royal caribbean cruise ship activities

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41 Must-Do Activities Aboard Royal Caribbean Ships

When it comes to things to do on a cruise ship, Royal Caribbean is arguably the leader in the industry. Whether you’re wanting something relaxing (spa day, anyone?) or something more active (waterslides, rock climbing, and more), the cruise line offers more to do than anyone out there.

If you’re planning to take a cruise on Royal Caribbean, you should know that it offers something for everyone – from kids to teens to active adults and even grandparents. No one of any age can feel bored with so many activities to choose from, whatever your taste in fun.

If you’re new to cruising, or haven’t sailed with Royal Caribbean yet, here’s a preview of the many things you can enjoy while sailing with this cruise line.

One thing to note is that the list below represents the things you can do across the cruise line. Unfortunately, not all the features listed are available on every Royal Caribbean ship . Don’t worry, however. You can ask your travel agent or call the cruise line to see which ships offer the features you want. (If you want the most options, then we suggest sailing the newest and largest ships in the fleet.)

We’ve broken down this list into broad groups to help you decide in advance which of the many cruise experiences you absolutely don’t want to miss…

Thrills: Get Your Adrenaline Pumping!

There’s no better way to kick off your cruise than with some high-energy fun. You can skydive, zipline, rock climb, soar above the ship, ride standing waves… and more. What other type of travel offers so many options?

Plunge down a waterslide If you can’t remember the last time you felt exhilarated, you owe it to yourself to enjoy one of Royal Caribbean’s waterslides. They are a fun way to get wet while on the ship while also getting a shot of adrenaline. You’ll find them across the fleet, with larger ships having more options.

Want to stay dry? Check out the Ultimate Abyss on the cruise line’s largest Oasis-class ships. While not a waterslide, it still takes you plunging down ten stories, making it the tallest slide at sea.

Skydive without an airplane If you’re attracted by the adrenaline rush of skydiving, but not sure if you want to jump out of an airplane, try RipCord by iFly on Royal Caribbean’s Quantum-class ships. This skydiving simulator lets you experience the excitement of defying gravity, safely floating on air within a wind tunnel on the deck of your ship. Don’t worry, you’ll have an instructor with you the entire time. There is a charge for this activity, however.

Go rock climbing Whether you’re a beginner or an experienced climber, you can strap in and go vertical – as high as 40 feet above deck. This complimentary activity will give you bragging rights when you tell your friends that your vacation had you climbing the wall in the middle of the ocean. While kids will love it, there’s no rule that adults can’t climb too!

Polish your surfing skills on Flowrider Royal Caribbean’s popular surfing simulator allows guests to experience what it’s like to ride a wave… without having to plunge into the ocean. You simply “surf” on a thin layer of fast-moving water. The Flowrider supports both traditional surfing and boogie board style surfing. Surfing on a Flowrider is complimentary with your fare. For an additional fee, you can also book private surfing lessons. Just keep in mind that the lines can be long during prime time in the middle of a day at sea.

Zipline across the ship Imagine flying across the ship, suspended from a zipline ten decks up. You can do it on Royal Caribbean’s Oasis-class vessels such as Harmony of the Seas. Strap in and ride across the decks below. It’s a short ride, but also an unforgettable experience you can’t replicate anywhere else.

Ride the North Star If you’re sailing aboard one of Royal Caribbean’s Quantum-class ships, make sure you experience this unique attraction. The North Star observation pod extends upwards and even over the side of the ship so passengers can take in a 360-degree view from 300 feet in the air. If you’re scared of heights, then it’s not for you. If you’re ok with being up over the ship, it provides a great view (and thrill).

Fun: Sing, Shop, Skate – and More!

Being on a cruise means feeling carefree. Sing your heart out, shop ‘til you drop, glide across the ice.

Indulge in some retail therapy Royal Caribbean’s Royal Promenades are one of the things fans love about this cruise line. Aboard a Royal Caribbean vessel, you’ll find a wide range of shopping options here, including souvenirs, fine jewelry, fashion, luxury watches, liquor, and beauty items. No need to bring cash. You can put everything on your room keycard and pay at the end of the trip.

Join in a piano sing-along The Schooner Bar, one of the Royal Caribbean signature venues found on every ship, offers a relaxed, nautical vibe along with a piano. Enjoy your favorite beverage as you enjoy the piano music playing well-known songs that are universally loved.

Sing your heart out in karaoke One of the nice things about a cruise is that you don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself. After all, once the cruise is over you won’t likely see these people again. So let your talent shine onstage. Karaoke is available at different spots, such as Spotlight Karaoke on Oasis of the Seas. Grab a mic and show off your vocal chops, singing one of your favorite hit songs.

Twirl and glide across the ice One of the many ways Royal Caribbean offers passengers more than they is expect is by doing things that seem impossible on a cruise ship. In this case, how about a shipboard ice-skating rink? Everyone from kids to grownups can strap on a pair of skates and glide (or wobble) across the ice. There are also ice shows put on by the entertainment staff. Be sure to bring long pants.

Try your luck in the casino Gambling on the cruise ship is one of the most popular activities. All your favorite games are available (slots, craps, roulette, blackjack, etc.), plus some that you may not be used to seeing in a casino like coin pusher machines and “skill crane” type machines that can win you money.

Casinos are open normally when the ship is sailing from port to port, and can get pretty busy in the evenings.

Explore the art around the ship One unique thing about Royal Caribbean is that the cruise line loves to place art around the ship. Every stairwell that you travel will have art pieces. There’s also art lining the walls near the elevator lobbies as you head to the cabin. And then there is just art sprinkled around. Take a few moments to appreciate these touches as there are some definitely unique pieces you won’t see anywhere else.

Relax: Ways to Unwind

A Royal Caribbean cruise lets you enjoy the best of both worlds – fast-paced fun and/or slowing down to savor some quiet time.

Enjoy some private romantic time Order room service for you and your significant other so the two of you can have meal together on your stateroom balcony. Toast each other as you watch the sun rise or set. (If you opted for shipboard accommodations without a balcony, Royal Caribbean ships offer plenty of spots where you can lounge on the pool deck with great views.)

Play shuffleboard If you’re in the mood for some laid-back fun, a game of shuffleboard gives you something fun to do with friends, family and fellow cruisers without taxing your muscles or energy level. It’s a perfect way to wind down, especially if you’ve been engaging in high-energy activities all day. Plus, it’s about as classic a cruise ship activity as you will ever see. You’ll see the courts painted with boxes nearby holding the equipment.

Relax at the spa If you crave relaxation, Royal Caribbean’s spas have you covered. Enjoy a massage or pamper yourself with a facial or mani-pedi. You can also just purchase a day pass to use the facilities. The menu of spa services also includes wraps, teeth-whitening, hair-styling, and makeup. Just know that there are extra charges for spa services. Still, the relaxation can be well worth the cost.

Grab a towel and head for the pool As you would expect, every Royal Caribbean ship offers swimming pools, and usually we’re talking multiple options. Choose the pool that suits your style.

The main pool, open to all cruisers of all ages, enables the whole family to relax together. Kids’ pools provide splashing and spraying fun for children. The Solarium, open to adults, offers a quieter vibe – plus this pool is typically covered giving a warmer option if it’s chilly out.

No matter which pool you pick, you can soak up some sun or relax in the shade while sipping your favorite beverage.

Let the kids go wild in Splashaway Bay We mentioned it in passing above, but Splashaway Bay on Royal Caribbean is a can’t-miss if you have kids. Instead of a pool, it’s an entire splash pad with water spraying everywhere, slides, interactive water features and more. If you have a kid that can’t swim yet, it’s the perfect place for them to get wet while you relax (or join in the fun).

Eat: Food, Glorious Food!

With so many delicious options to choose from, your only problem will be deciding which spot to eat at first.

Dine on gourmet Italian fare at Jaime’s Italian With a menu of Tuscan specialties designed by famed chef Jaime Oliver, Jaime’s Italian is a favorite dining venue among Royal Caribbean fans. Start with the Meat Plank, the shareable appetizer piled with mortadella, salami, prosciutto, pickles and cheeses. Then choose from fresh pasta, fish and seafood dishes, chicken, or burgers. 

Taste a little of everything at the Windjammer Royal Caribbean’s buffet — Windjammer — enables you to sample all your favorites, plus try some tempting dishes. Breakfast offerings include a selection of everything from omelets to bacon to French toast, pastries, and more. Lunchtime options range from sandwiches, salads, and soups to fresh-pressed paninis and various carving stations. For dinner, you can eat just about anything you can imagine, including salads, burgers, dogs, tacos, chicken, and beef dishes. Don’t forget to save room for the dessert, which include a number of options.

Get some sushi at Izumi Fans of Japanese cuisine can enjoy expertly prepared, impeccably presented sushi and sashimi, as well as a wide variety of Asian-inspired appetizers, entrees, and desserts. Just know that like many restaurants outside the buffet and main dining room, there is an extra charge.

