the journey of grief part 1

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The Journey Through Grief

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Helping Hurting People

Are you grieving the death of a loved one or someone close to you.

• …need someone to share the feelings of your loss
• …need comfort and encouragement
• …need to rebuild your life
• …need to know God loves and cares about you

Need someone to share the feelings of your loss

Need comfort and encouragement, need to rebuild your life, need to know god loves and cares about you, maybe we can be of some help. we are a support group that meets:.

Monday Evenings (7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.)

GriefShare consists of 13 weekly sessions that are virtual. Each week is self-contained and you may start at any time .

GriefShare consists of 13 weekly sessions. Each week is self-contained, and you may start at anytime and complete the topics missed during the next series of meetings.

Please check back for our upcoming schedule.

MEETINGS ARE OPEN TO EVERYONE

Follow the link to register: register for further information, call (973) 783-1010.

session topics

If you've lost a spouse, child, family member, or friend, you've probably found there are not many people who understand the deep hurt you feel.  GriefShare is a friendly, caring group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

We are considering offering a Griefshare Support Group at Good Shepherd on Monday nights this summer beginning June 5th at 6:30pm.  If you are interested, please indicate that on the form.

If you are currently interested in GriefShare, our sister church hosts this program at this link .

IS THIS NORMAL?

-Why their grief experience is harder than they imagined.

-Why the intensity and duration of their emotions are normal and appropriate.

-Despite how they feel right now, there is reason for hope.

CHALLENGES OF GRIEF

-More eye-opening reasons why their pain is so overwhelming.

-Some of the overlooked, yet common, effects grief has on their mind, body, and spirit.

-How to get things done when they don't feel like they have any energy.

THE JOURNEY OF GRIEF - PART 1

-Helpful goals to set on their journey of grief.

-How to deal with those who try to rush them through their grief.

-How long the journey of grief typically lasts.

THE JOURNEY OF GRIEF - PART 2

-Why it's important to put effort into their healing.

-How the events surrounding their loved one's death affect their grief.

-The best ways to deal with their loved one's belongings.

GRIEF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

-How the death of a loved one affects their friendships.

-Why solitude can be a blessing and a curse.

-How to deal with friends who don't understand their grief.

-God wants them to share their feelings with Him.

-Why being honest with God is an expression of faith.

-What God has to say to them about their "why" questions.

GUILT AND ANGER

-How to deal with false guilt.

-How to grieve conflicted relationships.

-How to handle grief-related anger.

COMPLICATING FACTORS

-How traumatic experiences affect grief.

-How to deal with nightmares and flashbacks.

-How their thinking affects their emotions.

-How to prevent getting stuck in grief.

-Common misconceptions that hinder healing.

-Why their path to healing isn't always smooth.

LESSONS OF GRIEF - PART 1

-An often-overlooked reason that grief is so painful.

-Why going to church can be so difficult.

-The benefits of helping others.

LESSONS OF GRIEF - PART 2

-Who they are now that their loved one is gone.

-Why no one grieves perfectly.

-What grief can teach them about relationships.

-What heaven is like.

-Whether the should communicate with their deceased loved one.

-Whether near-death experiences are reliable descriptions of heaven.

-More answers to their questions about heaven.

WHAT DO I LIVE FOR NOW?

-Why moving forward is a necessity.

-Why it's a process.

-Why peace and pain will always coexist.

Book Reviews

Global bc sites.

Canadian Biblical Counseling Coalition https://biblicalcounselingcanada.ca/

BCC Mexico https://www.consejero.org/

Brazilian Association of Biblical Counselors http://abcb.org.br/

Biblical Counseling UK https://www.biblicalcounselling.org.uk/

Network of Biblical Soulcare Germany https://biblischeseelsorge.org/en/

Growth Counselling Institute https://growthcounselling.nz/

Taking the journey of grief with hope – part 1.

•   November 3, 2011

STEP 1: PREPARE yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to face your suffering.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr ([email protected]), office administrator over counseling.

About the Author

Brad Hambrick

Brad serves as the Pastor of Counseling at  The Summit Church  in  Durham, NC. He also serves as Assistant Professor of Biblical Counseling at  Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary , a council member of the  Biblical Counseling Coalition , has authored several books including  God’s Attributes: Rest for Life’s Struggles ,  and served as general editor for the  Becoming a Church that Cares Well for the Abused  ( churchcares.com ) project.

Recent Posts by Brad Hambrick:

• Partiality: Not a Victimless Sin — February 2, 2024
• Three Life Cycles of Group-Based Counseling — August 14, 2023
• Roles Determine Rules: Exploring the Relationship between Counseling Ethics and Formality of Care — July 17, 2023

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• Your Journey Through Grief

Grief is a journey unlike any other. It’s a winding path filled with unexpected twists and turns, highs and lows, and moments of both despair and hope. Each person’s journey through grief is unique, shaped by the nature of their loss, their individual coping mechanisms, and the support systems they have in place. There are many different pathways one may encounter, and how navigating them can lead to healing and transformation.

