the right. But don’t let it confuse you. It’s a paradox.

Make sure you have all personal belongings with you… cameras, purses, small children… anything left on board will be thrown screaming to the crocodiles.

Any children left on board become property of the Walt Disney company after 24 hours.Please make sure you have all you belongings with you including your small children, if you leave them we will be forced to take them back to It’s a Small World and glue their feet to the floor and make them sing that hideous song over and over and over.

Please keep your hands inside the boat, I sure don’t want my new dock ruined. If you liked your ride my name is (name) if you didn’t my name is Tom and I work on the Submarine Voyage.

Unloading: Two of the world’s largest pygmies will assist you from the boat.

Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.

You will be helped off the boat by two of the black footed albino pigmies over on the dock. These guys weigh over 500 pounds and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET!

OK rise like bread folks, no loafing around. I know my jokes are stale and crumby, and I’m sure I could do butter but its the yeast I can do on the sourdough I make here. I think I get my rye sense of humor from my dad. It’s no wonder. He’s Danish. I was born under a croissant moon and I used to be the toast of the town, until one day I just got spread too thin. Hey, where are you going, I’m on a roll! Oh well I guess you have to jam. OK, everybody stand up please.

Those of you on the dock side will be helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn around and you’ll be helped out by the rear… of the boat that is. This is adventureland, not fantasyland!

The jungle cruise has been brought to you today by the hippo farmers of America. Hippo: The other-other white meat.

When I count to three, everybody stand… the last one standing is a baby hippo. Ready? One… two… four! Look at all the baby hippos!

Do stand up… off your seats, on your feets. All right… if you don’t stand, you’ll have to go again! I knew that would get you up. Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don’t hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders… that’s ladies only, please!

If you feel your feet getting wet as you leave the boat, you’ve probably gone out the wrong side. Don’t fall in the water as you leave… we’ll have to charge you extra.

Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time- I’m going to go again! (low voice)… and again, and again, and again…

Bye now.. come back and see me again when you have the courage… and enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom. Aren’t you going to say good-bye, after all we’ve been through together?

Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise… it helps keeps the lines down. Please don’t go out the window- you’ll get a window pane. That would be a shuttering experience. It would be enough to make a venetian blind.

Please exit the boat the same way you entered… pushing and shoving.

Watch your step, and please don’t step on small children indiscriminately. Pick the one you want and make sure you get him!”

If the unloaders grab you on the elbow or wrist as you pass, that’s their way of saying they love you. You can repay them by stomping on their foot or kicking them in the shin. Of all the groups I’ve taken on this ride, you’re the most … recent.

If you want to see me later, you can catch me at the Comedy Club at Pleasure Island. I’ll be the one in the restroom handing out mints and washing the combs in that blue water.

We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call … work. If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month… please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!

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Author:  Nate Naversen

I am the founder of themedattraction.com, a site we started back in 1996 to tell the world about theme park design. I have over 25 years experience in themed entertainment design.

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Dwayne Johnson Goes All In On Delivering Jungle Cruise’s Classic Disneyland Puns In A+ New Video

We know that Disney's upcoming Jungle Cruise movie is more "inspired by" the Disneyland and Walt Disney World attraction than it is "based on." Until very recently , the popular theme park ride didn't even have a cohesive storyline so the plot of the new movie will be something more or less entirely original. Having said that, we fully expect that many different elements from the attraction will be incorporated into the plot, or at the very least referenced, and one of the most important things that any Jungle Cruise inspired story should have is bad puns.

For decades the Jungle Cruise has been home to some of the best bad jokes you'll find in any theme park anywhere. The jokes are such a key part of the ride that any movie based on Jungle Cruise would need to include some. And in a new video promoting the film, Dwayne Johnson himself fulfills his on-screen role as Skipper by dropping a couple of rock-solid puns. Check it out.

The first trailer for Jungle Cruise included the one line you can be sure to hear on any and every Jungle Cruise ride, as you float by "the back side of water." But beyond that one line, every ride on the Jungle Cruise is a little different. There are so many different jokes that have been written over the years, and Jungle Cruise Skippers get to basically pick and choose their own spiel like a menu of groaners, that no two trips are entirely the same.

