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RUSH INTO ADVENTURE ON THESE 12 THRILL-FILLED SLIDES

Published on May 3, 2018

SERIOUS THRILLS

1. the ultimate abyss — the tallest slide at sea.

Step into the mouth of a giant purple angler fish and hold onto your wits— you’re going to need them when braving the tallest slide at sea. If you’re a thrill seeker, you’ll definitely get your adrenaline fix while plunging ten decks down on the  Ultimate Abyss . Once you’ve made it to the bottom of this daring dry slide, you can cross one more first off your bucket list.

Onboard  Harmony of the Seas  and  Symphony of the Seas .

2. DAREDEVIL’S PEAK — THE TALLEST WATERSLIDE IN NORTH AMERICA

Calling all daredevils: the thrill’s about to get real. At  Daredevil’s Tower , the main thing to remember is that the higher you climb, the bigger the rush— and Daredevil’s Peak is the highest point of all. Standing at 135 feet, it’s the tallest waterslide in all of North America— and one that’s guaranteed to test your limits.

One of seven slides at Daredevil’s Tower in  Thrill Waterpark  on  Perfect Day at CocoCay .

3. RIPTIDE — THE ONLY HEADFIRST MAT RACER AT SEA

Grab a mat and take on a wet and wild race to the bottom on the all-new  Riptide , the only headfirst mat racer at sea and the longest of its kind. It’s a high-speed, twisting, turning exhilarating plunge down a translucent tube that even sends you hurtling over the side of the cruise ship. Is your heart racing yet?

Exclusively onboard the amplified  Navigator of the Seas .

4. DUELING DEMONS — THE ULTIMATE ALTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

If you love the sensation of free falling, this is the ride for you. The Dueling Demons are twin drop slides that launch riders from a vertical position 75 feet above the ground. Who’s ready for a little heightened adrenaline?

Located at Daredevil’s Tower inside  Thrill Waterpark  on  Perfect Day at CocoCay .

5. THE BLASTER — THE LONGEST WATERSLIDE AT SEA

The newest addition to the Royal Caribbean lineup,  The Blaster  uses a state-of-the-art hydraulics system with five waterjet blasters to propel you and a partner along 800 feet of dips, drops and straightaways. You’ll even race through the longest stretch of slide ever to be suspended over the side of a cruise ship, an open-air chute that scores you deck-defying views of the ocean below. This is the longest and best waterslide at sea— and the first Royal Caribbean aqua coaster— so expect larger-than-life thrills.

Exclusively onboard  Navigator of the Seas .

6. TIDAL WAVE — THE ONLY BOOMERANG-STYLE SLIDE AT SEA

The first boomerang-style slide at sea,  Tidal Wave  is an exhilarating experience unlike any other. First you plummet down this cool slide on a raft before your momentum flings you up a ramp and into a moment of zero gravity. In the blink of an eye, you’ll find yourself racing back down on the rebound.

Exclusively onboard  Liberty of the Seas .

7. THE TWISTER — GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU WHIPSPLASH

Grab your bravest friend and board a tandem raft on The Twister, a massive winding tube. It’s kind of like a lazy river slide— if you took out the ‘lazy’ and replaced it with rushing currents, exhilarating turns and a whole lot of speed.

Located at Splash Summit inside  Thrill Waterpark  on  Perfect Day at CocoCay .

8. SLINGSHOT — FREE FALLING NEVER FELT SO GOOD

Like the Tidal Wave onboard Liberty of the Seas, the Slingshot is all about momentum and gravity. Board a raft with three other daring riders and get ready for a zero-gravity rush as you boomerang from one end of the slide to the other. Think of it as the most adrenaline-charged way to experience the laws of motion first-hand.

9. THE PERFECT STORM — TWICE THE EXHILARATION

What’s three stories high and loaded with super-soaked twists and turns?  The Perfect Storm water slide duo . It’s made up of two high-speed slides — Typhoon and Cyclone — intertwined in one white-knuckle experience, which means you can dare a friend to join in the action and race them to the bottom. Some of the panels are even translucent, offering breathtaking views as you speed along on your journey.

Onboard  Adventure ,  Harmony ,  Independence ,  Liberty ,  Mariner  and  Symphony of the Seas

FAMILY FRIENDLY

10. supercell — an oasis class exclusive.

A supercharged addition to The Perfect Storm exclusively on the newest Oasis Class cruise ships, this ride starts off as a typical water slide— with a surprise ending. The real fun happens inside the ‘Supercell,’ a large bowl shaped like a champagne saucer. The current swirls you around and around in a tightening spiral before finally carrying you through the exit.

11. MANTA RAYCERS — FROM TAG-TEAM TO TAG-SCREAM

If you’re the competitive type, grab a friend and race them to the finish line on the Manta Raycers, twin open flume slides that let you really feel the wind in your hair.

