travelling before marriage christian

Living Together Before Marriage: How to Have a Conversation With Someone Making the Wrong Choice

• By Jessika Schmit
• January 24, 2024

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Cohabitation before marriage is becoming increasingly common, even among Christians. Many couples believe it is practical, and even wise to live together before deciding to make a marriage commitment. But what does the Bible say about living together before marriage?

Table of contents

Is cohabitation a sin, living together before marriage: culture vs the bible, jesus engaged the culture, jesus pointed out the sin, jesus corrected with love and grace, what does the bible actually say about living together before marriage, an example of marriage in the bible.

While the Bible condemns cohabitation as a sin, many young couples are living together before marriage for one reason or another. How can Christians talk to friends or family members who are making this decision?

The country was midway through the pandemic when my younger brother announced his plans to move out of my parents’ house. His plans involved moving in with his girlfriend after dating long distance for just under a year. My family was astonished.

As a Christian household, we experienced a multitude of emotions. When someone we love or care deeply about makes a decision we fundamentally don’t agree with, we can easily react in anger, shock or maybe even grief.

But the words that follow are usually neither constructive nor edifying. Romans 15:14 tells us that we should be “filled with all knowledge and able to instruct one another.”

So how do we “instruct” or counsel a loved one against a decision that runs counter to God’s Word? The first step is to seek knowledge.

My Christian upbringing had taught me that living together before marriage was bad . But this situation inspired me to look to the Bible for myself. To find out what exactly it has to say about living together before marriage.

I found one story that specifically speaks to cohabitation — it’s the story of Jesus meeting a Samaritan woman.

How Jesus Confronted Cohabitation

John 4 gives us a perfect example of how Jesus lovingly interacted with a person who chose to cohabit before marriage. In this passage, Jesus was passing through a Samaritan town on the way to Galilee. There He meets a woman at the well drawing water, and He asks for a drink. This request surprises her. In the culture of the time, Jews and Samaritans rarely spoke or interacted with one another. 

In this story, three things stand out about how Jesus approached the conversation in a loving, edifying way.

God's Blueprint for a Healthy Marriage

Jesus and the Samaritan woman first strike up a conversation and discuss issues of the time, both social and spiritual.

For example, the woman asks, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” ( verse 9 ) and “Are you greater than our father Jacob?” ( verse 12 ). Jesus moves the conversation gradually to the spiritual. “Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again” ( verse 14 ).

Framing your conversation in the culture of today is important. More families, including Christian families, see cohabitation before marriage as acceptable than ever before. Living together before marriage is the new normal for many young adults in their romantic journey.

An article on the Institute for Family Studies website reports on research from the National Marriage Project. The article says that the most common reasons given for couples cohabitating are “convenience, financial benefits, or to ‘test a relationship.’ ” We can attribute these reasons to shifts in culture. So framing your discussion with the current culture in mind is helpful.

When asked about her husband, the woman replied that she had no husband. In verse 18 , Jesus confirms this and points out the truth of the situation, saying, “for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband.” He certainly didn’t shy away from pointing out the sin she was caught in.

The Scriptures may not explicitly talk about cohabitation before marriage with your significant other, but using God’s commandments and instructions, we as Christians are able to deduce that sexual immorality is a big deal to our Savior. 

Instead of condemning or shaming the woman living in sexual sin, Jesus offered her grace and compassion. In response, the woman went about town proclaiming the works of Jesus, and the Bible says that many “believed in him because of the woman’s testimony” ( John 4:39 ).

Jesus spent more time developing a relationship with this woman and intentionally revealing Himself and the Gospel to her than He did dwelling on her sins.

Only one sentence is devoted to calling out her sin. The rest is all about hope, redemption, and forgiveness.

The beauty of the Gospel is that we are not stuck in sin, but are given the chance to repent, turn away from it and be forgiven. We must not forget that, as Christians, we’re ultimately ambassadors of God’s grace , not His judgement.

If we are to lovingly counsel someone in God’s grace, what does the Bible actually say about living together prior to marriage? There are no verses in the Bible that explicitly use the word “cohabitation” (or the ancient language equivalent). Instead, we can look at what God does mention. 

In Genesis, when God is creating and ordering the world, He looks at His creation and says that it was good . You know what God said was not good? For man to be alone ( Genesis 2:18 ). So He created woman and the marriage covenant, saying, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” ( Genesis 2:24 ) and that was good . 

Don’t let that escape you. When God was creating a perfect world, He counted marriage among the good and perfect things that He had made.

Then came the fall of man, and sin entered God’s perfect design. Satan offered a distortion of God’s good plan, seducing and tricking Adam and Eve into seeking wisdom on their own terms — outside of God’s good and perfect plan.

Satan presented a counterfeit of God’s covenant. That’s ultimately what living together before marriage is — a counterfeit — instead of the perfect covenant of commitment God offered to His beloved creation.

Scholar Galena Rhoades writes ,

“But by living together already, both parties have likely developed a thought pattern of ‘what if this doesn’t work out,’ thinking you could just move out and move on, which can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage.” Galena Rhoades

God likened Himself to a bridegroom and the church as His bride. God modeled the marriage vow, His perfect covenant of commitment, to His people again and again throughout the Scriptures. He did not walk out on His people when they misbehaved or turn away when things got hard.* His grace didn’t walk away from the woman at the well living with a man who was not her husband.

We’re all, yes even Christians, capable of falling for Satan’s counterfeits, including the temptation of cohabitation before marriage under the guise of financial responsibility or convenience. The good news is that God does not allow us to sit in our sin forever.

He offers redemption and grace. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

We have hope, and so do our loved ones who have fallen into temptation and immorality.

*Focus on the Family is dedicated to bringing healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. But God’s design for marriage never included abuse, violence, or coercive control. Even emotional abuse can bruise or severely harm a person’s heart, mind, and soul. If you are in an abusive relationship, go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org .

© 2021 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Originally published on FocusOnTheFamily.com.

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• Topics: Biblical Sexuality , Living Together , Preparing for Marriage

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Christians and Cohabitation: What You Need to Know

• Hope Bolinger Author
• Published Feb 25, 2022

Our media promotes the idea of cohabitation, living together, before marriage . The logic behind it is, while living together, one can learn the quirks of a significant other, and determine if they live well together before tying the knot.

In 2019, Pew Research reported that a majority – 58 percent – of white evangelicals said cohabitation is acceptable if a couple plans to marry. Views on cohabitation become noticeably less Christian among younger respondents.

Now, what seems like the norm, cohabitation has worked its way into a step between dating and marriage.

But should Christians engage in this step? Is living together before marriage ok? In this article, we’ll dive into what Scripture says about cohabitation. Then we’ll talk about the myths associated with cohabitation, and how Scripture breaks down those myths.

What Does the Bible Say about Cohabitation?

As discussed in many other Crosswalk articles, the Bible doesn’t often have an explicit verse for our cultural norms in terms of dating and cohabitation, as neither really existed during the Old or New Testament.

However, we can look at cultural norms of biblical times to understand that living together = marriage in their minds back then. Living together before marriage was not an option.

In biblical times , after a man asked his bride to marry him, he would immediately start work on building an apartment as an addition to his father’s house. Only his father had the authority to declare when the apartment his son was building was finished.

In fact, when Jesus tells his disciples that he is “going to prepare a place for you” ( John 14:3 ), he is using wedding language. That is also why Jesus declares about when we'll go to heaven “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” ( Matthew 24:36 ).

In addition, Scripture does have a great deal to say about having sex before marriage . Most of the time, cohabitation involves sexual relations. Although, not always, it’s usually implied. We’ll address those couples who cohabit without having sex in a moment.

Scripture issues the following verses against having sex before marriage.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.  Hebrews 13:4

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  1 Corinthians 7:8-9

For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  1 Thessalonians 4:7

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.  Ephesians 5:3

 See more in this article .

God forbids sex before marriage because two become one when they engage in sexual intercourse ( Mark 10:8 ). If someone has sex with someone else, and they don’t end up staying together for a lifetime, the separation creates a painful and incredible wound.

To understand an analogy for this, check out this clip from the movie Fireproof .

Can You Live Together Even if You Don’t Have Sex?

As for the couples who choose to live together, but not have sex, what does Scripture say about that? Since they’ve chosen to abstain from sexual sin, do they get off the hook?

We do have to keep in mind that we don’t want to allow the devil to get a foothold ( Ephesians 4:27 ). If we live in the same proximity as our significant other, sleep in the same bed, etc., we’ll face enormous temptations to have sex before marriage, or otherwise cross phyiscal boundaries .

To avoid putting ourselves in a position where we can compromise our minds or judgment, or allow the devil to tempt us, we should abstain from living together until we tie the knot.

That way, we can avoid the temptation to fall into sin, even if we have the best intentions or don’t think we will succumb to sin.

We should take a leaf out of Joseph’s book, who in his pursuit of holiness literally fled from sin when Potiphar’s wife wanted to sleep with him. He didn’t try to toe the line—in fact he ran so fast, he left his robe!

The Myths of Cohabitation

Yet, especially in the generations of younger Christians, it seems like the idea of cohabitating before marriage pervades in the minds of many .

Especially due to myths perpetuated by popular media, we’ve fallen prey to believing this solution will not only ease us into marriage, but make our marriages happier in the long run.

After all, if I know the quirks and habits of my significant other, in a home setting, before we get married, we can know what obstacles to tackle head-on when the marriage starts. Instead of being surprised and having to roll with the punches before we declare, “I do.”

But even that scenario above fails to fit what tends to happen with cohabitation. Let’s dive into 3 of the most common myths about cohabitation, and a better solution for each.

Myth #1: Living Together before Marriage Ensures a Happier Marriage

This try it before you buy it myth seems to pervade most of all out of these 3 myths. I’ve seen similar arguments made for why Christians should engage in sexual relations before marriage. “How can you know what you like, going into your wedding night, if you’ve never had sex before?”

First, we have to understand the purpose of marriage. Marriage reflects the relationship of God and the church ( Ephesians 5:25-27 ). The church doesn’t have a try before you buy it mentality. You can’t do a test run of Christianity. In fact, Scripture speaks out against an on-the-fence faith ( Revelation 3:16 ).

Christianity (the marriage of God and the church), is an all-in sort of deal. And marriage works the same way.

Also, couples who cohabit before marriage still tend to disagree on issues such as finances, among others. In fact, couples who live together experience high rates of divorce .

Just because you “test drive” something doesn’t mean that something doesn’t have issues or areas for improvement.

The better way? 

If you’ve dated for a while, and you can see a future, and God appears to be giving you the go ahead, get married. Marriage is by no means easy and doesn’t come without conflicts. But husbands and wives work as a team to resolve issues and grow closer together, within the safety of a lifelong commitment to each other.  

Myth #2: It’s a Temporary Solution

Many couples may intend to live together for a short while to either help each other financially, save for a wedding or marriage, or plan to get married shortly after they move in together.

As mentioned in the article linked above, sixty percent of the couples who live together won’t end up married. They either split apart or stay in a cohabitation relationship, without the commitment of marriage.

The problems with this? Without a covenant, one member of the relationship can split apart the relationship without any strings attached. This leaves the other member vulnerable and very much wounded, left with years of scars. Or, by staying in a cohabitation relationship, you never make the commitment before God to honor your spouse above all others and to stick through the hard times.

The better way?

A marriage requires a lifetime commitment. Although, yes, couples do divorce, a marriage is meant to be a covenant between ourselves and another human being, whom we will work to grow closer to Christ throughout our whole lives.

Yes, it requires a lot more than just merely moving in with someone. But it prevents us from fleeing from the other person the moment something gets difficult.

Myth #3: Marriages Have More Domestic Violence and Child Abuse than Cohabitation Relationships

Someone may enter a cohabitation relationship because it seems like the safer option. After all, if a significant other shows signs of violence or abuse toward their partner, or the child of their partner, they have an easier out.

However, a number of studies show cohabitation relationships can tend to have more child abuse and domestic violence: ( PubMed , The Christian Science Monitor , Rewire , and Institute for Family Studies ).

Although, this is not to discount domestic abuse and child abuse that does happen in monogamous relationships. That is still rampant, even in Christian homes.

I recently talked with the founder of Change Her Story , who experienced domestic abuse from a man who claimed to be Christian. It is likely happening at your church, and does need to be addressed significantly more.

Christians should check out these resources on domestic abuse .

Although we should have ready solutions for Christians who live in abusive relationships (safe havens, resources, places and homes they can go to and trust), we do need to keep in mind the trends listed above.

Marriages tend to have lower rates of domestic and child abuse than cohabitation does.

Perhaps these trends exist because the significant other has an easier out when they commit abuse. If they hurt their partner, they can just as easily leave them behind in the hurt with few consequences.

Although our culture promotes cohabitation, it doesn’t often lend its way into the fairytale presented on sitcoms.

Couples who cohabit can often end up severely hurt or scarred from a torn relationship or face just as many problems as a married couple might, without the safeguard of a marital commitment.

Christians should avoid this cultural trend and pursue a godly marriage.

Hope Bolinger  is a literary agent at C.Y.L.E. and a recent graduate of Taylor University's professional writing program. More than 450 of her works have been featured in various publications ranging from Writer's Digest to Keys for Kids. She has worked for various publishing companies, magazines, newspapers, and literary agencies and has edited the work of authors such as Jerry B. Jenkins and Michelle Medlock Adams. Her column "Hope's Hacks," tips and tricks to avoid writer's block, reach es 6 ,000+ readers weekly in the Serious Writer newsletter . Her modern-day Daniel,  Blaze  (Illuminate YA) released in June, and they contracted the sequel  Den  for July 2020. Find out more about her here .

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/kieferpix

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GOSPEL ON REPEAT

DAVEMIERS.COM

Should unmarried Christian couples holiday alone together?

I thought the answer to this question was fairly straight forward. My friend, Pete Ko, wrote a great blog post a week ago with a really well thought out answer. The thing I’ve been surprised by is how negative some of the comments have been in response to his post.

I think it’s incredibly unwise for unmarried Christian couples to holiday alone together and I would strongly advise against it. Pete agrees . Here are the reasons he proposes:

• Don’t trust yourselves.
• God doesn’t want us just to be minimalists in obedience.
• We are called as Christians to be above reproach.
• You can wait. You really can.
• Fight the idol of pleasure at any cost.

Read his reasons in greater detail here .

Christian? Planning a trip with your gf/bf? Perhaps think again…

6 Replies to “Should unmarried Christian couples holiday alone together?”

Geez, those comments are grumpy, aren’t they :)

One thing I noticed is that every one of them that disagrees with his points is going on the attack. Methinks someone is fighting off a guilty conscience.

I think it’s fine to disagree with Pete’s points (I don’t though, I think they are spot on!), but as soon as you turn it into an attack, it belies your actual argument, which is “but I did that, and _I’m_ not that bad… am I?”

hey rodeo clown – i reckon you’re prbs right about some trying to justify their own behaviour.

hope you’re well!

I agree with everything said, except have to raise a problem with one of Pete’s comments.

Sometimes you DO have to say “to hell with what people think”.

I posted a really long post on the blog which I won’t repeat the whole thing here. But the short version:

I spent the first 30 years of my life at a church that was entirely about appearances. The goody two shoes couples in my church who would barely even make eye contact in public were the ones secretly having sex – caught out most of the time when they had their babies just a few months or even a few weeks after their weddings.

In about a ten year period, I was one of only a very small number (perhaps the only person!) who was still a virgin when they got married. My husband was not but no one can hold against him what he did before he became a christian and was forgiven by God.

Yet because we were open and held hands and occasionally did things like kiss on the cheek, I did his tax returns, lent him my car a lot – mostly just basic things I do for all my friends, male or female, I had terrible rumours started about us having premarital sex – by people who had known me since I was a baby and should have known me far better. I had women of the church coming and confronting me “in love” (hahahaha) about the sex they believed I was having – not because they had any proof, but because of the rumours going around, and their belief that holding hands in public and doing someone’s tax return meant you must be having sex!

Apparently I must have had sex with a lot of my female friends too if holding hands and hugging, lending them your car and doing their tax returns means you’re having sex!

It saddened me deeply to having my character trashed and accusations thrown at me by people who should know me better based on absolutely nothing sensible or logical at all – while I know beyond a doubt they did nothing about those who were really were having sex. Mainly because before they fell pregnant, they refused to believe that they were having sex, and afterwards they said nothing (other than get married immediately) because they were too embarrassed to admit their golden kids had fooled them so well.

And that’s why so many young people are leaving many churches in droves – because good people who not only have done nothing, but have done nothing a sane person could twist into appearing to having done something wrong, get their reputations trashed by gossips and told off by the church leadership for something they haven’t done, while goody two shoes who the leadership adore sleep around and do even worse things and nothing is ever said – even when they are caught out.

My first husband’s roomate dated one of my best friends, and the entire time they dated, he tried to force her to have sex. He used to bully and even threaten her to try to make her do it, and yet she refused. I repeatedly begged the pastor to do something about it, because I genuinely feared he would rape her if they didn’t break up soon (and I think he would have if they hadn’t broken up a few months later), and yet I was told to not speak of it again because apparently speaking to the pastor in confidence about something you saw with your own eyes is “gossiping”, and the roomate was never spoken to. Yet when that roomate broke up with my friend and started spreading rumours about me and all her other close friends in the church to get back at her, when I went to the pastor to ask him to stay something to the roomate about spreading untrue gossip, I was just told that I should refrain from anything that could be remotely twisted into confirming the gossiped lies, and still nothing was said to the roomate because suddenly a malicious gossip is unimportant, it’s up to their victim to try and prove they haven’t done what the gossip is about.

The church then paid for this roomate to go on a year’s tour with a christian band, totally sponsored by the people in the church and the church itself, despite what he did to my friend, and the other very unchristian like behaviour (sleeping around after they broke up etc), because he was part of the “cool” crowd who could do no wrong.

He left the church about a month after he got back from that year and has never gone back. He ended up marrying another friend of mine after he got her pregnant the first day they met.

So while I think it’s great to set a good example and do everything SANE possible to be above reproach – you will always find churches with gutter minded gossips who will dream up something from nothing, and in those cases, if you fall victim to their gutter minds, all you can do is say to hell with what they think and hold your head high – knowing you aren’t perfect, but at least you’re trying to do the right thing and aren’t tearing others down with gossip.

This probably makes me a “bad Christian”, but I do want to share my story.

Yes, we are all humans and we’re bound to give in to temptations sooner or later. But I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now (we can’t get married yet because we became a couple young and we still don’t have enough money to build a life together even though we’ve been wanting to) and we’ve been “holiday-ing” together ever since. We would go to different cities and countries and explore their culture, because we both love traveling. Yes, we’d share the same room because it’s cheaper, but not the same bed. So while I am aware that we cannot fully trust ourselves because we are only human and we make mistakes, I don’t think I need a holiday to make me want to blemish my “purity” and decide to have pre-marital sex. Because let’s face it, if I wanted to – if we both wanted to, then we’d have already done it. But we haven’t. Because I do believe that sex is only for married people and that’s what he and I both want, too.

As for those people who gossip and judge about my boyfriend and I are doing holiday-ing together, I couldn’t care less what people think. I don’t feel the need to explain or feel the need to prove that I’m still pure and keeping my promise to God, because I know He already knows that I am.

That is just my two cents. Call me a hypocrite or a bad Christian or what-not, but I’ve said what I needed to say. Thank you.

I wrote on this topic a few weeks ago without realising you had done the same. My rationale is interesting to compare with Peter’s: http://www.kierancarr.net/christian-couples-dating-go-holidays-together-alone/ . It’s obviously still a very live issue.

Peace, Kieran

Thanks Kieran.

Comments are closed.

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The Healthy Marriage

Build a Better Marriage One Step at a Time

Before You Say ‘I Do’: Essential Questions For Christian Couples Before Marriage

March 15, 2023 By Guest Writer

This is a guest post by Linda Bunnell a writer and relationship expert. You can read her bio below.

Couples considering marriage should ask essential questions to ensure they’re spiritually prepared. We explore relevant topics and questions for Christian couples before marriage. 

Discover critical topics to discuss as a couple and so you will be informed and prepared for your future together. we cover the basics in this practical guide of essential topics and questions you should address before saying ‘I Do.’

This post contains some affiliate links to products that I use and love. If you click through and make a purchase, I’ll earn a commission, at no additional cost to you. Read my full disclosure  here .

Ready to take the plunge into marriage? Make sure you’re properly prepared by asking these essential questions for Christian couples before they say “I Do.”

Marriage is a sacred institution that signifies the union of two individuals in a lifelong commitment. For Christians, marriage is not just a legal contract between two people but a covenant relationship ordained by God.