Dwayne Johnson 's granite joke here might be one you've heard before, or it could even be entirely new to you if your previous Skippers just didn't use that one. Based on the comments in this video, it sounds like there might be an entire extended scene that is just Dwayne Johnson going through a routine, dropping one pun after another. It seems that, in the movie, Emily Blunt 's character doesn't love the jokes--while Jack Whitehall's character does. It also sounds from the interview segments that this is more or less true for the actors as well.

Because humor is such a vital part of the Jungle Cruise attraction, it needs to be an important part of the Jungle Cruise movie. Of course, we know that humor will be mixed with action, as the trailers for Jungle Cruise show us the movie will have plenty of that.

Seeing these jokes in this video, and knowing there will be more, brings a smile to my face. The Jungle Cruise is one of the few rides where cast member performance still happens and it's become a necessary part of the show. There's no actual need for the skippers to drive the boat, but the Jungle Cruise is about the skippers as much as it is the mechanical animals, if not more so. For those that have never actually had a chance to ride the Jungle Cruise, they'll get a way to experience all the beautiful bad jokes when Dwayne Johnson delivers them in the new movie, and that will likely be a special moment for all the skippers, past and present.

CINEMABLEND NEWSLETTER

Your Daily Blend of Entertainment News

CinemaBlend’s resident theme park junkie and amateur Disney historian, Dirk began writing for CinemaBlend as a freelancer in 2015 before joining the site full-time in 2018. He has previously held positions as a Staff Writer and Games Editor, but has more recently transformed his true passion into his job as the head of the site's Theme Park section. He has previously done freelance work for various gaming and technology sites. Prior to starting his second career as a writer he worked for 12 years in sales for various companies within the consumer electronics industry. He has a degree in political science from the University of California, Davis.  Is an armchair Imagineer, Epcot Stan, Future Club 33 Member.

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Jungle Cruise Jokes – Laugh Your Way Through

7 April 2024

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By Delaney Jameson

Jungle Cruise jokes? They’re the kind you roll your eyes at but end up chuckling over anyway.

It’s all in the delivery, right? Imagine you’re on this boat, the air’s buzzing with anticipation, and out comes a pun so bad it’s good.

That’s the thing – amid the animatronic animals and faux-danger, it’s these jokes that catch you off guard, making the whole experience unexpectedly delightful.

So here we are, about to peel back the curtain on what makes these groan-worthy gems a key part of the ride’s charm.

Funny Jungle Puns

Why don’t secrets last long in the jungle? Because the trees will spill the beans.

Have you heard about the lazy leopard? He spots too much time napping.

What’s a monkey’s favorite cookie? Choco-chimp!

Elephants never use computers. They’re afraid of the mouse.

Snakes are terrible at telling jokes. They always sssspoil the punchline.

In jungle school, which subject is the lion best at? The mane event.

Giraffes don’t join bands. They’re afraid of the high notes.

Why did the gorilla bring a ladder to the party? He heard the drinks were on the house.

Tigers are terrible at playing cards. They always get spotted.

How do you apologize in the jungle? Say “I’m safari.”

Monkeys are great at playing video games. They find them ape-pealing.

In the jungle, what’s a cheetah’s favorite food? Fast food, of course!

Why don’t animals play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

Did you hear about the alligator detective? He was on the tail of a case.

Parrots make terrible secret keepers. They blabber beak.

Jungle parties are wild. Everyone gets animal crackers.

Hippos hate magic shows. They can’t stand the disappearing acts.

Frogs in the jungle are always happy. They find everything ribbiting.

How do elephants talk to each other? On the ele-phone!

When do monkeys fall from the sky? During ape-ril showers.

Why was the jungle gym closed? It was overgrown with fun-gi.

Lions eat in silence. They don’t like to lionize.

Zebras always bring their own snacks to movies. They prefer striped popcorn.

Toucans play doubles in tennis. They have a great match beak.

Why do jungle animals never play cards in the savannah? Too many lions cheetahs.

Snakes can’t play basketball. They lose their hiss-teria.

Panthers are bad at hide and seek. They always panth.

Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!

Jaguars are bad at time management. They prowl-crastinate.

