irish traveller jokes

20 Funny Irish Jokes That You Should Know!

Categories Culture and Food

Along with the so-called Irish temperament, it is no secret that Irish are famous for their wicked sense of humor.

The Irish just had to seize every opportunity to make a pun, point out an irony, make fun of their love for beer or whiskey – even the dead aren’t spared. And don’t forget those silly Saint Patrick’s Day jokes, either!

Here are 20 of the best Irish jokes to get your friends Dublin over with laughter. 

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20 Best Irish Jokes That You Should Know!

Shamrock jokes, leprechaun jokes, irish day off jokes, sunday rest day joke, drunk irish jokes.

Q: How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?

    A: The rain gets warmer.

An American lawyer asked Paddy: Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

Paddy answered/asked: Who told you that?

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Ireland who?

Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.

Q: How do you know if an Irishman is having a great time?

     A: He’s Dublin over with laughter.

Q: What do you call an Irish baker?

     A: Definitely a gingerbread man! 

Never iron a four-leaf clover…

     You don’t want to press your luck.

Q: What do you call a fake Irish stone?

    A: A Shamrock!

Q: What’s a leprechaun’s favorite music genre?

     A: Sham-rock and roll.

Q: Why shouldn’t you borrow money from a leprechaun ?

     A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?

    A: Small talk.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. A few hours into work, Paddy tells Murphy he wants to get the day off. “ I’m gonna’ pretend I’ve gone mad! ”

So Paddy climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts “ I’m a light bulb, I’m a light bulb! ” as Murphy watches in astonishment.

The foreman tells him, “ Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad. ”

As Paddy leaves the site, Murphy starts packing his things to leave as well.

“ Where do you think you’re going? ” asks the foreman.

Murphy answers, aghast. “ Well, I can’t work in the friggin’ dark! ” 

Liam left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, On Sunday afternoon, he was found in a tree by a farmer,  “ What happened? ” asks the farmer.

Liam answers, “ My parachute failed to open! ”

“Well,” the farmer said. “ If you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday. ”

Q: Did you know why God invented whiskey?

A: To prevent the Irish from ruling the world!

Old man Murphy and old man Sean are contemplating life when Murphy asks, “ If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”

” I’d rather have Parkinson’s ”,  Sean answers.

“ And why is that? ” asks Murphy.

“ Because it is better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle! ”

Murphy, Collin, and Celia are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,

“ Your mum’s the best shag in town! ”

Everyone expects a fight, but Collin ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and orders a pint of Guinness at the other end of the bar.

Several minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,

“ I just screwed your mum, and it was grand! ”

Again Collin ignores him, and the drunk goes back to the other end of the bar for another pint.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “ Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread! ”

Finally, Collins tells him. “ Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed! ”

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “ What’s your name and address? ” 

He answers, “ I’m Daniel, of no fixed address. ” 

The cop then turns to the second drunk and asks the same question. 

He replies, “ I’m Shane, and I live in the flat above Daniel. ”

Every night, an Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. He consumes each shot, pays the barman, and leaves.

One night, the bartender finally asks him why he always drinks exactly three shots.

“ It’s one for me and one for each of my brothers, ” he tells the bartender. “ One is in America and the other is in Australia, and we do this to feel like we’re all still drinking together. ”

A few weeks later the Irishman only orders two shots of whiskey.

“ Oh no, ” the barman says. “ I’m sorry for your loss. Was it the one in America or Australia? ”

“ What? ” The Irishman looks confused, then glances at the whiskey glasses. “ Jesus no, it’s nothin’ like that. It’s just that I’ve decided to stop drinking. ”

A drunk Irishman is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is swerving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “ So, ”  the cop says to the drunk driver, “ where have ya been? ” 

“ Why I’ve been to the pub of course ,” slurs the drunk. 

“ Well, ” the cop tells him, “ it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening ”.

 “ I did all right ,” the drunk answers with a smile. 

“ Did you know, ” the cop stands straight and folds his arms across his chest, “ that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? ” 

“ Oh, thank heavens, ” the drunk exclaims. “ For a moment there, I thought I’d gone deaf. ”

In New York, Seamus was tending bar when a fellow Irishman comes in and orders a beer and a shot. A few minutes later, another comes in and they start a conversation. 

