cruise ship funny cruise memes

47 Funny Cruise Ship Memes – Best for 2024

If you’re looking for a good laugh, then look no further than these funny cruise ship memes. From the silly to the downright absurd, these memes will have you chuckling in no time.

We’ve scoured the internet for some of the funniest cruise memes out there, and we’re sure you’ll get a good laugh out of them or at least raise a smile.

I’ve tried to capture every funny side of cruising, including memes about needing a cruise through to cruise day, the onboard buffet food, and many more.

But first in case you didn’t already know.

So what’s a cruise ship meme?

A cruise ship meme is any funny or relatable image or video that’s been shared online, typically with a caption added. And when it comes to cruise ship memes, there’s no shortage of funny cruise ship pics.

Whether you’re a seasoned cruiser or someone who’s thinking about taking their first cruise, these memes will definitely resonate.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the funniest cruise ship memes out there.

Funny Cruise Memes

In case you are looking for a specific type of cruise meme relating to a specific cruise line or situation such as being a cruise addict or overindulging in the buffet we have split the memes into humor categories below.

Near the end, we group a random selection of the best and funniest cruise memes for you to enjoy before ending with memes that represent the feelings of disembarkation day.

Carnival Cruise Memes

Carnival Cruises are the best and some passengers are very loyal.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Cruise Industry Expert (@seadaytravel)

Disney Cruise Memes

Disney-inspired cruise memes are always popular.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Cruise Memes (@cruise.memes)

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Kingdom Konsultant Travel (@kingdomkonsultants)

Booze Cruise Memes

For some cruisers, it’s all about the boozing and the drinks package, cocktails, and having a very merry time on vacation.

I like this feeling:

Cruise Food and Buffet Memes

We all know how good and how much food is on offer onboard the cruise ship.

No matter what your intentions are before embarking, it usually doesn’t last long.

Its actually quite surprising how much weight can be put on in 7 days!

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Steve Jones (@stevejonesvacations)

Know this feeling, especially on the first visit to the buffet. The joy and excitement is real.

Let’s get fat together.

Withdrawal symptoms from the buffet start to set in.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by richard (@cruisewithrichard)

View this post on Instagram A post shared by GangwayEveryday (@gangwayeveryday)

Haha, when you get home.

It was only 7 days, made the most of it though.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Prof Cruise (@profcruise)

I Need a Cruise Memes

We spend a lot of time waiting for the next cruise.

Do you get this excited when booking a cruise is mentioned?

My kind of house in between cruises (I wish).

This is a great idea for the yard.

Funny and cute!

What kind of friend are they anyway if they go without you?

The days are long while waiting.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Cruise Pics and Tips (@cruisepicsandtips)

When the wait is too long and you’ve reached breaking point!

It’s all about prioritizing for the cruise budget.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by 𝗖𝗿𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗕𝗲 (@cruisebe)

Packing Cruise Memes

It’s all about the packing

How do you distinguish your luggage?

Anyone else do this? (I do!)

It’s Cruise Day Memes

You know that crazy happy feeling!

Love this one, watch the kid’s food fly! (Poor kid but at least smiling)

Going on a Cruise Memes

When the cruise is booked nothing can stop the smile when that happy feeling has set in.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Hajózásról Őszintén (@thecruisepics)

The cruise is booked, all is good.

Every time, never gets old.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Cruisin’ & Schmoozin’ w/Tony (@tonycarnival)

Screw everything and everyone.

So exciting.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Rick Stover (@rickstover1)

Size 7 day Cruise Memes

When it comes to happy birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s and Father’s day, some people only want to wear a size 7 day cruise!

What do you want to wear for Christmas?

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Bolsover Cruise Club (@bolsovercruise)

Another one but this time for Disney:

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Let’s Talk Dis (@letstalkdispodcast)

Cruise Addict Memes

Are you a cruise addict?

This is the dream:

View this post on Instagram A post shared by The Lido Lizard (@lido_lizard)

Best Random Funny Cruise Memes

Can you see it? 🙂

Is this you? Where am I exactly?

Cruise towels.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Helloworld Travel Naracoorte (@helloworldnaracoorte)

Yes, it’s a cruise cabin!

Is this you whenever you hear the word cruise.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Dave & Brandy’s Excursions (@daveandbrandys_excursions)

Love cruising meme.

Disembarkation Day Cruise Memes

All good things must come to end (until the next cruise).