Savor the taste of the sea at Hooked Seafood Choose from a menu of New England-style seafood classic dishes including crab cakes, crab claws, lobster rolls, plus raw-bar favorites like just-shucked oysters.

Chow down on Italian favorites Giovanni’s Table Even if your cruise doesn’t sail anywhere near the boot-shaped peninsula, you can satisfy your craving for fresh pastas, and braised meats and classic Italian dishes (lamb, chicken, shrimp, and veal) at this upscale Italian spot. One tip — try it for lunch for a cheaper price than what’s charged at dinner.

Dine in elegance at 150 Central Park Available on Oasis-class ships, 150 Central Park serves farm-to-ship cuisine using carefully sourced ingredients to create handcrafted gourmet experience. Dishes include halibut, duck, lobster, veal, and more. 

Let your taste buds experience Wonderland In the mood for a culinary adventure? Take your taste buds down the rabbit hole to enjoy magical elixirs and sensory surprises. Wonderland is an Alice in Wonderland-inspired restaurant, right down to the menu you have to paint to reveal its contents. Meanwhile the entrees served also have a unique take on what you eat. Consider it one of the most memorable meals you’ll ever eat.

Grab a slice of pizza at Sorrento’s Sometimes you just want a slice of pizza. Sorrento’s serves up pies around the clock. Whether you’re in the mood for a classic cheese or pepperoni pizza or want to try one of the daily specialty toppings like chorizo or Hawaiian-style pizza, Sorrento’s will satisfy your cravings for pizza in a casual setting for lunch, dinner, or a late-night snack.

Compete: So Many Ways to Challenge Yourself

On a Royal Caribbean ship, you can choose from the latest game trends or go old-school to compete with others and prove who is the best.

Get in a game of mini-golf Playing mini-golf is a great way to have fun with family members and/or friends. Shipboard mini-golf means you get to enjoy an ocean view while you play! It’s completely free and the good news is that the courses don’t usually get too crowded. It’s something you can play anytime, day or night.

Test your wits in an escape room Are you up to a brainteasing challenge? Can you and your team solve the clues and escape before the clock runs out? Whether you’re already a fan of the escape room trend or eager to try this challenge for the first time, you’ll have a blast racing against the clock to find clues so you can solve the escape room puzzle on many Royal Caribbean ships. The “Apollo 18” escape room, for example, gives you an hour to figure of the clues to launch the rocket… and is set in a control room that looks straight out of the 1960s.

Play video games in the arcade Ok, maybe you don’t think about playing video games on vacation, but your kids might. On the ships there are arcades with all sorts of games – from air hockey to skill cranes to shooting games. Royal Caribbean’s onboard video arcades vary from ship to ship, but they all offer the lure of parent-free fun amidst flashing lights. Of course, parents can play too.

Try your skill in trivia and sports If you love a little competition, then surprisingly a cruise ship can scratch that itch. Royal Caribbean puts on lots of games where you can test yourself against others. This includes trivia covering all sorts of topics from famous logos to flags of the world. As well, sports contests like free-throw competitions and soccer skills are also happening during the cruise.

Entertainment: Enjoy the Show

There’s something magical about watching a live performance; something you can’t get from streaming your favorite show or movie at home. Royal Caribbean gives guests a wide range of choices of live entertainment to enjoy.

Enjoy world-class entertainment at a Broadway at Sea production Royal Caribbean offers Tony award-winning Broadway shows. Recent productions offered onboard include Hairspray, Mamma Mia, Cats, and Grease. If you love razzle-dazzle shows with world-class performers singing and dancing with the full panoply of professional costumes, lighting, and sets, a voyage aboard a Royal Caribbean ship is your ticket to great entertainment. Best of all, these shows are free to watch.

Be amazed at the skills of AquaTheater performers Royal Caribbean’s Oasis-class vessels feature the Aqua Theater, unique performance spaces where two 30-foot diving platforms flank the deepest pool at sea. Watch in awe as aerialists, acrobats, and high divers perform amazing feats as the ship sails. There is simply no other cruise line that has anything like this.

Listen to live music Royal Caribbean’s live music venues feature world-class musicians performing a wide range of sounds, from cover bands and acoustic to Latin and live jazz. You can take in a live concert every night of your cruise. They perform at venues around the ship in the evening, adding a nice soundtrack to the evening of entertainment.

Laugh your stress away with some comedy If you like comedy, you can laugh and enjoy yourself at sea. Just about any cruise will have a comedian. Sometimes they perform in a small venue and sometimes they are headliners in the main theater. No matter, the comedians will help put you in a good mood, with performers that have appeared on major broadcasts and venues.

Toast the official start of your cruise at the sail-away party Aboard every trip to the Caribbean is the sail-away party. To celebrate the moment your ship leaves port, Royal Caribbean hosts a party at the pool deck. All guests are invited to enjoy the festivities, which include drinks, dancing, and music. Don’t miss the fun, especially if you’re cruising for the first time.

Drink: I’ll Toast to That!

Quench your thirst, learn about wines, enjoy the way your favorite drink tastes accompanied by ocean air.

Root for your favorite team at Playmakers If your favorite team is playing during your cruise, you can watch the action at Playmakers. Drink your favorite brew while snacking on Playmakers’ menu of sports bar favorites like burgers and wings. If you’re traveling during football season, then there is no better place to be. 

Let a robot bartender serve you at the Bionic Bar In a cool twist on traditional drink service, many Royal Caribbean ships have the Bionic Bar. Here, you order your favorite cocktail via an iPad, then have it prepared and served to you by robotic arms. It’s a mix of mixology and technology as your perfectly prepared drink is put together.

Take a mini-tour of the ship from your bar stool It’s perhaps the most unique bar on any cruise ship anywhere. The Rising Tide Bar on Oasis-class ships is an elevator bar, gliding slowly up from the Royal Promenade on deck 5 to Central Park on deck 8. Don’t worry, you haven’t had too much to drink. The bar really is moving.

Have a fruity cocktail from The Bamboo Room A tiki-inspired bar with all sorts of fruity concoctions? The Bamboo Room isn’t on every ship, but is a favorite for those that enjoy a tropical feeling. Step in and be transported back to mid-century when tiki bars were all the rage. It’s lively (especially near the action of the bar), but also offers spots to sit and enjoy the company of others in a cozy atmosphere where you don’t have to yell to be heard.

Enjoy poolside beverages at Lime and Coconut Perhaps the most popular bar on any Royal Caribbean ship will be Lime and Coconut. This is the poolside bar. Here you can get all the fruity tropical concoctions you’re dreaming about, all with barely having to leave your sun lounger. 

Let Loose: Show Off a Little

You’re on vacation, so loosen up. Move your body on the dance floor, let your inner pop (or rock, or country) star cut loose on stage, put on your fanciest duds and/or a playful costume.

Enjoy an evening of elegance with formal nights If the elegance of cruising’s past makes you feel you were born too late, you’ll love this opportunity to wear your finest attire. Formal nights happen on each cruise and are perfect to get all dressed up and have a romantic evening. Be sure to take a photo so you can show all your friends back home how amazing you look on this special evening at sea.

Wear a fantastic costume at theme nights If you like to dress up but prefer a more playful atmosphere, you’ll enjoy Royal Caribbean’s theme nights. These festive evenings vary from voyage to voyage. Your cruise might offer ‘70s Disco Night, White Out, Caribbean Night, Country & Western, Latin or a Sock Hop. Don’t worry, you don’t have to dress up to enjoy the theme parties.

Play (or just watch) interactive game shows Watch – or participate in – one of Royal Caribbean’s shipboard game shows, based loosely on TV classic shows. One is a take on The Newlywed Game where contestants try to win by showing how well they know their spouse. Other game shows offered onboard include Battle of the Sexes and the adults-only Quest scavenger hunt.

More on sailing Royal Caribbean:

• Complete Guide to Sailing Royal Caribbean (What It’s Like)
• Worth It? Complete Guide to Royal Caribbean’s Drink Package
• 15+ Royal Caribbean Tips, Tricks, and Things to Know

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ONBOARD ACTIVITIES & ENTERTAINMENT INCREDIBLE IS ON THE ITINERARY 

Whatever thrills you seek, you’ll find all sorts of ways to fill your days on board Royal Caribbean®. Each day and night brings something new to do, see and explore. From the robot mixologists at Bionic Bar® to the FlowRider® surf simulators and the tallest slide at sea, Ultimate Abyss℠, to hit Broadway musicals like Grease. And with the award-winning Adventure Ocean® youth programme, kids and teens will have a blast – plus parents can get a little time of their own. The hardest part is deciding where to start.

North Star ®

360-degree views, 365 days a year

Tidal Wave℠

Go airborne on the only boomerang slide at sea

See the ship over nine decks above the Boardwalk® on the Zip Line

FlowRider ®

Score prime waves all day every day on the FlowRider® surf simulator.