Shock and Denial: The journey of grief often begins with a sense of shock and disbelief. When faced with a significant loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life change, it can be difficult to accept the reality of what has happened. Denial may serve as a protective mechanism, allowing us to process the loss gradually, as we come to terms with the new reality. Anger and Guilt: As the shock begins to wear off, grief can give way to intense emotions such as anger and guilt. We may find ourselves questioning why the loss occurred, directing our anger towards others, ourselves, or even the universe. Guilt often accompanies these feelings, as we replay past actions or words and wonder if we could have done things differently. It’s important to recognize that these emotions are a natural part of the grieving process and to allow ourselves to feel them without judgment. Bargaining and Depression: In an attempt to regain control or make sense of the loss, we may enter a phase of bargaining. This can involve making deals with a higher power, seeking ways to reverse the loss, or attempting to negotiate a different outcome. However, when these efforts prove futile, they can lead to feelings of helplessness and despair, marking the onset of depression. During this phase, it’s crucial to seek support from loved ones or mental health professionals who can provide comfort and guidance. Acceptance and Reconstruction: As we move through the depths of grief, we gradually come to accept the reality of our loss. Acceptance does not mean forgetting or moving on from the person or thing we have lost, but rather integrating the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to continue living with purpose and meaning. This phase marks the beginning of reconstruction, as we rebuild our sense of self and identity in the wake of the loss. It involves finding new ways of coping, rediscovering joy and meaning, and moving forward with hope for the future.

About  Pam Williams

Pam was born and raised in Texas and is the oldest of her siblings. She has worked in education for over 15 years with the last two being a graphic design instructor.

In the spring of 2011, with both of them almost 41, lots of baggage between the two (which fondly became known as “the luggage”, Pam met her husband and soulmate Glenn and soon after they began to merge their families. The wonderful journey began but everyone always knew it had been destined.

Pam is a mom and bonus mom to five adult children (plus two wonderful son in laws), a grammy to five adventure seeking grands , and widow after Glenn passed away due to complications of a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019.

Pam has often blogged, journaled, and spoke about all of the joys, ups and downs, and adventures of their life and has been encouraged by many to actually share with the world. She has begun a personal blog and soon will be publishing for all to enjoy.

Pam Williams

Pam was born and raised in Texas and is the oldest of her siblings. She has worked in education for over 15 years with the last two being a graphic design instructor. In the spring of 2011, with both of them almost 41, lots of baggage between the two (which fondly became known as “the luggage”, Pam met her husband and soulmate Glenn and soon after they began to merge their families. The wonderful journey began but everyone always knew it had been destined. Pam is a mom and bonus mom to five adult children (plus two wonderful son in laws), a grammy to five adventure seeking grands , and widow after Glenn passed away due to complications of a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019. Pam has often blogged, journaled, and spoke about all of the joys, ups and downs, and adventures of their life and has been encouraged by many to actually share with the world. She has begun a personal blog and soon will be publishing for all to enjoy.

All Posts by Pam Williams

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There Will Never Be Another You

I Grieve For You

Navigating the Journey: A Guide to Grief Support

Losing a loved one is an immensely challenging and emotional experience. The journey through grief can feel overwhelming, confusing, and isolating. During such times, seeking and utilizing appropriate grief support becomes crucial. This comprehensive guide aims to provide valuable insights and practical strategies for navigating the complex landscape of grief, helping individuals find comfort, healing, and resilience throughout their grieving process.

Understanding Grief:

Grief is a natural response to loss, encompassing a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. It is important to recognize that grief is a unique and individual experience, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. However, understanding the common stages of grief can provide a sense of direction and validation. The well-known Kübler-Ross model identifies five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While individuals may not experience these stages linearly, this model offers a framework for understanding the emotional journey of grief.

The Importance of Grief Support:

Grief support plays a pivotal role in helping individuals navigate the challenges of loss. It provides a safe space to express emotions, share stories, and connect with others who have experienced similar journeys. Whether through professional counseling, support groups, or online communities, grief support offers validation, empathy, and practical guidance, fostering a sense of belonging and understanding during a time of profound vulnerability.

Types of Grief Support:

Grief Counseling: Professional grief counselors provide a structured and therapeutic environment to explore emotions, develop coping strategies, and process the loss. These sessions offer personalized support tailored to individual needs, assisting in healing and promoting emotional well-being.

Support Groups: Joining a grief support group allows individuals to connect with others who have experienced similar losses. These groups offer a supportive network, a platform for sharing stories, and an opportunity to learn from others' experiences. Sharing grief in a group setting can provide comfort and reassurance, reducing feelings of isolation.

Online Communities: With the advent of technology, online grief support communities have become increasingly popular. These platforms provide accessible and convenient avenues for individuals to connect, share, and seek support from the comfort of their homes. Online forums, chat rooms, and social media groups offer a sense of community and anonymity for those who may prefer or require online interactions.