Located at Daredevil’s Tower in  Thrill Waterpark  on  Perfect Day at CocoCay .

12. SPLASHAWAY BAY — FOR LITTLE ADVENTURERS

Even the smallest daredevils can get in on the slide action at  Splashaway Bay  aqua park, where tots to tweens can enjoy colorful waterslides, fountains, pools, and whirlpools.

Located onboard select Royal Caribbean cruise ships and  Perfect Day at CocoCay .

Are you feeling the thrills yet with our selection of best slides? Because we’ve hardly scratched the surface. Royal Caribbean has plenty more adrenaline-inducing slide experiences up its sleeve— including a few more surprises when Thrill Waterpark debuts with a whopping 13 waterslides at Perfect Day at CocoCay in 2019. Stay tuned for more details, and keep on coasting.

*Minimum height and weight restrictions apply for users of all slides.

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Love A Water Park? Find Out Which Royal Caribbean Ships Have Water Slides

Water parks are a huge feature of modern family cruising, with ships offering bigger and better all the time. Today we are looking at which Royal Caribbean Ships have water slides and which ships have Splashaway Bay. This will help families choose the right ship when cruising with kids who love activities and water parks at sea.

We have also added which ships have Splashaway Bay, as this is great for families with younger children as the slides are smaller and gentler whilst still offering little ones hours of water fun.

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Which Royal Caribbean Ships Have Water Slides?

We are going to look at which Royal Caribbean cruise ships have water slides, and what water slides will you find on each ship. However to get you started, heres are list of the Royal Caribbean ships that have waterslides.

• Adventure Of The Seas
• Navigator of the Seas
• Harmony of the Seas
• Icon of the Seas
• I ndependence of the Seas
• Freedom Of The Seas
• Mariner Of The Seas
• Oasis Of The Seas
• Odyssey of the Seas (Splashaway Bay only)
• Ovation of the Seas (Splashaway Bay only)
• Spectrum Of The Seas (Splashaway Bay only)
• Symphony of the Seas
• Liberty of the Seas
• Voyager Of The Seas
• Wonder Of The Seas

Royal Caribbean Water Slides By Ship

Adventure of the seas water slides.

• Splashaway Bay, 2 Mini Slides.

Navigator of the Seas Water Slides

• The Blaster Aqua Coaster
• Riptide Mat Racer Waterslide.

Harmony of the Seas Water Slides

• Splashaway Bay, 2 mini water slides.

Freedom Of The Seas Water Slides

• Splashaway Bay, 2 mini slides and a baby slide.

Mariner Of The Seas Water Slides

Oasis of the seas water slides.

• Splashaway Bay, 3 mini water slides.

Odyssey Of The Seas Water Slides

• Splashaway Bay, 2 mini slides

Ovation Of The Seas Water Slides

Spectrum of the seas water slides.

Symphony of the Seas Water Slides

• Plus Splashaway Bay, 4 mini slides.
• Frightening Bolt, the tallest drop slide at sea 46 feet tall | 282 feet long
• Pressure Drop, the first open freefall slide at sea 66° incline | 108 feet long
• Hurricane Hunter & Storm Surge, the first family raft slides at sea 425 feet long | 395 feet long
• Storm Chasers, the first mat-racing duo at sea 394 feet long | 425 feet long
• Surfside area with the Waters Edge Family Pool, Splashaway Bay (1 waterslide) and Baby Bay

Independence of the Seas Water Slides

• Splashaway Bay, 3 mini slides.

Liberty of the Seas Water Slides

• Splashaway Bay, 2 mini slides.

Voyager Of The Seas Water Slides

Wonder of the seas water slides.

• Splashaway Bay Slides, 4 mini slides.

Royal Caribbean Water Slides Comparison Table

This table will show you a comparison of which Royal Caribbean Ships have which waterslides and Splashaway Bay. It may help you choose your next Royal Caribbean Cruise Vacation, especially if you have a water slide loving family.

What Are The Different Royal Caribbean Water Slide Restrictions?

Icon of the seas waterslides.

We are keeping the water slides on the Icon of the Seas together as these are unique to the ship. However, these are the restrictions for each waterslide.

Storm Chasers

• Minimum height 48 in (122 cm)
• Maximum weight 300 lb (136 kg)

Storm Surge

• Maximum weight 441 lb (200 kg)
• Maximum of three riders at a time per raft (depending on the combined maximum weight)
• Minimum 2 riders

Hurricane Hunter

• Maximum weight 595 lb (270 kg) 
• Maximum of four riders at a time per raft (depending on the combined maximum weight)

Frightening Bolt

• Minimum height 52 in (132 cm)

Pressure Drop

The Blaster

The Blaster hailed as a water coaster at sea has a hydraulic system which propels you and your partner along 800 feet of dips, drops and straightaways. With the longest stretch of slide reaching out over the side of the ship , and an open air chute offering the best view at sea.