No rush to leave the ship, or even the cabin.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by More Precious Than Gold (@morepreciousthangoldta)

Do you think we’d ever get away with it? Hide.

Know this feeling. Hard times.

Back home to chores.

More Funny Memes

If you are still looking for more funny cruising memes or image you might find some at these sources which our updated regularly:

Cruise Memes Facebook Groups – a great source and no wonder it has over 75,000 followers. They also post many of their memes on their Instagram page .

I hope these cruise memes made you laugh or gave you a few reasons to smile.

Which one was your favorite? Feel free to let me know.

Related Posts

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50 Funny Cruise Memes to Brighten up Your Day

• February 13, 2024
• Cruise Chuckles

Embarking on a cruise is an adventure filled with endless possibilities, from the majestic view of the ocean to the thrill of exploring new destinations. However, it’s the quirky and unexpected moments on board that often turn into the most memorable stories.

In our collection of 50 funny cruise memes, we dive into the lighter side of cruising, capturing those relatable experiences and humorous observations that anyone who’s set sail can appreciate.

What Is a ‘Meme’?

A ‘meme’ is a funny picture or video, usually captioned with text, that people share on the internet. It often has a humorous message and is spread from person to person online.

Memes can be jokes, social commentary, or just something silly to make people laugh. They’re a popular way for people to communicate and share their thoughts or feelings in a light-hearted way.

Cruise Obsession Memes

Cruise obsession memes often poke fun at how much people love going on cruises. Many people can relate to the anticipation of counting down the days until their next cruise adventure.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Rick Stover (@rickstover1)

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Cruise Memes (@cruise.memes)

View this post on Instagram A post shared by James (@cruisememes24)

Cruise Withdrawal Memes

All good things come to an end, and that includes cruises! Feeling the post-cruise blues is common, and cruise withdrawal memes capture this emotion with a smile. They remind us of the joy of cruising and the inevitable longing to return, poking fun at how everything else seems dull in comparison.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, many people were unable to cruise, which intensified their feelings longing and withdrawal. They found themselves reminiscing about past voyages and eagerly awaiting the day they could sail again.

Cruise Food Memes

From the endless buffets to gourmet dining at every turn, cruise food memes humorously capture the sheer abundance and variety of food offered on cruise ships. The memes also highlight how hard it is not to overeat while cruising, something that many people can relate to.

Cruise Drinks Memes

When it comes to cruise vacations, the allure of unlimited drink packages is often the highlight, sparking countless memes about the adventurous spirit (and potential consequences) of free-flowing cocktails at sea.

Cruise Weather Memes

Cruise weather memes humorously reflect the unpredictable nature of sea travel, especially when it comes to navigating through rough seas. These memes often capture the dramatic, sometimes exaggerated experiences of passengers and crew alike as they face the challenges posed by rough waters.

Cruise Struggles Memes

From battling for the last deck chair to navigating the many corridors of the ship on the first day, cruise struggle memes capture the lighter side of these common challenges. They offer a humorous reflection on the quirks and annoyances that come with the cruise experience.

Cruise Preparation Memes

When it comes to preparing for a cruise, the experience can be filled with a mix of excitement and anxiety. Cruise preparation memes capture the funny and relatable moments of getting ready or planning for a cruise.

Cruise Passenger Memes

Nothing says ‘cruise life’ quite like the early morning dash to claim a deck chair with a towel and a book you’ll pretend to read. Cruise passenger memes perfectly capture the behaviors of those on board in a way that we can all relate to, whether we’ve been on a cruise or not.

Cruise Photographer Memes

As anyone who’s set sail on a cruise knows, photographers are the unsung heroes of the high seas, always ready to freeze our best (and sometimes awkward) moments in time. Although the eagerness of cruise photographers to snap that perfect shot can sometimes mean they’re everywhere you turn, and not all photos are winners, sparking funny memes about them.

Cruise Disembarkation Memes

When a cruise ends, the toughest part isn’t packing; it’s having to say goodbye to the sea and the ship you’ve called home. Disembarkation memes capture these sad goodbyes and the struggle of getting up early to leave, in a funny way.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Steve Jones (@stevejonesvacations)

Other Funny Cruise Memes

Here are some other funny cruise memes that will make you smile:

Final Words

We hope that these memes have not only brought a smile to your face but also a wave of nostalgia for the unique experiences that cruising offers. You can check out more funny cruise memes on the ‘Cruise Memes’ Instagram and Facebook pages.