Therefore, it is essential to carefully consider the decision to marry and prepare for it in a way that honors God and reflects His plan for marriage.

This article is specific for couples who met online or through a match-making service like ‘ Christian singles near me . ‘ The process doesn’t end when you make a connection you like. It has only begun. The most important work begins once you consider this person as a future spouse.

Suggested : 7 Biblical Marriage Principles Every Couple Should Understand

If the relationship has potential to be serious, it’s time to prepare by asking essential questions that align with your faith and values to help you and your partner understand each other better.

For Christian couples, these questions dig deeper into more profound aspects of life, values, and beliefs.

By asking these questions, you can determine if are genuinely compatible and called to a lifelong commitment.

We will explore some essential questions that Christian couples should ask before marriage in order to create a healthy relationship.

These questions cover topics like…

• Communication Style
• Money and Finance
• Expectations
• Building a Family

By asking and answering these premarital questions honestly and openly, couples can strengthen their relationship, build trust, and establish a firm foundation for their marriage.

There is a little known secret of connecting with your spouse on a deep, intimate level. This little known formula for bonding and creating a close relationship with your spouse is not complicated or confusing. >> Click here to learn how <<

In This Article

What is a Christian Marriage?

A Christian marriage is a covenantal relationship between two individuals who have made a commitment to love and honor each other in the sight of God. It is founded on the belief that marriage is a sacred institution that is ordained and blessed by God. 

Every successful marriage should be built on a spiritual foundation.

Christians believe that marriage is not just a human contract but a spiritual bond that reflects the relationships between Christ and his Church.

In a Christian marriage, the couple is expected to ask questions beforehand to honor and submit to each other as equal partners after marriage, with the husband assuming the role of the head of the household as prescribed in the Bible. A couple should live out their faith together, pray together, attend Church together, and raise their children in a Godly manner.

Christian marriage is also characterized by love, forgiveness, and sacrifice. Because of this, each couple should ask sincere questions about loving each other unconditionally, forgiving each other’s mistakes, and being willing to sacrifice for each other’s happiness and well-being.

Moreover, Christian marriage is believed to be a lifelong commitment that cannot be dissolved except by death.

The Role of the Church in Supporting Your Marriage

The Church can play a significant role in supporting and strengthening marriages by providing spiritual guidance, community support, and practical resources to couples.

One way the Church can support marriages is through premarital counseling, advice , and education. Many churches offer premarital counseling to help couples prepare for the challenges of married life.

These programs often cover topics such as communication, conflict resolution, and finances and help couples establish a solid foundation for their relationship.

The Church can also provide ongoing support and resources to married couples through marriage enrichment programs, Bible studies, and small groups. These groups offer opportunities for couples to connect with other like-minded individuals, receive support, and learn practical skills to help strengthen their marriage.

The Church can also provide pastoral care and counseling to couples struggling in their marriage.

Our #1 recommended resource for couples in marriage crisis is ‘ Save the Marriage System ‘ by Christian author and counselor Dr. Lee Baucom. Read our full review here.

Pastors and other church leaders can offer guidance, support, and prayer to help couples navigate complicated issues such as infidelity, financial stress, and communication breakdowns .

Take the Marriage Quiz and discover your marriage score and get suggestions on how to improve your relationship. You will also be sent the results of your quiz along with suggestions on how to create the marriage of your dreams. >> Take The Quiz Now <<

Another way the Church can support marriages is by upholding the Biblical standard of marriage and promoting sexual purity by saving yourself for marriage word .

The Church can encourage couples like you to honor God’s design for marriage by saving yourself for the marriage word to build a foundation of trust and commitment and avoid the negative consequences of premarital sex.

Finally, the Church can support marriages by praying for couples and their families.

Questions to Ask Your Pastor About Relationships

If you seek guidance on relationships or want to ask Christian relationship questions , your pastor can be an excellent resource to help you navigate these issues. Ask your pastor:

• What are relationships and marriage according to the Bible?
• How can I discern if a relationship is healthy and God-honoring?
• What are the red flags in a relationship?
• How can I improve communication with my partner?
• How can I learn to forgive and move forward after a disagreement or conflict?
• Do I feel loved and cherished by my partner?
• How can I understand the compatibility level in my relationship with my partner?
• How can I handle differences in beliefs or values within a relationship?
• What are some healthy boundaries to establish in a relationship ?
• How can I navigate the decision of whether or not to get married?

These are just a few questions to consider asking your pastor. Remember that your pastor is there to offer guidance based on the Bible as you navigate relationships, and they have a wealth of knowledge and experience to share with you. Don’t hesitate to reach out to them for help, like asking Christian relationship questions and advice as needed.

Premarital Counseling Questions to Discuss With Your Future Spouse

Marriage is a significant commitment, and it’s essential to take the time to discern if you and your partner are ready for this lifelong journey together.

As a Christian, it’s crucial to consider your faith and values when evaluating your relationship.

According to Dr. Paul Friesen, asking key questions before you get married is a vital step to building a long lasting and meaningful marriage.

Questions to ask each other

• What is your understanding of God’s design for marriage , and how do we plan to honor that in our relationship?
• How do you see our faith playing a role in our marriage , and what are some ways we can grow spiritually together?
• How do you h andle disagreements and conflicts in a Godly way?
• How can we prioritize our faith as a couple?
• What are your thoughts on having children, and how do we plan to raise them in a Christian home?
• How do you manage finances, and what are your thoughts on giving to charitable causes? Download our free worksheet here.
• What are your expectations for physical intimacy within our marriage, and how do we plan to uphold Biblical standards in this area?
• How do you see our families playing a role in our marriage , and how can we navigate differences in beliefs or values?
• How do you handle stress and challenges , and what are some ways we can support each other through difficult times?
• What are your long-term goals for our marriage , and how do we plan to stay committed to each other and to God throughout our lives together?

These questions can help you and your partner discern if you are ready for marriage and build a foundation of trust, communication, and commitment that can last a lifetime.

Remember for guidance and wisdom as you navigate this important decision, and seek the advice and support of trusted mentors, family members, and church leaders as needed.

Asking essential questions before marriage is critical for Christians seeking to build a God-centered relationship. Take time to discern if you and your partner are ready for the lifelong commitment of marriage, and consider how your faith and values will impact your relationship.

By asking questions about God’s design for marriage, spiritual growth, conflict resolution, finances, physical intimacy, and long-term goals, you can build a foundation of trust, communication, and commitment that can last a lifetime.

Where To Find Help

We have resources available to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve..

The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini-series, you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

There are little known keys and principles for communcating in a way that makes you feel bonded and close to your spouse. We cover them in our Communication Bootcamp. >> Click here to learn more <<

Marriage Communication Bootcamp Communication issues do not have to wreck your relationship. Our communication bootcamp will equip you to connect on a deeper level and cultivate skills to help you relate more effectively.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit Books, Courses, Programs, and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Healthy Marriage Academy Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with  ‘ Save the Marriage System ‘ by Lee Baucom.

About Linda Bunnell

Hi, I’m Linda Bunnell. I’m a dating expert and writer who loves helping people find love.

What I love most about my work is helping people achieve happiness in their lives. I write articles about dating and relationships, currently writing for Hubpages, Readunwritten, Goodmenproject, and others.

I’m fascinated by people’s behavior, and I love exploring the intricacies of relationships. I believe everyone has a story to tell, and I love giving people a voice. Visit my website .

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Bible Helps, Inc.

Publishers of Bible Teaching Literature

The Truth About Living Together Before Marriage

By Harold S. Martin A Bible Helps Booklet No. 394

The moral slide in our culture is seen in many ways, one of which is related to the number of people who are living together without the commitment of marriage. We live in a self-centered and pleasure-oriented society. Bible standards related to righteousness and morality are falling by the wayside. More and more couples are living together apart from the marriage bond. The trend is alarming. The flippant attitudes of some who “shack up together” are startling.

There is no effort in our day for many couples to even bother trying to conceal their unmarried status. They rent apartments, check in at motels, purchase houses (with their different names signed on the contracts), and visit their parents (expecting to be accepted and given the use of the guest bedroom). Since their idea is that they will live together if they “love” each other, and will stop living together if they stop “loving” each other, they prefer not to complicate the arrangement with a marriage commitment. Many pastors and churches have given approval to the “new morality.” The end result is the proliferation of all kinds of strange living arrangements. The mindset of a permanent marriage is not in their immediate plans.

A letter written by a young woman (addressed to one of her college teachers) says she is considering a live-in relationship with a man, and states the issues very well. She writes:

My boyfriend and I are contemplating living together for one or two years before getting married. We are intelligent, moral, law-abiding citizens. We love each other deeply. We want to live together, work together—to share, to trust, and to love one another. We want to test marriage before moving blindly into it. We do not have financial means for marriage; and if we decide marriage isn’t for us, we will just separate and avoid the heavy expense of divorce. Of what value is a piece of paper—the so-called marriage license—anyway? We are religious people, church members, and do not see any moral problems. Most broad-minded people think this will be the standard life-style for the future. Some people, who refuse to accept social change, including our parents, object to our plans. Why?

Because of the kind of thinking described in the letter above, cohabitation is more and more made to seem normal, and is becoming a substitute for marriage. Yet most sources indicate that nearly half of all cohabiting couples break up before the wedding, and those live-in couples who do marry are fifty percent more likely to divorce than those who did not first live together. In addition, those who lived-in before marriage are more likely to be unfaithful to their marriage vows, and generally experience more domestic violence than those who did not cohabit earlier.

Many people believe it is wrong to even question the morality and value of living together before marriage . It is becoming more and more acceptable in our society for young men and women to “try it out” before committing themselves to a life-long relationship. What are the moral implications involved in “live-in” relationships?

Living together really is not a good preparation for marriage. One secular book on marriage states that couples who lived together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction than those who did not cohabit before the wedding. It is important to note that during the same time period in which living together before marriage has become acceptable, the rate of divorce has skyrocketed. Living together apparently has not helped to cement relationships.

Craig Alan Myers has said, “Couples engaged in fornication, and wanting to be married in the church or by the minister, should be asked to repent of their sin and refrain from those practices before a church wedding takes place … . Further, Christians ought to be taught the Scriptural truth that their bodies (and their sexuality) do not belong to themselves but to God. Fornication and other sexual sins are acts that God roundly condemns and will judge. The Bible flatly says, ‘Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate [male prostitutes], nor abusers of themselves with mankind [sodomites], nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God’ (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). However, the good news is that God will forgive those sins and heal them, when the sinner is penitent. The very next sentence in the Scripture above says, ‘And such were some of you; but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God’ (1 Corinthians 6:11). There is forgiveness and cleansing in the blood of Christ for the repentant sinner!” (Myers, Craig Alan, “On Living Together Before Marriage,” BRF Witness, Volume 30, Number 5, September/October 1995.)

There are a number of social reasons for the rising practice of pre-marital cohabitation:

• 1) A general breakdown of personal morality.
• 2) The changing sexual values in society.
• 3) Extended adolescence and later marriages.
• 4) The availability of more effective methods of contraception.
• 5) Tax laws which sometimes make marriage a disadvantage financially.

The primary factor, however, is related to the general human rebellion against the laws of God.

Committed Christians believe that sharing bed, breakfast, and bills (apart from a marriage bond) is a violation of the will of God. To the hundreds who are asking, “What’s wrong with living together before marriage, anyway?”—we offer the following paragraphs as a Christian response.

1. Living together as husband and wife without being legally married is fornication.

Fornication is defined narrowly as “sexual intercourse between unmarried persons,” but sometimes it broadens to include all forms of sexual immorality. It is a sin which God will judge. The Bible states clearly (as quoted above) that fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, sodomites, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, and robbers—will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). And again, God’s Word says that marriage is to be held in honor by all, and the marriage bed be kept undefiled—for God will judge fornicators and adulterers (Hebrews 13:4). It is a sobering thought that “every one of us shall give account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12).

2. God designed sex to be enjoyed by one man and one woman within the permanent shelter of total commitment to each other in marriage.

Any deviation from this model is a violation of God’s Law with some serious consequences. Jesus speaks of a woman who was living with a man who was not her husband (John 4:17-18) as a case of unmarried cohabitation. When Jesus spoke of her private life she quickly changed the subject. Jesus did not regard cohabitation and marriage as being equivalent in meaning. The lesson of history is that any civilization that turns from the commandments of God, and lavishly devotes itself to carnal pleasure, cannot long endure.

3. The bodies of Christians are temples of the Holy Spirit, and we are not to grieve Him by wrong conduct.

Because of this principle, Christians cannot do exactly as they please. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 speaks clearly about what that means. We are to know that our bodies are dwelling places of the Holy Spirit who lives within, and that we are not our own, for we were bought with a price—and therefore believers are to glorify God in their bodies . God says that the proper place for the sexual relationship is within the bonds of honorable marriage. To engage in fornication is immoral; it is a sin against the Holy Spirit who dwells in the believer’s body.

4. Sex without the binding commitment of marriage cheapens oneself and the other person involved.

Love without commitment is not really love at all, but rather it is lust. Marriage alone provides the security from the fear of being used, and seduced, and then abandoned.

Why is marriage so important? Why do we need to receive the church’s blessing and be registered by the state? Why do we encourage couples to save the sexual relationship for marriage? In order for a relationship between a man and woman to continue over the years, both partners must give each other their word completely. That is one of the reasons for a public wedding. Both need the support of the community.

Walter Trobisch in his little book entitled, I Married You, describes the three aspects of a normal marriage:

• 1) The legal or public ceremony.
• 2) The personal act of consent and commitment.
• 3) The physical sexual union. (The sex act alone does not constitute marriage, for if that were true, there would be no such thing as fornication, because as soon as individuals engaged in the act, they would be married.)

Marriage is a public vow which makes the commitment more difficult to break. We treat marriage as a public contract, so that we will be reminded in our darker days, and during our times of temptation, of the importance of our obligation to love and cherish and nurture our chosen spouse with genuine care, even if there are difficult days.

Out of fear of losing her boyfriend, a young girl may decide to give in and have sex with him. In the end, she often loses him anyway—and then she feels used and humiliated. Many teenagers fall into the trap of “sex or else.” The boy says, “if you loved me, you would become intimate with me.” But when the girl gives in and consents to having sex, she often ends up getting dumped and is badly hurt. The fact is that if he really loved and cared for her, he wouldn’t ask her to yield to his sensual feelings.

5. Violations of God’s standards of morality carry consequences which follow later in life.

Some of the many consequences of cohabitation and fornication are misplaced trust, unplanned pregnancy, venereal disease, and the negative Christian witness which the cohabiting lifestyle presents to the world. The few moments of ecstasy experienced in an illicit affair will be greatly outweighed by the hours of remorse that come from disobeying God.

Sex outside of marriage always does some kind of damage. It leaves some people grieving because they can no longer claim virginity. Others carry dark secrets about things they did in the past. Some are afraid of getting pregnant, or getting a venereal disease, including AIDS.

Another consequence of cohabitation is the greater likelihood of divorce if the couple later decides to marry. The National Survey of Families and Households found that couples who cohabit before marriage are 50% more likely to divorce. The same survey also found that unmarried couples living together are twice as likely to be unhappy later on in their relationship, than are those who are duly married. One writer says that cohabitation is not preparation for marriage; instead, it is training for divorce. One study found that “cohabiting couples show higher levels of aggression than either daters or married people” ( Time magazine, September 5, 1988).

People who move in before making a marriage commitment are people who have not learned to practice delayed gratification. They want the benefits of a solid relationship before investing the time and effort to build a solid relationship. Later, when the road gets rocky, these folks won’t invest the time and effort to sustain the relationship either. One writer says, “Having sex too soon, moving in without commitment …, are the behaviors of basically immature, let-me-feel-good-now . . . people” (from “Ten Stupid Things Women do to Mess up their Lives” by Laura C. Schlessinger ©1994).

Those who urge a period of unmarried cohabitation in order to test the sincerity and durability of their love overlook a common characteristic of human nature. It is the sense of being bound that helps love to become stabilized. The couple that is firmly committed to the principle of lifelong togetherness, has a much greater chance of experiencing a genuine lasting relationship, than the couple who regards their domestic habitation as being subject to termination.

6. Living together before marriage is an offense against God’s Law and is an injustice to one’s partner.

God’s original command in creation was that male and female should “cleave” (or “cling”) to one another in covenantal partnership, that is, in marriage (Genesis 2:24). A man shall leave father and mother, and become united to his wife, and they two shall become one flesh.

Our objection to living together before marriage is based upon the Biblical teaching that sexual activity outside of marriage is an offense against God’s Law. We are told in Ephesians 5:3 that there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality among God’s people.

The Bible has no direct teaching on what should be involved in a marriage ceremony, nor does it tell how the ceremony should be conducted to make it a valid transaction. However, marriage has always been a public event. There has always been a specific point at which persons were recognized as being married. The Bible has specific regulations about the sins of adultery and fornication. It is assumed that the community will know who is married and who is not married . Marriage is not a private affair. It takes place within the community. And the Christian is a member of a special community—the Body of Christ. Our entire life (including our role in marriage) is lived out as a member of this special community. In the wedding ceremony, the couple makes pledges in the presence of family, friends, the church, the state, and God. When this commitment has been expressed, then the man and woman are ready for physical consummation. This pattern is in harmony with the teaching found in God’s Word.

A public marriage ceremony demonstrates that we are to take seriously our responsibility to a larger society—including our friends, family, neighbors, and fellow Christians. We do not live to ourselves. We live as members of a community whose approval is important, whose love is desired, and whose reputation is esteemed. A marriage which occurs under God, before an audience, and ratified by the laws of the state is a strong statement of intention. It says that the couple intends to worship God, to contribute to the welfare of the community, and to put the commitment to persevere in the marriage on public record.

The marriage bond bestows meaning upon the couple’s sexual activity as expressed in the phrase “one flesh.” It highlights the complete interchange of the two selves, as in the bride’s delightful statement in the Song of Solomon, “My beloved is mine and I am his” (Song of Solomon 2:16). Marriage confirms the mutual commitment and bonding of a man and woman by specifying and guarding certain expectations and responsibilities. In cohabitation, by way of contrast, there is mutual exploitation within the possibility of potential flight. And that does not tend to promote strong and lasting relationships.

A Hallmark card says, “I can’t promise you forever, but I can promise you today.” This is one of the newest love cards for the current generation—no commitment—just warm fuzzy feelings. And then when the mood changes and the fuzzies are gone, the earlier “love” and “respect” begin to fade. Living together before marriage is not an effective way to test the compatibility of potential marriage partners. Living together without marriage usually does more emotional harm than good. Total commitment is what makes a lasting and good marriage. Yet commitment is what cohabiting couples are purposely avoiding. Couples who mate before they are mates, tend to rely on sexual intimacy to keep them together. Strong human relationships require more than that. Couples who share the same roof before the public marriage ceremony often build a shaky foundation for their life together.

Our churches need to call for a renewed commitment to chastity and to the sacredness of sex within marriage. Kevin Ray, in Disciple Renewal, says, “There is a powerful movement today to ignore the clear teaching of Scripture regarding human sexuality. This problem is pervasive. In our society, living together outside of marriage is now acceptable. Divorce is viewed as an easy alternative to the struggle of making a marriage work. Children are being taught in our public schools that sexual activity is acceptable as long as it is done ‘safely.’ Homosexual behavior is being promoted as normal human sexual expression. The perversion of biblical teaching regarding human sexuality threatens to undermine society and is bringing great division to the church of Jesus Christ. On the issue of human sexuality, we have abandoned the God-given standard, and are therefore in danger of incurring God’s wrath. This is a point where the church must be called to faithfulness.”

The church needs to reach out to those who are suffering the devastating effects of venereal diseases, and make their days as pain-free as possible by offering the peace which Christ brings to those who embrace Him—but we must also teach abstinence from sexual encounters outside of the true and honorable marriage bond. Christians must repudiate the “new morality.”

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Biblical Dating: From ‘Hi’ to ‘I Do’ in a Year

• October 18, 2007

PART 6: Growing in Intimacy »

In matters of dating or courtship, I generally recommend that people either get married or break up within a year or so of beginning a dating relationship. I also believe that this recommendation applies with equal force to single men and women in college. I’ve arrived at this conclusion by thinking through a number of biblical principles.

One of our bedrock governing principles in biblical dating — and in how we treat our brothers and sisters in Christ generally — is not to “defraud” our single brothers and sisters by implying a greater level of commitment between us and them than actually exists (see 1 Thessalonians 4:6 ). I discuss this principle more fully in “ Principles for Drawing Boundaries ” and “ What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like? ” As a quick refresher, we can “defraud” our brother or sister in a dating context by showing or encouraging a level of intimacy — either emotionally or physically — that the Bible seems to reserve for marriage and marriage only. If we act like we’re married before we’ve made that commitment, we’re defrauding (and sinning).