How Tall Do You Need To Be For The Blaster ?

• Height Restrictions: 45″ minimum (guests under 48″ must ride with an adult)
• Weight Restrictions: 400 lbs. maximum per raft (2 people)

Grab a mat and take on a wet and wild race to the bottom on the all-new  Riptide , the only headfirst mat racer at sea and the longest of its kind. It’s a high-speed, twisting, turning exhilarating plunge down a translucent tube that even sends you hurtling over the side of the cruise ship. Is your heart racing yet? Exclusively onboard the newly amplified Navigator of the Seas.

• Height Restrictions: 42″ minimum
• Weight Restrictions: 300 lbs. maximum

Perfect Storm, Typhoon And Cyclone

• Height Restrictions: 48″ minimum
• Weight Restrictions: 300 lbs. maximum (220 lbs. maximum for Typhoon℠ and 250 lbs. maximum for Cyclone℠ on Adventure of the Seas ® )

The Perfect Storm water slide duo. It’s made up of two high speed slides, the Typhoon and Cyclone intertwined in one exciting water experience, which means you can dare a friend to join in the action and race them to the bottom. Some of the panels are even translucent, offering breathtaking views of the seas as you speed along on your journey.

A supercharged addition to The Perfect Storm exclusively on the newest Oasis Class cruise ships, this ride starts off as a typical water slide but with an exciting ending. The real fun happens inside the ‘Supercell,’ a large bowl shaped like a champagne saucer. The current swirls you around and around in a tightening spiral before finally carrying you through the exit.

The first boomerang-style slide at sea, Tidal Wave is an exhilarating experience unlike any other. First you plummet down this cool slide on a raft before gravity flings you up a ramp and into a moment of zero gravity, before you race back down.

• Height Restrictions: 52″ minimum
• Weight Restrictions: 75 lbs. individual minimum, 280 lbs. individual maximum 450 lbs. total weight maximum

Splashaway Bay

Splashaway Bay is a great Royal Caribbean pool area for little ones. Babies and toddlers must be fully potty trained to use the main pool area. Some pools do have baby splash zones, these are exclusively for babies in nappies/diapers.

Which Royal Caribbean Ships have Splashaway Bay?

• Harmony of the Seas.
• Odyssey of the Seas 
• Ovation of the Seas
• Spectrum Of The Seas
• Independence of the Seas
• Liberty of the Seas.

Height Restrictions For Splashaway Bay

• Height Restrictions: 42″ minimum (42” minimum for the purple slide and 45” minimum for the yellow slide on Liberty of the Seas ® )

Which Royal Caribbean Ship Has The Longest Water Slide?

The Blaster in Royal Caribbean longest water slide with 800 feet of dips, drops and straightaways. The Blaster can be found on the Navigator of the Seas.

Royal Have A Varied Selection of Slides For All

If you have kids who love waterslides. Or indeed are water slide adrenaline junkies yourself then you wont be disappointed as many of the ships in the Royal Caribbean fleet have water slides and splash areas for cruisers to enjoy.

Sarah also writes for Mini Travellers Family Travel Blog and Extraordinary Chaos Craft and Lifestyle Blog. Both are award-winning blogs with a travel and family focus. She is married and has two boys, aged 18 and 22, who all love cruising as a family. Nothing is better than waking up every day in a new port with new and exciting things to explore. She aims to share how cruising as a family with young adults is the perfect choice for family travel. Her boys are sporty and love the activities, sports and dining options cruising offers. Sarah has worked with brands such as Walt Disney World, Mark Warner, Ikos Resort, Center Parcs, Laura Ashley, Belling and Next.

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Guide to Thrill Island & Category 6 Waterpark on Icon of the Seas

When it comes to Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas , there is plenty that’s completely new to the fleet. And the ship — the largest cruise ship on the planet — is arguably the most talked-about vessel ever to hit the water.

But without a doubt the most eye-catching and discussed feature of Royal Caribbean’s newest ship is the massive waterpark that dominates the back of the ship. This waterpark, dubbed Category 6, is actually part of a larger neighborhood on the ship known as Thrill Island.

Given that this is set to be one of the biggest draws to sailing Icon of the Seas, here’s what you should know about the area before you sail…

What Is Thrill Island?

Put simply, you can think of Thrill Island as a full theme park aboard Icon of the Seas. The area covers a massive portion of the aft park of the ship. Whereas on some cruise ships this area might house a pool or open space for lounge chairs, Royal Caribbean has turned it into a complete destination.

Everything here is designed to be fun and active, with a focus on being outdoors for the entire family. Whether you have kids (or yourself) that want to take on the biggest waterslides at sea… or you’d rather find a spot on the deck to watch, Thrill Island looks to have you covered.

What Attractions Are There With Thrill Island?