“ Let me buy you a drink in memory of my motherland, Ireland, ” the first offers. 

“ Ireland ?, I’m from Ireland too. I come from Dublin . Let’s drink to Dublin! ” says the second. “ Dublin? Why I grew up there. Went to St. Mary’s. ” the first man replies. 

“ Me too, ” answers the second. “ Seamus, another round! ”  the first tells him

And so it went. A short time later another Irish guy comes in and asks, “ Hey Seamus, What’s going on here today? ” 

“ Nothing much,” the bartender replies, “ Just have the O’Reilly twins in drunk again. ”

In a pub, the barman says to Paddy, “ Your glass is empty, fancy another one? ”

Paddy looks at him incredulously and says, “ Why would I be needing two empty feckin’ glasses? ”

A drunk Irishman is stumbling through the woods, when he chances upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and recognizes the smell of alcohol, so he asks the drunk. “ Are you ready to find Jesus? ”

The drunk shouts, “ Yes, I am. ”

The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks, “ Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “ No, I haven’t found Jesus. ”

The preacher dunks him into the water again for a bit longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “ Have you found Jesus, me brother? ”

The drunk shakes his head, “ No, I haven’t found Jesus. ”

This time the preacher dunks the drunk in the water again and holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he starts kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “ For the love of God have you found Jesus? ”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher: “ Are you sure this is where he fell in? ”

Ever heard about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of the dark stuff in just 30 minutes?

They’re calling it a Guinness World Record!

Hi, I’m Christine – a full-time traveler and career woman. Although I’m from the Philippines, my location independent career took me to over 40 countries for the past 8 years. I also lived in 3 continents – from the Caribbean, South East Asia to Africa. But despite living in several countries, my love for Ireland remains the same. A country that had been a part of my life since I was 14 because of my love for Irish music and bands. Ireland Travel Guides was born because of this passion and hopefully, in some little ways, this website will be able to help you on your next trip to Ireland.

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50+ Irish Jokes, One-Liners, and Hilarious Quotes

The Irish are known as great storytellers, and it’s for a good reason. Some of the greatest writers, such as James Joyce , are Irish . What you may not know however, is that the Irish are seriously funny.

When we were in Ireland a few years back, I remember being in a pub called Darkey Kelley’s just off Grafton Street (located at the Harding Hotel). There was a portly 70 year-old guy in there at a table with some friends while listening to a small band that was playing traditional Irish Folk music (which is something really enjoyable, if you haven’t had the chance).

There was only one table available, and the guys says to me “here, take this seat, lad.” I sat down, and he looks at me and goes “what are ye doin’?” Confused, I stand up slowly, and he says “no, no, I said ye kin sit down!” So, I sat. Then he looks at me, almost with anger on his face, and says “but, ye can’t sit there!” I say, “oh, I’m sorry, is there another chair?” and he looks at me and just starts laughing. He was taking the piss out on me the entire time, and eventually bought me a beer.

Humor and Ireland go hand in hand. There’s synonymous with each other. Not all the jokes are great – in fact, some are quite bad. But the tradition behind jokes remains the same, and it’s really the light-hearted nature of a joke, good or bad, that really make the Irish stand out.

Here’s a great list of the classic Irish jokes, Paddy jokes (they’re a classic in Ireland), short jokes, and one-liners, both from famous Irish people and unknown Irish folklorists!

Irish One-Liners and Short Jokes

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish… You’re lucky enough!

Here’s health to your enemies’ enemies!

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

May the wind always be at your back.

May you be at the gates of heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead!

Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint and another one!

A cabin with plenty of food is better than a hungry castle

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven’t seen the joke yet.

A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished.An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me.

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

I can resist everything except temptation.

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Don’t talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung.

Every St. Patrick’s Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.

Everyone is wise until he speaks.

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. In heaven there is no beer…That’s why we drink ours here.

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish people from ruling the world.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you’re important and nice, but you take second place all the same.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy teenagers?

Wherever you go and whatever you do, May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

You never miss the water till the well has run dry.