Emotional Temptation

I don’t know whether you’ve noticed this, but people involved in a dating relationship tend to get to know each other better over the course of that relationship. In fact, they are usually really enthusiastic about doing so. We might even say that getting to know one another better and more deeply is (up to a certain limited point, of course) the very purpose of a dating relationship. When two people are dating — especially when it’s going well and two people are really into one another — the desire to spend more and more time together, to know each other better and better, to confide in each other more and more often and exclusively, is overwhelming. As your general comfort level around each other rises, that momentum grows even more.

Now picture, for example, college life. We’ll assume, per another clear principle from Scripture, that both members of our college couple are Christians. On most college campuses, that likely puts the two of you in the same relatively small social circle. Perhaps both of you are active in the same campus ministry, you go to the same church. Over time, maybe you take some of the same classes, live near one another, etc.

In that context, living with the desires I’ve just described, how likely do you think it is that over the course of two or three or four years — some couples date over most of their college years — you will be able to maintain enough emotional discipline and distance to avoid acting emotionally and relationally “married”?

I’ve spoken to numerous “long-dating” couples, in college and beyond, who other than living together, could do little to intertwine their lives any more than they already are. They see each other every day, are with each other’s families every holiday (and often know their partner’s family as well as any son or daughter-in-law does), they travel together, spend most of their non-working (or studying) time together, they daily confide in one another (and maybe only one another), and are without doubt, closer emotionally with one another than with anyone else on the planet.

This is exactly the level of intimacy that is reserved for marriage only and that dating couples should make every effort to restrain until the appropriate time. Can this level of emotional intimacy happen between people who have been dating for a shorter amount of time? Of course. But the longer a couple dates, the harder it becomes to avoid it.

Physical Temptation

Scripture calls Christians to “flee” from sexual immorality ( 1 Corinthians 6:18 ), not to “see how difficult we can make the temptation and still prevail” or to “see how close to the line we can get without sinning.” In my view, Scripture teaches clearly that there is to be no romantic physical intimacy outside of marriage.

No reasonable person would argue that physical temptation does not increase — a lot — the longer two people date who are attracted to each other and who grow to love each other. Sadly, statistics and anecdotal experience both indicate that even the vast majority of Christian couples who spend time in dating relationships of any length, sin physically.

The longer the relationship, the higher the percentage. Where a relationship is shorter, accountability stronger, and the level of emotional intimacy more responsible, the level of physical temptation, and the likelihood of sin, goes down.

The Bottom Line

To put it simply, “not acting married before you’re married,” gets exponentially more difficult the longer a pre-marital relationship persists. If our goal is to move positively toward God-glorifying lives (rather than simply to “walk the line” by attempting to satisfy our fleshly desires as much as possible without sinning), wisdom and godliness would seem to counsel keeping relationships shorter.

Certainly, as God’s people, we don’t want to live in fear and have our lives be primarily defined by avoiding temptation rather than positively seeking after Christ. I’m not suggesting that we do. Still, where particular known areas of temptation exist, it’s not living in fear to be deliberate about taking the wiser course.

Popular Responses

Let me try to deal very briefly with the most popular responses I get to this argument — especially from college students.

1) “This argument doesn’t really apply to us, because we’re in a long-distance relationship.”

I think it does, even if the physical circumstances are different. As to emotional intimacy, we live in the age of email, free long distance and unlimited any-time minutes, and cheap flights. It’s still really easy to “act married” emotionally, even in a long-distance relationship.

As to physical intimacy, many long-distance couples have told me that because they are not physically close to one another as often, they actually experience more intense physical temptation when they’re together. And again, if you believe the stats, long-distance couples don’t do any better than others at staying physically pure.

2) “We dated for less than a year and then got engaged. We’ll be engaged for the next 18 months while we finish school, but we’re already committed, so that’s cool, right?”

Um, no. If you’ve forgotten the cardinal rule of engagement, re-read “ Tips for Engagement .” Engagement is a great thing, but it’s not marriage. It may, as a practical matter, necessitate addressing issues and being a bit more intimate than they were before, but the simple fact is that couples break up even after engagement. Your fiancé is not your spouse until the wedding is over. In the meantime, the “we’re already committed” rationalization tends to make couples feel free to act in all sorts of ways they didn’t before, and every argument I’ve made in this series applies even more strongly to engaged couples.

3) “We’re so much more ‘fruitful in ministry’ as a couple; we ‘feel led’ to be together; ‘God’s calling us’ to date throughout college.”

I doubt it. The above language is hard to argue with (who can argue with God? ), but that doesn’t mean that anyone who uses that language is automatically correct. As a quick theological aside on guidance, God does not primarily lead His people by mystic feelings in the pits of our stomachs about what He wants us to do. He leads us primarily by His Word, and we are to look there first and primarily for guidance about how to live and make decisions.

God does not ever “call” or “lead” His people into sin, or even into folly or spiritual danger. We should take a given course of action because it comports with the principles of Scripture, not because we mystically feel “led” to do something we have a strong desire to do anyway.

4) “We have no choice. We have to wait. My parents will not pay for school if we get married before graduation.”

I hate to be a pain here, but you actually have at least two biblically responsible choices. They’re both hard, I admit, but they are doable. Choice one is to get married anyway and work your way through. Many people work their way through school. Will it take longer? Sure. Will it lead to other hard choices? Almost certainly. Can it be done? Yes.

Choice two is to stay in school and put the relationship on hold. Stop spending time together one-on-one. Talk less often. Be deliberate about avoiding “marital” levels of intimacy. Wait until a responsible time to start the relationship back up. By the way, more than one set of Christian parents have relented on this question in the face of respectful , biblical resolve by their children.

5) “People I trust think you should date at least a year or two before marrying. I can’t get enough information about the other person over the course of a short relationship. I’m really worried I’ll end up ‘settling.'”

Now that’s a topic for an entire article in itself! Check out my piece “ Settling .”

PART 8: Tips for Engagement »

Copyright 2007 Scott Croft. All rights reserved.

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About the author.

Scott Croft served for several years as chairman of the elders at Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C., where he wrote and taught the Friendship, Courtship & Marriage and Biblical Manhood & Womanhood CORE Seminars. Scott now lives in the Louisville, Ky., area with his wife, Rachel, and son, William, where he works as an attorney and serves as a member of Clifton Baptist Church.

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August 3, 2016 · 98 Comments

Living Together is Not the Sin

Christian Relationships

Premarital cohabitation is very much still a hot topic, especially here in the South, where we’re still hanging on to the last loop on the Bible belt. It’s communally known as “shacking up” and everyone knows what it means. You’re “living in sin” because you’re living with your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé(e) and you’re committing a sin against God; you’re not upholding your responsibilities as a Christian and defiling your body before God. Let me make a quick confession: My husband and I lived together before we were married. Living together is not the sin . I don’t (completely) regret doing it…I am actually glad that we did it. It opened our eyes to a lot of things about each other and helped us to really test our compatibility in a pressure cooker.

But I wouldn’t recommend it to others.

Is living together before marriage a sin?

Here’s the truth about premarital cohabitation. Living together isn’t a sin, but shacking up is . Differentiation is often found when you close your doors. Shacking up is defined and described as:

• casually moving in with someone you regularly hit the sheets with
• Couples who live together (often while having sex) and are not married
• Regularly hitting the sheets with someone you are not dating
• to live together as spouses without being legally married
• to   have   illicit   sexual   relations

Why do people think it’s wrong to live together before you’re married?

Well, the issue is not living together, but the sin of fornication (1 Thes 4:3-4). Fornication has always been rampant and it was just easier for our parents and grandparents to fuss at us about putting ourselves in situations that were presumed to increase the chances of hooking up versus actually dealing with the real issue. And contrary to some beliefs, a shared house is not the only place where couples can get hot and steamy, so fussing about living together is only the beginning of the conversation.

The Bible doesn’t actually say anything about living together before marriage but it speaks consistently about purity and keeping your body as a Holy temple. When the Scriptures don’t speak about one thing explicitly, we are to use the commands and guidance left for us to deduce the appropriate response. How does this apply to “shacking up” or moving in together before the wedding?

What does the bible say about immorality?

“Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (1 Cor 6:18)

Our enemy is on the prowl. He’s out to get people on his team and he’s aggressively pursuing those who are already #TeamJesus. Baptism grants you an indwelling measure of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit and sin cannot exist in the same place. Your body is the temple where the Holy Spirit resides. When you open yourself to sin (opening your legs, spewing sin through your words, letting sinful thoughts into your ears and mind) the Holy Spirit is like Nah, I can’t be here right now… and *throws deuces*. You open yourself to sin and the punishment of sin to enter in because you have no spiritual protection left. You have to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and your mind (1 Peter 1:13; Rom 12:2) and your eyes (Psalm 101:3) so if living with your intended before bands are in place breaks down your guards, then rethink that.

Why is this such a hard decision?

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” (1 Peter 4:12)

This Scripture speaks about suffering for being a Christian, but as it applies to this situation, here is a common-sense interpretation: You jumped into the pot, so don’t be surprised that the water is hot! Can you resist his beard? Can you resist her curves? If the answer is anything other than a resounding “YES!” then maybe you shouldn’t move in before you’re married. It’s very easy to say that you can resist temptation but actions speak much louder than words. To thine own self be true…you know what your temptations and weaknesses are. Putting yourself into a situation and then being caught off guard by all of the decisions you have to make in the interest of your salvation is difficult, at best. You can’t be mad at anyone but yourself when the water bill goes up because someone is running a cold shower every other hour…

What am I risking by living together before marriage?

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,…” (1 Cor 6:19)

How much do you really love your S.O.? When we were cohabitating, it was hard to resist sexual temptation. But I had to do it. I had to consider how much I loved him. Like, love loved him. I knew that I loved him enough to not condemn his soul. All I could think about was the “what-ifs?” What if we gave in and he died in his sleep? What if we hooked up and I died in a car accident the next day? My friends laughed at my obsession with death, but I had to be spiritually realistic about it. No man knows the time or the hour and we didn’t want to take away our salvation or put ourselves in a place where we didn’t have the chance to repent. If he was going down, it wasn’t going to be because of me! Remember Eph 5:5

but what if living together is the only option for me?

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Cor 10:13)

What is the floor plan of your dwelling? Is it a loft-style apartment that calls for you to be in close contact every moment? Do you have separate rooms on opposite sides of the house? How many pillows do you own? Being completely transparent, when we lived together pre-marriage, there were times that he did sleep in the bed with me, but we didn’t cuddle. We didn’t even hold hands. I often slept directly on the mattress because I needed a little extra barrier that night.

Living together is not the sin.

Arrangements don’t necessarily restrict the temptations you face. We survived our ordeal of living together with our salvation…and a little bit of our sanity…intact. I don’t know if we would make the same decision if we went back in time, but we know in the midst of it all, we always make sure that we know what’s most important in our relationship…our responsibility to, and relationship with, Christ.

I still don’t know if we should live together before marriage…

If you’re still wrestling with the idea of whether or not premarital sex is something in which you should engage, check out this book from Rob Kowalski called Why Waiting Works (referral link) to get a deeper understanding of why it’s worth it to wait before you have sex before marriage.

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Reader Interactions

August 4, 2016 at 6:59 pm

My husband and I stayed together while we were planning our wedding, but she slept in separate rooms. Did we get tempted? Yes all the time. Did we fail? Yes quite a few times. But I believe if your living together with no intentions on getting married then yes you shouldn’t be shacking up. If your planning your wedding it is a good idea to see the other person’s habits before hand. I have no regrets. I got to see my husband habits and deal with them before we said I do.

August 5, 2016 at 8:50 pm

Absolutely! I think it’s a good idea to live together before marriage for that reason, but on the contrary, I wouldn’t recommend it to just anyone. Not everyone is strong enough to handle that situation and those temptations. As Christians, we are not to put ourselves in situations where we would be tempted, but sometimes we do what we wanna do and then wonder why stuff happens…lol

July 7, 2021 at 11:59 am

It is not a good idea to live together. There is nothing good about it other than doing things before they due to be done.

July 12, 2021 at 11:08 am

It’s not a good idea to have sex before marriage, regardless of your living arrangements. Although the focus is on the admission that I lived with my husband before marriage, there is a complete dismissal of the fact that we abstained from sex. We were more holy living together than we were living apart. Focus on the message of maintaining sexual purity, regardless of where you lay your head at night.

June 21, 2022 at 10:45 pm

The scriptures say to abstain from the appearance of evil and also flee temptation living together is a violation of these commands. Make no provision for the flesh

September 10, 2021 at 10:33 am

The only thing I learned about my husband while we were engaged and living together was that he was a great actor. I learned more about my new fiance by spending quality time with him and learning the WORD, not living together.

November 17, 2021 at 12:13 pm

Sadly, that happens. Doing what you’re doing is a fantastic way to get to know your partner. Be sure to continue that practice when you get married ❤️

March 30, 2022 at 6:23 am

It’s funny that all Christian doctrines say fornication means sex before marriage. Nowhere in the bible does it say that NOR does it say not to live with the person you will marry…it speaks of sexual immortality and says we should abstain from that…if one person can show me where the bible says fornication MEANS do not have sex before marriage, I will stand corrected. I mean dont show me scriptures that say something else and than interpret it by inserting your own opinion of that scripture means. Show me where God says that. As well, explain the live of Solomon and David and the many women they had and where he says he hates them because of their sin of “fornication”

April 4, 2022 at 9:47 pm

Fornication is defined as “voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.” As the word wasn’t actually in existence until the 14th century, it’s not likely to be included in the original Aramaic texts. The textual definition of the English etymology also encompasses adultery. The Bible does indeed speak to purity (both sexual and nonsexual). As language has evolved the word and concepts have merged together and have become synonymous with each other. If you’re looking for scriptures that speak to sexual purity, this post may help: https://beingyoked.com/verses-answer-sex-before-marriage/ .

January 15, 2022 at 1:43 pm

The Bible says: leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife….so all the shacking-up believes who want to compromise, and say the Bible doesn’t address it, are misleading themselves away from the truth. You are not a wife, until you are a wife, and vice versa. We fall to such Babylonians mindsets to justify living our way and not God’s way.

January 16, 2022 at 11:35 pm

We have argued about the “sin” of living together for generations, hence the purpose of this post. Many people engage in premarital sex and go back to their respective homes. Fornication is not restricted to living arrangements. It’s much easier to argue about the sanctity of a street address than it is to examine the condition of the heart, irrespective of where that heart resides.

January 25, 2022 at 8:29 am

We will always find some way to justify that which we want to do. Christians need to be concerned with how their actions are perceived by others. If you’re living together, people will assume a sexual relationship. At this point you are sending the wrong message to unbelievers and believers alike. There are many reasons people could use to justify living together. In the end it is just another way of “conforming to the patterns of this world.” We should be unique, set apart, different in all we do. We should be a light to those around us, not dancing on the edge of darkness. You don’t have to live with someone to learn who he/she is. Cohabitation is a relatively new phenomena in the church – evidence of cultural norms creeping into the church.

March 3, 2022 at 1:59 pm

I don’t disagree with you. I recently found out (like a week ago!) that my husband was almost shunned by our church because we were living together. When he made it clear that we weren’t engaging in premarital sex, the only argument left was how our arrangements looked to other people. That is an important factor as leaders in a church, for sure. But the heart of the matter…and the point of this post…is that the condition of the heart is what matters. We can bark at people all day long about how things look and what people should or shouldn’t do but, while we can’t see behind closed doors, God can. We are accountable to Him in all things, both seen and unseen. And while living together may not be the most reasonable thing for Christians to do in trying to maintain sexual and spiritual purity, we should be more concerned with the commission of sin than we are with the optics of opinions.

April 3, 2022 at 5:57 am

Amen!!! It’s sad how the author is twisting God’s word to feel comfortable with sin. We are no to make peace with sin but flee from it. We don’t get to make the rules… God does! And we are to love, trust and obey! Put God first!!!

April 4, 2022 at 9:41 pm

As the author, I didn’t twist God’s words nor am I comfortable with sin. You are free to not like how I say something but I definitely didn’t say that sin was ok. My story is an example of what real, flawed people encounter and have to address. It’s a stretch to say that I’m comfortable with sin when you’re unfamiliar with my sense of sarcasm or my ability to get to the root of the matter without the fluff. People do a lot of things out of sight of man and think that it’s ok because they can’t be called out for it. God does truly see all that we do. I can guarantee that I was more in line with God’s word when I lived with my boyfriend and abstained from sexual immorality than I was when we lived in separate apartments and had sex before we went home.

April 13, 2018 at 11:29 pm

Hello maam,

I have something to ask for help related to this topic and would like to to connect with you through email or fb messenger. Hope to know how I could reach you. Thank you.

April 15, 2018 at 12:23 am

Hi! I sent you an email. Thank you for contacting me and I look forward to speaking with you 🙂

August 6, 2020 at 10:26 am

Hello my name is Faith I would like to connect with you about this topic because I’m thinking about marriage to a man that I’m in love and hes inl ove with me I know for sure but I would like to talk with you

August 12, 2020 at 11:51 pm

Hi Faith! I would be happy to speak with you. Email me at [email protected]

April 14, 2018 at 4:49 am

With living together…..if you have to live together before marriage and it’s because one is in between jobs, least is up on their apartment, getting married in a few weeks and or months is not sufficient enough to live together…..guess that’s why the church “Us” is catching a bad wrap….we’re doing resoundingly everything the world is, but we can sprinkle it with grace…..living together to get to learn and know of each other against biblical principle….Remember, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? If you cannot afford to live on your own, stay at home until you can afford it and lets not bring anymore indictments against the body of Christ…Shalom

April 15, 2018 at 12:21 am

Some people can’t live together because of the temptation of sin. Some people don’t live together because of the appearance of sin. People of the opposite sex live together for a myriad of reasons. Living with someone of the same sex is no longer an safeguard against premarital sex. I agree that we should not get caught up in looking like the world. It’s important that we are concerned with actual behaviors more than we are with appearances. People will make decisions that don’t look like what others expect. We’re not going to be judged on what we look like on the outside, but what our hearts and intentions are. I don’t condone living together, although this was my story. It’s important that people in a relationship are more focused on honoring God by not engaging in premarital sex, rather than where they lay their heads at night.

June 25, 2020 at 3:49 pm

April 21, 2018 at 1:42 pm

Hello thanks for your vlog i am planning to get engaged to my gf a month after we move in. Abstaining from sex for almost a year now. Stepmom is making me feel convicted, but personally i feel good about my decision and i do not feel like we will be living in sin as we have been able to abstain this long so far. I enjoyed your vlog, but if u have any thoughts please comment!

April 22, 2018 at 11:49 pm

If you’re feeling convicted and think that you may not be able to continue to abstain, listen to that voice. That’s the Holy Spirit. The temptation that we experienced when we lived together before marriage was real. It was incredibly hard to resist because we were so easily accessible to each other. The thing that kept us strong was loving each other enough to put eternal salvation over satisfaction. If we’d had premarital sex and something happened to him, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for the condemnation of his soul…and vice versa. If you feel like you can’t resist, especially after your engagement, consider living apart. Too often people think that engagement is pretty much married, but it’s not. An engagement isn’t a covenant. I wish you the best on your engagement and pray that you both can continue to abstain <3

May 18, 2018 at 6:19 am

I would really like to get in touch with u about a similar issue how can I get in contact with u

May 23, 2018 at 3:43 pm

Hi Monica! You may email me at [email protected] . I look forward to speaking with you 🙂

June 18, 2018 at 9:20 am

I’m not sure I agree with ‘testing the water’ / living together to know a person a certain way before getting married. It’s not like a car that you test drive and give back if you don’t like it. Hopefully the decision to marry the person is not based on their personal home habits.

I think it panders to what ‘we’ want rather than what God wants.

God asks us to *flee* from sexual immorality, not to get as close as possible without getting burnt.

Purity is a position of your heart. It sounds like the typical question of ‘how far is too far’ – how about flipping that to how pure can we walk / how best can we honor God in our relationships. I don’t think God is more honored in living together before marriage., than in waiting until marriage.