Royal Caribbean designed the area to be a place where you can literally spend all day given the number of attractions. In fact, even if you’re hungry you don’t have to leave Thrill Island. Here’s a full list of everything that Royal Caribbean has included in the area:

Flowrider Fans of Royal Caribbean will know the Flowrider. The standing wave simulator gives passengers the chance to boogie board or surf while on the ship. And while some of the cruise line’s largest ships have two of the rides, Icon of the Seas will only have one located at the back of the ship.

Category 6 Waterpark Perhaps the biggest draw to Thrill Island is the massive (17,000 square feet) Category 6 waterpark that takes up almost the entire starboard side of the area. That name isn’t just a clever play on the hurricane scale, but it also ties in with the staggering six different waterslides that are available to ride.

Storm Surge & Hurricane Hunter: These two slides are raft-based rides designed for families to be able to enjoy together. So parents and the kids can all ride as one group as the slide takes them up and out over the ship on a see-through wall that should be as thrilling as it is fun.

Pressure Drop: If you’re a fan of “drop” slides, this is your ride. Pressure Drop is the “first open freefall slides at sea” according to Royal Caribbean. You push yourself over the edge to a staggering 66-degree incline that’s fast and thrilling.

Storm Chasers: These slides are two “dueling” mat-racing slides where you can race friends to see who is the fastest. And at more than 430-feet long, this isn’t some waterslide that’s been pared down to fit on a cruise ship. Both slides loop back and forth around the waterpark.

Frightening Bolt: For those that want the biggest thrill, it comes in the form of the Frightening Bolt. Here, you step in and the floor falls out from under you, “dropping” you 46 feet before the slide catches you. And did we mention there is a clear portion of the tube so that you can see exactly how quickly you are falling as you ride?

Lost Dunes Mini-golf has become a fixture on cruise ships, but we’ll be honest — most courses are pretty pedestrian. Royal Caribbean says Lost Dunes is mini-golf “on steroids.” The area is heavily themed with the “Thrill Island” idea, complete with wrecked ship, crashed planes and more.

Adrenaline Peak Royal Caribbean is famous for rock climbing walls on ships, and this iteration is dubbed Adrenaline Peak. There are five different lanes for climbing and it will also not just be a blank wall with some handholds. Tree vines and other additions will be included to fit with the vibe.

Sport Court A sport court is a must on a cruise ship, and Icon of the Seas’ court takes a prominent spot, raised up from the deck below and providing wide open ocean views.

Crown’s Edge A completely new feature aboard Icon, you can think of Crown’s Edge as a ropes course that’s taken to a whole other level. The experience takes place on the massive Royal Caribbean logo on the side of the ship — and 150 feet over the ocean. You strap into a harness and make your way over obstacles. And at the end, the floor drops, sending you riding out over the ocean.

Base Camp Instead of having to leave the fun to get a bite to eat, Thrill Island includes Base Camp — a family-friendly spot where you can grab burgers, sandwiches, and sides. No word on the exact menu as of the time of this article, but Royal Caribbean has said it is “meant to be both complementary and for-pay” food and beverage spot.

Desserted Fitting with the island theme, cleverly-named Deserted is a milkshake bar. Kids can get a milkshake, while parents can get one of their own with an adult beverage mixed in.

Is There a Charge for Thrill Island/Category 6 on the Ship?

While things can always change, unlike the waterpark on CocoCay (Thrill Waterpark ), Category 6 and Thrill Island are said to be free aboard Icon of the Seas.

We sat in on an information session about Icon of the Seas when Chief Product Innovation Officer Jay Schneider was asked about why the waterpark would have six slides.

He answered that it was based on studies of how to best ensure there were enough rides to minimize lines based on the expected numbers in the waterpark.

“One of the ways to do that is to charge for it, and then suddenly, automatically shrink capacity. We didn’t want to do that, so we just built a bigger waterpark,” Schneider said.

Are There Height/Weight Limits for the Rides?

As of now, there’s no word on requirements to ride the waterslides in Category 6. However, you can expect that there will be some.

For example, the Flowrider on other ships has a 52″ minimum to ride. And waterslides on other Royal Caribbean ships see minimums of 48″ tall.

The waterslides on CocoCay don’t have age limits but have max weights of 300 pounds and typically have a 48″ minimum to ride. The raft rides of CocoCay have a 48″ minimum as well, unless with an adult and wearing a life vest. Then the minimum is 42″ tall.

It’s likely that many rides will see similar marks.

Does This Mean There Aren’t Places to Just Relax on Icon of the Seas?

Icon of the Seas — and Thrill Island in particular — definitely look to provide a lot to do. But if you’re the sort of person that just wants to relax on the pool deck, then that’s definitely available. There are multiple pools, including one that spans the back of the ship and another with a swim-up bar. Places to lounge are just about everywhere on the top deck, as well as spots like Central Park that are open to the air thanks to the split design of the ship.

This ship is meant to provide everything to everyone, whether they want to relax, or get a shot of adrenaline at Thrill Island.