Bump up your game at SeaPlex®

Soak up the relaxation and the horizon

Pool Parties

Stay up late for this top deck party

Sports Court

Play 3-on-3 with an ocean view at the Sports Court

Play the classics and modern faves at the Royal Caribbean® Arcade

Ultimate Abyss℠

Take the plunge on the tallest slide at sea – the Ultimate Abyss℠.

Merry-go-round

Family fun takes a nostalgic turn on the hand-crafted carousel

RipCord ® by iFLY ®

Feel the freedom of freefall on the only skydiving simulator at sea – RipCord® by iFLY®

Trapeze School

Make your circus dreams come true on the flying trapeze

The Perfect Storm℠

Soak up the thrills on all The Perfect Storm℠: the boldest water slides at sea.

Enjoy mini golf with maximum fun

Dodgem Cars

Buckle up for the only dodgem cars at sea at the largest indoor activity space ever to set sail.

Escape the Rubicon

The entire room is a mystery to unravel in Escape the Rubicon

Art Collection

Browse and buy original art from our curated collection

Rock Climbing Wall

Rock out on the Rock Climbing Wall for full-scale adventure

Splashaway Bay℠

An water park that's cool, colourful and all kinds of crazy

Ice Skating

Lace up your skates and take a spin on the only rinks at sea

Mystery Dinner Theatre

Be the detective at Mystery Dinner Theatre, an evening of intrigue

Royal Escape Room℠ – Mission Control: Apollo 18

Decode the mysteries of Mission Control in the latest Royal Escape Room challenge.

Sip, Tour Brunch

The best days begin with brunch and bubbles.

Latin Fiesta

Get ready to shake your hips and find your Latin rhythm.

Dancing Under The Stars

Party with us poolside beneath the night sky.

Typhoon℠ and Cyclone℠

Grab a friend and race down The Perfect Storm℠ twin water slides Typhoon℠ and Cyclone℠.

Spanish Classes

Brush up on your Spanish skills in an interactive onboard class.

Totally Awesome 90s Street Party

Throwback to the decade that was all that and a bag of crisps

Plunge into new thrills on the only head-first mat racer waterslide at sea, Riptide℠.

Latin Dance Classes

By the end of this class, you’ll be dancing like the stars.

The Greatest 80s Party Ever!

Get ready for a total blast from the past at the greatest 80s party ever.

Adventure Ocean ®

The new Adventure Ocean® youth programme is designed to ignite the imagination.

Amplified Pool Deck

It’s time to take your pool game to the next level.

Gear up, grab a foil and get ready for an introduction into the art of fencing.

Think you can get a bullseye? Take your best shot in our archery tournament.

Captain’s Welcome Aboard Reception

The Captain invites all guests to a formal night reception held in their honour. It’s a great photo op, so don’t forget your camera.

The Blaster ®

Hang on tight for The Blaster® aqua coaster, the longest waterslide at sea.

Category 6 Waterpark

Brave six record-breaking slides at Category 6, the largest waterpark at sea.

70s Disco Party

You’ve scored a one-way ticket to funky-town.

Cupcake Class

Sprinkle on the memories.

Laser Tag: Clash for the Crystal City℠

Two clans collide in an icy new glow-in-the-dark laser tag face-off for control of a mystical frozen city.

Mellow out to live Caribbean music in this open-air sanctuary that’s far above ordinary.

Wonder Playscape℠

A whole new way to explore and discover an underwater-themed world full of fun

Up, Up and Away

Join puppets Mia and Max as they embark on a glow-in-the-dark adventure.

Art Auctions

Bid on bold masterpieces at an action-packed onboard art auction.

Swirl through a champagne-bowl funnel in Supercell℠, part of The Perfect Storm℠: the boldest water slides at sea.

Extraordinary tech meets top-notch talent and epic imagination at Two70®

Star Moment

Become the star of your own show as you belt out all your favourite tunes karaoke-style at Star Moment.

Sushi-Making Class

Turn lunch into a hands-on adventure.

Delve into your favourite card and board games at the Card Room

Royal Escape Room℠ – The Royal Society of Puzzles

Put your smarts to the test to unravel The Royal Society of Puzzles.

The Cove℠ Pool

The ultimate infinity pool for serene ocean views with sun-drenched action always close by.

Let's Celebrate

The only parade where every holiday is celebrated at once

Dance Classes

Show off new moves during dance classes with the pros

All Access Tour

You're the VIP (Very Important Passenger) behind the scenes

Table Tennis

Serve up stiff competition during a table tennis face-off

Got game? Prove it on one of our interactive Game Shows

Outdoor Film Nights

The poolside screen is huge – and so is the fun

Harmony High

Jump, jive and wail at Harmony High, the most rockin' show at sea

With onboard pools, you've got plenty of chances to make a splash

Scuba Diving Certification

Polish your PADI® skills and get scuba dive-certified on your holiday

Virtual Concert

Relive original performances in stunning 4K at Two70's Virtual Concert .

See what happens when you wish upon a star in Away We Go .

Laser Tag: Battle for Planet Z℠

Forces collide in a glow-in-the-dark laser tag faceoff in Battle for Planet Z℠.

Piano Sing-Alongs

Sing along to a chorus of ivory-tickling classics at Schooner Bar nightly.

Royal Escape Room℠: The Observatorium

Have you and your team got what it takes to beat the clock?

Water's Edge

Unrivalled views for you while kids play steps away at Splashaway Bay℠ waterpark.

Larger than life festival

Supersized games go big on bonding at the Larger Than Life Festival.

The big shark block party

The Big Shark Block Party makes a big, bold splash with your favourite dance tunes.

Adrenaline Peak℠

Test your bravery. Rock climb to the top of Adrenaline Peak for unmatched views.

Thrill Island

The most adrenaline-amping adventures converge at Thrill Island – only on Icon of the Seas℠.

Swim & Tonic℠

The new Swim & Tonic℠ is your go-to for ice-cold drinks and sun-kissed beats.

Royal Escape Room℠

Decode the mysteries that will set you free and Escape the Room

Fuel bolder bonding at Surfside℠ – the ultimate stay-all-day family neighbourhood.

The vibe is always on at this off-the-grid.

Get hooked on pickleball, the new trendy sport for everyone.

Lost Dunes℠

Tee off for friendly competition at Lost Dunes℠, the ultimate mini-golf course

Steel Pan Family Jam™

Groove to your own tropical tunes at the Steel Pan Family Jam.

Hideaway Pool

Hit new heights of bragworthy at the first suspended infinity pool at sea.

Absolute Zero℠

See bold feats unleashed at Absolute Zero℠, our biggest ice arena ever.

Once upon a bedtime story

Once Upon a Bedtime Story is the cosiest way to end a sun-filled day.

Chill Island℠

Sip to the rhythm of live music and DJs at every turn at Chill Island℠.

Awe is inspired on a grand new scale at the shimmering AquaDome℠.

Crown's Edge℠

Dare to conquer the Crown’s Edge℠, a test of bravery like nothing you’ve ever seen.

Royal Bay℠ Pool

This sprawling oasis is the largest pool at sea – with over 40,000 gallons of water.

DISCOVER ALL NEW ICONIC THRILLS & CHILLS

Only on icon of the seas.

Dining Room

Go on a flavourful globetrotting journey at The Dining Room – serving mouthwatering international dishes for every meal.

It’s grub time anytime at Pier 7 with beachside bites, all-day brunch and chill vibes

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Whatever your little ones are into at the moment, the expansive Surfside Eatery buffet has it on deck – steps away from all the action.

Pearl Café℠

Pearl Café offers toasted sandwiches, ready-made salads and sweet treats with a show.

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Stop by this all-day window for Japanese street food and sushi rolls in to-go boxes.

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Level-up special occasions with VIP treatment and your choice of prix menus at Celebration Table.

AquaDome Market

Find five unique food stands serving a smorgasbord of options for your crew at AquaDome Market.

Basecamp is your family’s headquarters to refuel between adventures onboard. Walk up to any window for delicious provisions or head to the bar for drinks.

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Refuel on the run between adventures at Surfside Bites, your quick stop for sweet and salty noshes and tasty twists on classics.

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Treat yourself to a lavish night of luxury with premium American cuisine at Empire Supper Club

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Catch stand-up comedy with big city style at Comedy Live

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Once you’ve uncovered The Hideaway, your sea days will never be the same.

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It’s time you discover just how suite life can be at the Suite Neighbourhood.

The Wizard of Oz

Our biggest cast and orchestra ever in the Broadway hit musical, The Wizard of Oz – only on Icon of the Seas℠.

Showband! Live. Music. Now.

Enjoy phenomenal vocal artists accompanied by sixteen top tier musicians.

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Discover your own private slice of paradise.

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My Personas

Code: ∅.

I sailed on Royal Caribbean's Icon of the Seas. These were my 8 favorite amenities on the world's largest cruise ship.