June 23, 2018 at 2:21 am

I don’t actually recommend that people live together before marriage. This is the story about a decision I made in my own life. I agree with purity and the stance that we should flee from sexual immorality. That’s actually the intention of the article. Society seems to be very focused on semantics and appearances, not what is at the heart of the issue. My story is that people who knew my living situation were very concerned with where he and I slept at night but gave no encouragement in maintaining our sexual purity because they felt that if we didn’t spend the night with each other, we wouldn’t be able to have sex with each other. The focus is that living arrangements are not the actual sin, but the condition of the heart and not engaging in premarital sex should be the concern of unmarried individuals. Publishing this post has been a great opportunity to share that message because, behind the scenes, I have been able to discourage more people from living together before marriage. Thank you for your comment!

June 21, 2018 at 2:23 am

This is extremely unwise council. You sited 1 Corinthians 6, but then disregard that fleeing is an action one must take. You communicated how serious sexual sin is and yet you stayed living under the same roof even though eternity was at stake! You kept making jokes about his beard as if there is temptation there. You did not “have to resist” that temptation you could have easily avoided by not being there. It is unbelievable that you would consider sleeping in the same bed together before marriage. You speak of “knowing thy self”, but do you not know that the heart is deceitful above all else (Jeremiah 17:9)? Do you truly expect to know yourself so well that you can spot even the unintentional sins? There was actually a sacrifice to those in the old testament.

I agree with Damon Thompson above. I do realize that one must make a decision when dealing with questions that are not clearly answered in scripture, but please do not forget historical context. Your actions would have left you rejected, whether or not you actually did anything. Do you say there is no sin in you? If so you are deceived and the truth is not in you (1 John 1:8). We are not to be conformed to the image of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing we are to discern what is the will of God, what is good, and acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2).

You were not married and had no right to hold fast to one another in that way. Why not simply live in other places? You mentioned that temptation can come whether or not you live together, are the same sex, etc. If this is true than you take safe guards against all such situations. I please with anyone else who is reading this to please consider another path. You may even ruin a future relationship simply based on the appearance of immorality. Also, the bible does not speak specifically to many things that we should not do none the less. Look to whether or not that was an acceptable practice among Jews or Christians during and shortly after the time of Jesus. Looking at all of the letters to the churches I believe we can conclude that this is unwise at best and rebellion at worst.

June 23, 2018 at 2:40 am

I don’t actually recommend that people live together before marriage. Publishing this post has been a great opportunity to share that message because, behind the scenes, I have been able to discourage more people from living together before marriage. I made a decision that I wouldn’t have made twice because of the temptation that existed. We were able to abstain because we loved each other enough to not risk each other’s salvation for sexual gratification. Not everyone is able to do that. The actual intention of the article is to share that living arrangements are not the actual sin, but that the condition of the heart and not engaging in premarital sex should be the concern of unmarried individuals. Society seems to be very focused on semantics and appearances, not what is at the heart of the issue. My story is that people who knew my living situation were very concerned with where he and I slept at night but gave no encouragement in maintaining our sexual purity because they felt that if we didn’t spend the night with each other, we wouldn’t be able to have sex with each other.

I considered not giving so many details of my situation but that would not be my truth. I wrote this with full transparency. I’ve never been a person who is afraid to share my sins, faults, and failures if they can help someone avoid the same pitfalls. There are a myriad of reasons why couples end up living together. This message is for those who are in that situation and struggling with this particular temptation. Those who contacted me privately and asked how to handle similar situations have been given the guidance that they should avoid living together if they can possibly help it. Thank you for your comment!

November 26, 2018 at 9:16 am

This post from June 21st made me so angry. It is not your job to condemn or judge any person based on their actions, but instead show love and grace to those who could be on a path to destruction. That being said, if you’ll read the article she wrote, it is clear that both of their intentions were in the pursuit of living a life worthy of Christ- who died on the cross for our past, present, and future sins. He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and lead us not into temptation. She was so open about her relationship with her husband and with Christ. I imagine that as they were living together before they got married, there was a lot of soul searching and praying and clinging to the Lord. Although living together places you in a situation that Satan can influence, so does living in this world at all. Please understand that although living together before marriage might be a temptation barrier, it is not impossible for with God anything is possible. It is a matter of morality. The question is not “should we or should we not” but rather “Do I love God enough? Can I choose God over my sin?”and THAT is what will lead you into salvation.

January 5, 2019 at 11:04 pm

Thank you so much for your reply and support. It was incredibly hard for us to live righteously in our situation but our love for Christ and that love for each other is what ultimately kept us from falling. I don’t live my life pretending that I’m perfect or that I’ve done everything right the first time. Anyone who says that they’ve never stumbled is lying to themselves and creating a larger stumbling block to those who do struggle and are looking for the same grace that has been extended to others. You’re right…this article is about learning to choose God over sin, no matter the situation or location ❤️

July 31, 2021 at 2:29 pm

My God, thank you for sharing and speaking the truth. Today’s Christians are so weak in the faith it’s sad. Everyone wants to be fed a bunch of sugar and a the WDV (watered down version). I don’t know about anyone else but I love the uncut Word of God even though it hurts sometimes. God bless you all in Jesus Mighty Name

July 8, 2018 at 6:01 pm

I loved this post! It was truly relatable and insightful. As with many modern issue not adressed in the Bible, we must seek God and follow our convictions. To those who comment how this is living in sin just because we are so close to temptation: you must live in a bubble. There is temptation all around us in everydayife, and its up to us as Christians to gold on to our faith and live our lives pleasing to God. Our phonea, TVs, computers, radios, books, movies all tempt us to sin and we have that around us everywhere we go. To marry someone just because you can’t control yourself isnt righteous. Living together or not before marriage still requires a commitment to remain pure. GOD BLESS YOU Katherine.

July 24, 2018 at 1:39 am

I whole heartedly agree! Being able to show restraint regardless of living arrangements go a long way in helping to maintain the sanctity of covenant relationships in the long run. Thank you so much for that, Lisa <3

August 26, 2018 at 2:45 pm

God made us to be attracted to each other, so yea, it would be so hard, no matter how strong you are, to live with the one you’re gonna marry and not have sex. Why would you risk it? Plus, we are to set an example to the world around us, they see Christians, unmarried living together, they won’t believe that nothing is going on behind those doors before the wedding. That would ruin the witness you have. I’ll probably get roasted for these comments, but just think about it. You want to be seen as different. Set apart. My mom and stepdad lived together for 3 months before they got married, mom and I slept in my room, pop in the big bedroom. No sex going on. I asked mom when I got older why they did it and she said she needed to get out of the apartment bills. I asked her if she’d thought about what it looked like to the outside world. She’s a strong Christian woman and thought it would be fine, but didn’t think about how it would affect how others saw her walk with the Lord. We are to be set apart. Different. Sure, with some things it shouldn’t matter what others think, but when the lost see us, they need to see Christ in us, in as much as we can show them. We aren’t perfect, my decisions are far from it. We just have to be aware of how our decisions will reflect how Christ shows through us.

August 27, 2018 at 5:26 pm

Jo, you may be surprised to hear this but…I agree 🙂 I’m not advocating that people live together before marriage. This is my story. My husband and I lived together for a short time before marriage. We didn’t have sex. BUT we were aware of what it would look like to other people if they knew we lived together, so it wasn’t something that we broadcasted. The few people who knew helped to keep us accountable. The point of this post is that no matter what it looks like to the rest of the world, your responsibility to Christ is to keep yourself sexually pure. People don’t have to live together to have premarital sex. The point of the matter is that your living arrangements are not the sin, but your actions behind closed doors are what you have to answer for. Thank you for your comment!

October 9, 2018 at 10:11 am

Hello Beloved!

I would so love to discuss a personal situation with you regarding this message – it is a story with so many twists and turns drawn by God’s loving hand, and now a new opportunity to begin again. I have questions and would love some support and a second opinion. Could I contact you? Thank you! <3

November 8, 2018 at 4:53 pm

Hi Brookelynn! Absolutely contact me! I may be reached at [email protected] .

November 26, 2018 at 8:57 am

Thank you for writing this article! I appreciate your perspective on living together before marriage. I have done a lot of research on this particular matter and most of what I have read has been opposed to it, and condemning toward it. My boyfriend and I do live together, we have felt great guilt about our sexual immoral actions and are trying our best to resist the temptation we have placed in front of us by living together. We plan to get married; we hope to soon of we grow more financially stable and able to. For now we are reaching out to God to have His way in us; in order to lay the foundation of our marriage upon Him, we must listen to Him and obey his commands. Thank you for the encouragement that it IS POSSIBLE with God to wait and it is worth it.

January 5, 2019 at 11:01 pm

You’re so welcome! I’ll keep you in my prayers that you continue to be strong and lean upon God to make wiser decisions. Your salvation will always be the most precious thing and it’s worth the fight. That kind of love for each other is absolutely worth the wait and should fuel the decision to abstain before marriage.

January 16, 2019 at 6:46 pm

Hi Katherine, I hope you can help. I like this article you wrote, but still disagree. For many years now, I have argued that living together is not a sin. I completely agree that fornication, adultery, and sexual immorality as a whole is in fact sinning though. I think the confusion has come from the fact that “The Wedding Ceremony” and “Marriage” was blended together and mandated by the Roman Catholic church for practical reasons a long time. No where in the bible though, is it implied that a marriage is not a marriage without having a wedding. Or does it? So far, no one has been able to prove this to me, which God knows I pray someone would. Of course there are plenty of examples of weddings happening throughout the bible, but absolutely no statements or commandment stating the rule or law of it. The only statement that I see as a guideline or rule, is in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” I remember my cousin getting married but living at his dad’s place with his new wife and telling me that I was a sinner for living together with whom I considered my wife. My reply to him was, “read Genesis 2:24 and tell me who the sinner is”. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that a wedding is a very nice tradition, especially now that it is more about the romanticism of it rather that only for practicality of it like it was thought of in ancient times. Nonetheless, that is all it is, a tradition. I know couples that have been living together for more than 20 years, have children, grand children, and have never cheated on each other. Are they sinners? or are they a married couple? Will God condemn them, even though they lived holy as one and praise him together, and even taught their descendants to love God and accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I really don’t believe so. But I could be wrong! Your input and response would greatly be appreciated.

January 22, 2019 at 2:33 pm

I had to do a bit of research and contemplation before I was able to reply. So, dealing with the aspect of weddings, there are examples of Jesus attending a wedding (John 2) and there are numerous references to women being given to men in marriage. What I think you’re questioning has to do with something that is contextually implied in Scripture. Marriage in Scripture was mostly about property rights, so it was required to be legally married. Even in Biblical times, living with a person of the opposite sex was not allowed because there was no legal marriage; the situation brought shame upon a woman’s family and negated her bride-price.

The Scriptures also deal directly with circumstances of divorce…which are not applicable or relevant to anyone who is not married. Luke 16:18 is a Scripture that discusses adultery through/after divorce. Those conditions are not applicable to one who is unmarried BUT fornication is still a condition applicable toward sex outside of marriage. Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 speak to the sin of sex before marriage.

As all of this relates to modern day Christianity, women in Eastern Christianity are no longer “paid for” as it was done in Biblical times. But for all of our laws, which Romans 13:1-2 addresses, we are granted certain rights through marriage. Some laws have been amended to allow rights in Common Law marriage but it is not Biblical/Scriptural marriage. A common law marriage is something that people who have lived together for a long time consider themselves to be married, but it is not a covenant marriage before God. Couples who are in common law marriages are not in a marriage recognized as a covenant marriage before God. People have the right to live the way that they want to but you make a choice. Being a Christian requires us to follow the laws that God has provided for us.

To answer your question directly: if they are practicing Christians and are living together, unmarried, then they are living in sin. If they are not Christians, then all of the laws that God has outlined is not applicable to them. God will hold them accountable for those decisions in His judgement. Marriage is not about romanticism, regardless of how much we want to make it about romance. Marriage is a servant ministry that is the earthly representation of God’s relationship with us and all that it involves.

Hope that helps!

January 23, 2019 at 2:48 am

I just came across this article and find it very interesting! I have a similar situation that I’d like to discuss in private. Could I contact you somehow?

January 25, 2019 at 6:11 pm

Hi Rochelle!

Yes, you may email me at [email protected] .

April 24, 2021 at 7:05 am

Say you get your married license and have a license Preacher marrie you but don’t turn the license in are you still married in Gods eyes

June 8, 2021 at 12:06 am

This actually happened to someone I know. No, you’re not legally married if the paperwork was not turned in. Because we are commanded to obey the laws of the land in Romans 13:2, not following the laws that say you’re married does not say you’re married in God’s eyes.

January 24, 2019 at 4:30 pm

I loved this! I moved in with my boyfriend almost a year ago and while we have continued to abstain sexually, I still feel deep convictions with it. There is always the debate over if the real issue with cohabiting is whether or not you are able to resist the temptation of sex, and my boyfriend and I are actually on opposite sides of it. I feel as though we’ve dealt with things emotionally that should be sacred to marriage. It’s an ongoing struggle for me! I appreciate you being so candid in your story, and I can say I completely agree with you. Did I live with my S.O. before we were married? Yes. Are we both relentlessly pursuing the Lord while abstaining from sex? Yes. And while I don’t live in regret, would I recommend cohabitation to my other Christian friends? Definitely not. Thanks again for sharing, I hope those that look upon us in judgement will realize that we are all individuals pursuing God, each with a different journey to salvation. Jesus calls us to love and lift each other up as brothers ans sisters of Christ!

January 25, 2019 at 6:14 pm

Thank you so much for your comment Lauren! I know that a lot of people don’t necessarily agree with what I have to say on the issue, but for me it’s more about grace and repentance. I know a lot of us Christians find ourselves in situations that we never expected. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone for a myriad of reasons, but for those of us who are there, I want to help others through it with their salvation intact if I can ❤️

February 9, 2019 at 10:46 pm

I don’t see the problem with although I wouldn’t recommend living together is for everyone God searches the heart the sin is the act of fornication not living together fornication can happen anywhere if a one really plans the act it’s about GRACE & God knows the heart we have to learn self control the bible says abstain from sexual impurity & that’s in any situation we face

February 14, 2019 at 10:48 am

February 26, 2019 at 10:44 am

I know I’m a little late to the game since this is almost a year old. But I was reading around because of the situation I’m currently in and how confused I feel. My boyfriend and I have been together, on and off, for about a year now. We dated for a bit in the spring, broke up for most of the summer, started dating again in the fall (but weren’t officially in a relationship) and finally got fully together in December. We were “staying” together through a lot of that time, not even for a sexual relationship, but because we loved each other and the company of each other. In late December I found out that I’m pregnant. I was scared at first, but both of us are excited. I come from a family of very strict Catholics and telling them about my pregnancy was incredibly difficult. They do not approve of the fact that we are living together, and think that we should live separately until married (we want to get married, but I want to get married in the Catholic Church and he has to complete his annulment process before that can happen). When I talk about the possibility of not living with him they are completely supportive and promise to be there for me in every way and have my back completely. Even if I continue to live with him, they aren’t going to cut me off or anything, but they will be extremely upset and disappointed. My boyfriend wants us to continue to live together so that we can be a family and he can be near me and the baby during the pregnancy and be there for us. He thinks that if I move out I will be breaking apart our family and destroying our relationship. I am torn. I want to live with him because I love having him there, and it is a relationship where we are looking towards marriage, but I was raised by my parents and I understand where they are coming from and I don’t want to disappoint them, but I’m also an adult and I can’t do something just because they want me to. I’m very lost right now. But thank you for your article.

February 26, 2019 at 2:31 pm

Thank you so much for your response Joan. I will respond to you privately via email to discuss this a little more. Talk to you soon!

March 16, 2019 at 7:23 pm

Fornication. You explained it superbly. I’ve been married 30 years. Six years ago my spouse became unable to have sex with me. Temptation is hard not to give into, especially when you know the other person. The other person is my sons biological father. We live in the same city. His wife presently has Alzheimer disease. We are friends. I guess I feel like approaching him because he’s familiar and we have history. I’ve been praying for strength. But I do miss that part of my marriage. My husband doesn’t seem to care whether my physical needs are met or not. How do I handle this?

March 18, 2019 at 9:11 am

Angel, thank you so much for your openness and honesty. The main thing to focus on here is that after you are married, sexually engaging with another person is not merely fornication but it is adultery. In the eyes of God, you would be breaking the covenant with your husband and causing another man to break his covenant with his wife. Head over to this article to read a little more: https://beingyoked.com/israel-houghton-wrong/ .

Scripturally, please read and meditate on Exodus 20:14; Matt 5:32; Mark 10:11-12; Romans 7:2-3; Hebrews 13:4; and 1 Corinthians 6:18.

As far as your marriage is concerned, what is it that prevents your husband from being able to have intercourse? Is it a mental or physical thing? Have you spoken with any therapist, including a sex therapist? You may email me at [email protected] to answer these questions and continue the conversation.

The big picture issue is that this is your trial. Intimacy within a marriage is about more than sex. There will come a time in all of our lives when either we or our spouse are unable to engage in sexual intercourse for a myriad of reasons but the answer should be adjustment, not abandonment, from either party involved.

I hope that this helps.

April 5, 2019 at 6:53 pm

Hello, Hope you are well. A question please. I live with my partner, we are not married. For unmarried couple living together, can they receive the baptism in the Holy Spirit or not?

If no, what must we do. Also I am a smoker, will that stop me from geeting baptise in the Holy Ghost or not.

Will I need deliverance.

Thank you sister and God bless you and your family.

April 24, 2019 at 11:35 pm

Hi Emeline,

Thank you for your question. This is a multi-layered inquiry so I will try to keep the response succinct. Receiving the Holy Spirit is available for everyone who chooses to follow the commandments of God and be baptized in Him {Acts 2:38}. The issue that will arise is that salvation is heavily intertwined with repentance and following the laws of God. If you’re going to continue walking in sin, are you practicing true repentance? To repent means to turn from one direction and go in another.

The same concept can be applied to smoking. Our bodies are the earthly temples for the housing of our spirit and it’s our responsibility to take care of it the best that we can. You can get baptized but you will be limiting the amount of time that the temple is available to house the spirit. 1 Cor 6:19-20 says “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. ”

I hope this helps as you start to seek God and honor the life that He would have for you to live…one that glorifies Him.

July 3, 2019 at 4:16 pm

What a great article. Real honest talk from someone who’s been there and knows the risks. It was refreshing. Thank you!

August 15, 2019 at 10:25 pm

September 21, 2019 at 7:18 am

We live in a day and time – grace – whereby the people of God have been exceedingly blessed. We have the spirit of Christ living within, and have the propensity to desire holiness, and to be (in) holiness on a level never before experienced in human history. We can espouse “the heart of flesh” TODAY – every time we enjoin desire with actions – and be utterly mesmerized by the beauty of holiness.

And holiness desires ALL that Yahweh has given, and shuns anything less. In marriage, He has gifted the Church with the living expression of Christ loving the Church; and the Church emerging with a splendor and glory envied by the world.

Co-habitation is allowing temptation to “move in”, and – in essence – says about holiness, “This treasure doesn’t really need to be sheltered and tucked into a warm and savored place. It can be left outside with elements on a seasonal basis, and taken inside when its no longer comfortable to endure (like having to go outside on a cold morning to start the car).

Is the Church to settle with pampered flesh, or with the gift Christ gave: “the glory that excelleth” (II Corinthians 3:8 -11)

September 27, 2019 at 12:28 am

Patrick, I like your analogy. The Church should not settle with pampered flesh, as you state, but to be aware of all of the times when our salvation is “left out in the elements.” While temptation can present in every area of our lives, we should be less worried on what we perceive as sin (ex. living together before marriage) but more concerned about the sin of premarital sex itself. When we can teach about why we should avoid temptation and not fall into sin, we can teach about the ways that we can avoid it. Yes, we lived together before marriage, but the lesson learned is that our salvation is more important that our sexual desires…no matter the (living) situation. That’s the lesson. Thank you for your comment!