Where Can I See More about Thrill Island?

Royal Caribbean released the following video outlining what you can expect at Thrill Island. It covers all the ins and outs of what’s included.

More on Icon of the Seas:

• Icon of the Seas: What to Know About Royal Caribbean’s New Ship (Read Before Booking)
• 11 More NEW Details Revealed About Icon of the Seas
• Icon of the Seas’ $75,000 Cabin Already 55% Booked… A Year Before it Sails!

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Everything You Need to Know About The Perfect Storm Slides on Royal Carbibbean

Updated: Sep 17, 2023

Royal Caribbean started adding slides to their cruise ships in 2016 and they have been a huge hit ever since! The addition of water slides to their ships has definitely made them a more attractive cruise line for families who have kids that need to be kept busy all. of. the. time. Read on to find out everything you need to know about The Perfect Storm water slides, what they are, and what ships you can find them on!

What is the Perfect Storm?

Simply put, the Perfect Storm are slides that you'll find on six different Royal Caribbean cruise ships. All eight ships that offer The Perfect Storm have both the Cyclone & Typhoon - a set of racer slides, cruisers can choose between the two and then hop on at the same time to see who makes it to the bottom first! They are a huge hit with kids and teenagers! You'll find the Cyclone & Typhoon on a total of eight Royal Caribbean ships, but some on some of those ships you will also find a third slide, which can vary by ship! Confused yet? Read on and we'll clear it all up!

Supercell Slide

The Supercell slide, found only on Royal Caribbean stars out just like a regular slide before shooting you into a huge bowl that you'll loop around before finally racing to the pool at the bottom of the slide. It's crazy fun and a favorite with cruises, both young at old. All of the slides on Royal Caribbean are included in the price of your cruise fare so you can ride this as many times as you'd like! Please keep in mind the minimum height is 48" and the max weight is 300 lbs.

You will find the Supercell on the following Royal Caribbean ships:

Oasis of the Seas

Symphony of the Seas

Harmony of the Seas

The Tidal Wave is different than anything I've ever seen before! You'll use a raft for two on this slide. After climbing the stairs to the top of the slide tower where you will board your raft to get on this boomerang style slide. You'll start with a steep plummet to gain speed before being flung up the wave and then rebounding back towards the other side where you will eventually be deposited into a pool to end your ride. As with all other slides on Royal Caribbean, The Tidal Wave is included in your cruise fare. The minimum height to ride is 52" and the minimum weight is 75 pounds. There is a maximum weight limit of 280 pounds. There MUST BE two riders on this slide so if your cruise buddy can't (or won't) go you'll have to make a new friend! The Tide Wave Boomerang slide is only found on Liberty of the Seas.

If you are counting, you may have realized that I've only talked about four ships and at the beginning of this article I told you there are eight total ships that have The Perfect Storm. Here are the four ships that offer just the two racer slides of The Perfect Storm:

Mariner of the Seas

Adventure of the Seas

Freedom of the Seas

Independence of the Seas

While Royal Caribbean is hands down my favorite line to cruise with kids, they do have A LOT of ships and each ship has different offerings and it can get confusing very quickly when you're trying an itinerary on a ship with all the things you just can't live without! We're here to help! Fill out this form or send us an email or call/text us at 800-368-3395 and we'll help you find the perfect ship for your next cruise. That's not all we do, we can also help you make your travel arrangements and even book dinner and show reservations for you and it doesn't cost you a single penny! Contact us today and learn more about how we can make your next cruise headache and hassle free!

If you are a do-it yourself kinds of person and want to search for your next cruise yourself, we highly recommend Cruise Direct for searching and booking cruises . You can learn more about why we recommend Cruise Direct in this blog post !

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The Cruise Line That Never Did Waterslides Just Unveiled the Longest One Ever at Sea  

The world's biggest cruise line, Royal Caribbean, was a notable latecomer when it comes to the trend of cruise lines adding giant waterslides atop their ships. As recently as early 2016, it didn't have a single one on any of its vessels, even as rivals Carnival Cruise Line, Norwegian Cruise Line and MSC Cruises were touting waterslides galore across their fleets.

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But over the past three years, the Miami-based company has been making up for lost time. Since adding its first waterslides to the Galveston, Texas-based Liberty of the Seas in February 2016, Royal Caribbean has rapidly rolled out 17 of the most spectacular waterslides at sea across seven of its vessels, including — just a few weeks ago — the longest one ever built on a cruise ship.

Last weekend, I got a peek at this new record-setting attraction, which is on the line's just-revamped Navigator of the Seas. It's called The Blaster and, as I admitted in a sneak peek of the vessel's $115 million makeover , it is, indeed, a blast. But not for the reason you might think.