Crocodiles never win at video games. Their tears short-circuit the console.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Why don’t bears use phones? Too many bear-riers.

Gorillas make terrible chefs. They monkey around too much.

Tigers avoid playing golf. They end up in the water hazards.

Elephants love classical music. Especially Trunkovsky.

Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking!

Anteaters never get sick. They’re full of anty-bodies.

Rhinos hate birthday parties. They can never blow out the candles.

Why was the jungle cat disqualified from the race? For lion too much.

How do you know if there’s a elephant under your bed? Your nose touches the ceiling.

Best Jungle Cruise Jokes

Welcome aboard! Remember, if you don’t laugh at my jokes, it’s a long swim back.

Look, there’s a sleeping zebra. He’s dead tired, let’s not disturb him.

We’ve entered an elephant bathing pool. If you’re wearing white, enjoy your new pink shirt.

Crocodiles are always smiling. They find tourists delicious.

Quick! Duck under the waterfall. Just kidding, it’s a “dry” humor zone.

This plant beside me is a rare sight. It’s called “Notouchme.”

Ever heard of a butterfly’s favorite sport? It’s flutter-by.

Why don’t we ever play cards with jungle animals? Too many cheetahs around here.

That’s an odd bird. Sings off-key because it’s a “can’t-tune-a.”

Ahead, you’ll see a python. He’s a real “party animal” – always coiled up.

Our journey includes rivers Nile and Amazon. If you don’t believe me, you’re in de-Nile.

We just passed a fish laughing at us. Must have found us “o-fish-ally” funny.

That loud noise? Just the local frogs having a ribbiting conversation.

Look at those monkeys organizing. They’re planning a banana republic.

Those lions sharing their meal believe in “fast food.”

See the waterfall? It’s named after our first boat captain, Captain Crash.

That’s a rare sight: a bread butterfly. Its wings are quite “crusty.”

This part of the river is so quiet, you can hear a fish burp.

Ever seen a jungle gym? It’s where vines and trees work out.

Why don’t secrets last here? Too many parrots with “tweet” mouths.

That’s a peculiar tree. Shakes its leaves only when it’s “bark” cold.

Our boat is eco-friendly. It runs on “current” electricity.

Don’t mind the hippos. They just want to “hippo-size” our boat.

Watch the skies. You might see a toucan. Or three can, depending on your eyesight.

Ever wonder why snakes can’t be good comedians? They have a “reptile” dysfunction.

Those are piranhas. Smile back, but don’t get too close!

The jungle’s a great place for hide and seek. Unless you’re an elephant.

That’s the world’s smallest waterfall. We call it a “trickle.”

See the boat behind us? It’s just catching our “wake.”

Thanks for riding! Remember, if you enjoyed your cruise, my name is [Guide’s Name]. If not, I’m [Any Other Name].

Jungle Cruise Jokes List

Our boat’s eco-friendly; it’s powered by guest applause. So, clap or we’re stuck.

See that plant? It’s called “Forget-me-not.” I forget why.

If you look closely, you’ll spot the shy rock. It’s a little boulder.

That bird thinks he’s an opera singer. We call him Pavar-otter.

If trees could talk, they’d probably just leaf us alone.

Beware of the singing mosquitoes. They’re in a buzz band.

That’s our local bank branch. Monkeys manage it. Expect bananas for interest.

Hippos yawning? They’re just practicing their opera.

Elephants have a great memory because they never pack light.

That waterfall has a secret. It’s a bit “over-flowing” with emotion.

Ever heard of tree WiFi? It has great connection but only in the forest.

Our last boat’s still here… somewhere. Just under-new-management by piranhas.

That monkey’s a chef. Specializes in banana split.

Crocodiles love clock watching. They’re always “snapping” at time.

If you feel a raindrop, it’s just the sky leaking.

Those birds tweeting? They forgot their phone.

We’re now passing some rare, water-resistant fireflies. They’re not very bright.

This part of the river is sponsored by water. It’s everywhere!

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, does it make a sound? Yes, it screams in tree language.

That lizard is a math teacher. But he’s always going off on a tangent.

Watch out for the jungle’s quicksand. It’s got a sinking reputation.

If you see fish swimming in circles, they’re just browsing the net.