Self-Care Strategies for Grief:

While external support is invaluable, self-care is equally essential in navigating the journey of grief. Here are some strategies to promote emotional well-being during this challenging time:

Prioritize Self-Compassion : Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Acknowledge that grief is a complex process and allow yourself to feel and express emotions without judgment.

Maintain Physical Health: Engage in regular exercise, prioritize sleep, and eat nourishing meals. Taking care of your physical health can positively impact your emotional well-being.

Seek Solace in Nature: Spending time outdoors, connecting with nature, and engaging in activities like walking, gardening, or simply sitting in a park can provide a sense of peace and renewal.

Expressive Therapies : Explore creative outlets such as writing, painting, music, or journaling. These activities can help process emotions and provide a channel for self-expression.

Establish Rituals: Creating meaningful rituals or ceremonies to honor the memory of your loved one can bring comfort and a sense of connection. Lighting a candle, planting a tree, or keeping a memory box can provide a tangible way to remember and cherish their presence.

Coping Strategies for Grief:

Grief can be overwhelming at times, and coping strategies can provide support during difficult moments. Consider the following coping strategies:

Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness and meditation techniques can

help individuals stay present, manage overwhelming emotions, and find moments of calm amidst the storm of grief. These practices encourage self-reflection and self-awareness, allowing for a deeper understanding of one's emotions and thoughts.

Healthy Communication: Openly communicate with trusted friends, family members, or professionals about your grief journey. Expressing your feelings, fears, and challenges can alleviate the burden and create opportunities for support and guidance.

Establish Boundaries: Understand your limits and communicate them to others. Grief can be exhausting, both physically and emotionally. It's essential to prioritize self-care and set boundaries to protect your well-being.

Seek Professional Help: If grief becomes overwhelming or starts interfering with daily life, seeking professional help from therapists or counselors specializing in grief can provide additional support and guidance.

Practice Self-Reflection: Take time for self-reflection and introspection. Consider journaling, meditation, or engaging in activities that promote self-awareness. Reflecting on your emotions, thoughts, and experiences can help foster personal growth and facilitate the healing process.

Moving Forward:

The journey of grief is unique to each individual, and there is no predetermined timeline for healing. It's important to remember that healing does not mean forgetting or letting go of the love and memories shared with the departed. Instead, it involves finding ways to integrate the loss into one's life and move forward with resilience and a renewed sense of purpose.

As you navigate the grief journey, be patient and compassionate with yourself. Surround yourself with understanding and supportive individuals who can provide comfort and encouragement. Remember that grief support is not a one-time solution but an ongoing process. It's okay to seek support even months or years after the loss.

Navigating the journey of grief requires courage, resilience, and support. By understanding the nature of grief, seeking appropriate grief support, practicing self-care strategies, and utilizing coping mechanisms, individuals can find comfort, healing, and strength along their unique path. Remember, you are not alone in your grief, and there are resources and communities available to help you navigate the challenges and find hope in the midst of loss.

Are you or a loved one in need of Grief and loss support? If you're seeking a compassionate and comprehensive program to navigate your grief journey, we invite you to explore our transformative Grief Loss Membership program at Sustainable Caring.

Recent Posts

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GriefShare Support Group - The Journey of Grief/Part 1

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The Journey of Grief – Part One: You’ll learn helpful goals to set on your journey of grief. How to deal with those who try to rush you through your grief. How long the journey of grief typically lasts.

You don't have to go through this process alone. Let's walk alongside each other on Thursdays from 1 PM - 3 PM. No need to register. You are welcome to begin attending the GriefShare group at any session. Each is “self-contained,” so you do not have to attend in sequence. You will find encouragement and help whenever you begin.

When: Thursdays from 1 - 3 PM * Meet in Room 12 * 3255 Saline-Waterworks Road in Saline

To find out more about GriefShare, visit: griefshare.org

Signup for the GriefShare daily emails at https://www.griefshare.org/dailyemails

Questions on our GriefShare meeting: 734-429-9200

Christ Our King Lutheran Church 3255 Saline-Waterworks Road Room 12 Saline , MI 48176 United States

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Finding Joy on the Journey of Grief

Gratitude and humility are the best ways to deal with our losses.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.  I am not afraid, but I’m experiencing the sensation of being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”

“At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

This is how C.S. Lewis begins his little book, A Grief Observed, which tells his own story of grief after he lost his wife Joy Davidman to cancer in 1960.” [1] Lewis’ book was one of the books I read this past year as a part of my own grief work in the wake of my late wife Lorie’s death on Wednesday, November 2, 2016. I knew I needed help to give voice to all that I was experiencing, and Lewis, among several others, helped me identify and express all the pain I was going through during this very difficult time. 

But Lewis, and the others who wrote books I read or whom I met personally, also provided me hope that with God’s help I could get through it, and that, in fact, I could even grow deeper as a result of my journey though grief. They were right. I have learned that with Christ you can develop resilience and learn how not only to bounce back after significant loss but actually bounce forward.  