Despite its unusually long length (it stretches more than 800 feet) The Blaster isn't a scream-inducing thrill ride. It didn't strike fear into me like the new Daredevil's Peak waterslide at Royal Caribbean's Perfect Day at CocoCay, which plunges from a height of 135 feet and is the biggest waterslide drop in North America. (I'm still getting over that one, which I tried for the first time on this very same trip.)

What The Blaster does do, however, is give you an opportunity for quality fun time with one of your kids, your spouse, a friend or, heck, maybe even a stranger. That's because The Blaster is a two-person tube ride, and it was specifically designed to be a family attraction that gets you and your loved ones together. Very, very close together.

"It's meant to be fun for everybody," Royal Caribbean's vice president for product development, Laura Hodges Bethge, told me during an interview about the ship. The allure, she said, is that, "You get to do it together."

The Blaster isn't just a waterslide but what's known as an aqua coaster. It features water jets that propel you up and down as you careen around the back of the ship and even beyond its sides, out over open water.

Hodges Bethge, who was responsible for the overhaul of Navigator, said she sent three teams of her employees with their kids to waterparks around the country to see what sort of waterslides they thought were the most fun for families. All three came back saying it was the multiperson aqua coasters.

"When the teams came back, they said doing a slide by yourself is really fun, but doing it with somebody else just makes the experience much better," Hodges Bethge said. "We said, [if] that's the best experience, then we have to create it."

It wasn't easy. Hodges Bethge called it a "very big challenge" to build an aqua coaster on the back of Navigator. It's something almost no other line has tried before. Only Disney Cruise Line has done something similar (but smaller) on two of its ships.

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Personally, I was amazed at the intricacy of the design of the ride, which weaves its way like a crafty serpent around and above the ship's existing basketball court, rock climbing wall and FlowRider surf simulator. It also twirls around a second new waterslide in the same back-of-the-ship area. Called Riptide, this second attraction also is unusual in that it's the first headfirst mat racer waterslide at sea. That is to say, it's basically an elaborate device that washes your face. I admit that I had a grand time watching people get blasted with water as they splashed down at the end.

"We wanted to make sure we had a little bit more thrill for those who wanted it," Hodges Bethge said of Riptide's headfirst format.

Why so much effort to "go big" with waterslides atop Navigator? It turns out that, after years of shunning waterslides, Royal Caribbean has found they are guest-satisfaction nirvana.

"When we look at one of the highest guest satisfiers on our ships, it's our waterslides," Hodges Bethge said. "Families and kids of all ages love them."

Gene Sloan has written about cruising for more than 25 years and for many years oversaw USA TODAY's award-winning cruise site, USA TODAY Cruises. He's sailed on nearly 150 ships.

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You won’t believe these 10 incredible cruise ship features for 2024.

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There’s a clear trend in cruise ship design that “bigger is better”, with ships like Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas setting new passenger records and redefining the idea of a cruise vacation.

Major cruise lines are also competing with each other by introducing innovative activities and features to the high seas.

From racing around multi-level karting courses to taking your pick of the latest blockbusters inside multiscreen movie theaters, these are some of the most impressive activities available on cruise ships right now.

Karting on ships has been around for a while, but the latest ‘Prima class’ of cruise ships introduced by Norwegian Cruise Line takes things up a notch.

Go-karting track on the Norwegian Prima cruise ship.

The track on the Norwegian Prima and Norwegian Viva now spans three levels, offering guests a longer, more intense karting experience than on the line’s older ships.

Described as “a perfect way to spend a day at sea” by CN Traveler’s Meena Thiruvengadam , the 1,400-foot track hosts various competitions throughout a cruise, with a podium to reward winners and a fastest lap scoreboard continually updated.

The activity isn’t included in the cruise fare. Typically, $15 buys you entry into a race. For additional fees, it’s possible to rent the track for yourself in order to drive faster, or even buy a pass for unlimited use of the track.

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Aew dynamite results winners and grades as cm punk destroys jack perry, o j simpson dies of cancer at 76, robot bartenders.

Royal Caribbean's ‘Quantum class’ and some of its ‘Oasis class’ ships feature robotic bartenders. These robots mix themed drinks like the signature Bionic Tea.

While an innovative feature and a fun experience as a one-off, the bars aren't necessarily somewhere you’ll want to hang around for hours.

Moving Bars

Found on Royal Caribbean’s biggest cruise ships, the Rising Tide Bar provides guests the opportunity to enjoy their preferred drinks while moving vertically between the ship's decks.

Magic Carpet is an orange glass-sheltered platform suspended from the starboard side of the cruise ... [+] ship Celebrity Edge.

But moving bars aren't restricted to inside a cruise ship. Each of Celebrity’s newest ‘Edge class’ vessels are equipped with the Magic Carpet .

This orange exterior apparatus can move up and down the starboard side of the ship, serving various functions throughout the cruise. It’s used as a tender platform, but most notably it turns into an open-air dining venue and bar, accompanied by spectacular views and an ocean breeze.