October 18, 2019 at 4:39 am

I’m in this same predicament. I’m posting so others can see also. My situation is eating me up. Yes, we’ve engaged in premarital sex, but no longer do. We sleep in seperate bedrooms and are not tempted whatsoever. Although, he claims to be Christian, I tried to look over a lot hopung he’d grow. I don’t see any progress and don’t believe I want to get married any longer because he’s not rooted in biblical principles and order. I’ve been married twice before, and divorced for multiple reasons, plus adultry. I don’t want to make that mistake again if someone is not submitted to God first, and understand what love really is. That leaves a gap to be conditional and go off feelings and thoughts! We moved together because we planned on getting married. Now, it doesn’t look like we’ll get there… I don’t consider consider us as a couple any longer, but he does. Even though we’ve said we weren’t. Due to finances, I’m just now getting to where I will be able to save to get my own place. It’s going to take awhile… My question is, although I’ve considered living together was a sin, I started breaking it down last night about the actual biblical sin of fornication… I knew about the shunning away from the very appearance of evil scripture and searched scripture to read further down. Can you give your thoughts? Thank you

1 Thessalonians 5:22-24 King James Version (KJV) 22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.

23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

October 23, 2019 at 3:45 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation but I appreciate your transparency. Despite all appearances of this post, I don’t recommend that anyone live together before marriage. We did it and survived, but it’s not a situation that I would recommend anyone put themselves in; it was the hardest thing that we’ve ever done. Your story is the perfect example of why I wrote this. I am proud of you that you’ve ceased to fornicate and God certainly wants the best that He has for you. Sometimes we find ourselves in living arrangements that disturb our spiritual peace and find it much harder to get out of it. When we are stuck because of finances or home imbalance, we often have to make the best of the situation. And correct, we should not give the appearance of evil. When we had to answer for our living arrangement, we were open and transparent with God, with ourselves, and with other people. As far as that scripture, I think that it is more encompassing and directly correlates with Ephesians 4:31, NIV that says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” These things are directly antithetical to what God teaches us that love is in 1 Cor 13.

As far as your decision to no longer want marriage with this man, I fully believe that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. He has revealed that this is a man who is not after God’s own heart and this is an unequal yoke (2 Cor 6:14). Going forward, keep focusing on you and your relationship with Christ. Stand firm (1 For 16:13) in your decision that you are going to keep God first in your life and that your salvation is the most important thing. I know from experience that if you falter in your resolve, it will reinforce to him that you don’t mean what you say and that you’re lukewarm (Rev 3:16).

If the Spirit moves in him and makes him look and act more like Christ, then I would certainly recommend premarital counseling, even though you’ve been married before. I’ll pray for guidance and endurance for you in this and feel free to email me if you have any other questions.

November 24, 2020 at 7:00 pm

I can relate to this on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your story and I keep wracking my brain and fighting my conscious, that the unfortunate circumstances I also got myself into. Is a mess and I am doing my best to work my way out of them. Finances and Living spaces are the biggest hurdle. I worry some times, I’m deceiving myself and actually on the path to hell. Yikes. I believe in Christ and have know Him and his word since I was a kid and have found myself in this big ugly situation. Wondering if I’m passive and too far gone to be rescued. The outside doesn’t match the inside.

November 25, 2020 at 10:04 am

I understand what you’re feeling and going through, to an extent; I don’t know your exact circumstances. I wrote this post because we found ourselves in a situation where we were living together and it was not feasible or practical at the time for him to move out. Once we realized that we were endangering our salvation, we had to make some difficult decisions. At the end of the day, for believers in Christ, our salvation is what matters.

I realized that I wasn’t the only one who had put themselves in a compromising situation that was not easy to leave. In all situations, just not living arrangements, we have to navigate them with our salvation in mind. As far as being too far to be rescued, I don’t believe that’s true. As long as you have breath in your body, salvation is available to you. In regards to being passive, that’s where you have to make a choice. The scripture that comes to mind is Revelations 3:15-16, where the letter is written to the Church of Laodicea and says “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.”

There is no room for us to be passive in our faith and Christian walk. We are called to be separate from the world and that often calls for making decisions that seem irrational to everyone else. Listen to God and His instruction for what you should do. I’ll be in prayer for you.

January 25, 2020 at 3:15 am

Good morning, I was looking up this topic specifically when I came across this article. The comments are probably more telling than the article itself. It is in my assessment that the author was not glorifying “shacking up,” but stating that the crux of the matter is not the living condition but the sin of fornication. Are we to say that no one should leave their parent’s home until they get married out of it (as in some cultures) or not date at all before marriage to avoid fornication (as is in some other cultures). That would not be practical in all circumstances. What if a person have their own home, but their boyfriend comes over and they have sex, are they less in error than people living together? Come on man! The ordinances of the Lord or clearly stated in the Gospel and Pauline and Catholic letters of the Church. People like to add their own “rules” that they can manage, and wag fingers at others who cannot. With that being said, no one should use this article as a premise to fornicate under the guise that “we’re getting married soon” or a “test-run” to see if their partner’s living habits are tolerable or the sex is gonna be any good. Be doers of the word and not hearers only. We should not put ourselves in situations that may have us fall in sin. We should, as the author said, consider other peoples salvation in our decision making, and not create stumbling blocks for those who are not as strong. We should work on the fruits of the spirit; kindness, love, humility… All the other stuff is an avoidence of the core issues, the putting away of things that pollute us like hatred, envy, strife, gossiping… like the author expressed, not the objects.

January 25, 2020 at 9:08 pm

Thank you so very much for your input, Haile! I sincerely appreciate your understanding of the conversation and your honest insight.

July 17, 2020 at 12:06 am

Hello, me and my boyfriend have been together for five years. We plan to stay together forever and get married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he does as well. We consider ourselves a family. I’ve just recently found god, and I’m wondering what’s your thoughts on us still having a sexual relationship. Is it a sin to keep sleeping together if we have formed a family together?

July 27, 2020 at 11:21 am

Your goal should be too get married and plan to stay together forever, not in the inverse, as you’ve stated. Yes, sex outside of the covenant of marriage is considered a sin, regardless of your living arrangements or familial situation.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 admonishes “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 teaches “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable,…”

Having formed a family unit doesn’t absolve one of their Christian responsibilities; in this case, that would be to live a life that honors God in all facets of it.

August 8, 2020 at 9:51 pm

Hi, Your article helped me and I prayed and fasted about it. We stopped having sexual sin and sleep in different beds. No kissing, not even cuddling. God has really helped me grow. He is not as mature as I am in truth and I actually was about to move out and break up until He brought up getting married. I prayed to God His will be done and I am about to talk to my parents next month about him wanting to meet them to ask for hand in marriage. Still not sure if I should just move out or wait? My prayer is to live for God forever. What would be your advice in this situation? I definitely wouldn’t do this again now that I know better. Gods mercy has preserved me forsure.

August 13, 2020 at 12:18 am

Hi Lilian! I am proud of your decision for repentance. Praise God! In your situation, if you still can, move out. The concern I would have is that the temptation would be too great for both of you, especially with the spiritual immaturity that you both face. The mere mention of marriage is not a commitment and you have yet to speak with your parents and move forward in an engagement. The distance between you will allow for revelations in your relationship and will give you both the space to get closer to God.

October 5, 2020 at 8:43 am

This article was very helpful. My fiancé isn’t Christian and I don’t know how I can explain this to him. I do want to live with him but I know we’ll both fail with temptation. I think it is important for him and I to live together so we can see each other’s routines and habits, but I also have strict Christian parents and they wouldn’t be pleased with my decision. I can either make them happy or make myself and him happy.

October 5, 2020 at 4:13 pm

As a Christian young woman, your first priority should be pleasing God. Even when you’re married, you still have to please God in the way that you treat your husband. The fact that you recognize that you will both fail with temptation is where you should stop in that consideration. Going into marriage with someone who is not Christian will be difficult enough to navigate, so if you choose to go through with this, this is a good time and place to establish boundaries that will always please God first.

November 1, 2020 at 3:01 pm

I know this article is old but it speaks closely to the situation I’m in. I am looking for some guidance for my fiance and I. May I contact you?

November 1, 2020 at 6:29 pm

Hi, Alexa! Yes, please send an email to [email protected] .

March 3, 2021 at 4:45 am

Sorry, have to disagree with your sentiments. You have explained your reasons quite clearly, but seems you were at pains to justify your behaviour. Your position seems more of a compromise and making grey what has always been understood in clear an unambiguous terms. Honestly if you consider yourself to be a Christian counsellor it would have been best to keep your personal beliefs and actions to yourself instead of using your blog as a platform to justify your behaviour. I would find it very difficult to believe that a pastor who teaches the word of God accurately would agree with your interpretation of Scriptures. 1 Thessalonian 5:22 says, “Abstain from every appearance of evil”. Regardless of you and your fiancé’s keeping from sexual intercourse under the same roof, no doubt the testimony to the world was one of compromise. As you can see from the responses to your post, many feel justified in pursuing co-habitation arrangements prior to marriage and have found part of their justification in your article.

Your sentiments about sexual purity before marriage is good, but unfortunately your personal example of compromise undermines it. The subtitle, ‘The Truth about Cohabitation’ is a misnomer. It should be titled One Couples Personal Approach to Cohabitation. Research will soon show that your approach is left of the field concerning the Christian view of cohabitation, regardless of how much you attempt to self-correct with admonitions to others to keep pure.

Every person whose writings put them in a place of a communicator of God’s word ought to have higher standards for themselves than those whom they teach. Teachers will be judged more strictly (James 3:1). If in any way teachers lead people to compromise, they will have to account for that behaviour.

Society at large has always struggled with delayed gratification and abstinence. The Christian ethic in this area has always been marriage or abstinence, regardless how difficult it is to maintain these standards.

The topic is a hot one, and it could have been a good opportunity to teach on how and why the Church (as the people of God, not as an institution) have never endorsed cohabitation as a norm. For two individuals who were always accommodated independently, there is no need to move in together prior to their marriage. “I will wait for you” has always been a gift Christian husbands and wives have given to each other.

…. Pastor Brett Smitsdorff

March 3, 2021 at 8:51 pm

I appreciate your comment. What I will say to defend my position is this: because of this article, people have contacted me as a counselor over the years to ask if, through my post, I would support or encourage that they live with each other prior to marriage and my answer is ALWAYS no. I can understand how my words might come off as trying to justify my actions, but they are not. My intention – and the success of this article – has always been to open up the dialogue about what it really means for a person’s salvation when they choose to live together before marriage. I chose to write about my experience to let people know that they are not alone in their struggles, for them to know that there is someone else who has faced this challenge, and has come out on the other side, salvation intact; not knowing me or my sarcastic sense of humor makes it easy to misinterpret my voice behind a computer screen. This is not a black and white issue in the details, but it is in the concurrent theme – that whatever decision a person makes, their salvation is what matters the most. As for the “avoiding the appearance of evil” I feel like that is the point of the entire article. We can avoid the appearance of evil by visiting our significant other, engaging in sinful activities, and going back to our respective dwellings. This is part of the reason why it is so scandalous when sin is revealed in our church leadership. People are revealed to have been sinning, while avoiding the appearance of evil. No matter what we hide from the public eye, God knows our hearts and our darkest secrets. Regardless of if the sin is fornication, embezzlement, hate mongering, or dissension, appearing to be holy is more destructive than people would like to admit. But I will admit this, that after a recent consultation, I will be creating more content that addresses your shared concerns and take the opportunity to speak more in depth about this situation and go further than this one article.

March 27, 2021 at 2:05 pm

Hay. I would like to, out of agape love, ask you to please read Titus 2:7-8.

April 1, 2021 at 11:30 am

Titus 2:7-8 “In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.”

Thank you for mentioning this scripture. I proudly say that I am a Titus 2 woman. Part of setting an example is to not pretend that we are perfect and without sin. I didn’t live with my boyfriend for the majority of our relationship but we still had premarital sex. The point of this post is that your living arrangement is a moot point if your heart is not right. You don’t have to live with a person to commit sin. People are so focused on the appearance of sin and appearing to be holy and righteous that they don’t take the time to examine their inner workings and what they’re doing behind closed doors. It is not lost on me that a lot of people do not like the title of this article or what I appear to be saying. God knows the message in it. He has allowed me to use a hot topic to address people’s questions about what they can and cannot get away with. I can tell you that of the dozens of people who have contacted me over the years to ask about what God would have them to do, I have never encouraged a single one of them to live together before marriage. But the conversation allowed me to direct them to do what is best for their salvation. That they should maintain purity until marriage and to remove themselves from a situation that would jeopardize their salvation.

So, yes, my teaching shows seriousness, integrity, and soundness of speech. You can only show these things when you’re willing to open the doors to difficult conversations.

April 16, 2021 at 1:56 am

This is very timely for me and I regret living in with my boyfriend. I thought it’s just fine to stay on same roof together since we have plans on getting married someday. But whenever I compromised my purity by giving in to temptation , I always regret and feel condemned or guilty ,I know I’m sinning against God but I always turn my blind eye and I just believe that it won’t happen again,but then it always happen. I prayed to God that this needs to be stopped because I felt tortured everyday whenever I see my boyfriend living like nothing’s wrong .(He’s not christian.) I decided to end our live in relationship ,I know it cost us heartbreaks and our plans for the future . As a christian, I blame myself for agreeing at first to have this set up, and now I reap the consequences of wrong decisions. We’re both in pain, and I know it breaks us to be apart again, but whenever I think about Christ, I got to think about sanctification and living the life holy for Christ and that’s doing what is right . I just gave up this unwholesome way of relationship that condemns me everytime . My boyfriend might not understand why because he has no personal relationship with Christ yet,but I prayed for the moment when I told him that it’s enough. We may be in pain right now but I know God wants the best for us and that my boyfriend will forgive me as well.

June 7, 2021 at 11:34 pm

Amen. The temporary pain of heartbreak is much easier than the eternal pain of condemnation and suffering in the absence of Christ. I know it wasn’t an easy decision, but a necessary one and your salvation is the most important thing to nurture and protect.

March 29, 2021 at 12:18 am

A woman that is not your wife is a strange woman. “For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: ” – Proverbs 5:3

Why? You don’t know her. “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. ” – Genesis 4:1

When you know your wife you are one flesh. One flesh is sex. “But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. ” – Mark 10:6-9

What does the Holy Scriptures say about a strange woman?

“Hear me now therefore, O ye children, and depart not from the words of my mouth. 8 Remove thy way far from her, and come not nigh the door of her house: ” – Proverbs 5:7, 8

You cannot even come to the door of the house of a strange woman. So there is no way you can live under the same roof. Folks need to Repent !

Joseph was espoused to Mary, but they didn’t live together until the Angel of the Lord told him to take her for his wife. “Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. ” – Matthew 1:18

“But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. ” – Matthew 1:20

They didn’t have sex either. But they lived together under the same roof only after they were married !

“Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife: 25 And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS. ” – Matthew 1:24

And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel. – Mark 1:15

April 1, 2021 at 11:33 am

A man doesn’t have to live with a woman in order to have sex with her. If your heart is not set on honoring God in all circumstances, your living arrangements don’t matter in the least. Sexual purity comes from a changed heart, not a changed address.

April 24, 2021 at 1:44 am

Hi. Thanks for the article. I am not wrestling with why my fiance and I should/should not move in together, but instead would just like to better understand why the Catholic Church forbids it. I understand you may not be Catholic and may disagree with what the Church teaches but I would like to understand your viewpoint better. I know in my heart, that my fiance and I would struggle non-stop with temptations of physical intimacy in the form of sexual relations before our marriag. It would never work and it would not be a good start to our marriage. And this feeling in my heart points me to realize that it’s because I would be placing myself and my fiance in a near occasion of sin- a very thin line to walk. As I read your blog, every time you said, “if you think it could work for you” or “if you can resist the temptation”, I wondered to myself, how many people would easily be able to resist the temptation. I know you said you and your husband were able to resist the temptation of pre-martial sex, which I commend you for and I think we both can attribute that to the grace of God (I don’t mean that sarcastically, it really is something to be thankful for!). And you admitted how worried you were that you and your then-fiance would commit sin in a sexual way. So I don’t understand why then, it’s some peoples recommendation to “live together before marriage if you really can abstain” , when it’s clearly a near occasion of sin (that which places you in a situation where sin is easy to fall in to) ?? While your right, God will protect us from temptation we cannot handle, but he also asks us to guard our hearts and minds- and in marriage, we have the same obligation to our spouses. Thanks for reading this! And I hope and pray for a fruitful conversation!

June 8, 2021 at 12:03 am

I agree with your comment. There are many layers to the idea of living together before marriage. Over the years, I’ve been able to talk to people about the specifics of their situation. Some are fleeing abusive homes, some are battling homelessness, some have been coerced into a situation that they were not ready for or later regret.

I’m not Catholic and can’t definitively say why they forbid this situation. My presumption would be so that people can avoid falling into sexual temptation. But the fact that there have always been homes set up for unwed mothers to secretly give birth and their sins hidden to keep the appearance of purity is something that speaks to the heart of this article. Children born to unwed mothers in the Catholic faith; sex is happening but the concept of sexual purity is not at the forefront of the conversation.

When I talk about my personal situation, yes we were able to resist but it was the hardest thing that we’ve ever done. We’d entered into a living arrangement that wasn’t easy to get out of and not maintaining sexual purity was not an option for us. Most people can’t resist the temptation. Following that train of thought, if one is unable to resist temptation, they shouldn’t date or do anything that will allow them to be alone with another person. This is why some religions/denominations forbid anything more than holding hands prior to marriage. But the point of the article is that it is not as much about where you live, but what you do…or don’t do.

July 7, 2021 at 11:58 am

It is absolutely wrong to live with your partner before marriage. I was doing it till I read Romans 7:3. Yes it was talking about married and widowed people. But then marriage is not just about sex. Marriage is way more than sex. It is about intimacy, doing things together, becoming one in every other thing aside sex. So please dont advise people to engage in it. For learning about your spouse behaviour is an excuse from the pit of Hell. If it is God’s will that you marry him, you can bet your last dollar that it is going to be beautif

July 12, 2021 at 11:06 am

I didn’t say that it was right to live together before marriage. I disclosed that we did it. The point of this article is that fornication before marriage is wrong, regardless of your living situation. As most do, here or anywhere else in the world, people focus on where you’re doing something rather than what you should or should not be doing. If you moved out and were still having sex with your partner, you are no less sinful because you went back to your respective corners after the act.

July 21, 2021 at 3:14 am

I humbly suggest living together is the sin, along with actual sex. The bar is set in Ephesians 5:3 “But sexual immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is proper among saints;” Ephesians 5:3 NASB

It is not only about the individual, but the reputation of the community of believers. Living in a way that even hints at sexual immorality brings question to the character of the people involved and the community of faith. This aside, what couple would actually be able to avoid sexual temptation while living together? Most of us would agree, no one. A couple who puts themselves in tempting situations before marriage will likely do so after in a variety of ways. Boundaries matter in building trust. I always try to steer people toward the reality of building a foundation of not leading each other into sin. Just a few thoughts.

July 27, 2021 at 8:16 pm

I agree but will hold firm in my position. Most who live together are unable to abstain from sexual sin. Avoiding the appearance of sin is a valid command but, more than the reputation amongst the community of believers, the actual actions and their impact on one’s salvation and relationship with Christ are what is most important. As a community, we tend to focus on what others think and how we appear to them, thinking we can hide the condition of our hearts and the reality of our actions. It means little for a couple to dwell apart if they are sinning together when they think no one is looking.

September 6, 2021 at 10:54 pm

I absolutly loved your post. It was very insightful as I am engaged getting ready to marry in about 3-4 months. My fiance and I have been in a long distance relationship for about 4 years now (We are both saved). God purposfully separated us in different countries to learn patience. God moved me to the USA while he stayed in Canada. We are getting ready to tie the knot very soon but i have been nervous about living together a month before our wedding date. Moving in together close to the date seemed like a good idea in the beginning but now because of tempation im not so sure anymore. My finace and I agreed that we will not engage in any form of sex before marriage. But he has a tendancy to touch a lot. We have been alone on many ocassions without anything happening but I don’t know if living together for a whole month before our wedding date is wise. I think me living somewhere else would be better but there isnt anywhere I could stay. I dont have family or friends to help me and neither does my fiance. What are your thoughts??

November 17, 2021 at 12:17 pm

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I think that you’re very wise to listen to the Holy Spirit in your hesitancy. There is a lot of temptation, especially getting this close to the wedding date. Do either of you have a church home where he is? If so, this is an issue that can be brought up to the leadership in the church. There should be a family that can host you for a few weeks as you prepare for the wedding. They can also help to keep you accountable in your purity efforts.

October 12, 2021 at 1:55 pm

Old article but as someone who did cohabitate while engaged and did engage in a lot of premarital sex with my now husband (we were not Catholic at the time), it absolutely is a sin issue to cohabitate, yes, even if you vow not to have sex with each other until you are married. Living together is not a dress rehearsal for marriage. Living together is for married people, period, end of conversation. You leave your families and CLEAVE to each other, as per Sacred Scripture. There are other ways to discover your compatibility – it’s called courting and a year-long professionally guided marriage preparation process with your pastor. Yes, when you finally do move in together, you will have a lot to figure out and adjust to. That’s the point! You merge your lives once you have been spiritually bound in matrimony, not before! You will never discover all there is to know about your spouse by cohabitating. It is a life long journey! Please do not buy into the nonsense of the culture and lies of the devil – cohabitating does not better prepare you for marriage. In fact, your chances of experiencing an unexpected pregnancy skyrocket and your chances of disfunctional marriage also skyrocket. Don’t do it. If you are living together, unmarried, right now, consider a change before marriage. If you have concerns about your future spouse and you think “I wouldn’t have known if we didn’t live together..” I say baloney! You didn’t court well enough or do enough marriage prep. Living together before marriage is NEVER the answer. Any near occasion of sin is something to be avoided.