I want to invite you into my personal story of grief this past year, and share with you some of the lessons I have learned along the way. This is not to say, “Hey, look at me! I’ve got it all together now,” because I do not. Instead, what I share with you is intended to invite you into my journey as a fellow struggler in Christ who has experienced deep loss and has tried to make sense of it all. Most days I simply put one foot in front of the other and tried to do the next right thing.   

I pray that God might speak to you through what I share because, as my friend, Craig Barnes, says in his book, When God Interrupts, “We all just keep losing things: wives, husbands, friends, health, the dreams and security of the past.  Nothing stays the way it was.” [2]  

If you are not dealing now with grief over someone or  something you lost, chances are you probably will, and it may be sooner than you think. 

The Process of Grief

I have a picture taken of Lorie and me at Montreat in late September 2016 during our congregation’s fall church retreat. We are sitting in rocking chairs by the dam at Lake Susan. It was a beautiful day. Listening to the water falling down was so pleasant and soothing. Looking at this picture of Lorie, you would never know how sick she was. It is difficult to imagine that just five weeks later she would be dead. 

I began to grieve losing Lorie the day we learned she had cancer in January 2015. There is no cure for multiple myeloma, and I knew that barring a miracle of God or a major medical breakthrough I would eventually lose her at some point. I can remember driving down Robinhood Road the day after we learned the sad news, and I was crying so hard I could hardly see the road. I kept calling out to God, and I asked Him to be with us. And He was every step of the way.

However, when Lorie actually died almost two years later, I entered a new phase of my grief process.  Actually, it involved a number of phases in this new season of grief.  No matter how long a person has been ill and you know that eventually they are going to die, when it actually happens the world changes all of a sudden. And you are left with the sobering reality that they are never coming back.

John Claypool wrote a wonderful book entitled Tracks of a Fellow Struggler, and it gave expression to the experience I had in the days following Lorie’s death.  He explained how the process of grief parallels the story of Job in the Bible, and I want to share with you some of his insights. [3]

John says the first phase of grief is numb shock . He sees this phase of grief in the story of Job when his three friends come after his many losses, and they simply sit together in silence for seven days. It is hard to get your head around it all, and sometimes you walk around in a daze not really able to make sense of anything. 

Shortly after Lorie died, someone asked me how I was doing. I told them that I felt like I had fallen into an unknown country where I did not speak the language, and I could not find any landforms to help me get my bearings or my sense of direction. All I knew to do is to put one foot in front of the other and try to take the next step. That is the numb shock Claypool writes about. Maybe you have been there before. Maybe you are right there now.

The second phase in the process of grief, Claypool says, is despair . This is when Job says that he wished he had never been born, and he is in utter despair at the thought of going on. Thoughts of suicide sometimes enter in, and you just want your life to be over and to go and be with your loved one in heaven. Last winter there were many times when I was convinced my best days were behind me, and my future was going to be an awful one. I just wanted to go to heaven and be with Lorie. Have you ever felt like that?

The third phase in the process of grief is nostalgia.   Claypool observed that Job looked back and remembered the good old days when his children were alive, his possessions were intact, and he had the esteem of the community. I cannot tell you how many times I said out loud to God this past year, “I just want her back. I just want Lorie back.” I would look at old photographs of happy days when the kids were growing up. Lorie looked so young and happy and vital. And I would just cry and cry as I remembered how good our life had been together.

Next in the Book of Job, Claypool observed a fourth phase in the process of grief, and it is the phase of anger when we want some answers from God . Job wanted an audience with God, and he felt like the Lord had some explaining to do. Job got his audience with God, but it was more than Job bargained for.   

Many times this past year I asked God, “Why?” I wanted an explanation of my own. Why did Lorie have to die now, just when her grandchildren were getting to know her, just when she was doing so much good with Samaritan’s Purse? We had so many plans, so many things we wanted to do together. Why now? Why Lorie? 

God never answered my questions, just as He never answered Job’s. And often I just sat in the silence wondering. I read many good books, which helped me make sense of the not knowing, but I never really got the answers I was looking for. However, what I discovered God gave me was so much more important and valuable than answers. In the midst of all the questions, I realized that God had given me Himself. He gave me Jesus. And that has been the sweetest part of this journey––to discover when all you have left is God, He is enough. 

There was a moment in my journey when I found myself in this place of anger and questioning, and in the midst of my sadness and confusion I remembered the passage where Jesus asked His disciples if they were going to abandon Him because some of His other disciples stopped following Christ when Jesus’ teaching got tough and demanding. But Peter said, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (Jn. 6:68).   I have actually said those words out loud to the Lord several times this past year. And I have found that when Jesus is all that you have, He really is enough.

The fifth and final stage, Claypool, says is key if we are ever going to make progress in our journey of grief, and this phase involves gratitude and hope . Instead of being resentful over what you lost and regret what you no longer have, you have to press on to discover what you can be grateful for, grateful for what you had for as long as you had it. 