Zip lines on cruise ships offer an exhilarating adventure on board, allowing passengers to soar across the deck and take in stunning ocean views, if they can keep their eyes open!

Found mainly on modern, larger vessels, these attractions can stretch over 600 feet in length. Although not widespread, Royal Caribbean's ‘Oasis class’ ships, together with some ships from MSC Cruises and Norwegian Cruise Line feature zip lines.

Rollercoasters

Another option to feel the sea breeze while enjoying an exhilarating experience can be found on Carnival’s ‘Bolt’, the world’s first rollercoaster at sea.

Three ships operated by Carnival Cruise Line feature a rollercoaster known as 'Bolt'.

Capable of reaching speeds of up to 40 mph, the attraction is available on Carnival’s Mardi Gras , Celebration and Jubilee ships.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Disney Cruise Line also features theme park style attractions on some of its ships. Guests in the two-person rafts on the serpentine water coaster ‘Aqua Duck’ reach speeds of up to 14 mph.

Planetariums

A facility designed to simulate the night sky for educational and entertainment purposes, a planetarium is an immersive environment that allows people to explore the universe from the comfort of their seats.

While lacking the adrenaline-fueled fun of zip-lines or karting, planetariums are nevertheless an exciting feature on a handful of cruise ships. Cunard’s ocean liner Queen Mary 2 and Viking Orion are among the few ships with this intriguing feature.

Multiscreen Cinemas

Princess Cruises was the first cruise line to introduce giant outdoor movie screens, but other lines are now pushing hard into the world of the silver screen.

The foyer of the multiscreen cinema onboard P&O cruise ship 'Arvia'.

Carnival was the first—and still only—cruise line to offer a full IMAX experience at sea. If choice matters more, P&O Arvia features a three-screen cinema showing multiple different pictures throughout the day.

Skydiving Simulators

The ‘Quantum class’ ships in Royal Carribean's fleet feature Ripcord by iFLY , a skydiving simulator that offers guests the opportunity to experience the thrill of skydiving including the feel of weightlessness in a safe environment.

Although a pricey activity, the cruise line does usually release a limited number of complimentary spaces, allowing everyone the chance to try it out if you’re flexible on time.

Surfing Simulators

On a Royal Caribbean cruise, adventure-seekers can surf the waves without setting foot off the ship.

The FlowRider surfing simulator is a signature feature of Royal Caribbean cruise ships.

Whether you're just starting out or you've surfed before, you can dive into the fun with either boogie boarding or standup surfing on one of the 19 FlowRider surf simulators spread across the fleet.

Arcades on cruise ships are nothing new, but in recent years new virtual reality technology has transformed these spaces into immersive VR arcades, elevating the gaming experience to a new level.

These cutting-edge attractions blend the nostalgic charm of traditional arcades with the thrilling experiences of virtual reality. However, be aware that the experiences might trigger seasickness in susceptible cruisers.

Unlimited passes for Norwegian Cruise Lines’ Galaxy Pavilion provide good value for teenagers and big kids alike.

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'Drunk' 20-year-old man missing after jumping off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship

• A 20-year-old man on holiday with his family jumped off a Royal Caribbean cruise. 
• The man has been missing since jumping overboard in front of his father and brother.
• The US Coast Guard has launched a search operation. 

A 20-year-old man jumped off the Royal Caribbean's Liberty of the Seas cruise on Thursday morning while vacationing with his family.

The passenger, whose identity has not been revealed, jumped overboard at about 4 a.m. and has been missing since.

The US Coast Guard said on X on Thursday that its crews were "searching for a 20-year-old man who went overboard from the Liberty of the Seas cruise ship near The Bahamas.

A Royal Caribbean spokesperson told Business Insider in a statement: "Our Care Team is providing support and assistance to the guest's family during this difficult time."

Passengers on the Liberty of the Seas ship described the tragedy as a "spur-of-the-moment decision."

Passenger Bryan Sims told the New York Post that the missing passenger was "pretty drunk" and that they had hung out in the hot tub until 3:30 a.m.

Sims said that when they left the hot tub, they encountered the drunk passenger's father while approaching the elevators.

"His dad was fussing at him for being drunk," said Sims.

The unidentified passenger reportedly told his father, "I'll fix this right now," and jumped out of the window.

Fellow passengers said his father and brother witnessed the "impulsive" leap.

Deborah Morrison, another passenger on board the cruise, told the Post that "there was a lot of yelling and that the crew was alerted immediately."

"The ship's crew immediately launched a search and rescue effort alongside the US Coast Guard, who has taken over the search," the Royal Caribbean spokesperson said.

The US Coast Guard said USCG Cutter Seneca and Air Station Miami HC-144 crews were conducting the search.

The Liberty of the Seas departed from South Florida and was 57 miles from Great Inagua in The Bahamas when the passenger jumped overboard.

The cruise ship has 18 decks and can accommodate 3,634 passengers, served by a crew of about 1,300.