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was. It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life

It’s a loser’s emblem (swastika), because the Nazis lost the war. It’s ridiculous to suggest we are involved with fascists. All my best friends are black, gay, Irish or criminals.

Many times, a man’s mouth has broken his nose.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of

Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Nodding the head does not row the boat.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

Praise the ripe field not the green corn.

Sometimes I think I am a genius. Then I realize I’ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another.

The Irish don’t know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it.

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are only three kinds of Irish men who can’t understand women— young men, old men, and men of middle age.

Jokes by Well-Known Irishmen

“What are you famous  for? Nothing, I’m just famous.” – Irish Murdoch

“Daddy, when I grow up I want to be an actor… Don’t be greedy, son, you can’t be both.” – Hugh Leonard

“I once told my dentist I’d prefer to have a baby than have a tooth out. He said, “you better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.” – Maureen Potter

“Is anything worn beneath the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order!” – Spike Milligan

“I’m not a complete idiot – a bit’s missing.” – Dusty Young

“Viriginity is very like a souvenir, sometimes priceless to its owner but worth much less in the open market.” – John B. Keane

“Why do you stand for election to get a seat?” – Donal Foley

“I often sit back and think “I wish I’d done that” and find out later that I already have.” – Richard Harris

“That’s the Irish all over – they treat a joke as a serious thing and a serious thing as a joke.” – Sean O’Casey

“It’s nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.” – Graham Linehan

Irish Jokes (Short Jokes, Long Jokes, and Paddys)

Paddy’s Doughnuts

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”

The Irish farmer and the Smart-Ass Barrister

A smart-ass English barrister and an Irish farmer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight.

Paddy is trying to sleep.

The Barrister thinks to himself “Irishmen are so stupid; I could put one over on this big man easily…”

So he asks if the Irishman to play a fun game to pass the time.

Paddy would rather sleep but courteously asks “What kind of a game?” and the barrister replies, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.”

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

Paddy doesn’t say a word but just reaches in his pocket pulls out a fiver and hands it to the Barrister.

Then it’s Paddy’s turn.

He thinks for a bit then says “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop and Goggles all the references he can find on the Net. He emails all his smart barrister friends but all to no avail.

Eventually, after an hour he gives up and turns to a sleeping Paddy then shakes him awake and hands him €500.

Paddy pockets the €500, turns in his seat and goes right back to sleep.

The barrister is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes Paddy up again and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the barrister €5.00 and goes back to sleep.

The Driving Priest

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Shopping for Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

‘S’cuse me,’ said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. ‘What was that all about?’

‘Nothing,’ he replied, ‘my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.’

The Texan in Ireland

A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

It Could Be Worse

I first met O’Reilly when I was in St Peter’s Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O’Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:’ What happened to you?’ asked Callaghan.

‘I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op’s plate glass window,’ mumbled O’Reilly.”Begorrah,’ exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, ‘It’s a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you’d have been cut to ribbons!’

The Scotsman

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says,

“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks ‘Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like’

Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers ‘A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. ‘Granted master’ retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. ‘Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?’ ‘You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle’ he asks the Genies. ‘Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them’

Antique roadshow

Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert.

It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure’ replies Paddy, ‘and I tink it must be some kind of a family heirloom.’‘I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?’‘

No,’ replies Paddy.‘Do yus think I shud?’‘Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.

Speeding Paddy

Paddy was minding his own business driving back to Limerick from Kilkee in County Clare.

As he entered the townland of Lissycasey, a big fat and near to retirement age Garda, you know the type, jumps out from behind a bush brandishing a speed gun and waves Paddy to a stop.

“You were speeding,” says the guard. “Doing thirty-three in a thirty zone.” He continued.

“Feckit Guard,” says Paddy “I didn’t see no fecking sign. It must be covered by them bushes.”

“Bushes or no bushes, I’m giving you a ticket and a hundred euro fine,” say’s Brian the Guard. Now show me your tax, licence, insurance and registration documents.” Brian continues.

“Shur, I don’t have any tax, licence, insurance and shur, the fecking car isn’t even mine. It belongs to the guy in the boot, I hit him over the head with me revolver when I stole his car.”

“Jaysus!” Said the Guard as he backed away and jumped over the nearest ditch while frantically calling for back-up on his radio.