God reminded Job that everything he had been so indignant about losing never really belonged to him in the first place. They were gifts, and they were beyond his deserving. To be angry because a gift has been taken away is to miss the whole point of life. Gratitude and humility are the best ways to deal with our losses. And if you cannot find your way to gratitude, Claypool says, you are going to get stuck in your grief. I believe he is right. 

In his book Claypool offers a story to illustrate what he is talking about. He says that when he was a boy he grew up during World War II, and during the war his neighbor enlisted in the Army and headed off to join the troops. But before he did, the neighbor asked John’s parents if he could store his furniture, which included a washing machine, in their basement. John’s parents said, “Sure,” so the neighbor moved his things over, and he said they could use the washing machine while he was gone. 

John loved that old-timey washing machine with all the rollers and the fancy machinery. Washing machines were rare back then, and since John helped with washing the clothes as one of his family chores, it really made his job a lot easier. 

Well, three years later the neighbor returned home from the war, and he took all of his furniture back, including the washing machine. John was so upset, and he complained bitterly to his mother. “Why did he have to take the washing machine back?” he cried. 

John’s mother replied, “John, it never belonged to us.  It was always a gift. And we shouldn’t complain that we no longer have it. We should be grateful that it ever came to us in the first place.”

Reading this story was a breakthrough for me, and I was able to change my perspective from one of resentment over what I lost in Lorie’s death to one of gratitude that I was ever married to her in the first place. Most people do not get to experience what she and I did for as long as we did––38 years. This change in perspective literally transformed my life.

There is another aspect of this phase or stage of grief.  When you move on to gratitude, you discover that God also gives you the gift of hope . And it is a hope that expresses itself in two ways: the hope of heaven; and the hope of a future here on earth. 

At the end of the Book of Job, the patriarch says, “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that after this body has decayed I will still see God” (Job 19:25, 26). I do not think I have ever thought as much about heaven as I have this past year, and I also do not think it has ever meant as much to me as it does now. The hope of heaven has provided immeasurable comfort to me as I think about all that Lorie is enjoying right now in the arms of Jesus and all the glories she is experiencing in the presence of God. Death is a reality we are all going to face one day, and the more work you and I do here on earth to prepare ourselves for heaven, the more ready we will be when that day comes. 

The second aspect of hope that comes as a result of growing in gratitude is the hope of a future . God made it clear to Job that God had not been defeated by the events of the past, and the Lord was still able to give meaning to Job’s life. In other words, apart from all appearances, Job still had a future because God had a future for Job. And the rest of the book of Job begins to detail what that future was all about.        

I shared with you earlier that I had some dark days last winter after Lorie died when I felt like my best days were behind me. I do not believe that anymore. I have come to realize that I have so much to live for in my children and my grandchildren, and I have never been more excited about our ministry here at First Presbyterian Church than I am now. In addition, the year after Lori died I invited a young man who is part of the Winston-Salem Fellows Program in our city to live with me for the year. Patrick has been such a Godsend for me, and I think I have been for him too. It’s been one of the most unexpected blessings of the year so far. And I do not think I would have ever invited a Fellow to live with me if Lorie had not died. 

A few weeks after Lorie passed away, a friend wrote to me an email, and in it he said: “I look forward to seeing God’s assignment for you, Peter, but I know that it may well be unlike anything you’ve anticipated.  Such is the nature of God.”     

My friend is right, and I have come to a place where I am excited about the new adventure God has for me. I do not know all of what it entails, but I believe by faith that it is going to be a good one. Make no mistake, I still miss Lorie every single day, and I wish she were still alive. Recently I cried more than I expected I would a year after her passing. But I have also come to a place where I can accept and trust that it was Lorie’s time to go, and God has a bigger plan than I can ever imagine or understand––for Lorie and for me. And I want to lean into my future knowing that God is already there, waiting for me. He loves us and He wants the best for us.

In the following passage, the apostle Paul writes to the Christians in Thessalonica, “We do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of humanity, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him. According to the Lord’s Word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words” (1 Thess. 4:13-18).

There are many other insights into grief I would like to share. However, what I do want to share with you has to do with finding joy on the journey of grief. For many months after Lorie died, it felt like I had a weight tied around my heart that held me down and bound me and was keeping my spirit from experiencing joy. On occasion I would laugh at something funny, and I experienced little glimpses, little flashes of joy. But they were rare, and they did not last long.

But somewhere along the way, and I cannot remember exactly when the change occurred, I noticed that my heart was lighter and I felt excitement about my future. I think it happened about the time last summer when I was with my kids and my grandchildren. All of a sudden I noticed that joy was returning to my heart. And I observed it was at a time when I began to focus on gratitude and tried to intentionally develop an attitude of praise. Gradually, I was letting go of the past and I was reaching for the future, and joy began to return to my heart. 