• Royal Caribbean invited me to spend three complimentary nights on its new Icon of the Seas  in January.
• My eight favorite amenities included the waterpark and jazz bar.
• I've yet to see most of the amenities on my list on other cruise ships.

There's a reason Royal Caribbean's new mega-cruise ship is only operating seven-night sailings .

The 1,196-foot-long, 20-deck Icon of the Seas is packed with bars, restaurants, and things to do. Any shorter of an itinerary, and you might not have time to experience all it has to offer.

If you're a frequent cruiser — especially with Royal Caribbean — amenities like the mini-golf course and water playground may not seem exciting.

But of all the activities the new world's largest cruise ship has to offer, my eight favorites are, for the most part, ones I've yet to see on another vessel.

Take a look at what made the cut.

1. The six-slide waterpark

It wouldn't be a roundup of Icon of the Seas' best amenities without a mention of its waterpark.

Plenty of family-friendly cruise ships have waterslides, but few have six — or even one that requires a multi-person raft.

However, if you don't like the feeling of your stomach dropping, I'd advise skipping the 46-foot-tall drop slide.

2. The adult-only suspended infinity pool

The 7,600-guest Icon of the Seas has seven pools and nine hot tubs. As a kid-fearing adult, I loved the grown-ups-only suspended infinity pool.

I spent my time there perched at one of its in-water loungers, contently splashing my legs around the water, wondering if I actually hated cruises.

While I would've preferred a quieter atmosphere (the DJ did not, in fact, play smooth jazz), the pool's views, day beds, and lack of screaming children were hard to beat.

3. The Crown’s Edge thrill 'ride'

There's no need to grab coffee before harnessing up for the part-zipling, part-agility Crown's Edge course. You'll be jolted awake when the floor drops from beneath your feet, leaving you dangling 154 feet above the ocean before the zipline kicks in.

Unfortunately, it comes with two costs: $49 and a spike of anxiety.

4. The 'Wizard of Oz' and 'Aqua Action!' shows

If you hate cruise shows, Icon of the Seas could make you change your mind.

The ship's riff on Broadway-approved "Wizard of Oz" — 16-piece live orchestra and flying bed included — delighted me, a hater of most musicals.

For something less traditional, the semi-circle AquaDome theater hosts a compelling multi-disciplinary swim, dive, and aerial show reminiscent of Cirque du Soleil.

It's the first show-at-sea I've seen with a waterfall and nine-foot-tall robotic arms, and so far, it's one of my favorites.

5. The live jazz bar

Ya like jazz? So do I.

Icon of the Seas has plenty of live music venues — including rowdy karaoke and dueling pianos bars, if that counts. But if you're a jazz fan or looking for a peaceful nightcap, none of these options will top the live music at Lou's Jazz 'n Blues.

6. The customizable Mediterranean-style wrap at the five-stall food hall

The mega-ship's food hall wasn't nearly as diverse or exciting as the one on Norwegian Prima .

But compared to the rest of my mediocre meals on Icon of the Seas — including dinner at a specialty restaurant — my complimentary pork pita wrap from the food hall's Mediterranean-inspired stall was admittedly pretty decent.

The Cava -like meal was balanced, succulent, and filling. Ending it with a strawberry nutella crepe from one of the vendors didn't hurt either.

7. The Pearl Café with sweeping ocean views

Everyone takes a picture inside the Pearl . But few people know that the best part about the glittering structure isn't what's inside it — it's what's behind it: the Pearl Café.

Admittedly, the food wasn't standout.

But it's 2024. In this era, we don't dine for food. We dine for vibes . And the Pearl Café was definitely "serving" (even with its mediocre sandwiches).

At first glance, I had snubbed the dining and lounge area as a rip-off of a generic airport coffee shop. But during my three days on Icon, I returned to the centrally located space more often than expected. It turns out it's a great place to get some work done.

8. The lounging pods that tower above passerbys

Speaking of vibes, if you're looking for a secluded place to drink (as in, not the swim-up pool bar), few will top the Overlook Pods, perched just behind the AquaDome.

If you want to feel like you're drinking in a nest atop a tree, bring your coffee-infused cocktail from nearby Rye and Bean to one of the elevated pods. .

Just don't drink too much. What goes up must come down. And to get down from the pods, you'll have to take the stairs.

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If you’re a fan of large-scale resorts, Royal Caribbean might be your ideal cruise line. Their vessels are larger than any other seafaring ships and they’re brimming with an unparalleled selection of restaurants, bars, entertainment zones, and attractions that exceed what you’d find on other cruises or even at some of the largest land-based resorts. Take for example their enormous Oasis-class ships, which feature a plethora of pool areas, water play zones, rock climbing walls, surfing simulators, mini-golf courses, basketball courts, and even zip lines on just the top deck. Inside, you’ll find full-sized spas, sprawling casinos, and theaters offering Broadway-quality shows with famed performers. Some Royal Caribbean ships even go as far as to include ice skating rinks. If this sounds like too much to fit on a ship, remember that their biggest vessels stand 18 decks high, measure almost 1,200 feet long, and can host nearly 7,000 passengers. Essentially, these ships are comparable to the mega-resorts found in places like Las Vegas or Orlando, but with one distinctive twist – they float.

The Fleet of Royal Caribbean

With the highest passenger capacity worldwide, Royal Caribbean stands out with a fleet of 26 ships offering more than 94,000 berths. The fleet includes the five largest cruise ships globally: Wonder of the Seas, Symphony of the Seas, Harmony of the Seas, Allure of the Seas, and Oasis of the Seas. Each can host over 6,600 passengers. Collectively known as the Oasis class, these ships are unmatched in size, amenities, and passenger capacity. Another ship, Utopia of the Seas, is set to join this class in 2024.

However, the Oasis class is not the only heavy hitter in Royal Caribbean’s fleet. It also includes five large Quantum Class ships and three sizable Freedom Class ships, each capable of accommodating between 4,500 and 5,600 passengers. Counting these, Royal Caribbean operates 13 of the world’s 30 largest cruise ships .

The company also owns five slightly smaller Voyager Class vessels, each with a capacity of around 3,800 passengers. In total, the 18 ships from the Oasis, Quantum, Freedom, and Voyager classes form Royal Caribbean’s large-ship category.

The remaining eight vessels, spread across two classes, are comparatively smaller, with a maximum capacity of about 2,500 passengers. These smaller, typically older ships offer routes to destinations less accessible to larger vessels. They appeal to Royal Caribbean fans who prefer a more intimate cruising experience and are willing to forego some onboard amenities. These ships are generally more cost-effective on a per-day basis.

Despite their smaller size, these vessels still provide a substantial array of restaurants, bars, entertainment options, and attractions.

In just over a year, Royal Caribbean intends to launch a series of ships even larger than the massive Oasis-class. Dubbed the Icon class, this series will include at least three ships, each weighing over 250,000 tons.

Itinerary and Destinations

Royal Caribbean delivers a worldwide cruising experience, with a primary focus on the Caribbean and Europe. In the summer months, nearly half of its fleet is usually assigned to voyages in the Caribbean, Bahamas, and Bermuda, whereas about six to seven ships are dispatched to Europe. Alaska also welcomes the arrival of three to four ships each summer.

When the winter season rolls around, an even larger number of ships sail to the Caribbean, with some also journeying to Asia and Australia.

Recently, Royal Caribbean has allocated one or more ships specifically for cruises aimed at Chinese tourists, with Spectrum of the Seas, one of the line’s newest vessels, operating from Shanghai and Tianjin, China (the port for Beijing).

In North America, the main launch points for Royal Caribbean ships encompass PortMiami, Port Canaveral, Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale, and Tampa in Florida; San Juan, Puerto Rico; Galveston, Texas; Bayonne, New Jersey (one of the ports for New York City); Baltimore; Boston; Seattle; Vancouver, British Columbia; and Seward, Alaska. In 2021, departures from Barbados were added to the itinerary.

In Europe, most Royal Caribbean ships set sail from Southampton, England; Amsterdam; Copenhagen; Stockholm; Barcelona; Civitavecchia, Italy (the port for Rome), and as of 2021, Ravenna, Italy, which took over from Venice as a home port.

Who travels with Royal Caribbean?

Royal Caribbean is known for its large, energetic mega-ships that offer a resort-like experience, making it an ideal choice for those who enjoy stays at places like Disney World or grand Las Vegas resorts. The ships are replete with dining and entertainment options, some even offering over 20 unique dining locations. But the experience isn’t only about bustling activities; they also provide tranquil spots for relaxation. For instance, you can immerse yourself in a book in the tree-filled Central Park area on Wonder of the Seas, while others enjoy the ship’s varied pool areas not far above.

The cruise line’s designers have skillfully crafted these ships to accommodate thousands of people without ever feeling overcrowded. They are outfitted with numerous attractions, including vast waterslides and bumper car pavilions, making them particularly appealing to families, including multigenerational groups.

However, Royal Caribbean doesn’t just cater to families; their ships have something for everyone. They attract a wide demographic ranging from couples of all ages to solo travelers, with solo cabins being added to more ships recently.