Within ten-minutes back-up consisting of two unmarked and three patrol cars had arrived from Kilrush.

A helicopter hovered overhead and a nervous Superintendent wearing a bullet-proof vest approaches Paddy’s car where Paddy was nonchalantly listing to Lyric FM belting out classical music on the radio.

“Is this your car?” asks the Superintendent.

‘Tis to be sure.” Answers Paddy — all respectful like.

“And do you have tax, insurance and a license?”

“I do indeed,” says Paddy handing them out through the window.

“And do you have a gun and a body in the boot?”

“Jaysus No!” Says Paddy, “who told you that pack of lies?”

“Why he did — that garda over there,” says the Super.

“Well, the fecking liar,” says Paddy “I suppose he fecking told you I was speeding as well………”

The job interview

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100

Old man Murphy

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean

“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

Going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”

Tiger Woods

Irish jokes tiger woods

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW  thinks of everything”

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,

“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,

“I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”

Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

The Irishman and the travel agency

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”

The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”

Public Works Department

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

Paddy visits the supermarket

Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping

With his list, he went to reach for the largest cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it.

“Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you be wanting the biggest one,” he winked.

“You’ve got me” she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?”

“No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with me time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”

Can I blame it on Guinness?

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .

What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.

The Parachute fail

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in a tree by a farmer, What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

The plane disaster

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker.“Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to have failed.

There’s nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”

Five minutes later he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.”

A moment later, “Er…sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up and we will now be two hours later than expected.

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder.“Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night”

Paddy’s dog

Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and 3 whiskies, his money had run out…but poor Paddy wanted a few more. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros

He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note.

“I have kidnapped your dog ..I am sorry to do this, but I need the money ..”

Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree, in the park in 2 hours time, “Signed, Paddy from Cork.”

He pinned the note inside the little dog’s collar and told the dog to go straight home.

Two hours later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note …

“Here is your money .. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed “the dog-owner”

The local newsagent

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”

Paddy’s wife is deaf

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.

Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway,

He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.

In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?”

No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”.  Still no response.

He moves closer about 20 feet. ” Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?”  Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.

So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?

She replied,

FOR FUCK SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!!

Murphy goes to confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

Paddy in a hotel

Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd.

Have you looked for the door?”

Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.

There’s a second door that goes into the closet.

And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

Julia Roberts

An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage in a train.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”

And the Irishman was thinking,

“This is feckin great to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.”

Paddy and Joseph

Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night.

They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us”

Paddy called as he caught his breath.

“You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called.

“My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name and here I have to correct it!”

The finest single malt scotch

Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch.

The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.

He then takes the last one in the and does the same.

The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?”And Paddy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick

The Italian Lawyer

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says.

This catches the Irishman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’

The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.

He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on Google.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.

The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with the Irish!

The Weekly Raffle

Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:

Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.

The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.

Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted

Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.

‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’

An elderly woman in a bank:

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’

‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’

The parking space prayer

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.

An Irish man in Italy

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.

She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Skinny little Irish man

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next tohim.

The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’

The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’

The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……

I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’

The little white Irish man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!!!!

A Texan walks into an Irish pub:

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.

I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

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These are hilarious! There is an Irish comedian I love and I could hear all of these in his voice! Too good! I will be adding some of these to my pockets for future uses! Another great post!

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The best (or worst?) Irish jokes for a hearty chuckle this St. Patrick's Day

There is nothing the irish like more than sitting around a cup of tea, or a pint and telling stories or a good joke..

The Irish sense of humor and wit is renowned around the world. These are our picks of the best, or maybe worst, Irish jokes. There is nothing the Irish like more than sitting around a cup of tea, or a pint and telling stories or a good joke. 

The Irish sense of humor and wit is renowned around the world and here's our pick of the best, or maybe worst depending on how you look at it, of Irish jokes.

St. Patrick’s Day engagement

Image: Getty.

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley, proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled.

"I gave you a sham rock."

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What is an Irishman?

An Irishman is a man who ...

May not believe there is a God but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.

Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies. 

Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be. 

Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle. 

Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland. 

Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood. 

Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself. 

Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors. 

Scorns money, but worships those who have it. 

Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor. 

Celebrate everything Irish this March with IrishCentral's global community.

Learn a foreign language

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stopped and asked them, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"

The two lads looked at each other blankly and then stared back at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?'" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off, disappointed.  One of the boys turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"

"Why?" says the other youth, "That guy knew four languages, and look what good it did him!"

Texan farmer

(RollingNews.ie)

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

The Texan says: "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Job interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers: "We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire."

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

"Well," said he, "you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job."

"Why's that?" asked Pat.

"Well," said the manager, "you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this,' and you had 'Neither do I!'"

Baby on board

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

Bridge delivery

Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10-foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.

"Ah sure I'll give it a go," he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea, and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened.

"What do you think you are doing?" asked the policeman in a sharp tone.

"Sure I'm having me tea break," replied Paddy. '

"And what do you work at?" asked the policeman.

"Agh sure I deliver bridges!" smiled Paddy!

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Jimmy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.

"We have 99," replied the shop owner.

"Give us the lot," said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them, and left. He went to a tailor's shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know sir," he replied, "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

* Originally published in 2011. Updated in March 2024. 

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“Walking in the footsteps” of your Irish ancestors

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• Short Irish Jokes

Short Irish Jokes:  Easy to Remember, and Oh So Hysterically Irish!

When we tell short Irish jokes, we wrap the full range of Irish humor, wit and wisdom into a few memorable words! And we make people laugh!

These jokes from / about Ireland are special because they are ... well ... short!

For those of us with limited memory, but a desire to show our Irish side in a humorous way, these may be just the ticket.

And for many, many more Irish jokes - don't miss our main section on Irish jokes here.

Short Irish Jokes About Drinking

I know ... shocking right? Here is your opportunity to blend two favorite Irish pastimes, drinking and making each other laugh. See what you think of these!

Is It Possible?

An Irishman walked out of the bar and …

please, don't interrupt! Yes it is possible!

The Irish Jig

Learning the Irish jig involves two simple steps:

1) serve people a lot of alcohol and

2) make sure that you have locked the bathroom door.

It's A Gift!

"Paddy," said Murphy, "how does it happen that when you drink, you can’t remember people’s names?"

"I don’t know," said Paddy, "it's a gift."

Short Irish Jokes About Men and Women

Many short Irish jokes are about the differences between men and women.   They are not always the cleanest, most politically correct, or flattering ... but they are very often the funniest.

Please forgive us in advance ok?  And enjoy!

Question:  Do you know why hurricanes are all named after women?

Answer: When they come, they are wet and wild. When they go, they take your car and house with them.

A woman was in bed with her lover, telling her how stupid her Irish husband was. At that moment, the husband came home.

“What are you two doing?!” he asked.

“Didn’t I tell you that he was stupid?” the wife answered.

Ok, ouch. On behalf of all Irish husbands, I'm a touch offended by that!   Here's one more for good measure...

Question: Do you know what an Irish husband is?

Answer:  A man who has not kissed or touched his wife in 20 years but would kill the man who tries to.

Short Irish Jokes About Religion (Sort of)

Hey we've already crossed the line ... why stop now? Have a look at these short jokes with religious overtones. (Forgive me Father...)

Forgive Me Father, for I Have Sinned...

“Forgive me father for I have sinned,” an Irish girl said. “My boyfriend held my hand twice, kissed me three times and made love to me twice.”

“Daughter! Go home, squeeze seven lemons and drink it straight down,” the priest said.

“Will it help?” she asked.

“No, but it will get that silly smile off your face!”

Sin and Politics

Did we mention Irish humor often touches on sensitive and somewhat taboo topics?  Oh good.  We've covered our ... tracks.

Stop Talking Politics

“Father, I have just shot down two British lieutenants and I knocked off a British captain,” O’Donnell said in one breath.

“Father, are you listening? Father, have you fainted?”

“Of course I haven’t fainted, son,” the priest replied. “I am waiting for you to stop talking about politics and start confessing your sins.”

Out of Luck

Finnegan is drunk as usual. He walks into the church and goes straight to the confessional box.

There is silence. The priest waits for Finnegan to start talking. He waits and waits. Finally, the priest pounds on the wall !