In his book, Finding My Way Home, Roman Catholic writer Henri Nouwen says, “Your whole life is filled with losses, endless losses. And every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression, and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper. The question is not how to avoid loss and make it not happen, but how to choose it as a passage, as an exodus to a greater life of freedom.” [4]

In another of his books Nouwen writes about the first time he saw a trapeze artist at a circus. [5] He was thrilled as he watched these artists “dance in the air” as he put it. They soared and all was dangerous until they found themselves caught by the strong hands of their partners. Henri told his father that he always wanted to fly like that and perhaps he had missed his calling!

Nouwen observed that at each performance the fliers let go of the bar and trusted that their flight will end in their hands sliding into the secure grip of a partner. They also knew that only the release of the secure bar allows them to move on with arcing grace to the next.  Before they can be caught, they must let go. They must brave the emptiness of space. 

He says that living with this willingness to let go is one of the greatest challenges we face. Whether it is a person, a possession, or our personal reputation, in so many areas of life we hold on at all costs. But the great paradox is that it is in letting go that we receive. We find safety in unexpected places of risk. And those who try to avoid all risk, those who would seek a guarantee that their hearts will not be broken, end up missing out on the glory God has in store for them if they would only let go and trust Him. 

I still treasure all the wonderful memories of Lorie and the life we shared together, but I am learning to let go of the past and allow myself to be caught by the strong hands of our heavenly Father. In this scary process I find that He is worthy of my trust, and He is giving me joy again. 

Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” The comfort of God almighty is there for each of us if we reach out and entrust our lives to His care. In the midst of your grief, allow the strong hands of God to catch you and hold you and to help you find joy on your journey of grief too. Amen.

_____________________________________________

The Reverend Dr. Peter B. Barnes is Senior Pastor of First Presbyterian Church (ECO), Winston–Salem, North Carolina. His wife Lorie died in November 2016 after a nearly two-year battle with cancer.

[1] C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (London: Faber & Faber, 1961), 7.

[2] M. Craig Barnes, When God Interrupts (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1996),9.

[3] John Claypool, Tracks of a Fellow Struggler (Waco, TX: Word, 1974.

[4] Henri Nouwen, Finding My Way Home (New York: Crossroad Publishing Company, 2001), 135.

[5] Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning into Dancing (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2001), 25ff.

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Overcoming the Stages of Grief

Grief recovery process.

L osing a loved one is undoubtedly one of the most challenging and painful experiences that any of us can go through. The overwhelming emotions and deep sadness can make it feel as if we are stuck in a never-ending cycle of grief. However, it is important to remember that grief is a natural and necessary part of the healing process. In this article, we will explore the stages of grief and discuss strategies for overcoming this difficult journey towards recovery.

The Five Stages of Grief

When faced with a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, it is common to experience a range of emotions that can be categorized into five stages of grief. These stages, first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, provide a framework for understanding the emotional process of grieving. It is important to note that everyone's grief journey is unique, and individuals may not necessarily progress through the stages in a linear fashion.

The first stage of grief, denial, is characterized by a sense of disbelief and an inability to accept the reality of the loss. During this stage, individuals may find themselves thinking, “This isn't happening” or “It must be a mistake.” Denial serves as a defense mechanism that helps us cope with overwhelming emotions. However, it is important to acknowledge and confront our feelings in order to move forward in the healing process.

As the initial shock of the loss begins to fade, many individuals enter the stage of anger. This stage is marked by feelings of frustration, resentment, and even rage. It is not uncommon to direct this anger towards oneself, the deceased, or others who may seem unaffected by the loss. It is crucial to express and process these emotions in a healthy manner, such as through talking to a trusted friend or seeking professional help.

3. Bargaining

During the bargaining stage, individuals attempt to regain a sense of control and make sense of the loss by making promises or seeking ways to reverse what has happened. It is common to find oneself pleading with a higher power, asking for the pain to be taken away or the loved one to be brought back. While bargaining can provide temporary relief, it is important to recognize that it cannot change the reality of the loss.

4. Depression

The fourth stage of grief, depression, is often characterized by overwhelming feelings of sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness. It is important to remember that depression is a natural response to loss and should not be confused with clinical depression. During this stage, it is crucial to reach out for support and seek professional help if necessary. Remember that it is okay to grieve and give yourself permission to feel the pain.

5. Acceptance

The final stage of grief, acceptance, is not about forgetting or moving on from the loss, but rather learning to live with it. Acceptance does not mean that the pain goes away completely, but rather that we have found a way to integrate the loss into our lives. It is important to acknowledge that acceptance is a gradual process that may take time. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.

Moving Forward After Loss

While it may seem impossible to imagine a life beyond grief, it is important to remember that healing is possible. Moving forward after a loss does not mean forgetting or replacing the loved one, but rather finding a way to honor their memory while rediscovering joy and meaning in life. Here are some strategies for navigating the path to healing.

1. Seek Support

One of the most crucial steps in the healing process is seeking support. Surrounding yourself with loved ones who can provide a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on can make all the difference. Consider joining a support group or seeking professional counseling, as they can provide a safe space for expression and guidance in navigating the complexities of grief.