Related articles:

• Hilarious Cruise Puns to Brighten Your Day

Adam Stewart

Adam Stewart is the founder of Cruise Galore. He is a passionate traveler who loves cruising. Adam's goal is to enhance your cruising adventures with practical tips and insightful advice, making each of your journeys unforgettable.

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25 Funny-Relatable Cruise Memes and Cruise Jokes Revolving Cruise Travel

Embark on a laughter-filled voyage with our collection of cruise memes and jokes.

Whether you’re in for outright hilarity, honest truths, or a dose of delightful corniness, our selection captures the diverse humor of the cruise experience. From buffet fun to navigating cruise ship dilemmas, join us in celebrating the lighter side of cruise travel with these funny and relatable cruise memes and jokes.

Feel free to share our cruise memes and jokes with your friends. Don’t forget to tag us! Tell us your favorite cruise meme, cruise joke, or cruise pun in the comments.

Table of Contents

1. Formal Flip Flop Night

Me deciding which shoes to pack for a cruise: “But what if there’s a formal flip-flop night?”

2. Why did the banana go on a cruise?

Why did the banana go on a cruise? Because it wanted to slip into vacation mode.

3. Cruise Math is Hard

Choosing a drink package: Because adulting is hard, and so is math.

4. Trying all the Cruise Desserts

I’m going to eat healthy on this cruise. Also me… let me try all the desserts.

5. The Wardrobe Doesn’t Go as Planned

My cruise wardrobe plan vs. What I actually end up wearing.

Read more: Women’s Cruise Wear Guide

6. Why did the cruise ship break up with the ocean?

Why did the cruise ship break up with the ocean? It needed space.

7. Fairy Godmother On Formal Night

When your fairy godmother shows up for formal night.

8. Cruise o’Clock Meme

The only countdown that matters: Cruise o’clock!

9. Cruise Sea Days and Lounge Chairs

Finding a lounge chair on a cruise sea day: Mission Impossible!

10. What did the ocean say to the cruise ship?

What did the ocean say to the cruise ship? Nothing, it just waved.

11. More Time Eating Than Exploring

When you’ve spent more time eating than exploring the ports.

12. Cruise Elevators

The real test of patience on a cruise: elevators.

Cruise Tip: Always take the stairs.

13. 3 Rules of Cruising

Rule 1: Don’t ask someone their real age; we’re all forever 29 on the Lido Deck. Rule 2: No calorie counting. Calories don’t count at sea, right? Rule 3: If someone drops their ice cream cone, we all pretend it never happened. Sea mishaps are classified under ‘Ship Happens.’

14. Packing for a Cruise Like a Tetris Champion

Me when it’s time to pack for a cruise: Pretending I’m a Tetris champion with my suitcase. It must all fit!

Read more: Cruise Items to Pack for a Cruise

15. Take Advantage Of The Drink Package

Taking advantage of that drink package. “Another one, please!”

16. Watching the Cruise Countdown

When the cruise countdown is still in the triple digits… then hits the double digits and finally the single digits!

17. Money Can Buy Happiness

Money can buy happiness. It’s called a cruise.

18. Studying Cruise Deck Maps

Studying the cruise deck maps like it’s a treasure map. Buffet, I’m coming for you!

19. Cocktail to Order Next

On a Cruise: The only decision I want to make is which cocktail to order next.

20. Reading Turns Into Dancing By The Pool

Me on a cruise: I’m going to read a book by the pool Also, me, when the DJ plays my favorite song: Get’s up to dance, “Oh, that’s my song!”

21. What’s a cruise ship’s favorite kind of music?

What’s a cruise ship’s favorite kind of music? Rock and roll!

22. Waking Up Early For A Day At Port

Waking for a day at work: Hitting snooze like it’s my job. Waking up for a day at port.

23. Expert at the Cruise Spa

Cruise Spa Level: Expert. Because relaxation is a sport, and I’m going for the gold.

24. What to Get Me For My Birthday

In case you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday… I’m a size 7-night Caribbean Cruise.