Customers from various income backgrounds find Royal Caribbean attractive due to the availability of smaller, affordable cabins, casual dining options, and a range of bars and onboard attractions, making the ships universally appealing and accessible to those on a budget.

Furthermore, the ships feature luxury suites, restaurants, and services that cater to luxury-seeking travelers. Royal Caribbean executives claim that if all the suites on their ships were to form a separate business, it would be the largest luxury cruise line in the world. Despite the diverse clientele, one common thread among all Royal Caribbean cruisers is their shared love for a vibrant, bustling resort experience.

Accommodations and Living Quarters

Renowned for its wide array of onboard accommodations, Royal Caribbean offers a unique living experience at sea. The ships provide a multitude of cabin options, with some offering up to 34 different categories. These range from budget-friendly, windowless interior cabins that are a compact 149 square feet, making them an ideal choice for the budget-conscious traveler, to expansive multi-room suites that are over ten times larger.

These lavish accommodations are designed for affluent travelers who appreciate the mega-ship experience over a traditional luxury ship. Among these are the impressive Royal Loft Suites on Oasis-class ships, which cover two decks and provide sweeping views across the upper part of the ship.

Additionally, depending on the ship, those staying in premium suites can expect a host of perks. These include personal butler services provided by ‘Royal Genies’, exclusive access to a private restaurant, a suite lounge and sun deck, reserved seating in entertainment venues, and prioritized boarding and disembarkation. This range of options ensures that every guest can find an accommodation that suits their needs and preferences, enhancing their cruise experience.

Culinary Experiences and Dining Options

Royal Caribbean’s culinary experiences and dining options offer a vast array of choices to suit every palate. While some of their smaller ships have a more modest selection, the majority of vessels in their fleet offer an extensive lineup of dining venues that can feel almost overwhelming.

Their Oasis-class ships stand out with over 20 dining options, from casual Johnny Rockets diners to high-end restaurants offering six-course tasting menus. Each ship features a main dining room and a casual buffet eatery, known as the Windjammer Café or Marketplace, where meals are part of the fare. The dining room offers flexibility with My Time Dining or Traditional Dining for those who prefer a fixed table and dinner time.

Additional complimentary dining venues on certain ships include Sorrento’s pizza parlors, Solarium Bistro with its Mediterranean flair, and Cafe Promenade coffee bar.

For a special treat, each ship boasts at least one specialty restaurant, such as Chops Grille Steakhouse, Italian eateries Giovanni’s Table or Jamie’s Italian, and the seafood-focused Hooked Seafood. Other options might include Izumi’s sushi, Vintages wine bar, Wonderland’s creative cuisine, and Playmakers Sports Bar & Arcade. Some ships even feature a full-service Starbucks.

Private dining venues are available on some ships exclusively for suite guests and top-tier Crown & Anchor Society members. While these specialty venues typically charge a flat fee, some operate on an a la carte basis.

For guests who plan to indulge in several specialty restaurants during their cruise, discounted meal packages are available.

Recreational Activities and Entertainment

Royal Caribbean stands unrivaled in the cruise industry with its vast array of onboard entertainment and activities. Their largest ships house an impressive variety of performance venues, from theaters to comedy clubs, a plethora of deck-top amusements, expansive casinos, full-service spas, and even ice-skating rinks. Additionally, the number of bars, lounges, and nightspots available is almost beyond imagination.

Performance Venues and Productions

The theatrical entertainment provided by Royal Caribbean is a standout feature that consistently amazes guests with the quality and grandeur of performances, all on a cruise ship. The line’s largest vessels are equipped with state-of-the-art theaters, comparable to those on Broadway, hosting renowned productions such as “Hairspray” on Symphony of the Seas and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats” on Oasis of the Seas. Despite some shows being slightly shortened (though many approach two hours in length), and the casts not being Broadway’s top-tier performers, the productions maintain high quality. Remarkably, these shows come at no additional cost, unlike the expensive Broadway shows in New York City.

Adding to the allure are the ice-skating shows performed in onboard rinks found on 13 of Royal Caribbean’s ships. These interior rinks, surrounded by stadium seating for up to 775 spectators, showcase breathtaking performances by Olympic-level skaters – a testament to Royal Caribbean’s claim of employing more world-class professional skaters than any other global company.

Furthermore, guests on Oasis-class ships can enjoy mesmerizing aerial and water shows in the 735-seat outdoor “aqua theaters”. Quantum-class ships present Two70, an extraordinary theater space equipped with advanced technology, where multi-sensory shows combining singing, dancing, and acrobatics take place.

Comedy clubs are a regular feature on some ships, and live music can be enjoyed in several venues every night. Notably, the two-story Music Halls on Quantum-class ships have won the hearts of many guests.

Additional Indoor Features and Pursuits

Beyond the diverse entertainment offerings, Royal Caribbean ships are filled with a myriad of spaces where guests can unwind and have fun at any time of the day or night. This includes an impressive selection of bars, lounges, and nightlife venues.

Every ship in the Royal Caribbean fleet features a casino, with the larger vessels boasting expensive gaming areas. For instance, the Casino Royale on Oasis of the Seas is home to 450 slot & video poker machines, 27 table games such as blackjack, roulette, and craps, a poker room, and even its bar. The casinos on the remaining four Oasis-class ships offer similar extensive facilities.

The Voyager, Freedom, and Oasis-class ships, numbering 13 in total, also have Royal Promenades. These indoor areas, akin to malls, host some of the most distinctive bars at sea, along with dining options and retail stores.

For example, the Royal Promenade on Oasis of the Seas features the Bionic Bar, where a robot serves drinks, and the innovative Rising Tide Bar, which elevates between the Royal Promenade and the outdoor Central Park area three decks above while guests enjoy their beverages. It also houses a British pub, a karaoke lounge, a Latin-themed venue, and the line’s signature Schooner Bar, located one deck above in a balcony area.

The Quantum-class ships, totaling five, showcase a smaller version of the Royal Promenade known as the Royal Esplanade, which transitions into another indoor space named The Via.

These Quantum-class ships also house an indoor activity hub called The SeaPlex. This space includes a bumper car pavilion that transforms into a roller rink when not in use, and also serves as a “circus school” offering flying trapeze lessons. Other activities at the SeaPlex include air hockey and table tennis.

For guests seeking a more serene and luxurious experience, each Royal Caribbean ship is equipped with a spa. Some of these spas are notably spacious, featuring more than two dozen treatment rooms and thermal areas complete with hot stone chairs, rainforest shower zones, saunas, and steam rooms.

Attractions on the Top Deck

The thrill of a Royal Caribbean cruise truly comes to life on the upper decks, where guests are treated to a plethora of unique experiences not found on any other seafaring vessel.

Swimming pools are a given – with the larger ships boasting an impressive number of them. The Oasis-class ships, for example, come with three distinct pool areas and a water play zone specifically designed for children’s enjoyment. Furthermore, more and more Royal Caribbean ships now feature water parks replete with sizable waterslides.

But the fun doesn’t stop there. These ships also host a range of entertainment-focused attractions including massive rock climbing walls, surfing simulators, zip lines, mini-golf courses, and basketball courts, to name just a few. Some of the newer ships even offer skydiving simulators – large acrylic tubes that mimic the adrenaline rush of skydiving.

Oasis-class ships go a step further, featuring an outdoor Boardwalk area furnished with a beautifully hand-carved carousel.

Among the most remarkable features on the deck-top of Royal Caribbean ships are the North Star rides found on Quantum-class vessels. These extraordinary attractions, arguably the most unique ever conceived for a cruise ship, involve giant mechanical arms topped with glass-enclosed capsules that take passengers soaring above the ships for a breathtaking view.

While the North Star ride is generally free, it can also be booked for special events like weddings at an additional fee.

Child-oriented Programs

Royal Caribbean prides itself on having one of the most all-encompassing child-friendly programs on the high seas, catering to kids from as young as 6 months up to 17 years old.

The cornerstone of this program is Adventure Ocean, a hub for free daily supervised activities for children from 3 to 12 years old. Kids are categorized into three age groups: Aquanauts (3-5 years), Explorers (6-8 years), and Voyagers (9-12 years). Each group enjoys a variety of age-appropriate activities such as scavenger hunts and arts and crafts. Many ships feature dedicated areas tailored for these separate groups.

While the complimentary activities wrap up at 10 p.m., parents have the opportunity to keep their kids at Adventure Ocean until 2 a.m. for an additional fee, turning it into a monitored Late Night Party Zone.

Additionally, Royal Caribbean runs a Royal Babies nursery program for children aged 6 to 18 months, which includes engaging classes for both children and their parents, helmed by early childhood experts. The Royal Tots program, aimed at 18-month to 3-year-olds, provides 45-minute interactive play sessions with appropriate activities and toys. Both programs are managed by trained youth staff. Many ships also offer short-term babysitting services at the nursery for an extra charge.