Our guide manual says, “If lost, the river flows downstream.” So helpful.

This jungle’s got a lot of soul, and sole. Watch your step!

Those aren’t just any plants. They’re “leaf” entrepreneurs.

See the elephant’s trunk? It’s the original hose before it went mainstream.

Our journey is so cool, even the sun’s got shades on.

That’s not an echo. The jungle’s just copying me because it’s out of ideas.

Why don’t secrets last in the jungle? Because the air’s too clear.

Thanks for joining! If you enjoyed your cruise, tell your friends. If not, tell your enemies.

All Jungle Cruise Jokes

Trees in the jungle always stick together. They’re a real “bark” brotherhood.

Waterfalls here have a clear message: They just can’t hold it in.

Monkeys prefer online shopping. They find it more a-peeling.

Snakes are the worst liars. You can never trust their “hiss-tory.”

If you hear drumming, don’t worry. It’s just the local bug band.

Our boats are unsinkable. They have a great “self-steam.”

Lightning bugs here are shockingly bright. They’re truly electrifying.

Jungle flowers are the best at hide and seek. They’re always “petaling” off.

Fish here sing in the choir. They have a bubbly voice.

That bird’s a comedian. He’s always cracking “cheep” jokes.

Elephants here are forgetful. Must be something in the “trunk.”

Beware of the quicksand. It has a “grain” sense of humor.

Our river has a funny current. It’s always “flowing” with jokes.

Don’t trust the piranhas’ smiles. They’re a bit “toothy.”

Rain here doesn’t fall. It just “drops” by.

That gorilla’s a pianist. He loves the “key” to the jungle.

If you’re lost, follow the parrots. They always talk back.

Our jungle has its own Wi-Fi. It’s called “Wi-Fern.”

Birds here don’t fly. They just wing it.

Hippos in the river are always in a “splash” mood.

Crocodiles love time travel. They’re always snapping back.

Don’t play hide and seek with tigers. They always find you “a-mew-sing.”

Lions are the jungle’s hairdressers. They love a good “mane” event.

The jungle’s bakery is always busy. It’s a “bun-gle” in there.

This river is like a mirror. It reflects well on us.

Mosquitoes here form a band. They’re called “The Buzzers.”

Jungle’s gym is intense. The equipment is always “branching” out.

Our tour guide is a magician. He turns paths into “wand-ers.”

Frogs here are tech-savvy. They have the best “leap-tops.”

As we dock, remember, jungle humor is vast. It’s a wide “grin” of nature.

Jungle Cruise Jokes Removed

Watch your step; the ground’s been laughing. It’s cracked up!

Our canoe doubles as a comedy club. It’s quite the “row” model.

That tree’s the jungle’s comedian. Stands up every night.

Parrots here start rumors. They’re the real “tweet” hearts.

If you get lost, just holler. Echo will talk back.

Mosquitoes are the biggest fans of people. Always getting under their skin.

This river’s in denial. Thinks it’s a stream.

Fireflies here are the original flash photography.

Remember, if a plant looks sharp, it’s probably making a point.

Jungle paths are notorious gossips. They always lead somewhere.

Frogs here have a hopping nightlife. It’s riveting.

Watch out for the jungle’s diet soda. It’s “light” on water.

Our tour boat’s name? “Miss Adventure.” She’s quite the lady.

That bird claims it invented Twitter. What a tweet talker!

If you feel watched, it might be the peeping toms: the trees.

We have a jungle coffee shop. It’s a bit of a “brew-haha.”

Lightning in the jungle is electrifying. Always a shocking experience.

The local snakes are great dancers. They’ve got the best slither.

Remember, in the jungle, every path has its own “tail.”

That clearing ahead? It’s where the trees took a break.

Jungle’s bakery sells hot cross buns. They’re absolutely “tree-mendous.”

Ever see a plant dance? They’ve got some sick beets.

The river’s got a great flow. It’s quite the rapper.

If you hear a tree laughing, you’re in the “wood” mood.

Elephants here have a trunk line. For trunk calls only.

Our guide’s a tree whisperer. Good at “barking” directions.

These vines are the jungle’s internet. Great at “connecting” people.