“Ain’t no use in knocking,” Finnegan yells back. “There is no paper on this side, either!”

More From Paddy

Paddy often seems to draw the short straw, doesn't he?  Here's a quick pro tip for you... I don't think he minds! :-)  As long as he gets a laugh.

This next joke is borrowed with gratitude from The Irish Road Trip:

A Garda is driving down O’Connell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. He parks the car and runs over to them.

He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man replies, ‘I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode.’

The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question.

He replies, ‘I’m Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!'

And this one with gratitude from Brett Mitchell...

Mick walks into a barn and catches Paddy dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says "Oh no Paddy, what'ya doin'?"

Paddy says "Well me and Mary haven't been getting along in the bedroom lately and me therapist says I should so something sexy to a tractor."

Want More Irish Sayings?

It is probably obvious - at Irish Expressions, we love Irish wit and wisdom!  Learning Irish sayings gives us a deeper sense of connection with Ireland, wherever in the world we happen to be!

We have captured many of our favorite Irish sayings in an e-book called "77 Favorite Irish Sayings."  In it you will find Irish proverbs, jokes, limericks, blessings and quotes on many, many topics!

This fun, free guide is available to you to download.  Simply scroll to the bottom of the page and share your email address for instant access!

Had enough?  Good! Neither have we!

Irreverent humor is an essential part of Irish culture and heritage. Sharing jokes like these during special occasions can help you celebrate your personal Irish side!

For more information of this type, you may want to  visit our main section on Irish jokes here.

And if you enjoyed this page in particular, please share your feedback, opinions and stories with your Irish Expressions community!  You can do that by visiting us on  Facebook .

Your Ultimate Irish Expression

For many of us, the  ultimate expression of our Irish Side is our personal coat of arms (family crest). It  can be displayed on clothing, wall art, letterhead, tableware, personal accessories - the possibilities are endless. A powerful image of your family's history and origins can be at your fingertips, for free, in a matter of clicks.  Courtesy of our friends at House of Names.  Care to have a look?

Want to Feel More Connected to Ireland?  Here's How!

At Irish Expressions we believe everybody – well almost everybody! - has an "Irish side."  So how nice would it be to have access to a fun, free Irish experience, on demand, wherever in the world you happen to be?

Over the years we have compiled many free, downloadable resources including lyrics, recipes, games, jokes, blessings and much, much more.   Would you like to receive them ALL for FREE?  Simply share your email for instant access!

SEND MY FREE IRISH EXPRESSIONS!

A note from bruce.

If you would like to see more from Irish Expressions, you can find us on Facebook  and Pinterest . You can also communicate with us  using our contact form here.   And you can always reach out to me directly at [email protected]. 

However you choose to connect, we would love to hear from you!  Meanwhile, thanks for visiting!  I hope that we will meet someday, in person or online, and you can tell me about your own connection to the Emerald Isle.

Until then, best wishes -

Bruce Grady, and the team at Irish-Expressions.com

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8 Best Irish Jokes To Tell In A Pub

100 Fun Questions To Ask That Are Sure To Spice Up A Conversation

What is the very first thing that pops into your mind when you think of Irish people? Is it St. Patrick’s Day, beer, whiskey, pubs, dancing, or redheads? It doesn’t really matter, as all of these things have something in common — they are extremely fun. It’s no surprise then that they have inspired some of the best Irish jokes ever told.

Irish men and women know how to have a good time, and not just during holidays. They are fun and exciting people with a great sense of humor. In fact, one of the things that make Irish humor so unique is the variety of hilarious jokes.

Joke telling is a rather important part of Irish culture, and every Irish lad and lass relishes a good joke. So, if you are a regular at a local pub and want to entertain your friends, here are some of the best Irish jokes you should tell the next time you go out for a pint.

8 Irish Jokes That Prove the Irish Have the Best Sense of Humor

Best irish jokes about drinking, 1. the sneaky priest.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

The policeman says: “Have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” answers the priest.

The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine in your car?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

2. The Three Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.

The confused barman looks around and says: “Waiting for someone?”

The Irishman shakes his head.

The barman then asks: “Well, would it be better if I put all three shots in one glass?”