For the older kids, Royal Caribbean offers specialized teen and tween programs on ships for those aged 12 to 17. Some ships, like the Quantum-class vessels, even have a designated area known as The Living Room, equipped with games and a widescreen TV for socializing, in addition to a teens-only disco called Fuel.

What is the cost of a Royal Caribbean cruise?

To appeal to a wide variety of people, Royal Caribbean provides a broad selection of cabin types at different price levels. For a typical voyage, travelers might find an entry-level cabin priced around $100 per person per night, while a luxury suite could cost five to ten times as much.

For example, as of the time this guide was created, a two-bedroom Grand Suite on the Harmony of the Seas for a seven-night Caribbean cruise in January 2024 was being offered at $3,010 per person, assuming two people sharing. This is more than six times the price of the most economical inside cabin (which was priced from $481 per person, also based on two sharing). Balcony cabins for the same cruise were starting at around $683 per person, again with double occupancy.

It’s vital to understand the “based on double occupancy” condition. Similar to most cruise lines, Royal Caribbean’s pricing is per person, not per room, and the majority of cabins are priced on the assumption of two occupants. However, for solo travelers, the cruise line does make available a small selection of cabins on some ships that are priced for single occupancy.

Booking Procedure

The process of booking a cruise involves a series of decisions, starting from your preferred cabin type to the ship and itinerary you choose. If you are sure about all these aspects, you can directly book your cruise through RoyalCaribbean.com. However, given the numerous choices to be made during this process, we recommend seeking the services of an experienced travel agent specializing in cruises. Such an agent will understand your unique interests, travel style, and preferences, guiding you to choose the perfect cruise line, ship, itinerary, and cabin. They can also provide invaluable assistance if any issues occur before, during, or after your journey.

If Royal Caribbean is your cruise line of choice, consider finding a travel agent who specializes in this brand. Such an expert would be familiar with all 34 cabin categories and ideally, have firsthand experience inspecting the ships.

Whether you choose to use a travel agent or not, remember to make the most of your credit card spending when paying for the cruise. Opt for a credit card that offers bonus points for travel purchases. For instance, the Chase Sapphire Reserve card gives 3 Ultimate Rewards points per dollar on travel and dining (excluding the annual $300 travel credit), while the Chase Sapphire Preferred Card offers 2 Ultimate Rewards points per dollar on travel (and 3 points per dollar on dining).

In Conclusion

In conclusion, Royal Caribbean has not attained its position as the world’s largest cruise line by passenger capacity by chance. Its consistent ability to enthrall customers with magnificent, resort-like ships brimming with a wide variety of entertainment and activities is a testament to its success.

For those who enjoy the grandeur of large resorts, you’ll certainly find pleasure in Royal Caribbean’s biggest vessels, particularly the immense Oasis-class ships. On the contrary, if your preference leans towards the charm of small boutique hotels or if you simply enjoy less crowded spaces, this cruise line may not align with your tastes.

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Royal Caribbean kids club: A guide to Adventure Ocean

Royal Caribbean's megaships provide tons of activities and entertainment to suit all ages and personalities — and that includes kids. Not only do ships provide family-friendly programming, but they have drop-off spaces for kids and teens to hang out with peers and not their parents.

On Royal Caribbean, kids clubs include Adventure Ocean, Teen Lounge, and the Royal Babies & Tots Nursery. Here's everything you need to know about these onboard play spaces — before your kids ditch you and spend all day doing age-appropriate activities with their newfound friends.

For cruise news, reviews and tips, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

Does Royal Caribbean offer a kids club?

The family-friendly cruise line doesn't offer just one kids club — it offers several! And they're available on every ship in the fleet.

Royal Caribbean's Adventure Ocean kids club is divided into three groups: Aquanauts, Explorers and Voyagers. The groups will either have their own space or shared play areas, depending on the ship and the number of kids on board.

Ships also have teen clubs and lounge spaces (including outdoor hangouts) and nurseries and toddler play areas for the youngest cruisers.

Related: 5 best cruise lines for families

What's the age limit for Royal Caribbean kids clubs?

The Royal Babies & Tots Program takes children ages 6 to 36 months. Some ships offer drop-off sessions, while others offer spaces for parents or caregivers to play safely with babies and toddlers.

Adventure Ocean targets kids ages 3 (and toilet trained) up to 12. It is further divided into age-specific groups: Aquanauts (3 to 5 years old), Explorers (6 to 8 years old) and Voyagers (9 to 12 years old).

Note that on Freedom, Odyssey, Oasis, Wonder, Icon and Utopia of the Seas, Royal Caribbean's kids clubs are divided into AO Babies (6 to 36 months), AO Juniors (3 to 5 years old) and AO Kids (6 to 12 years old) . On these ships, you'll likely find extra-large AO Kids play areas where school-age children can choose play areas and activities based on their interests, rather than all the kids of the same age playing together.

Related: Cruising with kids: 10 mom-tested tips for smooth sailing

Tweens and teens ages 13 and up can participate in teen activities or hang out in their ship's lounge and club. The upper age limit for Royal Caribbean's teen club is 17. Once you're 18, even if you're still in high school, you can't participate in youth programming.

What activities are available for kids in Adventure Ocean on Royal Caribbean?

Activities will vary by ship facilities and by age group, but will typically include a mix of active games, arts and crafts (often inspired by the cruise destination) and video game play. Some ships have Adventure Science Labs for hands-on experimenting, while others have Imagination Studios where there's always an art project going on. Larger ships might also have the Adventure Ocean Theater where kids can watch or star in shows or play theater games.

Some Royal Caribbean ships, like the biggest Oasis-class vessels, have Play Spaces with climbing structures geared toward the younger cruisers, where kids can explore under parent supervision.

What activities are available for teens?

Many Royal Caribbean ships have spaces reserved for teenage cruisers, but the number, layout and names of these teen lounges vary across the fleet.

On Wonder of the Seas, for example, the indoor hangout is called Social100 and an outdoor gathering spot is called The Patio. On some ships, the Living Room is a place to chill with video games, table games (like foosball) and maybe even board games for organized competitions, and the Fuel Teen Club is the evening hangout with a DJ, dance floor and mocktail/soda bar.

Related: The 5 best cruises for teens

Activities might involve sports competitions, movie watching, video and board game play, scavenger hunts, evening dance parties or karaoke. Youth staff is on hand to supervise and get games and parties started, but the schedule for teens leaves more room for independent hanging out than the more structured program for the younger kids.

What about little cruisers too young for the kids club on Royal Caribbean?

Royal Caribbean offers the Royal Babies & Tots program (or AO Babies on select ships) for diaper-wearing kids too young for Adventure Ocean. Onboard nurseries are outfitted with age-appropriate toys and soft mats for crawling and playing. Many also have a nap room with cribs.

During select times, parents can play in a safe space with their babies and toddlers. Otherwise, they can drop off their little ones into the care of trained early childhood staff.

Related: Royal Caribbean's new cruise ship aims to be the ideal vacation for young families

Note that Explorer of the Seas, Adventure of the Seas and Jewel of the Seas are the only Royal Caribbean ships without a nursery.

What are the hours of Royal Caribbean's kids clubs?

Royal Caribbean's Adventure Ocean runs from 9 a.m. until 10 p.m. The Late Night Party Zone typically operates from 10 p.m. until 1 a.m. Schedules can change based on the itinerary, so check at the kids club when you board the ship for open hours on your sailing.

Often, the kids facilities will close from roughly noon to 2 p.m. and 5 to 7 p.m. to encourage family mealtime. The kids clubs are open when the ship is in port, and kids can attend activities in the nursery and Adventure Ocean even if their parents are off the ship. In these cases, kids in the youth program during lunch hours will enjoy lunch together.

Teen lounges often open later and might not have structured programming until the afternoon or evening.

Are the kids clubs free or does child care cost money?

Daytime and early evening kid and teen club activities are included in your fare, and you do not have to pay extra for these services.

After 10 p.m., kids attending Adventure Ocean, AO Juniors and AO Kids can join the Late Night Party Zone until 1 a.m. at an hourly rate of $10 per hour, per child.

Parents can play with their babies and toddlers in the kids club free of charge but nursery drop-off costs $6 per hour, per child, before 6 p.m. and $8 per hour, per child, after 6 p.m.

Related: Are cruises all-inclusive? What's actually included in your cruise fare

What else does Royal Caribbean offer families with children?

Royal Caribbean ships offer tons of activities that kids can enjoy with their peers or with their families. Pools, waterslides and splash areas are ideal for warm-weather fun, and all Royal Caribbean ships have rock-climbing walls (it's a Royal Caribbean signature). Shows of all kinds (musicals, ice skating, comedy, Promenade parades, AquaTheater and outdoor movies) are geared for all ages. Many ships offer miniature golf, ping pong, arcades and sports courts for basketball and other games.