25. Daydreaming About 5 to 9

Guess which one I’m daydreaming about? 9 to 5 (work) or 5 to 9 (on vacation)

BEFORE YOU SET SAIL, HERE ARE SOME RELATED ARTICLES YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS:

• Inspiring Cruise Quotes
• Foodie Travel Quotes

Meet Kathy Ava, a food, travel, and cruise writer based in Los Angeles/Pasadena, and the owner and main writer of Tasty Itinerary. With over 20 years of experience planning trips and logistics at her full-time job and for herself, she's become a pro at crafting unforgettable tasty itineraries. She's always on the hunt for delicious, fun travel destinations and cruise itineraries. She firmly believes that life is short and we must make the most of it, so always say yes to dessert.

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15 Cruise Memes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

L ooking for a good laugh? Do you miss going on cruises? If so, then you need to check out these cruise memes! These memes are sure to make you laugh out loud with their relatable humor that only those who have been on a cruise can appreciate. Here are some of our favorite cruise memes that will always make us laugh out loud.

1. Last Day of Cruise Meme

When you pack everything in your check-in luggage and forget to set aside the clothes you’ll need to disembark the cruise ship…

2. Cruise Buffet Meme

This is me every day after having lunch at the cruise buffet.

3. Cruise Beverage Package Meme

This is my cruise beverage package strategy.

4. Burning Calories at the Cruise Meme

You won’t find me at the gym. This is me burning off calories at the cruise.

5. Waiting for the Luggage on Embarkation Day Meme

The joy of reuniting with your luggage after cruise embarkation!

7. Separation Anxiety on the Last Night of your Cruise Meme

Me having separation anxiety with my check in luggage on the last night of the cruise. (You can find more cruise memes on our Cruise Facebook page .

8. Cruise Elevator Meme

Hunger Games: Cruise Ship Edition!

9. Cruise Formal Night Meme

Cruise Formal night: To Tuxedo or to Hawaiian Shirt?

10. Eating Healthy at the Cruise Meme

My cruise diet consists of bread, steak, shrimp cocktail, French onion soup, pizza, burgers, wine and lots of desserts!

11. Snacking at the Cruise Meme

I’ll just be at the buffet until dinner time.

12. Cruise Port Day Meme

When you’re finally back on the cruise ship after a long day at the port.

13. Oversleeping at the Cruise Meme

When you wake up at 10:01am and realize you missed the cruise breakfast buffet by one minute!

14. When Someone Says They Don’t Like to Cruise Meme

To the people who don’t like cruising- you’re missing out big time.

15. Cruise Ship Lounge Chair Meme

Good luck getting a lounge chair at the cruise ship pool on sea days.

If you want more cruise memes, subscribe to our newsletter and like our Cruise Facebook page .

Check out these free cruise printables

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The post 15 Cruise Memes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud appeared first on Suburbs 101 .

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Cruise Tips For Families & Single Cruisers

Things to Know Before You Cruise

Ahoy Matey! 27 Hilarious Cruise Jokes To Keep You Laughing ⚓️🤣

Ahoy mates! As someone who loves cruising, I know that it can be a time to relax, recharge, and have some fun. And what better way to have fun than with some hilarious cruise ship jokes?

I’ve compiled a list of 27 jokes that are sure to keep you laughing throughout your entire cruise. Whether you’re a first-time cruiser or a seasoned pro, there’s something for everyone in this list.

From family-friendly humor to adult-only jokes, from one-liners to funny stories, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh with these hilarious cruise ship jokes.

And who knows, you might even make some new friends by sharing a few of these jokes around the ship. So let’s set sail on a laughter-filled journey!

• The article contains 27 clean and funny cruise ship jokes, with subtopics including spring break, sunbathing, language classes, and more.
• The author mentions that most cruise ships have comedy shows on board, with options for family-friendly and adult comedy.
• The post may contain affiliate links, which could earn the author commission as an Amazon Associate.
• The author has extensive experience in the cruise industry and offers additional content on cruise ship memes, nautical greetings, and sea quotes.

Cruise Joke List

I have to say, I love how Mike Schimdt has compiled this list of 27 hilarious cruise ship jokes.

It’s great to see the wide variety of humor that can be found on a cruise ship, from the classic genie wish gone wrong to parrots spoiling magic tricks.

And of course, there’s the ever popular lost Rolex joke. It’s a testament to the creativity and humor of cruise ship entertainment and staff.

It’s also great to see that the jokes are clean and family-friendly, while still being funny and clever. It shows that you don’t need to rely on crude humor to get a laugh.