The Irishman looks up and replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I go to a pub, I order a shot for each of them, too.”

The following week, the Irishman comes into the bar and orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

“Oh no,” says the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

3. The Smart Bettor

A Texan walks into an Irish pub and calls out to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room gets quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man leaves the pub. Ten minutes later, the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is the bet still on,” asks the Irishman.

The Texan nods and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other guests cheer as the Texan watches in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says: “You were gone for ten minutes before you came back. Where were you?”

The Irishman smiles and replies: “Oh…Well, before taking your bet, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

Here’s One About the Irish and Their Relationship With God

4. the parking space.

An Irishman is roaming the parking lot for fifteen minutes, struggling to find a parking space.

He becomes desperate and starts praying. “Dear Lord, I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me today, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to church every Sunday.”

Then, suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without pause, the Irishman says: “Phew, never mind, I found one!”

Best Dark Irish Jokes to Share Over a Pint

5. mrs. murphy.

Mrs. Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after a Sunday mass. She’s all in tears, and she is seeking counsel.

The father says: “Mrs. Murphy, what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve dreadful news. My husband passed away last night.”

The father replies: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

“Yes, father,” Mrs. Murphy replies. “He said, ’Please Mary, put down that damn gun.’”

6. News From the Doctor

Dr. O’Mahony calls his patient and says: “Hello, John, I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news for you.”

“Oh, sweet Lord,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?,” asks the worried patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live. I’m sorry.”

“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “What can possibly be worse than this?”

Dr. O’Mahony replies, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Best Irish Jokes That Poke Fun at People From Other Countries

7. an irishman and an englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman waits for the owner to turn his back and then steals three buns, puts them into his pocket, and leaves.

He then says to the Irishman, “It took great skill and courage to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replies, “That’s just simple thievery. Let me show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then calls out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”

The owner, who had a rather uneventful day up until this point, decides to indulge the Irishman.

The Irishman asks him for a bun, and then he proceeds to eat it. He repeats the process two more times.

The confused owner says, “Okay, my friend, what’s the trick?”

The Irishman replies, “Check the Englishman’s pockets.”

8. The Tea Party

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

“I always stir my tea with my left hand,” says the Englishman.

“I always stir my tea with my right hand,” says the Scotsman.

“How about you?,” the interviewer asks the Irishman.

“Oh, me?” says the Irishman, “I always use a spoon.”

To Conclude

In my humble opinion, these are some of the best Irish jokes I’ve ever heard, and while some of them might be considered inappropriate, they are not meant to offend anyone. On the contrary, they serve to show that the Irish know how to find humor in every situation!

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8 Thoughtful Irish Travel Blessings (They’ll Love)

By Author Keith O'Hara

Posted on Last updated: October 27, 2023

Irish travel blessings can be a great way to wish someone off on a new adventure.

You’ll most commonly see them written in cards or in text/Whatsapp messages and they add a dash of ‘Irishness’ to your well wishes.

They tend to be either reasonably formal or very  lighthearted, with the latter often used during toasts .

Below, you’ll find our favourite Irish blessings for safe travels. Dive on in!

Table of Contents

Our favourite Irish travel blessings

Photos via Shutterstock

It’s worth keeping in mind that many Irish travel sayings online aren’t actually Irish /have no link to Ireland.

Below, you’ll find some Irish travel blessings that have a strong link to Ireland . Enjoy!

1. To an easy journey

Few traditional Irish travel blessings are as famous as the mighty ‘ May the road rise to meet you ‘ .

Although you’ll often see this one amongst Irish wedding blessings , the verse above focuses solely on wishing the listener/reader an easy journey.

Few Irish blessings for safe travels will spark nostalgia like this one.

“ May the road rise up to meet you. 

May the wind be always at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face, 

the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again, 

may God hold you in the palm of His hand.”

2. Keep in mind

One of the more popular Irish travel blessings, this next one is perfect for a farewell card for a friend or acquaintance that’s off on a new adventure.

You’ll also see it crop up in our Irish drinking toasts as it’s suitable for going away parties also.

“May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been ,

The foresight to know where you are going,

And the insight to know when you have gone too far .”