2. Practice Self-Care

Grieving can take a toll on both our emotional and physical well-being. It is important to prioritize self-care during this difficult time. Make sure to eat nutritious meals, engage in regular exercise, and get enough rest. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, such as reading, listening to music, or spending time in nature, can also help in the healing process.

3. Allow Yourself to Feel

It is essential to give yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions that come with grief. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it is okay to experience moments of joy amidst the sadness. Allow yourself to cry, to laugh, and to reminisce. Embrace the rollercoaster of emotions and trust that it is a part of the healing journey.

4. Create Rituals

Creating rituals can provide a sense of comfort and closure in the face of loss. This could be as simple as lighting a candle in remembrance, writing a letter to the loved one, or visiting their final resting place. Engaging in these rituals can help acknowledge the significance of the loss and provide an opportunity to say goodbye.

5. Honor Their Memory

Finding ways to honor the memory of the loved one can be a healing and cathartic experience. This could involve creating a photo album, planting a tree in their honor, or participating in a charitable activity in their name. By keeping their memory alive, we ensure that their impact on our lives continues to be felt.

Healing from Grief

While the pain of grief may never fully disappear, it is possible to heal and find a sense of peace. Healing from grief is a personal and unique process that requires time, patience, and self-compassion. Here are some additional strategies that can aid in the healing journey.

1. Journaling

Writing in a journal can be an effective way to process emotions and gain clarity during the grief journey. Take some time each day to write about your thoughts, feelings, and memories. Use this space to express yourself freely and without judgment. Journaling can help bring about insights and a deeper understanding of your emotions.

2. Mindfulness and Meditation

Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help bring about a sense of calm and clarity amidst the storm of grief. Take moments each day to tune into your breath, to be present in the moment, and to cultivate a sense of gratitude for the love and memories shared. These practices can help reduce anxiety and improve emotional well-being.

3. Professional Help

There is no shame in seeking professional help when it comes to navigating the complexities of grief. Grief counseling or therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment to explore your emotions and develop coping strategies. A trained therapist can guide you through the healing process and offer valuable insights and tools for moving forward.

4. Connect with Others

Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can provide a sense of validation and understanding. Consider joining a grief support group or connecting with online communities dedicated to grief and loss. Sharing your experiences and hearing from others who have walked a similar path can offer comfort and solace.

5. Time and Patience

Lastly, it is important to remember that healing takes time and patience. Grief is not something that can be rushed or forced. Allow yourself the space to grieve and honor your own unique process. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate the ups and downs of healing.

The journey of grief is undoubtedly one of the most difficult experiences we face as humans. However, it is important to remember that we have the capacity to heal and find joy again. By acknowledging and embracing the stages of grief, seeking support, and practicing self-care, we can begin to move forward while still honoring the memory of our loved ones. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel, and know that you are not alone.

The post Overcoming the Stages of Grief appeared first on Things That Make People Go Aww .

The Grief of Grieving

Healing the hurt that comes with loss..

Posted April 24, 2024 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

• Understanding Grief
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• All grief is connected to loss; however, not all loss leads to grief.
• Grieving itself can become a source of pain, often long after the loss has been accepted.
• Through acceptance comes the realization that we will survive the grieving process

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. — Khalil Gibran

It there is one statement that summarizes most of the therapy sessions I have had with clients over the past 40 years it would be, “Help me make the pain stop.” Often this experience of pain, mostly psychological and emotional, but sometimes physical, is associated with a loss of some sort. It can be the loss of a loved one, a family pet, a job, social standing or status, or even the loss of a cherished dream or belief. The experience of this suffering is what most of us refer to as grief.

Conventional wisdom tells us that grief, from the Latin gravare, "to make heavy,” is a part of life. It’s normal, we are told, to feel sad, and heavy-hearted, when we experience a loss. However, under the sheer weight of this burden, little seems “normal” and many worry that they will be unable to hold up and carry on.

While all grief is connected to loss, not all loss leads to grief. Everyone can look back at their lives and count numerous losses that did not lead to a grief response. How is it that certain situations create such deep pain and emotional scars, while others leave barely a scratch?

The answer is that we often experience suffering in direct proportion to our level of attachment to that which was lost. The felt sense of connection to a person or thing will determine the degree to which one feels pain and direct the course of recovering from that pain. As an example, the loss of a job for someone whose sense of self-worth is defined by what they do for a living will likely feel catastrophic. The same experience for someone who has little sense of self invested in their work will not feel nearly as devastating.

Traditional grief work seeks to help individuals understand and work their way through grief, often based on the stages identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: denial , depression , bargaining, anger , and acceptance. Those grieving are advised that these are neither universal nor sequential steps and that there is no set time frame for moving through one's responses to loss. Mourners are encouraged to seek support, express their feelings, and be patient with themselves while they find ways to move forward.

Common expressions during this adjustment period include, “I feel empty inside,” “My heart is broken,” “Life doesn’t seem real,” or “I feel dead inside,” The fear that underlies these statements is that one will not survive these experiences and that their broken heart can no longer sustain a meaningful life. Grieving itself becomes the source of pain, often long after the loss has been accepted. This explains why there are people who, in times of desperation, choose suicide rather than living with their grief, or who, on reflecting on the death of a loved one, will say that they wish that they were the ones who had died.