From the nervous cruiser to the scotch and water drinker, there’s something for everyone on this list. It’s a great reminder that humor is an important part of the cruise experience, and adds to the overall enjoyment of the trip.

Family-Friendly Humor

With so many family-friendly comedy shows available on cruise ships, it’s no wonder that parents and kids alike can enjoy a good laugh while sailing on the high seas. Whether it’s a stand-up comedian or a comedic magician, there’s something for everyone on board. Cruise ship activities don’t just involve swimming and sunbathing, there’s also a wide range of entertainment options that are perfect for families.

To emphasize the importance of family-friendly humor on cruise ships, here’s a table showcasing some of the best comedy shows available for families:

With so many options available, families can enjoy a variety of cruise ship entertainment that caters to their specific interests. Whether it’s a magic show, a comedy act, or a puppet show, there’s something for everyone. The best part is that these shows are all family-friendly, so parents can relax and enjoy the entertainment without having to worry about any inappropriate content. So, sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh on your next cruise vacation!

Adult-Only Humor

For those seeking a more mature sense of humor, adult-only comedy shows on cruise ships offer a chance to unwind and enjoy some naughty nautical and risqué routines.

These shows are typically held in the evenings, after the family-friendly shows have ended, and are designed for adults who want to let loose and have a good laugh.

The comedians performing in these shows are often more daring and edgier than their family-friendly counterparts, which makes for a night of laughter that you won’t soon forget.

Whether it’s poking fun at the cruise ship staff or sharing humorous stories about their own lives, these comedians know how to push the envelope and keep their audience laughing until their sides hurt.

So, if you’re looking for a night of adult-only humor while on your next cruise, be sure to check out the comedy shows and get ready to let loose and have some fun!

Spring Break Jokes

When planning for my spring break cruise, I can’t wait to share these clever and witty jokes with my friends and family.

The first joke about a genie and beer ocean wish is bound to get a good laugh out of everyone. Who wouldn’t want to wish for an endless supply of beer while cruising on the open sea?

But that’s not the only joke on the list that will have everyone chuckling. From jokes about nervous cruisers to sailors blowing their noses, there’s something for everyone.

And if you’re looking for a more family-friendly option, the castaway joke about a happy man on an island is sure to please.

So sit back, relax, and get ready to have a good laugh with these hilarious cruise jokes.

A genie grants a man three wishes, and he wishes for an endless supply of beer in the ocean.

A man stands on the deck playing cards and a gust of wind blows them away.

A castaway is finally rescued from a deserted island and is asked how he survived.

Castaway Jokes

I particularly enjoy the castaway jokes on the list, especially the one about the happy man who was rescued from the island. It made me laugh out loud imagining the sheer joy and relief he must have felt when he finally saw the rescue boat approaching. Speaking of happy islands, have you ever dreamt of being stranded on a beautiful tropical island with nothing to worry about but sipping piña coladas and sunbathing? Well, according to a recent survey, 75% of Americans have.

To help you visualize this dream scenario, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine yourself lying on a white sandy beach, with crystal clear turquoise water on one side and a lush green jungle on the other. You’re holding a colorful drink with a little umbrella in one hand, and a parrot is perched on the other, doing tricks for your entertainment. Ah, the sweet taste of freedom! But let’s be real, we all know that being stranded on an island would also come with its own set of challenges. Just take a look at this table:

All things considered, I think I’ll stick to daydreaming about island adventures and leave the castaway jokes to the comedians. Speaking of which, did you hear about the magician and his parrot? Let’s just say, the bird had a few tricks up its sleeve that the audience wasn’t expecting.

Ship Sinking Jokes

My mind meanders to the morbid as I muse about the mishaps that may materialize when ships sink. But leave it to cruise ship comedians to turn a harrowing event into a humorous one.

I recall a joke where a cruise ship sinks, and passengers escape on lifeboats. Two bankers are the only survivors, and one makes a business joke. It’s a witty take on a scary scenario, and it’s the kind of humor that makes light of a situation and alleviates fear.

On a more serious note, when a ship sinks, the captain makes announcements to keep passengers informed and calm. It’s a crucial role, and one that requires both leadership and compassion.

But in today’s modern era, it’s not just safety and communication that are evolving on cruise ships. The latest trend is installing trampolines for guests to bounce around on the high seas. Who knew that bouncing on a trampoline could be a fun way to pass the time on a sinking ship? I suppose it’s one way to stay afloat, both literally and figuratively.