3. To good fortune

Although the term ‘ the Luck of the Irish ‘ comes from negative beginnings, it’s use here is acceptable.

Like most Irish blessings for safe travels, this one can be used to wish good luck and happiness to a person off on an adventure.

“May the luck of the Irish , Lead to happiest heights.

And the highway you travel, Be lined with green lights.

Wherever you go and whatever you do , May the luck of the Irish be there with you.”

4. To happiness

Next up is one of the shorter Irish blessings for safe travels and it’s steeped in meaning . It uses opposites to convey its message and tends to hook the listener from start to finish.

This one wishes a person that is at the beginning of a journey an easy path. It’s for that reason that it’s also often used as an Irish baby blessing.

“May you be poor in misfortune ,

Rich in Irish blessings, Slow to make enemies,

Quick to make friends , But rich or poor, quick or slow,

May you know nothing but, Happiness from this day forward.”

5. Green be the grass

This is another of several short Irish prayers for safe travel that tends to be used during wedding ceremonies. It’s also a popular Irish birthday blessing .

Short and sweet, it gets to-the-point from the get-go and it’s easy to recite.

“May green be the grass you walk on,

May blue be the skies above you,

That pure be the joys that surround you,

May true be the hearts that love you.”

6. Well wishes

Another good option for those of you looking for short Irish blessings for travels, this one can be used in a variety of manners .

You’ll regularly hear it used as a wedding reading along with several other short Irish wishes.

“May God give you… For every storm, a rainbow ,

For every tear, a smile, For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial . For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share, For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer .”

7. May the hand of a friend

Next is one of the more popular Irish travel sayings that follows the prosperity theme from start to finish.

You could also use this for a retirement toast or as part of a reading, if you like.

“May you always have work for your hands to do .

May your pockets hold always a coin or two.

May the sun shine bright on your windowpane .

May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.

May the hand of a friend always be near you.

And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.”

14. Lucky stars above you

Many of the most popular Irish blessings for safe travels revolve around a theme of ‘luck’, and this one is no different.

It’s also a good one to pop into a congratulations card for someone that’s had a baby as it is a thoughtful wish for the newborn at the beginning of their life.

“ Lucky stars above you, Sunshine on your way,

Many friends to love you, Joy in work and play.

Laughter to outweigh each care , In your heart a song,

And gladness waiting everywhere, All your whole life long.”

What Irish blessings for safe travels have we missed?

I’ve no doubt that we’ve unintentionally left out some brilliant Irish sayings for safe travel from the guide above.

If you have any Irish travel blessings that you’d like to recommend, let me know in the comments below and I’ll check it out!

Or, if you’d like to indulge in some more  ‘Irishness’ , hop into our guides to Irish slang , Irish jokes , Irish proverbs and funny Irish sayings .

FAQs about Irish prayers for safe travels

We’ve had a lot of questions over the years asking about everything from ‘What are some funny Irish sayings for safe travels?’ to ‘Which are the most meaningful?’.

In the section below, we’ve popped in the most FAQs that we’ve received. If you have a question that we haven’t tackled, ask away in the comments section below.

What is the traditional Irish blessing for travel?

The most traditional Irish prayer for safe travels is: “May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.”

What is the Irish saying for good journey?

If you don’t fancy the Irish travel sayings above, wish them ‘Go dté tú slán’, which means safe journey in Irish.

Keith O’Hara has lived in Ireland for 35 years and has spent most of the last 10 creating what is now The Irish Road Trip guide. Over the years, the website has published thousands of meticulously researched Ireland travel guides, welcoming 30 million+ visitors along the way. In 2022, the Irish Road Trip team published the world’s largest collection of Irish Road Trip itineraries . Keith lives in Dublin with his dog Toby and finds writing in the 3rd person minus craic altogether.

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Irish Traveller Jokes

3 irish traveller jokes and hilarious irish traveller puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about irish traveller that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Share These Irish Traveller Jokes With Friends

Witty Irish Traveller Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What is a good irish traveller joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.   "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.   And the most British thing of all? "Suspicious of anything Foreign "

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

Why do Irish travellers pray to God every Sunday.

So they can prey on everyone else the other 6 days.

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