The chances of you falling overboard off a cruise ship are extremely low .

In 2023, About 31 million passengers traveled on a cruise, and about 10 people went overboard, of which two miraculously survived, Business Insider reported .

"Even one incident is one too many," CLIA told Business Insider, explaining that "the vast majority of cases are either reckless behavior or some form of intentional act. People don't just inadvertently fall over the side of a ship."

Last month, a 23-year-old man who felt seasick fell overboard from the MSC Euribia cruise ship while crossing the North Sea in Europe and was presumed dead.

In December, an MSC Cruises passenger jumped from one of its ships while sailing from Europe to South America.

According to a Cruise Lines International Association (CLIA) report, only 28.2% of passengers who fell overboard from 2009 to 2019 were successfully rescued.

If you enjoyed this story, be sure to follow Business Insider on Microsoft Start.

Royal Caribbean's family-friendly private island is about to get more crowded with Gen Xers

• Celebrity Cruises will sail to Royal Caribbean's Perfect Day at CocoCay for the first time.
• The cruise lines target different demographics, but the business case is solid.
• The private island is scheduled on 47 of Celebrity's itineraries this year.

Royal Caribbean's family-friendly private island is about to get a bit more crowded — with Gen Xers.

On April 21, Gen X-beloved Celebrity Cruises will voyage to Royal Caribbean International's Perfect Day at CocoCay for the first time, marking the start of a Celebrity-CocoCay bonanza: The premium cruise line plans to visit the family-friendly getaway 47 more times before the end of the year.

According to Celebrity, these itineraries will both double its year-round Caribbean offerings and launch its first weekend cruises . And travelers are hyped: A handful of these sailings are halfway or close to selling out.

Fares start at about $277 per person for a three-day roundtrip cruise from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in which the Caribbean island is the only destination on the itinerary.

Travelers familiar with Celebrity and CocoCay might be scratching their heads

Royal Caribbean and Celebrity share the same parent company, Royal Caribbean Group .

For the most part, that's where their similarities end.

Royal Caribbean's private island is a tropical dream for cruising families dotted with sprawling beaches, clubs, a zipline, and a waterpark. The private destination is colorful, loud, kid-friendly, and generally the antithesis of what travelers might find on Celebrity's ships.

Celebrity's stylish vessels do offer children and teen programming. But if you want the exciting water slides, fun rides, and rock climbing walls of the popular mass-market ships, you're better off looking elsewhere.

Compared to Royal Caribbean's ships, Celebrity is best if you want to be on a premium, trendy, and more subdued cruise.

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If it's not obvious, the two brands are vying for different guests. Royal Caribbean goes after multi-generational families, while Celebrity's target demographic is Gen Xers, Lisa Lutoff-Perlo, the then-CEO of Celebrity Cruises, told Business Insider in 2021.

Celebrity sails to 300 ports on all seven continents — why this sudden push for the private Caribbean island?

In short, cruisers love Celebrity's upcoming Caribbean destination .

Last year, Michael Bayley, president and CEO of Royal Caribbean International, told analysts that CocoCay had seen robust demand, including from repeat travelers.

About two-thirds of Royal Caribbean's Caribbean-bound guests will stop at CocoCay this year. And most of them aren't complaining: "The vast majority of people love the islands," Patrick Scholes, a lodging and leisure research analyst at Truist Securities, told Business Insider in March.

But for the two brands' parent company, there are more benefits to private island cruising besides guest satisfaction.

CocoCay is one night's sailing from Florida's major cruise ports, reducing the visiting ships' fuel consumption and costs.

More importantly, these private destinations keep more profits in-house.

A day pass to CocoCay's waterpark can exceed $100 per person. Entry to the recently opened Hideaway Beach costs up to $89 per person. Nearby, an afternoon at the more luxurious Coco Beach Club could be shy of triple that cost.

Even the complimentary parts of the island have splurge-enticing amenities like rentable cabanas and snorkeling gear. And because there's no need to rely on other excursion operators, Celebrity's parent company gets to pocket more profits.

Most of Celebrity's 2024 cruises to CocoCay will be on two of its largest ships: the 3,849-guest Celebrity Beyond and 3,480-guest Celebrity Reflection. That's plenty of guests ready to spend big on the popular private island.

But that doesn't mean Celebrity cruisers will be fighting kids for beach chairs

It is possible to escape the hoards of families at Perfect Day at CocoCay. For example, the new Hideaway Beach is rowdy, boozy, and thankfully adult-only.

While not kid-free, on the other side of the island, the Oasis Lagoon pool has become the de facto hot spot for afternoon ragers "packed with intoxicated people having a really good time" on one end, and children on the other end, Bayley told reporters in late January.

If nothing else, at least there won't be any kids drinking at the island's more than 10 bars.

Watch: Inside the world's biggest cruise ship that just set sail

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

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The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.