Cabin Steward Jokes

As a frequent cruiser, I always look forward to the cabin steward jokes that are often shared during the family-friendly comedy shows on board.

One of my favorite jokes involves the cabin steward making the bed in the middle of the night while the passengers are sleeping. The punchline goes something like this: "I never knew someone could make a bed while I was still in it!"It’s a classic joke that never fails to get a laugh from the audience.

Another popular cabin steward joke involves cleaning pranks. The comedian tells a story about a passenger who left a note on the bathroom mirror asking the steward to clean it. The next day, the passenger found a note on the mirror that read, "I cleaned the mirror, but I couldn’t find your face!"

And let’s not forget the bedtime stories that some cabin stewards like to tell. One comedian joked about how his cabin steward told him a bedtime story about a cruise ship that sank, causing him to have nightmares for the rest of the trip.

These types of jokes add a fun element to the cruise experience and keep passengers entertained throughout their trip.

One-Liner Jokes

Feeling in need of a good laugh? These one-liner jokes are sure to tickle your funny bone on your next cruise adventure.

Whether you’re looking for a family-friendly joke or something a bit more adult, these quick quips are perfect for sharing with your fellow shipmates. So, without further ado, here are four one-liner cruise jokes to keep you chuckling:

‘Why did the pirate take a parrot on his cruise? For the arrrrrrrrguments!’

‘I took a language class on my last cruise. Let’s just say, I still don’t know how to ask for directions to the bathroom.’

‘Why did the magician bring a parrot on stage? To make his tricks more a-PECK-ting!’

‘I tried to book a small ship for my next cruise, but they said it was too premature to make a reservation.’

These jokes are sure to have you and your fellow passengers laughing out loud. Whether you’re lounging by the pool or taking in a comedy show, these one-liners are the perfect way to lighten the mood and enjoy your time at sea.

So, why not share a joke or two with your shipmates and see who can come up with the funniest punchline? After all, laughter’s the best medicine, even on a cruise ship!

What are the latest cruise deals available for booking?

I just booked a cruise and found amazing deals on popular cruise lines! From luxurious spas and gourmet dining to thrilling water slides and Broadway shows, cruise ship amenities are unbeatable. Can’t wait to set sail and feel the freedom of the open sea!

How can readers book tickets for comedy shows on board cruise ships?

Booking tickets for comedy shows on board cruise ships is easy. Simply check the ship’s schedule for show times and visit the onboard box office to purchase tickets. Pricing options vary, but there are usually family-friendly and adult-only shows available.

Can readers share their own cruise jokes or memes with the author’s email list?

Hey there! I love a good cruise joke as much as the next person, but let’s talk about reader participation. Have you ever shared your own hilarious cruise experience or meme with the author’s email list? It’s a great way to connect and share laughs!

What are some popular cruise ship destinations that the author recommends?

When it comes to the best cruise destinations for families, the Caribbean and Mediterranean are top picks. The Caribbean offers beautiful beaches and tropical weather, while the Mediterranean has rich history and culture. Both offer a sense of freedom and adventure.

Are there any safety measures in place on cruise ships to prevent ship sinkings or accidents?

Cruise safety measures are taken seriously onboard. Emergency protocols are in place, including lifeboats, evacuation drills, and GPS tracking systems. It’s like being a captain of your own ship, with backup plans for any situation.

Tagged: funny cruise memes

Cruise Humor / Cruising / General

May 20, 2020

 by Prof. Cruise · Published May 20, 2020 · Last modified June 6, 2021

The 30 BEST Cruise Memes

I’m not sure the highlighted portion of the above title would pass a lie detector test: “BEST cruise memes? That’s a lie!” But creating dozens of cruise memes has served as a poor – but better than growing my own sourdough starter or busting a hip trying to out-dance my...

About Prof. Cruise

Given name Sarah, but also answers to Prof. Cruise. Retired after 10 years as a college professor to focus full-time on her primary research interest: travel. With a concentration in cruising.  Home port: Seattle.  Mom of a shaggy-haired dog and a shaggy-haired human.  Lover of books and dessert.  Fancies herself a bit of a comedian – you’ve been warned.