November 17, 2021 at 11:59 am

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and my experience. While I can agree with most of your comments, the point of the post is that the sin of premarital sex has less to do with where you live before marriage than it does with the condition of your heart. People find it much easier to focus on where you live without addressing what one may or may not be doing outside the covenant of marriage. This article is a reminder for people to pay attention and keep the most important thing first, regardless of living arrangements: sexual purity.

November 23, 2021 at 10:14 am

My SO and I are living together and attending RCIA class together. He has been verbal that He never intends to marry again. I just keep praying God will change his heart. If you are not dating to marry it is a waste of time is always on my mind. This is sin correct? And the sun is living together with no intention to marry.

January 16, 2022 at 11:31 pm

If he’s telling you that he has no intention to remarry, then believe him. Dating without the intention to marry is not necessarily a sin or waste of time; every relationship can teach us a lesson and help us to grow. But if you’re living with him, engaging in sex outside of marriage, and hoping these things will change his mind then you’re not only sinning but you’re robbing yourself of the things that you ask God for (marriage, grace, forgiveness, repentance, etc.) Men typically know when they want to marry someone and if they’re worth the investment. Really take the time to evaluate what you want in life and love and pray that God sends you the person He has for you.

April 28, 2022 at 3:31 pm

Hello Woman of God,

I’m really moved by this especially the comments and replies. Me and my Fiance just moved to a new state. We just bought a house and are living together while planning for our wedding next year. We’ve been abstaining for 2 years now. When being told that I’m living in sin, I always respond with a comment about how long we’ve been abstaining and they really have nothing to say after other than “optics”. The problem with the correction that some spiritual leaders may have is “religion and tradition”. The sin is fornication like you stated but if you’re abstaining than there is no sin. So I encourage leaders to not rely on Traditional teachings and actually learn the word instead of condemning what your not used to.

August 17, 2022 at 9:22 pm

I think the people who commented “just stay away from temptation” have never been in a romantic relationship lol! In all seriousness, it’s not as simple as “don’t live with them and you will be sexually pure.” Katherine, I really appreciate your perspective, and I had never heard someone get straight to the issue like you have! You are completely right when you say it’s all about the heart. If a couple wants to have sex, they will find a way whether they live together or not. Similarly, if a couple wants to stay pure, they will find a way whether they live together or not. Blessings, M

October 2, 2022 at 1:02 pm

Thank you Mia! And blessings to you too ❤️

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25 Bible Verses About Living Together Before Marriage (With Commentary)

Cohabitation before marriage is a topic of much debate and discussion, but what does the Bible have to say about it? Join us as we look into the scriptures that address the issue of living together before marriage, offering insights and principles for navigating relationships with wisdom, integrity, and a commitment to God’s design for love and marriage.

Also Read: Bible Verses About Giving Food To Others

Bible Verses About Living Together Before Marriage

1 corinthians 6:18.

“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

This verse reminds us of the importance of fleeing from sexual immorality. Living together before marriage falls under this category, as it goes against God’s design for marriage and sexuality. It is a sin that not only affects our bodies but also our spiritual well-being.

In a society that often promotes cohabitation, this verse serves as a clear warning to believers to resist the temptation and choose to honor God’s plan for sexual purity.

Hebrews 13:4

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

This verse emphasizes the sanctity of marriage and the importance of keeping the marriage bed undefiled. Living together before marriage defiles the marriage bed by introducing sexual intimacy outside of the covenant of marriage.

It is vital for believers to honor and value marriage as something sacred, recognizing that God will hold us accountable for any sexual immorality or adultery.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”

In these verses, God’s will for our lives is made clear – that we live in sanctification and abstain from sexual immorality. It calls us to exercise self-control over our bodies and live in holiness and honor, in contrast to those who do not know God and are driven by their passions.

Living together before marriage goes against God’s command to abstain from sexual immorality and reflects a lack of self-control and disregard for God’s will.

Genesis 2:24

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

This verse establishes God’s design and plan for marriage – that a man shall leave his parents and be joined to his wife, becoming one flesh. It signifies the commitment, unity, and exclusivity that marriage is intended to entail.

Living together before marriage contradicts this biblical model by disregarding the commitment of marriage and choosing to live in a way that lacks the fullness and permanence of the marriage covenant.

Matthew 19:4-6

“He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So, they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.””

In this passage, Jesus reaffirms the divine institution of marriage as God originally intended it. He references Genesis 2:24, emphasizing the importance of the unity and permanence of the marital bond.

Living together before marriage undermines this unity and the sacredness of the marriage covenant. It is a step towards separation rather than the lifelong commitment that God desires for marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:2

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

This verse acknowledges the presence of sexual temptations and provides a clear solution – marriage. It highlights the importance of a committed marital relationship as the appropriate context for sexual intimacy.

Living together before marriage contradicts this biblical principle by engaging in sexual intimacy without the commitment and covenant of marriage, increasing the risk of succumbing to temptation and sexual immorality.

Proverbs 6:32-33

“He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away.”

Although this verse specifically addresses adultery, its principles can be applied to any sexual immorality, including living together before marriage. It highlights the destructive consequences that accompany such actions, including dishonor and disgrace.

Living together before marriage not only goes against God’s plan for sexuality but also brings about harm and damages the individuals involved, tarnishing their reputation and causing emotional and spiritual wounds.

Ephesians 5:3

“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.”

This verse challenges believers to live in a way that distinguishes them from the world. It instructs us to not even let sexual immorality be named among us but to pursue purity and holiness instead.

Living together before marriage directly contradicts this call to purity and compromises the testimony and witness of believers, as it aligns with the behavior and values of the world rather than those of God’s kingdom.

Colossians 3:5

“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”

In this verse, believers are called to put to death the sinful nature within them. This includes sexual immorality, impurity, and evil desires.

Living together before marriage involves indulging in these sinful desires and passions, which are considered idolatry in the eyes of God. It is incompatible with the call to die to our sinful nature and live in obedience to Christ.

Galatians 5:19-21

“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

These verses list various works of the flesh, including sexual immorality, impurity, and sensuality. They make it clear that those who persist in such behaviors will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Living together before marriage falls into the category of sexual immorality and impurity. It is crucial for believers to recognize the seriousness of engaging in such actions and the eternal consequences that they may face as a result.

1 Corinthians 7:8-9

“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

These verses provide guidance to the unmarried and widows, emphasizing the importance of self-control and the intentionality of entering into marriage.

Living together before marriage often stems from a lack of self-control and an indulgence in passion without the commitment and responsibility that marriage entails. It is important for believers to discern whether their desire for intimacy is driven by a godly longing or simply a burning passion.

1 Corinthians 10:31

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God.”

This verse challenges believers to do everything for the glory of God, including their actions and choices regarding relationships and sexuality.

Living together before marriage does not honor God but rather indulges in worldly desires. It is of utmost importance for believers to align their actions with God’s glory and honor His plan for marriage and relationships.

Romans 6:12-14

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”

These verses emphasize that sin should not govern our lives or dictate our actions. Believers are called to offer themselves to God and allow Him to work in and through them for righteousness.

Living together before marriage is allowing sin to govern sexual intimacy outside of God’s design. It is crucial for believers to surrender their desires and passions to God, allowing His grace to empower them to live in accordance with His will.

2 Timothy 2:22

“So, flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”

This verse encourages believers to flee youthful passions and instead pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace. It invites us to surround ourselves with like-minded individuals who also seek to live in purity.

Living together before marriage indulges in youthful passions and disregards the pursuit of righteousness and purity. It is essential for believers to align themselves with those who encourage and challenge them to live in accordance with God’s will.

1 Peter 2:11

“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.”

In this verse, believers are reminded that they are sojourners and exiles in this world, called to abstain from the passions of the flesh that wage war against their souls.

Living together before marriage indulges in the passions of the flesh, compromising the spiritual well-being of individuals and diverting their focus from the eternal kingdom that they are a part of.

Galatians 5:16

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

These verse invites believers to walk by the Spirit, allowing God’s guidance and empowerment to lead them and help them resist gratifying the desires of the flesh.

Living together before marriage is a result of gratifying the fleshly desires and does not align with the Spirit-led life that believers are called to live.

1 Thessalonians 4:7-8

“For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”

These verses remind believers that God has called them to holiness rather than impurity. Disregarding this call is not merely disregarding human standards but defying God Himself, who has given His Holy Spirit to reside within believers.

Living together before marriage disregards God’s call to holiness and submission to His standards. It is an act of disobedience that hinders the work of the Holy Spirit within individuals.

Romans 13:14

“But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”

In this verse, believers are encouraged to put on the Lord Jesus Christ and refrain from making provision for the flesh in order to gratify its desires.

Living together before marriage makes provision for the fleshly desires and opens the door for further compromise and sin. It is important for believers to prioritize their relationship with Christ and make choices that align with His teachings and principles.

2 Corinthians 6:14

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

This verse warns against being unequally yoked with unbelievers and highlights the incompatibility of righteousness with lawlessness and light with darkness.

Living together before marriage often involves a partnership with an unbeliever, which goes against God’s desire for believers to be in committed relationships that are founded on a shared faith.

1 Corinthians 15:33

“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.'”

This verse serves as a reminder to believers that bad company can corrupt good morals.

Living together before marriage often takes place within a social context where the influence of secular values and worldly advice can lead individuals astray, compromising their moral convictions.

Ephesians 5:5

“For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.”

These strong words from the Apostle Paul make it clear that those who engage in sexual immorality, impurity, and covetousness will have no inheritance in the kingdom of God.

Living together before marriage falls into the category of sexual immorality and impurity and may indicate a covetousness that places desires and personal satisfaction above obedience to God’s commands.

1 Peter 1:15-16

“But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, ‘You shall be holy, for I am holy.’”

These verses call believers to be holy in all aspects of their conduct, reflecting the holiness of the One who has called them.

Living together before marriage goes against this call to holiness and instead chooses to live in a manner that disregards the sanctity of marriage and the pursuit of righteousness.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

In this list of sins that will prevent individuals from inheriting the kingdom of God, sexual immorality is explicitly mentioned.

Living together before marriage is a form of sexual immorality that places it in direct opposition to God’s desire for His people’s sexual purity and devotion to Him. It is vital for believers to heed this warning and choose obedience over sin.

What Does the Bible Say About Living Together Before Marriage?

The Bible does not specifically address the concept of living together before marriage, but it does provide principles and instructions that guide our understanding of this issue.

Firstly, the Bible teaches that sexual intimacy is to be reserved for marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). Living together before marriage often leads to temptation and compromise in this area, which goes against God’s design for sexual purity.

Additionally, the Bible emphasizes the importance of honoring and obeying the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-2). In many cases, cohabitation outside of marriage may not align with legal and societal norms, and it can create problems in the eyes of the law.

Furthermore, the Bible encourages us to flee from situations that may lead us into sin and to pursue righteousness and holiness (2 Timothy 2:22). While living together before marriage may seem culturally acceptable, it is important to consider whether it is a situation that honors God and reflects His standards for holy living.

Ultimately, as Christians, we are called to live in a way that brings glory to God and aligns with His Word. When it comes to the decision of living together before marriage, we should prayerfully seek wisdom, consider the biblical principles, and seek counsel from mature believers. It’s important to remember that God’s intention for relationships is for them to be rooted in commitment, selflessness, and purity, all of which are best expressed within the covenant of marriage.

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Premarital Christian Counseling Questions To Ask Before Getting Married

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In this post I am going to give you 2 questions to ask before getting married. These two questions are extremely important and will serve as the foundation of a strong Christian marriage.

Getting married is like starting a life long road trip with someone. And these two premarital questions will determine whether your journey together will be a blessing or a curse. 

As you read through this article, it's important that you answer these questions about your fiance honestly. As much as you may love this person now, without being able to answer yes to the following 2 questions, you're marriage will be on shaky ground at best.

Question #1: Do I Have The Right Travel Companion?

In 2 Corinthians 6:14-16, Paul gives us a spiritual principle that has important implications for marriage.

14  Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?  15  What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?  16  What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; (2 Corinthians 6:14-16)

When you marry someone, you are forming a lifelong, committed partnership with that person. God intends it to be permanent. The Bible warns that we must not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. In other words, for your marriage to be a success, you need to be certain (as much as possible) that your spouse is a believer.

But how can you know? None of us can see the heart of a person, but your partner's actions and words reveal what's in his or her heart. So here are a few questions you can ask to help you determine whether your potential spouse is a believer?

• Do they claim to be a believer in Christ? Do they have a credible testimony?
• Was their faith in Christ evident before your relationship?
•  Have demonstrated obedience to God by maintaining appropriate sexual and physical boundaries?
•  Do they practice the spiritual disciplines of regular bible reading, prayer, evangelism and christian fellowship?
•  Do they choose to associate with people who encourage them spiritually or who tempt them to sin?
•  Would those who know them best easily recognize their faith in Christ?
• Do they show humility and repentance when they sin? Do they ask for forgiveness?

If you have doubts about the faith of your partner now, then it's wise to postpone marriage until you can be sure the he or she is serious about their faith in Christ. Many marriages experience lifelong struggles simply because the couple is unequally yoked. 

One of the most common problems in "Christian" marriages is that one spouse is a genuine believer while the other shows no evidence of true faith (even though they might confess to be believers).

So the very first question you should ask before getting married is "Are we equally yoked?" because God designed Christian marriage to be between two genuine believers.

Question #2: Are We Following The Same Roadmap?

3  “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet? (Amos 3:3)

Imagine starting a road trip with someone without agreeing on where you are headed or how you'll get there. This would be a recipe for disaster. And this is what happens in many marriages when couples rush into marriage without taking the time to clarify the roadmap they plan to follow.

You see, we all start marriage with a plan and with our own expectations of how the marriage will function. The problem is that we often don't articulate those expectations or take the time to discuss them until it's too late. 

Part of my job during premarital counseling is to force couples to have these kinds of conversations before getting married. Because you just may find that you and your partner don't agree on some issues that are really important. You may have deep philosophical differences that will make it much harder to travel through life together.

So what are some questions to ask before getting married concerning your future together? Here is a sample of topics to discuss.

Church and Spiritual Life

• How often will we go to church?
• How involved will we be? Will we attend a small group? Will we volunteer?
• Will you have family devotions? Who will lead them?
• Will you pray together as a couple?
• How will you decide which church to attend? What denomination church will you attend?

The Role Of Husband And Wife

• What do you believe is the role of the husband and the wife?
• What does the husbands leadership look like?
• What does it mean for the wife to submit?
• How will you make decisions as a couple when you disagree?
• What is considered abusive in the relationship?

Money and Budgeting

• Is it ok for Christians to have prenuptial agreements?
• Should you have joint accounts or separate accounts?
• Who will be in charge of paying the bills?
• What are your views on debt?
• What are your financial goals?

Raising Children

• How many children do we want?
• What will be our parenting style? Authoritarian, permissive, authoritative, free-range, etc?
• How will we discipline our children?
• What kinds of extra-curricular activities do you want your children be involved in?
• What kind of education will they have? Homeschool, public school, private school?

Chores and Household Responsibilities

• How will we divide responsibilities?
• What chores will the husband be primarily responsible for?
• What chores will the wife be primarily responsible for?
• How often will chores be done?

Sex and Romance

• How often will we have sex?
• What forms of sexual activity are acceptable? What is off limits?
• How will we maintain closeness as a couple over the years?
• Will we have regular date nights? How often?
• Will both partners work or just one?
• Who will be the primary breadwinner?
• Will the wife stay at home with the children? Or have a career outside of the home?
• What is an acceptable work schedule?
• What kind of job opportunities would not be acceptable? Would you be willing to relocate? What if the job requires abnormally long hours? What if the husband will travel regularly

Relationships and in-laws

• What kind of relationships will we have outside of marriage?
• How will we relate to people of the opposite sex after we are married?
• How often will we see our in-laws?
• How should your relationship with your parents change after married? How should it stay the same?
• How will you maintain appropriate boundaries with your in-laws?

These are some very important questions to consider and some of them have clear biblical answers. As you discuss the questions with your potential spouse, it is important to evaluate their response in light of the Bible. 

If one of you is committed to following the roadmap provided by God's Word and the other chooses to follow the roadmap provided by our culture, then this is a recipe for disaster.

If you need help answering these questions as a couple, then I invite you to schedule online premarital counseling with Heart Talk Biblical Counseling. If you are local, then we can also setup in person premarital counseling sessions.

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What does it mean to be led by the spirit, 5 premarital counseling topics every couple should discuss.

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Cohabitation: Should Christians Live Together Before Marriage?

Rev. Dr. Rob Toornstra

September 21, 2022

Jared and Rachel admitted to me during our first pre-marital counseling appointment that they had decided to live together. They had both been raised in the church and they conceded that moving in together was probably morally wrong. “But,” they went on to explain, “it makes more sense financially – and besides, this will make sure that we are compatible.” Jared and Rachel are a composite of a majority of couples today. Research indicates that more than two thirds of couples will live together before marriage. Reasons given vary – ranging from a fear of commitment, to economic factors, or simple convenience. Many see living together as a milestone of commitment – an intermediate step between casual dating, and engagement or marriage. Is living together really a big deal?

As a pastor, let me suggest four reasons that living together before marriage is not God’s best for you.

Higher likelihood of divorce

First of all, research suggests a correlation between couples who live together and higher divorce rates after marriage. Admittedly these numbers (like most statistics) are not always clear-cut. However, data suggests that couples who move in together usually do so at a younger age, and then after marriage, run the risk of a higher divorce rate. This would make sense – living together is, by definition, a commitment with an easy out. It is a commitment that is built on the premise that one or both parties have the option of leaving without the messiness of divorce. After marriage, this mindset can linger – when difficulty arises, there is a temptation to leave the relationship. So, instead of practicing for marriage, living together can in fact, lay an unstable foundation for marriage. Why take that risk?

Marriage changes you for the better

Second of all, living together shifts a focus in marriage from sanctification to compatibility. What does that mean? One of the greatest challenges and joys (often in that order!) in marriage is the way that marriage can work to conform us more and more into the image of Jesus Christ. How? In relationship, we begin to see ourselves for who we really are. Our selfishness is exposed. Our pride. Our insecurities. All our weaknesses are, over time, drawn to the surface. As this happens, the permanency of marriage offers a secure context to confess our shortcomings, and commit to growth. We cannot know, before we are married, what these weaknesses will be, but once we are bound in covenant, we have a far greater obligation to remain committed not just to the other person, but to the process of growth. Living together can short-circuit this process because the question that defines the relationship is less “Can I remain solidly committed to this person in spite of their shortcomings and mine?” and more “Do we fit together in a way that is harmonious?”

Marriage grows intimacy at all levels

Third, living together separates sex from covenant. Sex is meant to be a reaffirmation of the covenant that has joined two people in marriage. By making a covenant before God and others, two people are pledging themselves to one another for life. Sex is the intimate echo of this covenant; it is a near-sacramental way of giving the deepest part of yourself to another person. Living together without the bonds of a covenant means that even as we are giving ourselves physically to another person, we are withholding our full commitment to that person. In effect, we are promising to give our bodies, but not our lives.

Marriage is God's design

Finally, living together in a sexually intimate relationship outside of marriage is displeasing to God. Frequently, in the Bible, God speaks to the topic of sexual immorality. “Flee from sexual immorality,” he says through the Apostle Paul (1 Cor. 6:18; See also Gal. 5:19, Eph. 5:3, 1 Thess. 4:3). The biblical word for immorality is a broad word that includes all sexual activity outside of the bonds of marriage. Instead, the writer of Hebrews insists that “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed must be kept pure.” (Heb. 13:4). Straying from God’s design and intent for marriage not only violates the moral standards God has set, but it also grieves his heart. We cannot presume upon God to bless our relationship if we willingly defy his will.

Yet, there is much grace

God is in the practice of not only forgiving those who humble themselves, but he is pleased to restore and bless those who seek obedience to God. When Paul urges the Colossian church to avoid sexual immorality, he does so on the grounds that “we have been raised with Christ” (Col. 3:1). We have been given a new identity that is not built around anything we have done, but is graciously given to us on the basis of what Jesus has done. God doesn’t simply give us rules to live by; he invites us to live into our new identity in Christ.