The bigger ships have attractions including zip lines, surfing or skydiving simulators, bumper cars, escape rooms, carousels, laser tag and giant dry slides that will entertain kids and adults.

Related: Kids cruise free: 7 cruise lines offering family deals

Royal Caribbean dining options are always family friendly with kids' menus in the main dining room and specialty restaurants. Young cruisers will especially like casual eateries, such as Sorrento's Pizza , Johnny Rockets (burgers and shakes), Boardwalk Dog House (hot dogs) and El Loco Fresh (Mexican) found on select ships. Plus, there's always free soft-serve ice cream on the pool deck.

Bottom line: Royal Caribbean kids club

Royal Caribbean's Adventure Ocean, teen lounges and nurseries provide safe and fun spaces for kids to enjoy their vacation with peers, make new friends and give parents some time to do grownup things, like wine tasting and spa treatments (or simply enjoying a peaceful dip in the adults-only solarium). Some kids want to play there all day long, while others might dip in and out for an hour or two and spend the rest of their cruise with their family.

No matter how your children see it, Royal Caribbean dedicates a ton of space and creativity to making its youth programs some of the best at sea. Its varied offerings allow kids of all ages to find their happy places on board and your kids to grow up with Adventure Ocean over years of family vacations, from tot to teen.

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• The 5 most desirable cabin locations on any cruise ship
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Best Royal Caribbean Ships For Kids (COMPLETE GUIDE)

Royal Caribbean ships are famous for being family-friendly and a great way to spend a vacation with kids.

But not all ships are built the same.

Whether it’s water slides or pools to rock climbing walls and ice skating rinks, they provide an exhilarating experience for all ages.

Depending on what you and your kids are looking for, some ships may be much better than others for you and your family…

Table of Contents

What Are The Best Royal Caribbean Ships For Kids?

Royal Caribbean has a lot of family-friendly ships, but we highly recommend Symphony of the Seas, Harmony of the Seas , and Allure of the Seas for families with kids.

These ships are not just ordinary cruise ships. They offer a wide range of exciting activities, such as water slides, zip lines, and many more, that cater to the interests of kids of all ages.

From adventurous activities to fun-filled amenities, these ships go above and beyond to provide an unforgettable vacation experience for families.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship Features for Kids

Splash zones.

On your Royal Caribbean cruise, your little ones will love the baby splash zones designed specifically for them.

These areas provide a safe and fun environment for babies and toddlers to play in the water.

With gentle fountains, shallow pools, and adorable water features, your children can enjoy hours of water play while you supervise from a comfortable seat nearby.

Royal Caribbean ships with Baby Splash Zones:

• Adventure of the Seas

Allure of the Seas

• Anthem of the Seas
• Freedom of the Seas

Harmony of the Seas

• Icon of the Seas
• Independence of the Seas
• Liberty of the Seas
• Oasis of the Seas
• Ovation of the Seas
• Quantum of the Seas
• Spectrum of the Seas

Symphony of the Seas

• Wonder of the Seas

Royal Caribbean offers various kids clubs to cater to the interests and ages of your children.

The Adventure Ocean kids’ club is a popular choice, with activities tailored for different age groups, such as 3-5 years old, 6-8 years old, and 9-11 years old.

These clubs have age-appropriate activities like arts and crafts, games, and themed parties.

Your kids will be entertained by the trained staff while making new friends and exploring new interests.

Additionally, Royal Caribbean ships feature the Royal Babies & Tots nursery for the youngest travelers, providing a cozy and nurturing space for babies and toddlers.

Royal Caribbean Ships Who Offer The Royal Babies & Tots Nursery Drop Off

• Brilliance of the Seas
• Enchantment of the Seas
• Grandeur of the Seas
• Mariner of the Seas
• Navigator of the Seas
• Radiance of the Seas
• Rhapsody of the Seas
• Serenade of the Seas
• Vision of the Seas

Ships that DO NOT have Royal Babies and Tots Nursery:

• Empress of the Seas
• Explorer of the Seas
• Jewel of the Seas
• Majesty of the Seas
• Voyager of the Seas

Outdoor Adventure Areas

For the more adventurous kids, Royal Caribbean ships boast exciting outdoor facilities.

Your children can challenge themselves on the rock climbing walls or engage in friendly competition with table tennis matches.

Your kids can make a splash in the swimming pools and whirlpools, featuring thrilling water slides, which are available on some ships. For families seeking even more excitement, certain ships offer ziplines and mini-golf courses for hours of outdoor fun.

Remember, these experiences may vary depending on the specific Royal Caribbean ship you choose for your vacation, so it’s essential to check the ship’s amenities before booking to ensure it offers the features and activities that will make your family cruise unforgettable.

Entertainment and Activities on Royal Caribbean Ships

Family-Friendly Shows

On your Royal Caribbean cruise, you’ll find a variety of family-friendly shows that cater to all age groups.

The entertainment includes Broadway-style productions, ice-skating shows, and aqua theater performances. Catch a dazzling performance of “Grease” or “Mamma Mia!” on select ships like Oasis of the Seas and Allure of the Seas.

For a more thrilling experience, watch ice-skaters perform incredible stunts and choreography on the ice rink.

And don’t miss out on the heart-stopping performances at the Aqua Theater, where acrobats, divers, and synchronized swimmers put up a mesmerizing show against a backdrop of fountains and a giant video wall.

Interactive Game Zones

For an action-packed family time, visit the interactive game zones on your ship.

Royal Caribbean offers innovative spaces like the SeaPlex® – an indoor multi-purpose sports complex that features bumper cars, roller-skating, and a full-size basketball court on ships like Quantum of the Seas and Anthem of the Seas.

Test your surfing skills on the FlowRider® – a surf simulator available on select ships. And for the more adventurous, try out zip-lining, rock climbing, and even laser tag on certain ships!

In addition to these exhilarating activities, younger guests can explore the Adventure Ocean® youth programs – where activities are tailor-made for various age groups, featuring art classes, science experiments, and theater workshops.

Teenagers have dedicated spaces to hang out, play video games or just relax with new friends.

As you see, your Royal Caribbean cruise offers a world of entertainment and activities for the whole family.

Go ahead and enjoy these unforgettable moments while making memories that will last a lifetime!

Dining Options and Packages

Kid’s menus.

Your little ones will have plenty of options onboard Royal Caribbean ships with kid-friendly menus, designed specifically for their tastes.

Imagine them enjoying crispy mac & cheese fries, or selecting their favorite dishes from a dedicated children’s menu.

These menus include a roundup of kid-approved favorites from the “grownups” menu, allowing them to taste a bit of everything.

Family Dining

Family dining on a Royal Caribbean cruise combines the best of both worlds: enjoying quality time together while savoring a wide variety of delicious cuisine.

The main dining rooms and Windjammer Marketplace offer complimentary dining options, ensuring there’s something for everyone in the family.

For a more special dining experience, consider the specialty dining packages available on your cruise.

With options like the Unlimited Dining Package, your family can explore various specialty restaurants throughout the ship.

Plus, kids ages 6-12 dine at these specialty restaurants for only $12.99, and ages 5 and under eat free!

This allows your family to try new and exciting culinary experiences together without breaking the bank.

Remember, by reserving your specialty dining packages before you sail, the prices will be adjusted for your kids once you’re onboard, and the final charges will be reflected in your account statement.

Enjoy the vast array of dining options and packages on your Royal Caribbean cruise, and create unforgettable family memories around the table while exploring the high seas.

Best Ships for Kids

When it comes to family-friendly cruises, you can’t beat sailing on the Symphony of the Seas .

This ship boasts an array of activities that cater to children and teens alike.

Your kids will love the thrilling water slides at the Perfect Storm, and the Splashaway Bay aqua park offers the perfect spot for younger children to splash around.

Symphony of the Seas also features a colorful and engaging Adventure Ocean Youth Program.

This award-winning program offers educational and fun activities tailored to different age groups. With spaces like the Voyagers and Explorers clubs, your children will never want to leave!

Sports enthusiasts will enjoy numerous options, such as:

• Rock climbing walls
• Mini-golf courses
• Table tennis

The Harmony of the Seas should definitely be on your radar for fabulous family vacations. This ship offers the innovative and exhilarating Ultimate Abyss slide – the tallest slide at sea.

With 10 decks spanning its height, this slide will thrill even the most daring members of your family.

Harmony of the Seas also offers unique attractions, such as the ice-skating rink and the energetic AquaTheater.

While the kids skate or attend a spectacular water show, you can unwind at one of the many sun decks or indulge at a specialty restaurant.

Onboard activities for your children include:

• Flowrider Surf Simulator
• Splashaway Bay
• Adventure Ocean Youth Program

On the Allure of the Seas , your family will enjoy a holiday filled with unforgettable memories.

This ship is packed with kid-friendly options, such as the DreamWorks Experience, where they can meet their favorite characters from movies like Shrek and Madagascar.

The Allure Dunes Mini Golf is a must-try for families who love some friendly competition.