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Cruise ships are like floating cities where the buildings can’t exceed a few decks and the population is temporarily united by a mutual love of buffet lines and questionable karaoke choices. These nautical behemoths whisk away passengers to exotic destinations, offering a smorgasbord of activities that you probably wouldn’t try at home—like salsa dancing with someone who can’t find the beat, or art auctions where you pretend to understand the difference between a Monet and a mojito. It’s a place where you can wake up to the sound of waves, the sight of an endless horizon, and the gentle reminder that yes, you did indeed sing “My Heart Will Go On” last night… and there’s video proof.

Delving into the briny depths of cruise ship jokes, we find a treasure trove of humor as vast as the ocean itself. Here, you might encounter quips about the eternal quest to locate your stateroom in the labyrinthine corridors that all look suspiciously identical—rumor has it that even the captain uses breadcrumbs. Or jests about the poolside loungers, who stake their claim at dawn with towels and a determination that would impress a conquistador. From the perils of a rogue wave splashing your formal wear to the joy of discovering that “all-inclusive” extends to the soft-serve ice cream machine, cruise ship comedy is about navigating the choppy waters of vacation quirks with a lifejacket of laughter snugly fastened.

Best Cruise Jokes

What do you call a cruise full of college graduates? A Scholar-ship.

Yo mama so old, her first cruise was on Noah’s Ark.

Did you hear about the husband and wife who are banned from cruise ships? After that whole poop deck misunderstanding they had.

What does Joseph say to his wife when they go on a cruise? “It’s marytime!”

What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships? Leeks.

What do you call a ship full of male cats? Tom Cruise.

What do you call a cruise ship filled with skilled artisans? Great Craftsman Ship.

Where do sick cruise ships go to get healthy? The dock.

Did you hear about the woman who fell off the cruise ship? She has been named Eileen Dover.

Yo mama so old, she once cold called Christopher Columbus and sold him a cruise to America

Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean. He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks.

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists? A Freudian ship.

Did you hear that the flat-earth cruise to Antarctica is canceled? It’s disappointing, but not the end of the world.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

Did you hear about the comedian who performs exclusively on this cruise ship? He specializes in one-liners.

What do you call family reunion on a cruise?? A relation-ship!

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Did you hear about the red cruise ship and blue cruise ship that collided in the Caribbean? The survivors were marooned.

What do you call a cruise ship full of chicken? All Hens on deck!

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

What’s it like working on a cruise ship? It has it’s ups and downs.

What do you call a boat of partying zombies? An ooze cruise.

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea. The people on the ship manage to escape on lifeboats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him, “How far is the closest land?”The captain answers, “3 km.” The woman says after, “In which direction?” To which the captain replied, “Down!”

Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.

What do you call a cruise director with a broken arm? A shore thing.

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES – $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him into the river. Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign, and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him into the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?” The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”

Why don’t secrets ever stay secret on a cruise ship? Because even the waves spill the beans!

What’s a cruise ship’s favorite meal? Ship and dip!

What kind of music do cruise ships like? Anything with a good anchor beat.

Why did the cruise ship start a diet? It had too much cargo on board!

Two Jewish bankers escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can’t swim, says, ” I’m going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?” The second Jewish banker says, “How could you talk business at a time like this?”

Why don’t cruise ships get lonely? Because they’re always full of buoys and gulls!

Why did the cruise ship feel stressed? It was under a lot of pier pressure.

How do you make a cruise ship smile? Give it a little berth.

What’s a pirate’s least favorite thing about a luxury cruise? No plank walking!

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship when it starts to sink. As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision. The rabbi says, “We must save the children!” The lawyer says, “No, screw the children!” Then the priest says, “Do we really have time to screw the children?”

What do you call a cruise ship where the crew won’t stop masturbating in front of passengers? A tugboat.

What do you call a gay cruise? A hardship.

Why was the computer cold on the cruise? It left its Windows open.

An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives? The flambuoyants.

Recommended : Train Jokes

What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship? “Please bring me the passenger list.”

Why was the cruise full of penises and potatoes not popular? It was actually a dick tater ship.

Why don’t black people go on cruise ships? Because they’re not falling for that one again.

Do you have a funny cruise ship joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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3 thoughts on “50 Funny Cruise Jokes And Puns for Buoyant Mood on Board”

My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take. I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

I knew everyone on my cruise, guess it was a pretty good relation-ship!

What do you call an AV company specializing in Christian cruises? Cruise-effects.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

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