What should you do next? Living into this identity can take a number of forms. First of all, if you are considering moving in with your partner, reconsider. God calls you to live not as the world defines relationships, but as He has called you. Second, consider marriage. If you are not yet married, but are living together, make your covenant before God. Admit your past mistake, be assured of the forgiveness God offers you, and live in glad obedience. If a wedding is not feasible immediately, consider a private ceremony with your pastor, and a large commitment ceremony later. Or, find alternate living arrangements until a wedding can take place. Finally, weigh whether or not you need to leave the relationship. If you have been with someone who cannot or will not commit to you, you need to give honest and prayerful consideration to whether or not this is a person with whom you can plan a life.

Jared and Rachel shared their story with me, and after honest (and sometimes painful) discussion, they agreed to remain abstinent until their wedding. It wasn’t easy for them, but in the end, they knew that what they were doing was not only a good practical help for their marriage, but it was pleasing in the sight of a gracious God. May God’s grace encourage you as you honor him by pursuing his design for relationship.

Posted in: Dating , Dating Well , Challenges & Conflict , Marriage Preparation , Sex & Dating

About the author — Rev. Dr. Rob Toornstra

Rob Toornstra has pastored a church in Salem Oregon for the past ten years. He has been married to Amy for fifteen years, and together, they are enjoying the adventure of raising two girls and one boy. For fun, Rob enjoys cooking, reading, aviation, and geocaching.  He is the author of "Naked and Unashamed: How the Good News of Jesus Transforms Intimacy" (Doulos, 2014).

Read more from Family Fire:

Are marriages 50/50 relationships.

Rev. Deb Koster

A Christian Response to Bad Behavior

How to avoid getting pulled into a friends’ dysfunction.

Joella Ranaivoson

Stoking the Spirit's flame at home

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Biblical View of Marriage: 10 Principles for a Successful Christian Marriage

As I took Fancie’s hand and gazed into her eyes, I was filled with excitement and joy about the new life we were starting together as husband and wife.

Though we were young, I knew our love was rooted in a shared faith and commitment to God.

On the day of our wedding 28 years ago, as we exchanged our vows, my mind raced ahead to the decades we would spend together building a marriage and family.

There would inevitably be challenges , but I believed that by applying biblical principles, we could weather any storm.

In the first years, we went through many challenges but through it all, we learned biblical foundations like submission, communication, forgiveness , and continued spiritual growth .

We invested in our friendship and made time for laughter and adventure together. Even when finances were tight or jobs were stressful, we made space for our romance to keep our bond strong.

Now, as we enter a new season with two grown daughters, a grandson, and retirement on the horizon, I’m filled with gratitude for the marriage we’ve built.

There were highs and lows, but our commitment to each other remained firm. The principles we learned early on have served as anchors keeping us close to God and each other through it all.

Young lovers, I hope that you too will discover the keys to a lasting, fulfilling union that brings you joy for a lifetime. 

If you root your relationship in faith , compromise, and care for one another, you’ll be on the path to the thriving marriage God desires for you.

Importance of a Strong Foundation in a Christian Marriage

When Jesus was questioned about marriage and divorce by the Pharisees he answered:

4 “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’  5  and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?  6  So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6 (NKJV) biblegateway.com

A strong foundation is crucial for any successful endeavor, and Christian marriage is no exception.

Just as a house needs a firm foundation to withstand the storms and challenges that come, a strong marriage needs a solid foundation to thrive amidst the trials of life. 

A strong foundation for a married couple provides stability, security, and a sense of purpose. It lays the groundwork for a relationship built on trust, love, and commitment to God and one another.

When a marriage is built on the strong foundation of the Word of God, it becomes a testimony to God’s love and faithfulness .

It becomes a source of strength and support for both partners, enabling them to weather any storm that comes their way. 

This strong foundation not only benefits the couple but also serves as a shining example to the world of what a God-centered relationship looks like.

Principle 1: Put God at The Center

The first and most important principle for building a strong foundation in a Christian marriage is to put God in the center of your relationship.

When God is the foundation of your marriage, everything else will fall into place. 

Seek God’s guidance, wisdom, and grace . Invite His presence into your marriage, and allow Him to lead and guide you in every aspect of your relationship.

Put God at the center by prioritizing your spiritual growth as individuals and as a couple. Seek His will for your lives by praying together , and studying His Word together. 

By making God the focus of your marriage, you invite His blessings and favor into your relationship.

You’ll also lay the groundwork for a partnership that is anchored in faith and love.

Principle 2: Communication and Active Listening

Effective communication is a must for any successful marriage , and in a Christian marriage, it takes on even greater significance. 

Communication is not just about talking. It’s about active listening, understanding, and empathizing with your spouse.

Create a safe space where both partners can express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism.

In a Christian marriage, communication should be rooted in love, respect, and honesty. It should be characterized by kindness, patience, and understanding.

By actively listening to your spouse, you demonstrate that their thoughts and feelings matter to you.

You validate their experiences and show them that they are heard and valued.

Effective communication fosters emotional intimacy, builds trust, and strengthens the bond between husband and wife.

Principle 3: Trust and Honesty

Trust and honesty are foundational principles in any marriage, but they hold even greater importance in a Christian marriage. 

Trust is the bedrock upon which a strong relationship is built. Believe that you can rely on your spouse, that they have your best interests at heart, and that they will be faithful and true to their commitments.

Honesty, on the other hand, is the cornerstone of trust. Be willing to be open, transparent, and vulnerable with your spouse. 

Be truthful, even when it’s difficult or uncomfortable. Honesty requires integrity, humility, and a commitment to doing what is right, even when it’s hard.

In a Christian marriage, trust and honesty go hand in hand with faith in God .

By trusting in God’s faithfulness and being honest with each other, you’ll create a safe and secure environment where love can flourish, and your marriage will thrive.

Principle 4: Mutual Respect and Support

Mutual respect and support are essential for a successful Christian marriage. Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. 

Honor and value your spouse as a person, recognize their worth and treat them with dignity and kindness. Respect is not earned; it is given freely and unconditionally.

In a Christian marriage, respect goes beyond mere politeness and courtesy.

Acknowledge and appreciate each other’s strengths, talents, and contributions. Support and encourage one another in pursuing your dreams and goals. 

Mutual respect creates an atmosphere of love and acceptance, where both partners can grow and thrive.

Support is another crucial aspect of a strong foundation in a Christian marriage. You should stand by your spouse, no matter what.

Be their biggest cheerleader, their confidant, and their shoulder to lean on. 

Be there for each other through the good times and the bad, offering a listening ear, and providing a helping hand when needed.

Principle 5: Forgiveness and Grace

Forgiveness and grace are vital components of a successful Christian marriage.

No relationship is perfect, and couples are bound to make mistakes and hurt each other unintentionally. 

Forgiveness is the key to healing and reconciliation.

Let go of resentment, anger, and bitterness, and extend grace and mercy to your spouse, just as God extends it to us.

In a Christian marriage, forgiveness is not optional; it is a commandment. Jesus taught us to forgive others as we have been forgiven .

“And forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.” Matthew 6:12 NLT.  biblegateway.com

Forgiveness is an act of obedience and an expression of love. It frees you from the burden of holding onto grudges.

It also allows you to experience the peace and joy that come from reconciliation.

Grace is closely related to forgiveness. It is the unmerited favor and unconditional love that God extends to us, and that we, in turn, should extend to our spouse. 

Choose to love your partner, flaws and all, just as God loves you. Be understanding, and compassionate, and give them another chance when they mess up.

Principle 6: Quality Time and Prioritizing the Relationship

Quality time is essential for building a strong foundation in a marriage.

In our fast-paced and busy world, it’s easy to get caught up in the demands of work, family, and other commitments.

However, it’s important to prioritize your relationship and make time for each other.

Quality time is not just about being physically present; you should be emotionally present too. Set aside distractions and give your undivided attention to your spouse. 

Quality time allows you to connect on a deeper level, share your dreams and aspirations, and nurture your emotional bond.

In a Christian marriage, prioritize your relationship by making intentional efforts to spend time together, to go on dates, and to create shared experiences.

Invest in your marriage and make it a priority, even when life gets busy. 

By prioritizing your relationship, you send a message to your spouse that they are valued and cherished.

Principle 7: Shared Values and Goals

Shared values and goals provide a sense of unity, purpose, and direction in a marriage. 

Shared values are the beliefs and principles that guide your decisions, actions, and priorities as a couple. They are the moral compass that keeps your marriage grounded in God’s truth.

Shared goals, on the other hand, are the dreams, aspirations, and objectives that you pursue together as a couple. They give you something to work towards and provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment. 

When you share values and goals, you create a partnership that is aligned and focused on what truly matters.

In a Christian marriage, shared values and goals are rooted in God’s Word. They are based on His commandments and teachings. 

By aligning your values and goals with God’s Word, you ensure that your marriage is built on a solid foundation and that your decisions and actions are in line with His will.

Principle 8: Intimacy and Emotional Connection

Intimacy and emotional connection are crucial for a strong and fulfilling Christian marriage. 

Intimacy goes beyond the physical; it involves emotional, spiritual, and intellectual connection. It is the deep bond and closeness that you share with your spouse.

Intimacy requires vulnerability, trust, and a willingness to be fully known and loved.

Emotional connection is the foundation of intimacy. Understand and empathize with your spouse’s thoughts and feelings. Be in tune with their needs, desires, and concerns. 

Emotional connection will require active engagement, genuine interest, and a commitment to nurturing the emotional well-being of your spouse.

In a Christian marriage, intimacy and emotional connection are nurtured through prayer , worship, and shared spiritual experiences.

By seeking God together, you deepen your spiritual connection and create a strong bond that withstands the tests of time.

Principle 9: Conflict Resolution and Problem-solving

Conflict is inevitable in any marriage, but how you handle it determines the strength and longevity of your relationship. 

Conflict resolution and problem-solving are essential skills for building a strong marriage. They involve open and honest communication, active listening, and a commitment to find mutually satisfactory solutions.

In a Christian marriage, conflict resolution is guided by biblical principles. Be humble and willing to admit when you’re wrong, and commit to seeking reconciliation. 

Conflict can be an opportunity for growth and learning, as it forces you to confront your shortcomings and extend grace and forgiveness to your spouse.

Problem-solving, on the other hand, is about finding practical solutions to the challenges and issues that arise in your marriage. Be ready to compromise, and be willing to work together as a team. 

Problem-solving requires creativity, flexibility, and a commitment to finding win-win solutions that honor God and benefit both partners.

Principle 10: Continual Growth and Learning

A strong foundation in a Christian marriage requires continual growth and learning.

Marriage is a journey, and there is always room for growth, improvement, and deeper understanding. 

It’s important to invest in your personal development as well as in the growth of your relationship.

Seek knowledge and wisdom , through reading, attending marriage seminars or workshops, and seeking guidance from trusted mentors or marriage counselors.

Be open to feedback and constructive criticism and be willing to change and adapt.

Continual growth also involves spiritual development . Seek God’s guidance and allow Him to shape and mold you into the person He created you to be. 

Grow in your faith and deepen your relationship with Him so that you can love and serve your spouse with greater grace and compassion.

Building a strong foundation for a successful Christian marriage is a lifelong journey.

It requires dedication, commitment, and a willingness to invest time and effort into your relationship. 

Put God at the center, prioritize communication, and listen to each other. Cultivate trust and honesty, and show mutual respect and support.

Practice forgiveness and grace, make quality time a priority, and share values and goals.

Nurture intimacy and emotional connection, master conflict resolution and problem-solving, and embrace continual growth and learning.

Create a marriage that honors God and brings you closer to each other every day. 

So embark on this exciting adventure together, and build a successful Christian marriage that will stand the test of time.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. what does the bible say about marriage.

A. The Bible presents marriage as instituted by God between one man and one woman ( Genesis 2:24 ). Marriage is a sacred covenant before God, not just a civil contract ( Malachi 2:14 ).

Key Bible passages describe the marital relationship and respective roles of husband and wife ( Ephesians 5:22-33 ; 1 Peter 3:1-7 ).

Overall, the biblical view sees marriage as part of God’s good, created order.

Q. Why is marriage so important from a Christian perspective?

A. For Christians, marriage relationships point to the love between Christ and the church ( Ephesians 5:31-32 ).

Marriage also provides companionship ( Genesis 2:18 ) and a structure for procreation and stable family life, which Scripture encourages.

A healthy Christian marriage should reflect Christ’s sacrificial love to the world and bring glory to God.

Q. What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage?

A. According to Jesus in Matthew 19:6 , the marriage covenant is ideally indissoluble.

However, under certain circumstances (e.g. sexual immorality as per Matthew 5:32 ), divorce is permitted.

Views on whether remarriage after divorce is biblically permissible vary among Christian denominations.

However, there is a consensus that reconciliation and forgiveness should be prioritized whenever possible ( 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 ).

Q. What do various Christian churches believe about same-sex marriage?

A. The Bible clearly states that marriage is between man and woman ( Genesis 2:24 ). 

Same-sex marriage is permitted by some Christian denominations (e.g. some Anglican churches) but prohibited by others (e.g. Roman Catholic and most evangelical churches).

However, the Bible consistently presents marriage that honors God as between one man and one woman.

Q. Does the Bible permit couples to live together or have sex outside of marriage?

A. No. The Bible condemns sexual relations outside the marriage covenant as sexually immoral ( 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ).

Living together and having sex before marriage falls short of God’s standards for purity, commitment, and protecting the marriage bed ( Hebrews 13:4 ).

For those considering marriage, patience in waiting to be sexually intimate is encouraged.

Q. What advice does the Bible give to husbands and wives?

A. Scriptural principles for a husband include loving their wife as Christ loved the church ( Ephesians 5:25 ), honoring her as equal before God ( 1 Peter 3:7 ), and being faithful to the marriage covenant.

Wives are instructed to respectfully submit to their husband’s leadership in the marriage ( Ephesians 5:22-24 ), love him unconditionally, and uphold moral purity ( Titus 2:4-5 ).

The Bible emphasizes mutual service, patience, honesty, and effort to build a Christ-centered marriage.

Q. Does the Bible support couples receiving marriage counseling or attending workshops?

A. Yes. Growing in understanding of godly marriage principles can strengthen couples at any stage.

Workshops, marriage seminars, trusted counselors, and mentors can all provide wisdom and tools to nurture intimacy, improve communication, resolve conflicts, and stimulate continual growth in faith and relationship skills.

Embracing constructive feedback demonstrates humility and a desire to excel in marriage by God’s grace .

Q. What promises of Scripture can encourage those struggling in Christian marriage?

A. God can bring hope and reconciliation even in difficult marriages if both spouses look to Him ( Ephesians 5:21 ).

God patiently bears with His people’s sins and weaknesses, so couples should graciously endure struggles ( Colossians 3:12-13 ).

Believers can pray over their marriage and trust that what God has joined together, He will enable to grow stronger ( Matthew 19:6 , Mark 10:9 ).

Christian couples can anchor to the Word, allow the Holy Spirit to work, and experience supernatural blessings within their marriage.

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• Christian Forum Community Life (Christians Only)
• Life Stages
• Courting Couples

Is It a Sin to Go on Vacation With Your Boyfriend?

• Thread starter camjames
• Start date Mar 20, 2009
• Mar 20, 2009
• Add bookmark

Ok so the deal is that I am in a situation where my girlfriend may be able to get us a basically paid for vacation from her job for the two of us. If we go, it would be a 4-5 day trip. So of course, the whole thing about having sex comes into mind, which makes it tricky. My parents and family are fairly religious/conservative, and I don't want them to think im gunna have sex or make it seem like i am on the trip. So is this trip totally impossible until we get married? or is there a way around this like convincing my parents we will have seperate beds, or even seperate rooms at the hotel? I doubt the trip will have 2 rooms paid for, so I kinda don't like that idea. What do you all think??  

More options

heavensangelwv

• who am i, o lord god •.

Luther073082

Κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον.

• Mar 23, 2009

I'm in agreement with heavens angel. You are 25 years old, if you and your GF wanted to have sex. . . you would have had sex already. As long as the two of you don't get yourself overly tempted to where you actually do it, then you will be alright.  

You're not my nemesis

I wouldn't do it.  

Luther073082 said: You are 25 years old, if you and your GF wanted to have sex. . . you would have had sex already. Click to expand...

latteda said: I used to firmly believe that people didn't enter into a sexual relationship spontaneously...that there had to be a question in their minds beforehand about whether or not they would have sex. In other words, I followed the logic that if you don't want to do it, don't do it. I've since changed my mind. It is incredibly, incredibly EASY to find yourself in a position where you have gone too far. Thankfully, I am still a virgin, but I KNOW that it would be so easy to spontaneously have sex and not even think much about it until AFTER the fact. It could be that for SOME, it's good enough to just say, "We're not going to do it" and stop easily before things get heated. For others, it may not be that simple. Just because it's easy for one couple to put on the brakes at any given moment doesn't mean that it won't be harder for another couple. I am totally committed to saving sex for marriage, but I know that it is INCREDIBLY hard to do so when you're put in a situation where you are alone together and a bed is nearby. I can't even imagine how much harder it would be if separated from other people by hundreds/thousands of miles and no one would even know. I am just saying, as a person who has been STRONGLY committed to premarital abstinence since I was a young teenager, I have found that the times when I think I am strongest and I can say no are the times when I find myself coming close to failing. "To him that thinketh that he stands, take heed, lest he fall." As far as what people will think...if it were me, that wouldn't be my primary reason for getting separate rooms. But before you make this decision, just realize that people probably ARE going to wonder. If you go ahead with it, and people wonder or question you about it, I'd say you can't really blame them because that's just the way people are. Now, honestly, if it were me, I would: 1. Get separate rooms, and make sure we (as individuals) got our money's worth out of both rooms. 2. Invite someone else to go along on the trip...hopefully another couple. 3. Hold off on the vacation idea until after I'm married. 4. Invest in an Everlast chastity belt, lock it, and leave the key at home. That may seem ultra conservative, but I'm just being honest. For a lot of people, maintaining sexual boundaries isn't as easy as, "We're just not going to do it and that's that." People are different. Couples are different. Temptation manifests itself to different people in different ways. What isn't a problem for some people will be for others. That's why I have just told you what I would do if it were ME. It's up to you to decide, and if you're already worried that it may be a problem, that may be a reason to make a very cautious and well thought-out decision about this. I've just personally found that I like to tell myself that I'm stronger than temptation because I don't want to admit that I could fall. I don't want to admit that I'm afraid of it. Truth is, sometimes you should be afraid of temptation...yes, you do have the power to resist, but it is a very difficult battle sometimes, and there are many things that can weaken your resistance. Click to expand...

peanutbutter12

Senior veteran.

I find it very amusing how paranoid Christians get about sex. Most seem to think that they can't even be alone in the same room without being "tempted" to do it and will fall into this well of trouble. By focusing on it and shining the light directly on the situation, you become your own worst enemy because you're bringing an issue that may not otherwise exist into the main focus and enhance the issue ten fold. I know plenty of people, myself included, who can had no issue being alone with someone and not have to feel like I had to have sex with that person just because they are of the other gender and available to do so. It's a very personal issue that is between you and your significant other. No one can say how you will react but you. If you know you can do this without having sex, then what stops you from just going? If you think the pressure is too much and you just HAVE to do it... I think you should reevaluate some things in your relationship. We are all human, we all come of age and desire sex. But there is a point where you control it or it controls you. If you have no self control, you have bigger problems then worrying about giving in to having sex.  

• Mar 24, 2009

1 Cor. 10:13 said: No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. Click to expand...

TerraSin said: I find it very amusing how paranoid Christians get about sex. Most seem to think that they can't even be alone in the same room without being "tempted" to do it and will fall into this well of trouble. By focusing on it and shining the light directly on the situation, you become your own worst enemy because you're bringing an issue that may not otherwise exist into the main focus and enhance the issue ten fold. I know plenty of people, myself included, who can had no issue being alone with someone and not have to feel like I had to have sex with that person just because they are of the other gender and available to do so. Click to expand...

It's a very personal issue that is between you and your significant other. No one can say how you will react but you. If you know you can do this without having sex, then what stops you from just going? If you think the pressure is too much and you just HAVE to do it... I think you should reevaluate some things in your relationship. Click to expand...

We are all human, we all come of age and desire sex. But there is a point where you control it or it controls you. If you have no self control, you have bigger problems then worrying about giving in to having sex. Click to expand...