That mountain’s not shy. It’s just a little “peaky.”

Jungle animals have their own band. It’s called “The Wild Ones.”

As we near the end, remember, each joke here is a leaf off the humor tree.

Jungle Cruise Jokes One Liners

Jungle gyms are where Tarzan gets a “swing” in his step.

Never trust a tiger’s directions; they always lead to a “paws.”

In the jungle, the only thing more tangled than the vines are the puns.

Crocodiles shop online for “snappy” deals.

Parrots make terrible secret agents; they always “squawk.”

Jungle billboards? Trees with “bark” codes.

Elephants have great memories because they never forget to “charge.”

Monkeys use “branch” banking for all their transactions.

Snakes are the original “social ladders” in the jungle.

Fireflies host the jungle’s nightly “light” show.

Beware of the jungle’s “roar” traffic; it’s a real beast.

Frogs are always “hop-timistic” about the weather.

In the jungle, every meal is a “wild” guess.

Trees in the jungle never leave; they’re “rooted” in place.

The jungle’s favorite music? “Vine”yl records.

Rain in the jungle is just the sky “leaking.”

Hippos in the jungle are always in a “big” hurry.

If you hear growling, it might just be the trees “barking.”

Jungle rivers are always “current” with the news.

In the jungle, even the shadows have “spots.”

Mosquitoes are the jungle’s “buzz-worthy” news team.

Jungle flowers are always “blooming” with gossip.

Don’t play hide and seek with leopards; they’re always “spotted.”

Toucans in the jungle are always “beaking” the news.

If the jungle had a motto, it’d be “leaf” it to us.

Jaguars take the “fast” lane through the jungle.

The jungle’s favorite game? “Branch” out.

When the jungle gets foggy, it’s just the trees “mist”-ifying.

Anteaters are the jungle’s vacuum cleaners, always “sucking” up.

In the jungle, the only high-speed connection is a “cheetah.”

I’m Delaney Jameson, the soul behind inspiremymantra.com! As a healing expert, writer, and self-growth enthusiast, I’ve made it my mission to share my passion for affirmations and personal transformation with the world.

Through life’s ups and downs, I’ve discovered the power of healing and self-discovery. With every challenge, I’ve grown stronger, wiser, and more connected to my authentic self. This journey led me to create inspiremymantra.com, a space where I can share the lessons, love, and light that have transformed my life.

Join me as we explore the magic of affirmations, embrace self-improvement, and create the lives we’ve always dreamed of – one mantra at a time. Let’s grow together and unleash our full potential!

Stoner Jokes – Laughter for the Chill Soul

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No Lion, the Skipper Is the Real King of the Jungle Cruise

Bad jokes and puns are part of a Disneyland job that has been immortalized in a new film. Those who’ve held the role at the theme park never really leave it behind.

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By Kathryn Shattuck

In 1916 Brazil, Skipper Frank Wolff runs the cheapest jungle cruise on the Amazon. And undoubtedly the cheesiest, as he introduces tourists to the river’s wondrous sights with a spiel overflowing with doozies.

“If you look to the left of the boat, you’ll see some very playful toucans. They’re playing their favorite game of beak-wrestling. The only drawback is, only two can play.”

“The rocks you see here in the river are sandstone. But some people just take them for granite. It’s one of my boulder attractions.”

And the highlight of the tour: “Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the eighth wonder of the world,” he says, building toward the climax, as his rickety steamboat passes behind a makeshift waterfall. “Wait for it … the backside of water!”

Frank’s guests may groan and roll their eyes at his droll banter in Disney’s “ Jungle Cruise ,” starring Dwayne Johnson as the swaggering skipper and arriving July 30 on Disney+ and in theaters. But the skippers and their spiels — corny jokes and bad puns, the cringier the better — have been the real stars of the Jungle Cruise attraction since the first one opened at Disneyland in 1955. Take them away and the seven-minute fantasy boat trip along rivers in South America, Asia and Africa, inspired in part by “The African Queen,” might be just another ride down a fake waterway with fake scenery.

It’s also one of the rare performing jobs at a Disney theme park where the skippers can weave their own personalities into the script — from dry and geeky to animated and flamboyant — and get guests in on the action. “It’s this alchemy that happens” that few attractions can replicate, said Alex Williams, a former skipper who now works for the Disney fan club D23.