To find comfort during such times requires a new way of looking at grief. If we stop focusing on bringing “closure” to grief and instead see it as an opening into the very nature of life, we will experience what I call gralief— the relief that comes when we allow what is happening outside, and inside, ourselves to be as it is. From this acceptance comes the realization that not only are we going to survive the loss we encountered, but we will also survive the grieving process. With that relief comes a gratitude that arises from living through the pain and letting it teach us the wisdom of letting go of our attachments. This is not a detached life in which we care less, but one that honors the natural rhythms of life.

Gralief allows us to, as Khalil Gibran says, “watch with serenity through the winters of our grief.” This watching leads to the direct experience that it is not time that heals all wounds, it is the acceptance of the impermanence of all things that creates a space—which we often call perspective—around the happenings in our lives. In that space is peace, and in that peace is the understanding that even grief, sadness, and suffering come to an end in their season. It is the understanding that C.S. Lewis reached when he wrote, “ Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love.”

Get Some Gralief

• Create rituals that acknowledge your loss and honor your courage in facing it. One client honors the death of her mother by enjoying her mother’s favorite meal despite the sadness of her mother no longer being there to share it.
• Use prayers, mantras, or affirmations during particularly hard times. “This too shall pass,” the serenity prayer, or simply meditative breathing help bring one back to present moment that is life.
• Challenge guilty feelings and the thoughts which create them. Too often, people deepen their grief through feelings that they could have or should have done something to prevent the loss.
• Keep a mental or physical gratitude journal. A list of what one is grateful for can counter the overwhelming feelings of despair.
• Take some time to reflect on all the things in your life that you once thought you could never live without and realize that they have come and gone, and you have carried on. The Stoic philosopher Seneca reminds us that “the things hardest to bear are sweetest to remember.”

Mike Verano, LPC, LMFT, CEAP, CCISM, CCTP, CFRC, is a licensed therapist, author, and public speaker.

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Vacation Bible School

June 3-7 | 6-9 PM

Your Journey from Mourning to Joy Help and encouragement after the death of a spouse, child, family member or friend. You are welcome to begin attending our GriefShare group at any time. Each session is "self-contained" so you do not have to attend in sequence. You will be able to pick up any sessions you missed in the next 13-week cycle.

General Meeting Information: ​

Registration fee $20 (Scholarships available)

Weekly Seminar Topics

Is This Normal?

Challenges of Grief

The Journey of Grief - Part 1

The Journey of Grief - Part 2

Grief and Your Relationships

Guilt and Anger

Complicating Factors

Lessons of Grief - Part 1

Lessons of Grief - Part 2

What Do I Live for Now?

Bryan Hunsaker 813-752-4104 [email protected]

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The Journey Through Grief: The Six Needs of Mourning

by Center for Loss | Dec 21, 2023 | Articles

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The death of someone loved changes our lives forever.  And the movement from the “before” to the “after” is almost always a long, painful journey.  From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief.  Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.

I have also learned that the journey requires mourning.  There is an important difference, you see.  Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies.  Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings.  To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys.  We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

There are six “yield signs” you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief—what I call the “reconciliation needs of mourning.”  For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.

Need 1:  Acknowledging the reality of the death

This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months.  To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times.  You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad.  This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning.  It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.

Remember—this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months.  Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.

Need 2:  Embracing the pain of the loss

This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do.  It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.

You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain.  In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time.  Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.

Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain.  If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to  “carry on” or “keep your chin up.”   If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief.  Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.

Need 3:  Remembering the person who died

Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die?  Of course.  You have a relationship of memory.  Precious memories,  dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.)  are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship.  This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.

But some people may try to take your memories away.  Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died.  They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house.  But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.  Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.

Need 4:  Developing a new self-identity

Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people.  When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.

You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.”  You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.”  The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.

A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died.  After all, someone still has to take out the garbage; someone still has to buy the groceries.  You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died.  This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.

You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity.  You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.

Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity.  You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example.  You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself.  You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.

Need 5: Searching for meaning

When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life.  You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need.   You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.

“How could God let this happen?”  “Why did this happen now, in this way?”  The death reminds you of your lack of control.  It can leave you feeling powerless.

The person who died was a part of you.  This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well.  At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions.  You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her.  And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.

This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality.  You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart.  This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Need 6: Receiving ongoing support from others

The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal.  You cannot—nor should you try to—do this alone.  Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need.  And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.

Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death.  “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate.  Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.

To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you.  They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed—even encouraged—to mourn long after the death.  And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.

Reconciling your grief

You may have heard—indeed you may believe—that your grief journey’s end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief.   But your journey will never end.  People do not “get over” grief.

Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died.  With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living.

In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose.  Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent.  Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.

Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”

Wallet Cards: “The Six Needs of Mourning”

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