• Jun 3, 2009

I'm glad you posted this - I'm in a similar situation. My b/f and I are going on vacation and we were able to get a two bedroom condo in Arizona. I was telling someone about that and they just looked at me and asked if that was appropiate. I just stared at them. My mind is never in the gutter and it took me a few minutes to realize what they were talking about. But, for us, it's okay. My thoughts and my actions toward him are not lustful. Those thoughts never even pop in my little world. If they were and if I had a struggle with them, rent a two bedroom condo would not be an option.  

Mrs. Luther073082

Commit to the lord whatever you do - proverbs 16:3.

My fiance and I stayed in a t-shaped hotel room with 2 beds when we went to a concert in Wisconsin. We didn't have sex. In fact he got some weird looks from the maid when he was waiting outside our room and told her he was out there because he was waiting for his "fiancee to get changed" (it was too hot/steamy in the bathroom after I got a shower and I couldn't get dry to put my clothes on so he offered to wait outside while I changed in the room). I think the guy who checked us in thought it was weird that we were engaged and getting a 2 bed room, too. My fiance's parents don't care at all about us staying in a hotel together and they think it is weird that we're waiting for marriage. My parents are very religious but they know that 1.) I've already lived with someone for 2 years when I wasn't a Christian and 2.) now that I am a Christian I am waiting for marriage and 3.) I'm 26 years old and I can make these decisions for myself. I did, however, talk to my parents about it beforehand out of respect for them and because I did not want them to have any negative feelings about my fiance. Everyone is different, though, and we'd already figured out that we have a good degree of self control beforehand. Also I think another variable to consider is that neither my fiance or I are virgins (we have not done anything with each other but each of us has a past sexual history) -- so it may be that we may have a better idea of kind of situations we'd mess up in. If you don't know yourselves really well then definitely get two seperate rooms or do not go at all. The other thing to consider is that if you want to marry this person and this is a huge deal with their family or your family, maybe it isn't worth it to go. If you marry this person you are marrying into their family and she is marrying into yours. That's important to keep in mind. Both of you will want to start things off right with your new families if at all possible.  

latteda said: Where do you come up with this logic? He hasn't even told us how long they've been in a relationship or if he's been faced with a lot of temptation thus far. Unless he mentioned it in another thread that I didn't see? Click to expand...

JCFantasy23

In a kingdom by the sea..

• Sep 15, 2009

camjames said: Ok so the deal is that I am in a situation where my girlfriend may be able to get us a basically paid for vacation from her job for the two of us. If we go, it would be a 4-5 day trip. So of course, the whole thing about having sex comes into mind, which makes it tricky. My parents and family are fairly religious/conservative, and I don't want them to think im gunna have sex or make it seem like i am on the trip. So is this trip totally impossible until we get married? or is there a way around this like convincing my parents we will have seperate beds, or even seperate rooms at the hotel? I doubt the trip will have 2 rooms paid for, so I kinda don't like that idea. What do you all think?? Click to expand...

The age of the Earth is 4.54 ± 0.07 billion years

I realize this is a thread raised up from the dead, but, well, whatever. I think the issue isn't necessarily temptation to have sex, but that is relevant. It also isn't what your parents or other people think, though I suppose that is important to some people. It's that it really is inherently unchaste to share a room with some girl/guy you aren't married to. Even having different rooms is slightly unseemly if there is no way to chaperone the two of you, but not unacceptable. Of course, I also think it's inherently unchaste for a man to be in a woman's bedroom or vice versa at all. I'm not going to say that, [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth], you'll have sex if you do this, or that it even leads to sex, or even that it tempts you, though, in the population, these things may slightly increase the probability of sexual intercourse. I'm just saying it is unchaste and scandalous. Just the way it is to live with your girlfriend or boyfriend.  

peacemaker19800

• Oct 26, 2009

oh gosh this is simple! Go. Sleep in seperate beds or get a seperate ROOM! How would going on vacation together change if you have sex. If you are gona have sex you are going to do it without being on vacation together. Are you afraid that sleeping in the same room will breed temptation? If so, don't give temptation the power .Hope all goes well.  

Peacemaker: I think that's a big fatalistic and naive. Look: a lot of people who say they want to wait until marriage make a mistake and have sex before marriage. Putting yourselves in situations where sex is possible increases the likelihood that this will happen. A lot of people who feel they ought to have certain boundaries on their sexual expression, as it were, before marriage transgress them, and putting themselves in situations where this is possible increases the likelihood of that. Were these people going to do it anyway? You can't say that. You really can't. But what you can say is that if you avoid tempting situations, you are less likely to make a mistake. That's no guarantee. But if you put yourself in these situations consistently, you're not setting yourself up for success. Still, the reasoning in my original post is still the point. It's not about temptation and how, if you've successfully done it, you're in the clear because you've avoided temptation.  

Prodigal Daughter

• Dec 4, 2009

I fail to see why so many people assume two people in the same room means sex will occur. My husband and I don't have sex every time we're in a room alone together. Half the time the thought doesn't even cross our minds. If we were sixteen years old, maybe, but as adults we have a bit more restraint and a lot of times when we're in bed we're tired. Yeah, we're married, so the option is available to us to have sex if we do desire, but we don't have to just because we're alone.  

favoredbyGod

Regular member.

• Dec 6, 2009

I totally understand where you are coming from with wanting to convince your family members....Um, all I can say is if you guys don't think that you are strong enough then I wouldnt recommend it. As for your family members, they are just gonna have to trust you because in actually if you chose to have sex, you dont have to wait to go out of town to do it, so they are just gonna have to trust that you will make the best decision.  

Mature veteran

• Dec 23, 2009

I've been on several vacations with my GF .. I don't worry about what others might think. We had a great time.  

chicacanella

• Mar 17, 2010

heavensangelwv said: I'm wondering why you have to convince your parents when you are 25 years old. Shouldn't you be able to make you own decisions? Click to expand...

JCFantasy23 said: If you guys want to go on the trip, just go on the trip and don't have sex. If your parents trust you and don't think you lie to them, they should believe you. If not, that is unfortunate but you can't live your life according to others misconceptions of what you're not doing. Click to expand...

Also known as Iguy! The follower of Christ.

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• One Bread, One Body - Catholic

Living together before marriage is becoming increasingly common, even among Christian couples and for a number of reasons. Before making a lifelong commitment, many couples want a “trial period” to feel out how they both live, and know if taking the relationship to the next level makes sense. Many Christians are adopting the beliefs and practices of the world, and this can be problematic for a number of reasons.

The Bible makes no clear claim that living together before or outside of marriage is living in sin. Given this, many Christians believe that living together before marriage is not living in sin. While there is truth concerning there being no clear claim against it, one of the reasons why an answer to this question isn’t explicitly stated in the Bible is because two unmarried people living together before marriage who planned on being husband and wife was rare, particularly among Jews and Christians.

It is also important that we put “living together” in context. Living together including being in the same space using a husband and wife model, including sexual relations without being married. This is not the same as a man and woman living together in the same space without sexual relations. There is nothing wrong with a man and a woman living together as long as there is nothing immoral taking place. However, this too can be problematic if and when desire and temptation arise. The Bible tells us “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints” (Ephesians 5:3 ESV). As Christians, we are taught that it is important to break away from not immorality, and the temptation that comes with it. The Bible says “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV). When we participate in any sexual relations outside of marriage, which includes premarital sex, it is a form of fornication which the Bible defines as sexual sin.

Another issue with Christians living together before marriage has to do with commitment. Marriage is an up-front commitment. In the book of Genesis we are told that a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). The Book of Mark also touches on this concept of a man and woman coming together as husband and wife as one flesh. “And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh (Mark 10:8 ESV). When you are living together and unmarried, there is not the same up-front commitment that you would have with marriage. If a man and a woman aren’t able to share their life together as one flesh in a relationship that is honorable to God, there is not a foundation of trust, and while many will argue that you don’t need a document to define your commitment to someone, thinking that you can be committed to someone without a public profession of marriage is unrealistic.

Glenn Stanton, author of “The Rings Makes All the Difference” believes cohabitation, an arrangement where two people who are married are living together without being married, puts men in the driver’s seat and women at risk, with little leverage in the relationship. In this situation, the man gets what they want in terms of sex and companionship without giving what they fear, and that is commitment. While this take may be a bit broad, it does touch on an important truth. Men long for companionship and a sexual partner and will commit to a marriage when they are ready or desire a particular woman. Women often find themselves with little leverage when they are just living with a man because they are giving themselves without the commitment they would have in marriage. A woman may lose the man she’s living with if he has no interest in commitment.

As Christians, we also have to think about what marriage represents. We can take a look at Ephesians 5:

"Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

In a living together before marriage scenario, both people have physical access to each other, without an emotional or spiritual commitment. Instead of just seeing how things work out in a living together situation, God wants us to be emotionally and spiritually committed to the man or the woman we are investing our time in, and many times, this level of commitment is absent from these situations. So many relationships don’t work out because there is no firm foundation. Physical commitment turns into nothing more than selfish gratification of the flesh.

Marriage is one of the biggest steps you will ever take in life. Move in with someone who you are ready to be fully committed, and in union with God with them in marriage. Don't listen to the pressures of the world. Nothing is wrong with waiting to live together until marriage. If there are any hesitations related to trust and commitment, it may be time to reevaluate where you are in the relationship.

More on relationships and Christianity here:

How to Create a Healthy Relationship

Relationships: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do

7 Ways to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship 

Prayers for a Struggling Relationship

Are Girls Done With Courtship?

7 Celebrities Who Saved Themselves For Marriage

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Christian Library

The consequences of sex before marriage a christian perspective.

• R. Dean Anderson

God takes the sin of premarital sex seriously. This is a sin that grieves the Holy Spirit. It is a sin against your neighbour and others. This article discusses the consequences of having sex before marriage, but also shows how true repentance results in forgiveness.

2018 . 4  pages.

It is clear from Scripture that God has forbidden sex before marriage. God expects us to marry in a state of virginity (cf. Deut. 22:13-21). Still, no matter how sad, people do sometimes fall into this sin. How should we view such situations and what are the consequences? It is to these questions that I wish to address myself in this article.

The first matter that many seem to raise is whether this sin is as serious as people sometimes make it out to be: “Isn’t swearing a sin too?” Why is such an emphasis placed on sexual sin? It is important to understand that the seriousness of this sin and the emphasis placed upon it comes directly from the Bible. In 1 Corinthians 6:18 the apostle Paul admonishes us:

Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 1 Cor. 6:18

But is sex before marriage immorality? Paul uses a word ( porneia ) that was used in his day to indicate all forms of forbidden sexual activity, including sex before marriage as well as adultery after marriage. Paul singles out sexual sin from among all others. Special emphasis is placed on it because with this sin one sins against his own body. This matter is further explained in the following verses:

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Cor. 6:19-20

It is not only that with participation in forbidden sexual activity we sin against our bodies, but by this sin the Holy Spirit is also grieved (cf. Eph. 4:30). If we are believers the Holy Spirit dwells within our hearts. In this way our bodies become temples of the Holy Spirit. By means of sexual sin this temple becomes defiled. The holiness of God is besmirched. That’s why the apostle Paul admonishes: “Flee immorality (i.e. sexual sin).” It is not merely a matter of forbidding , but also a command to run away from this sin. We must be careful not even to come near such sins. Paul is aware how easily and strongly our sinful desires can become inflamed!

The seriousness of this sin is also explained in Scripture by its consequences. Sex before marriage is not a sin that can be solved with a simple prayer for forgiveness. There are also other parties, who have been sinned against. God expects us to be reconciled with those against whom we have sinned before we come to Him with a prayer for forgiveness (cf. Lev. 6:1-7). 1  The parties concerned, when sex before marriage has occurred, are clearly described in God’s law:

Exodus 22:16-17 . If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins. Deut. 22:28-29 . If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days . 2

Both of these laws show us that pre-marital indulgence in these privileges, reserved by our Lord for the bond of marriage, involves the obligation to marry. 3  A boy and a girl who have become physically one must  marry, regardless of whether the girl has become pregnant (see below for an exception). God has restricted physical unity to marriage. That is also why, in the Old Testament, the Lord commanded a fine to be paid to the father of the girl, namely 50 shekels of silver. This fine is called “the bride-price” (NKJV/ESV) in Exodus 22, but the translation can be confusing for it might appear that a dowry is meant. That is not the case. It is a financial penalty.

At this point I should clear up any misunderstanding. It certainly was, and is, an Eastern custom for a dowry to be paid when a daughter is given away in marriage. We learn from the Bible that this was also the practice in Israel. See, for example, 1 Kings 9:16 and Micah 1:13-14 for the custom of paying a dowry to the girl. But, and this is particularly noteworthy, God’s law says nothing about this practice at all. You will not find rules for dowries anywhere in the Bible. The only thing we read in this regard is that when there has been sexual intercourse before marriage a fine of 50 shekels of silver must be paid to the father of the girl.

When we consider that the average annual salary for a labourer in Moses’ time was ten silver shekels, we may conclude that such a fine was roughly equivalent to five years wages! 4  If such an amount could not be raised the only solution would be debt-slavery. In this way we can see that this sin was not small in God’s eyes. Stealing the gifts of marriage in advance has clear consequences.

We also see here the role of the father (representing both parents) of the girl. The Lord makes parents responsible for bringing up their daughters to be God-fearing so that they can be given away in marriage  pure (i.e. as a virgin) to a future husband (cf. Lev. 19:29). 5   When a girl’s virginity is lost, the boy concerned has encroached upon that which is the responsibility of her parents. He has not only sinned against God, but also against the parents of the girl. God makes the parents responsible for the virginity of their daughters. Even when the girl has consented, or worse, was the main cause of the sin, God’s law requires the young man to be held chiefly responsible. The girl must take her share of the guilt before God and her parents, but the young man much more so. When he took the girl out, he received a measure of trust from her parents to treat her in a respectful pure manner. This trust has been broken. In courtship, a young man and woman seek to get to know each other better in order to determine whether or not the way toward marriage is an appropriate path for them. The young man ought to be aware that he is seeking to be the head of a new house, also in a spiritual way. If he tempts the girl (or responds to a temptation on her part) he does not show himself to be the sort of person who will lead a future family in the way of the Lord. He does not show a respectful love for her, but only a desire to satisfy his own lust. He also needs to remember that during the period of courtship, the girl does not belong to him, but to her parents. Her father is still responsible for her and the boy must answer for his actions to him.

In this respect fathers need to take this responsibility seriously and earnestly imprint this on any boy wishing to court their daughter. Courtship itself is not a matter of a girl and a boy deciding independently of her parents that they are going to go out with each other. The father’s permission and oversight ought to be sought even at this point. The whole reason for courtship ought to be an opportunity to better get to know each other so that a decision respecting a life-partnership can be responsibly taken. During this period, sexual activity has no place. One ought to be able to break off a courtship and accept the fact that the other person may happily end up marrying somebody else. If there has been any kind of sexual activity, this will seriously affect the way that you end up viewing this person, who is not your marriage partner, but may well be sitting next to you at the Lord’s Supper and have become the wife / husband of your best friend. What this means is that the common and sinful notion that courtship can involve a measure of sexual contact such as intimate kissing is utterly false. Not only does this increase the level of temptation, but more seriously, you have violated the intimacy of someone who may end up being another person’s marriage partner. A good rule of thumb is this: if you would not like to be seen engaged in a certain activity with your neighbour’s wife / husband, then you ought not to be engaged in that activity with someone whom you are courting. Paul writes in Romans 13:14 ...

Let us walk decently as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in sexual encounters and licentiousness, not in strife and envy, but put on the Lord Jesus Christ and do not make provision for the flesh unto (its) desires . 6

When he says “do not make provision for the flesh”, he uses a verb which basically refers to taking thought beforehand, in other words, preparing oneself for the eventuality of sexual sin. This sinful preparation can be done in many ways, whether by fantasising sinful connections in one’s mind, by allowing oneself to get into situations or go to places or parties which you know beforehand may present wrongful temptations, or even more shamefully by providing oneself with condoms. Paul admonishes young men further in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 where the word ‛vessel’ clearly refers to the male sexual organ 7 :

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.

If sexual intercourse itself occurs, the Lord has given a moral obligation to be joined in marriage. However, along with the demand to marry in these circumstances God has also given a safety rule. This demand is not etched in stone. The father of the girl (as head of the family) has the right to refuse permission for such a marriage. This is for the protection of the girl. When such a sin occurs, it is often the case that the boy and girl are head over heels in love. But love can be blind. It is possible that the boy is not at all suited for the girl. This is something that the father of the girl should ascertain. Sex before marriage does not automatically lead to a forced marriage. However, we must remember that the participants have stolen in advance what rightly belongs only to marriage.

As already stated, it is not my intention to suggest that the mother has no role to play (see Prov. 6:20). In our society it would be normal (and also good) that parents discuss these matters together. The father, as head, will provide leadership and bear the final responsibility (just as Adam – not Eve – had to bear the final responsibility for the fall into sin).

The Bible speaks from the position that a father gives his daughter away to her husband (see, e.g., 1 Cor. 7:36-38). It is important that the father (thus the parents, with father as head) grant permission for his daughter to marry. That is also why we still have the practice of a young man asking permission from the father of his fiancee to take her hand in marriage. This is not just a nice, laudable practice, but a tradition with a Biblical foundation. 8

Sometimes the question is raised whether it is necessary to seek the parents’ permission if the girl has already done profession of her faith. This exposes an apparent misunderstanding about the nature of public profession of faith. A child that professes his (her) faith does, indeed, publicly say that he wants to live in faithfulness to his Lord and accept all the responsibilities of full membership in Christ’s church. That includes admission to the Lord’s Supper table. But it does not mean that before doing profession of his faith he had no personal responsibility for his faith. Indeed, if a baptised member falls into sin the consistory has the right (even the duty) to deal with this matter, and may even put him under discipline (see the form for the excommunication of non-communicant members). Neither does profession of one’s faith undo previous authority-relationships. A person who has done profession of faith must still obey his boss at work. The same goes for obedience to parents (when he/she lives at home). They remain his parents. Of course the relationship between parents and children in regards to responsibilities must change as children become older, but public profession of faith does not eliminate such a relationship. It is not necessarily wrong for a boy and a girl to get to know one another before they marry, but the permission to marry given by the parents of the girl remains a biblical requirement. The Bible clearly speaks (with reference to the father) of  giving in marriage . Through the formation of a new marriage-bond the authority of the parents comes to a definitive end (Gen. 2:24). If a woman were to marry for a second time, she would do so independently (1 Cor. 7:39).

Circumstances can become complicated if parents irresponsibly refuse permission to marry. In such cases it may be possible to appeal to the consistory, who should judge whether the parents are sinning in their refusal (for example, if they want their daughter only to marry into money). 9

All of this shows that when sex has occurred before marriage, the boy has certain responsibilities over against the father of the girl. It is the father’s duty to give his daughter away in marriage, regardless of her age (see 1 Cor. 7:36-38). The sin must also be humbly confessed to the father. 10  A Christian boy will also be the more humbled when he realises that in the Old Testament an amount of five times his annual salary would have been paid to the father. The girl, whose virginity has been definitively lost, becomes his responsibility and under his care. And the father must be reminded that in such a case the Lord has demanded marriage, unless the father refuses permission (with good grounds). If the father notices that both the boy and his daughter show genuine repentance for their sin and also a desire to bring it before the Lord – and if there are no other serious reasons to prevent it – the marriage ceremony, in obedience to the Word of God, should be arranged as soon as possible.

Genuine repentance for a sin not only entails sorrow before the Lord, but also that we seriously work at avoiding this sin in the future. This may require that two persons engaged to be married need to agree no longer to see each other in situations where they are easily compromised (e.g., babysitting together in the evening). They might, in such situations, agree always to invite a third party to prevent temptation getting the better of them. The prayer “lead us not into temptation” cannot be very sincere if we insist on placing ourselves in tempting situations!

Yet one more consequence follows for the newly married couple. Where sexual intercourse has occurred before marriage, the Lord ordains that the couple may never divorce. Such a marriage may never be annulled. Herein a certain protection is again afforded to the girl. She may never be abandoned. Her husband will always be responsible for her well-being, even if they should come upon difficult times in which it is necessary to separate. He will, as long as he lives, be responsible for her protection and support.

May the Lord grant us the strength and power not to fall into this sin. By becoming aware of the weight and seriousness of this matter in the eyes of the Lord we will be motivated all the more to do everything we can to prevent it – and not only to prevent it, but to run away from it. Should one fall into such a sin, the way of reconciliation with our Lord is clear. Let us never try to cover up such sins. The consequences of doing that are eternal. Pray to God for the necessary strength and humility to follow His way in these matters.

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