With the new movie as well as the ride’s freshly reimagined story line, the Jungle Cruise is in the spotlight now, and no one is feeling it more than the skippers themselves.

“We’re all just really excited about being able to share this experience with everyone and being the inspiration for the movie,” said Flor Torres, a “lead” on the attraction.

“Once a skip, always a skip.” That’s the motto of skippers who’ve held a job requiring them to maneuver a boat while performing a stand-up routine dozens of times across an eight-hour day.

“People really take that to heart,” Torres added of the motto. “I know skippers that have worked here maybe 20, 30 years ago, and they still come by and talk to us like they were just here yesterday.”

A handful have wisecracked their way to bigger stages, like Ron Ziegler , the White House press secretary for President Richard M. Nixon; the filmmaker John Lasseter ; Steve Franks, a screenwriter and the creator of the TV series “Psych”; and, it’s said, the actor Kevin Costner. (Alas, stories that Robin Williams and Steve Martin honed their humor at the helm are apparently only myths.)

Other former skippers have recounted their experiences on podcasts like “Tales From the Jungle Crews” and “The Backside of Water,” or provided pandemic uplift in Freddy Martin’s “World Famous Jungle Cruise” video and its sequel .

And a bold few have revealed some not-Disney-approved antics in books like “ Skipper Stories : True Tales From Disneyland’s Jungle Cruise,” a compilation of six decades of anecdotes from former skippers, including the author, David John Marley.

To wit: The ritual of becoming a “real skipper” by peeing in the river at night. The Jungle Justice inflicted on skippers who abused their break time (they found themselves suddenly scheduled for upward of 90 minutes of nonstop cruises without water or a bathroom stop). The off-hours party where $2,000 was spent on alcohol and condoms.

A good skipper is an extrovert, a nut and somewhat of a rogue. At least that’s how Bill Sullivan , who joined the Jungle Cruise in 1955, once put it . His own skipper colleagues included a man who arrived one morning with chameleons around his neck.

They didn’t have much of a script in the beginning so the men wrote their own, Sullivan, who eventually became vice president of the Magic Kingdom, recalled in 2008. (Women didn’t become skippers until the mid-1990s.)

The spiel had been repeatedly fine-tuned by the time Franks landed his gig in the late 1980s. And venturing from it was ill-advised.

“You would hear these stories about supervisors hiding in the jungle, listening for people going off-book, but if that was true, they would have canned me on Day 2,” he said. “I knew I wanted to make movies, and I was doing stand-up at the time. And as soon as we got around the first corner, I was working in material.”

Franks stayed at Disneyland for eight and a half years, writing the script for Adam Sandler’s “Big Daddy” while monitoring the Enchanted Tiki Room.

Crews may have been rowdier back in the day, but “today we’re much more conservative, a little less the Wild West,” said Kevin Lively, one of two skippers chosen to represent Disneyland at Tokyo Disney Resort’s 25th anniversary celebration in 2009. (There’s also a Jungle Cruise at Walt Disney World and Hong Kong Disneyland.)

Lively now works as a Disney Imagineer, developing skipper spiels and contributing “gnu” magic to the attraction, which has replaced racist elements like spear-throwing African “headhunters” with a story about Felix Pechman XIII, “the unluckiest skipper on the dock.”

And when the “Jungle Cruise” movie needed an injection of humor, Lively was on it.

“I shotgun-blast puns and references and Easter eggs to them, and let them kind of just run amok,” he said. “There’s stuff in there that I think all these skippers will get, which just makes me over-the-moon happy. They really showed their love of the attraction in that film.”

Skipper Frank’s ersatz Amazon tour wasn’t in the original script, said Jaume Collet-Serra, the movie’s director. But once the filmmaker had ridden the actual Jungle Cruise and witnessed reactions to that “backside of water” joke, he knew what he had to do.

Treat the audience to a mini-Jungle Cruise experience.

“I was like, let me give them what they want for two minutes and then I’ll give them more, but at least they’ll be happy early,” he said. “You know, ‘Here is what you came for — now let the movie begin.’”

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