The vividly designed course will immerse your family in a fun and relaxing atmosphere as they traverse the challenging holes.

For the aspiring young chef in your family, the Cupcake Cupboard is a charming and delectable experience they will not want to miss.

Your kids can participate in a cupcake-decorating class and savor their scrumptious creations.

Additionally, the ship offers these activities:

Things for Kids To Do on A Royal Caribbean Cruise

Cruising with your kids on a Royal Caribbean ship is an exciting, unforgettable adventure.

They offer a wide variety of activities and amenities tailored specifically for children of all ages, ensuring your little ones won’t ever feel bored or left out.

Adventure Ocean® Youth Program caters to different age groups, offering both fun and educational experiences.

For instance, Aquanauts (ages 3-5) can become Certified Jr. Adventure Scientists by participating in cool experiments onboard.

Explorers (ages 6-8) can indulge their curiosity with hands-on science activities, such as studying fossils, meteorology, and even exploring mini volcanoes.

Voyagers (ages 9-11) get to enjoy movie time, science lab experiments, trivia, sports competitions, gaming, talent shows, and discos.

Apart from the youth programs, you’ll also find plenty of other attractions that will keep your kids entertained. Some ships offer:

• Rock climbing walls for little climbers who love reaching new heights.
• Table tennis for family competitions and good-natured fun.
• Waterslides for kids (and adults) who want to make a splash and cool down in style.
• Ziplines thrilling your little daredevils as they zip overhead.
• Mini-golf offering a great bonding activity for the entire family.

Keep in mind that not all ships have the same attractions, so when selecting a cruise, make sure to research which ship offers the best amenities for your kids based on their interests.

When you sail on a Royal Caribbean cruise, you’re giving your children an opportunity to experience a wide range of activities designed just for them.

With so many things to explore and enjoy, your kids’ adventure at sea will be one they cherish for years to come.

How Old Does A Baby Have To Be To Cruise With Royal Caribbean?

For most cruises, babies must be at least 6 months old on the first day of the vacation to cruise with Royal Caribbean.

However, for certain cruises such as transatlantic, transpacific, Hawaii, select South American, and other selected cruises, babies must be at least 12 months old as of the first day of the cruise.

This is because these types of cruises may involve longer periods at sea and require more extensive travel, which can be challenging for very young infants.

It’s always a good idea to check with the cruise line before booking to ensure that your baby meets the age requirements for your chosen itinerary.

Is Royal Caribbean A Good Cruise Line For Babies?

Royal Caribbean is a great cruise line for families with babies.

They provide cribs, high chairs, and strollers as well as babysitting services for parents.

Plus, a lot of Royal Caribbean ships have splash pools, play areas, and other activities that are designed for babies and toddlers specifically.

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More From Forbes

How to choose the best cruise ship cabin for you.

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Balcony staterooms on Norwegian Prima feature a Scandinavian color palette with some modern design ... [+] touches.

Choosing your cruise ship cabin or stateroom is an essential part of planning a dream cruise vacation. The right accommodation can enhance your cruise experience, providing you with a comfortable retreat after a day of adventure, but some choices may turn out to be an expensive mistake.

Here’s how to select the best cruise ship cabin for your needs, whether you're seeking breathtaking views, peace and quiet, convenience, or the best value.

Cruise Ship Cabin Grades

From motel-sized inside cabins to luxurious suites that rival the most expensive land-based hotels, cruise ships offer a range of accommodation grades to suit all preferences and budgets:

Interior Cabins : The most budget-friendly option, these cabins are located inside the ship and have no windows. Although they are often just as spacious as oceanview cabins, the lack of natural light may be off-putting to some.

Oceanview Cabins : Offering a window or porthole, these cabins provide natural light and views of the ocean or ports, a good middle-ground option. On modern ships, such cabins will likely be located towards the bottom of the ship, as balcony cabins now dominate ship exteriors.

Balcony Cabins : These cabins feature private balconies allowing direct access to ocean breezes and private views. These cabins are perfect for those who prefer to enjoy the scenery privately.

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Some ships offer cabins with direct access to the promenade deck, while the largest ships, including MSC World Europa , offer balconies overlooking an internal courtyard or promenade.

The newest, largest cruise ships such as Royal Caribbean's 'Icon of the Seas' offer a huge range of ... [+] cabin grades and locations.

Suites : The most spacious and luxurious option, suites often come with extra amenities and services, ideal for travelers looking for a premium experience. Separate bedrooms, wraparound balconies, and even butler service are some common features of cruise ship suites.

Pioneered by Norwegian Cruise Line, solo traveler cabins are becoming more common across the industry. Whereas for many years solo cabins were usually interior grade, there are now oceanview and even balcony cabins available for solo travelers on some lines.

Consider The Location

Perhaps more so than the accommodation grade, the cabin location can significantly impact your cruise experience.

Top-to-bottom : Cabins on lower decks are usually cheaper with the added benefit of experiencing less movement in rough seas.

However, depending on the size of the ship, they could be farther from entertainment and dining areas. On big ships, there may be 10 or even more flights of stairs between your cabin and the pool, sun deck, buffet, and other amenities found at the top of the ship. There will be elevators, of course, but you should expect queues at busy times.

Cabins on higher decks will provide better views from balconies and suites, and good access to many of the ship’s amenities, but passengers may feel the ship's movement more. You may also hear more noise from outdoor activities on the pool deck.

Cabins on middle floors offer the best combination of access to facilities and less movement in the event of rough seas.

Front-to-back : Just as important as the deck number is the cabin’s location between the ship’s front and rear.

Cabins located at the very front and very back of the ship will experience significantly more movement in the event of rough seas, so choose a cabin towards the middle of the ship if you’re facing multiple sea days or sailing off-season.

Inside cabins on the 'P&O Arvia' cruise ship are a good value accommodation option. They can be ... [+] configured with a double or twin beds.

It’s also worth knowing that most cruise ships feature main dining venues at the rear and the main theater at the front.

The Budget Accommodation Choice

When choosing a cabin, start with understanding your budget. Decide how much you’re willing to spend and remember that while the cabin is important, you’ll also want to budget for on-board activities, excursions, beverages, and other expenses.

If budget matters above all else, an interior cabin is a wise choice. You could also save money by booking a saver fare offered by some cruise lines.

These fares typically don't allow you to select your cabin in advance. This will likely result in you being allocated a cabin at the front or back of the ship, but it will save you money.

Questions To Ask Yourself

If you have more flexibility in your budget, consider what’s important to you in accommodation. If you plan to spend a lot of time in your cabin, you might value a balcony or a spacious room more. Families might look for cabins with connecting doors or extra bed options.

Before booking, read reviews of the ship and specific cabins on websites such as Cruise Critic or watching YouTube reviews. Previous travelers can offer invaluable insight into noise levels, views, and overall satisfaction.

Examine the ship’s layout to see where your cabin is in relation to key areas like the lido deck, dining rooms, and entertainment venues. Consider potential noise from above or below your cabin, especially if it’s immediately above or below a dance floor, crew area, or near the pool.

Your cruise itinerary might also influence your choice of accommodation. For scenic cruises, such as those in Alaska or the Norwegian fjords , a balcony might be worth the splurge to enjoy the magnificent views in relative peace. A balcony breakfast while sailing along a fjord will be an experience to remember.

On the other hand, if you plan to spend most of your time exploring ports and partaking in onboard activities, the type and location of cabin might be of less importance.

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Royal caribbean redefines after-business activities..

Your meetings have wrapped up for the day. You’ve accomplished your business objectives. Now it’s time to enjoy the best of what Royal Caribbean has to offer – our exclusive onboard activities! With the most innovative ships at sea and an exhilarating assortment of activities around the corner, your event attendees will always have something new – and exciting – to experience.

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Onboard Activities and Experiences

Choose from thrilling physical challenges or relaxing ways to unwind. Our variety of onboard activities means you can pick the perfect experiences to best suit your group’s interests.

Action & Adventure

• Rock-Climbing.
• FlowRider Surf Simulator*.
• Zip Lining*.
• Circus School*.
• iFly Sky Diving Simulator*.
• Aqua Park and Waterslides*.
• Bungee Trampoline*.
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Fun & Games

• Poolside Activities and Games
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• Roller Skating*
• Bingo and Casino

• State of the Art Fitness Center
• Spinning, Aerobic, Pilates and more classes available!
• Personal Training
• Running/Walking Track

• Gift Shops and Boutiques
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• Wine Tasting and Cooking Demonstrations

Rest & Relaxation

• Vitality Wellness program
• Full Service Spa offerings facial treatments, massages, acupuncture and more!
• Pools and Whirlpools for families and adults only

*Available on select ships

Onboard Activities Gallery

Rock Climbing & Basketball Court

Flow Rider - Surf Simulator

iFly - Sky Diving Simulator

H20 Zone - Family Water Park

Seaplex - Bumper Cars

Casino Royale

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Main Pool Deck

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

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The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

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